Today. I was sad. I was tense. I couldn't get out of bed. I needed espresso in a tall cup to get going at work. Then aKickstarterr to keep going. Then a semi-good lunch. Then the feelings got more weird. I really wanted to just beat the crap out of Reuben. I am sure he deserved it. But really, just overwhelming hopelessness. My checking account is overdrawn. My gas tank light came on on the ride home. The a/c would not...could not keep me cool. I cooked all the way home. My eyes feeling dry and ready to burst. They didn't, but they still feel that way. I ate my dinner, that I didn't cook. Should have felt grateful for a good dinner. But I felt nothing buy annoyance. I functioned. I assisted when my oldest wanted to make chocolate sauce for his cookies, but not until after he burned the first batch. My house stinks of burnt chocolate. Annoyance. More annoyance. Asked the kids to get ready for bed. They didn't want too. No motivation to make them do so. Tried homework. Just made my heart pound and forget how to breathe. Cat puked at the foot of my bed. Want to cry, but can't. Want to sleep but can't. Do I shower? Will that make me feel better? Eating? What the fuck? How do I work past this? I just want to hide. I want to disappear. I need to be invisible. The highs. The lows. Do I go to the gym? Should I have sex with a stranger? How do I remember how to breathe again?
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
weirdness
Weirdness. A high, a low. Fast cycle this week. Reducing my antidepressants this month has been going well this month. But yesterday my emotions were weird. Everything was funny. Literally, the world was ridiculously hilarious. Every post on Facebook made me laugh. Every fucking post. I did everything I should. I went to the gym. I ate well. Healthy even. I did my homework. I made sure my kids brushed their teeth before bed. I even brushed my own. I washed my face. I did my homework.
Today. I was sad. I was tense. I couldn't get out of bed. I needed espresso in a tall cup to get going at work. Then aKickstarterr to keep going. Then a semi-good lunch. Then the feelings got more weird. I really wanted to just beat the crap out of Reuben. I am sure he deserved it. But really, just overwhelming hopelessness. My checking account is overdrawn. My gas tank light came on on the ride home. The a/c would not...could not keep me cool. I cooked all the way home. My eyes feeling dry and ready to burst. They didn't, but they still feel that way. I ate my dinner, that I didn't cook. Should have felt grateful for a good dinner. But I felt nothing buy annoyance. I functioned. I assisted when my oldest wanted to make chocolate sauce for his cookies, but not until after he burned the first batch. My house stinks of burnt chocolate. Annoyance. More annoyance. Asked the kids to get ready for bed. They didn't want too. No motivation to make them do so. Tried homework. Just made my heart pound and forget how to breathe. Cat puked at the foot of my bed. Want to cry, but can't. Want to sleep but can't. Do I shower? Will that make me feel better? Eating? What the fuck? How do I work past this? I just want to hide. I want to disappear. I need to be invisible. The highs. The lows. Do I go to the gym? Should I have sex with a stranger? How do I remember how to breathe again?
Today. I was sad. I was tense. I couldn't get out of bed. I needed espresso in a tall cup to get going at work. Then aKickstarterr to keep going. Then a semi-good lunch. Then the feelings got more weird. I really wanted to just beat the crap out of Reuben. I am sure he deserved it. But really, just overwhelming hopelessness. My checking account is overdrawn. My gas tank light came on on the ride home. The a/c would not...could not keep me cool. I cooked all the way home. My eyes feeling dry and ready to burst. They didn't, but they still feel that way. I ate my dinner, that I didn't cook. Should have felt grateful for a good dinner. But I felt nothing buy annoyance. I functioned. I assisted when my oldest wanted to make chocolate sauce for his cookies, but not until after he burned the first batch. My house stinks of burnt chocolate. Annoyance. More annoyance. Asked the kids to get ready for bed. They didn't want too. No motivation to make them do so. Tried homework. Just made my heart pound and forget how to breathe. Cat puked at the foot of my bed. Want to cry, but can't. Want to sleep but can't. Do I shower? Will that make me feel better? Eating? What the fuck? How do I work past this? I just want to hide. I want to disappear. I need to be invisible. The highs. The lows. Do I go to the gym? Should I have sex with a stranger? How do I remember how to breathe again?
