Friday, May 18, 2012

Definitely Maybe

I obviously have a crush on Ryan Reynolds. Even in bad movies he has a certain charm. It must be his eyes.

A romantic movie, also a bit sad. Makes me want to read Jane Eyre again. So many movies, this Jane just happened to be a William.

A movie like this causes me to relish in Hollywood fantasy of fairy tale endings. You know that wonderful man, perfectly charming, ambitious, thoughtful and you live happily in your well decorated home with your perfect children. Ah and let's not forget never a care or worry about money, employment or dirty carpets.

Back to trying to create my fantasy reality.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Whaaaa, pity parade

A bit bored and incredibly frustrated. Whoa is me. Pity party today. Don't know why that just put a big smile on my face.

My little Nick is sick again. He has a fever and cough. I am thinking about taking him to urgent care this afternoon. In between work, my doctors appointment, and my Committee meeting with Pack 293. It makes me feel guilty that I have things to do for me but very little time for him.

My baby says he is sick, I think he is just jealous because Nick is getting my attention.

I feel guilty about not writing for my blog. It just feels wrong to focus on finding a job when I am employed. It feels wrong to prepare and organize for a whole year of Cub Scouts Committee meetings. It feels so weird to do things that make me feel good about who I am and it causes a bit of guilt. I know the kids are having a hard time adjusting to my grueling schedule of exersizing, packing a lunch, Working, commuting, applying for different jobs, interviewing once or twice a week. They are accustom to Mommy playing and taking them the places. I gotta admit I miss the playing a lot.

So I guess it is mostly some crazy super mom complex that I am suffering from. I suppose most moms suffer from this from time to time. Then their is the ADHD portion of me that just can't be satisfied with what I have accomplished or finish an uninteresting task. If every moment is not jam packed with some crazy to-do list I feel useless and unfulfilled.

It's that crazy drive that is make me insane at work. I find myself incapable of just doing my job, just dialing and booking windshield appointments. I find myself needing to fill the time in between dials as the phone rings. I have filled it by researching cost, looking at job listings, re-writing a resume, typing this blog and generally not sitting still. What have I learned since taking this job? That I need some job that is either physically or mentally demanding. I simply can't deal with an easy job, I need constant challenge and stimulation. Yes, it's simply crazy, I need difficult work. Worse it has nothing to do with pay or commuting distance, it's simply I can't stand being bored.

On another subject for my pity parade; the house is almost ours, mine. Another smile on my face. Hoping to hear about the second mortgage soon so we can finalize it all. I have a ton of fears on this, like will we qualify for the better VA home loan? Will we have enough cash to get into the other Vha loan if we don't get the Va loan? Will the bank approve the second home loan? What do I do once we get the house? What about furniture? How will Nick handle this?

And then why can't I master Spanish? I already figured out that I can not practice Spanish tapes in the car, I nearly rear-ended 2 cars in traffic! Oh right, I never get time alone to practice, and I am too self conscience to practice it out loud when the kids are awake, and to tired by the time they go to sleep. I know just get over it and do it in front of the kids! I just feel weird about it, like who your kid walks in while your getting it on.

So I guess I need to clean all he shit up since the parade is over. Thanks for not judging.