Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas... And did my neighbor kill his wife?

Merry Christmas! I live in a family where all the grandkids have been spoiledyet, again. It the same thing every year is kids tell our parents not to bring home the biggest, most popular expensive toys. And each year they completely ignore that. So what did they get that makes us kids believe our kids are spoiled? Well 8 grand kids got an iPad2, 3 Nintendo 3ds, well actually 4 Nintendo 3ds because my dad gown one from work, an android telephone, a Flip video camera, an electric guitar, a Barbie Power Wheels, new bunk beds a few loads of new laundry and so much other stuff. So yes we have managed to spoil 8 kids! The sad thing is each of os parents is just as guilty as our own parents for exceeding the credit limits set on our credit cards. So I am not blameless and neither are my sisters. How did we get this way? Not sure, but we all learned to overshop over achieve and be fiercely competitive. Maybe that is just the American way. Being a consumer slave keeps the world going and if not for our family the economy would simply collapse.

Speaking of too many toys... My usually very cross neighbor actually spoke to me. It was quite pleasant. And they had a big box full of toys that no child was enjoying. I simply had so much trouble saying no to a box of free toys. I secretly thought what kinda crap they have? I'd probably just give them to the salvation army or the crisis nursery. Unfortunately, they were good, really good and my kids want to keep them. How am I gonna get these toys to kids that are not spoiled? Do I do it in the dark of night? Do burglar my own kids?

So late at night i am laying in bed pondering the very idea of stealing the very nice toys from my kids and giving them to underprivileged kids. That's when I heard an argument billowing from my wall. My usually cross neighbor was back to her bitter self and yelling again at her docile husband. All of a sudden he had a voice! Loud and menacing he argued back at her! Following this roar I heard a loud sound. Was it a slap? Was it a pistol shot? Was it something equally sinister like a frying pan? I don't know. I just know the only sound that has emanated since has been a hard silence.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Southwest Gas rate hike of 7.7 percent OK'd by regulators

Southwest Gas rate hike of 7.7 percent OK'd by regulators

This makes me angry and I don't even have a Gas Bill! THis is crazy. The state regulators of energy decided to allow a raise in the cost of Natural Gas purchased through Southwest Gas of nearly 8%! Why? Oh because of greater use of energy efficient appliances they are not selling as much Natural Gas as they used to! How about they get better at cutting cost and using the resources they have? And why such a large hike? Why can't it just increase yearly with the rate of local or national inflation. Hitting folk with that large of a hike is crazy! When I had Southwest Gas in the old house it was nearly $200 a month an 8% increase adds up, really, really fast. It may not seem like a whole bunch, at 7.7% on a $200.00 month bill is just $15.54. Of course there happen to 12 months in a year, so that is just under $200 extra a year per household for Southwest Gas.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

How the day was spent

So. Well. Huh.  I guess those are the words I like best. 

I thought I was gonna do something.  Not sure what, I was gonna do because I did not have a plan.  Though this was not it.  The day started with a terrific headache.  It turns out 2+ glasses of wine are not that good for me.  They make me uckey!  I can't remember the last time I was hung over, and now I hope that I can forget this one and never do it again. Of course everytime we people drink too much we always say I will never do that again.  No I did not throw up.  I just had an awful headach that took hours and several Exedrines to clear up. 

I learned today that Cub Scouts has changed back to Tuesdays.  Which is a good thing.  Those Thursdays were starting to get too stressful due to conflicting demands.  I am a tad bit crazy, I am sure you are nodding your head to that one.  I volunteered for a Chair position with the Grand Canyon Boy Scouts.  I am absolutely certain I am in over my head.  I just don't know how much.  Since that required me to be somewhere else at the same time I was supposed to be supervising my kids while my Bear Cub participated on Thursday nights.  This is really a good thing for me.  I also had our Cub Scout Pack 293 Parent Committee Meetings 1 Thursday a month, also at the same time as the den meeting.  So I think its really good. 

I Spent my day chasing a toddler with a head cold who thought it was a great idea to run in the sprinklers in 50 degree weather while dragging a long haired dog.  Yeah, the dog really enjoyed that, ( totally sarcastic).

Then I finally remembered to take my antidepressant, which I have started to see some improvement from.  Its not gonna change me, its just gonna help kick me out of bed and into the shower a few hours earlier and possibly more than once in a week.  I took that.  I made lunch for the soaked toddler and blow dryed the fluffy and smelly dog.  Wished it was warmer. 

Got the toddler to take a nap, though I fell asleep with him for a while.  Then finally checked the emails I wanted to check hours earlier.  Realized that the Cub Scouts Den meeting had been changed, and that I have a doctors appointment Wednesday morning.  Checked up with my Boy Scout Executive to learn what I needed to do for Thursday night.  Found out I will be speaking publicly about Scout O Rama which happens in April.  Prayed for sanity.  Edited the Scout-O-Rama video so ti would only run 1 minute instead of 4 minutes.  Then made the 8 year old cook hot dogs for dinner so we could go to the Cub Scouts Den Meeting.  Go.  Go. Go. 

Sleep.  No.  Still want to do a thousand things.  If only I could remember what they were so I could plan for tommorow.

Saturday, December 3, 2011


yada, yada, yada. 

Oh how I wish this thing was just connected directly to my brain.  Then it would be updated all the time.  So many things I have wanted to write about and I even had good drafts in my head, but alas, that is how ADHD works. 

What seems so simple and easy for others, like just sitting down and tying a good know for your sneakers is just not simple for us.  As you may have already guessed I am still full of self doubt and pity.  Can't seem to shake the depressed feeling or the constant overwhelming anxiety.  All the time, that constant paranoia feeling you are just doing it wrong.  Absolutely positive everyone hates you for your behavior.  No matter how you try you just can't hide that you underneath all the well meaning "yes, I can".  Somehow you just don't meet the expectations of others, let alone yourself. 

Why is it that today expectations are constantly in flux?  Shouldn't things be predictable?  I know I am not predictable!  But anyway, what is normal?  I know its not what the media reports...  Does everyone feel this way?  Does everyone have trouble remembering where they put the keys?  Or that the water boiling on the stove needs to be attended to?  Don't all parents forget to change a dirty diaper once in a while?  Or forget to feed the pets?

Everyone else seems to have it all together.  That drives me insane!!  I want to know what I want so I can go get it.  I want to remember to take the dog for a walk or do that thing I can't remember I wanted to do. Of course I will remember when I am 10 miles a way, late for what ever it is, when the baby needs to be changed from the stinky diaper and the 5 year old is screaming about how the baby hit him and the 8 year old is busy being the parent, not to mention we are in the car, so I can't possibly write it down.  So I drive repeating to myself that thing I wanted to do, repeatedly and unknowingly cutting other drivers off, screaming, "shut up!  I can't drive with all this noise", and forgetting we were going somewhere specific which we were late to, and parking the car in front of my house because I lost the garage remote again. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

So how

Do you convince a new boss that they are that tiny push over the edge and that it can be changed?  Don't know.  I didn't succeed, so instead I will have to figure out how to change so that is not the thing that pushes me over the edge.

Not sure how one explains something that is all in your head to someone who doesn't have it all in their head....  Huh.  So, new job looks like it is a perfect fit, and I still believe it really is the perfect job.  It is the job I was intended to do, I know, God has been giving me clues for years, but now I am stuck in the mire of generalized anxiety disorder and an obvious dip back into the deep end of the depression pool.  Its hard to explain what you feel when just breathing seems like an overwhelming challenge when the person you want to understand seem just so perfectly capable of handling things the world has dealt.  It does not seem like my boss is the one covered in monkey pooh.  Somehow his monkey is obedient or just has really bad aim.

So I work on my plan.  If you don't have a focus problem creating a plan on the go, that deals with long term forecasting and goal setting is probably something you can handle between phone calls, dirty diapers, parent teacher conferences, and urgent family needs.  But if you have that problem of controlling Your Elephant-read that in a book called Switch, I highly recommend people in charge of others read that, maybe you need to decided what you want the elephant to do before you get on.  So that leads me to a really long drawn out business plan, with numbers, and statements about what strengths I have; at a time when I feel like I have none.  Statements about what the future could look like with a bit of effort, you know the stuff that requires you to get off the couch, maybe answer the phone, check some emails and go out and meet some new people.  Mostly it requires me to know what I want, know what that looks like and know how I will know I have achieved that.  All a tall order, but I believe critical for me to actually do what my boss desires, a smiling productive agent that is not as stressed out as I am right now.

So, I guess this was my break.  I should get back to the process of saying what I want, so I can figure out how to get it and declare when I have succeeded.  

Thursday, November 10, 2011


hello bereft....

would love to contact you and chat a bit on the difficulties of love and all the really important life stuff.

actually been thinking about it awhile, but an old devil called generalized anxiety has been plaguing me of late.  

I noticed that your not listed as a follower or was it registered user..?  Anyway I can't contact you because of one of those reasons.

Everyone else;

Yeah I haven't been keeping this up very well lately.  Yes, I started a new job.  I really like the job.  As I was telling bereft, this old devil I used to know has possessed me.  Things are difficult enough in general, even with out ADHD, but that whole anxiety thing is quite paralyzing.  Actually, looked at all the drugs underneath my sink and couldn't decide which one to try again, or if I should just take some benadryl, or call my family doc, or the clinic that provides the ADHD medication, which then lead me to wonder why I had an extra bottle of Adderall ER and Adderall under there.  Have I been missing the doses that often?  Did I somehow get my script filled twice?  What the hell?  Why was I freaking out 2 months ago because I was running out?  Was it always there?  I know I miss it a couple of times a month, but I take it with the birth control and the little blister pack shows only a few missed ones!?
So then their is trying to explain what an anxiety disorder is to new people, new people I work with, who instead of being helpful actually became so overwhelming that looking at emails, the ringing cell phone, that beeping text message, just made me hide; not want to hide, actually hide.  How do you explain it when their is no logic?  And then you go and screw other things up like a friendship, because your trying to express how envious you are of their situation, which they think just sucks, and make them all mad.  Dude, don't think she liked me very much or even accepted that I tried to apologize, or understood I wasn't being mean, just trying to say how very lucky she really was, because if she had experienced what I had she wouldn't think I was being condescending, or whatever she thought.  Gees, this sucks.  How do you explain that to people?  How do you apologize for something that you don't actually have control over?  How do you explain that even if you could take a pill to make it all go away, you would need to wait until the next available appointment at the clinic--which is a very long, long, time from now.  Sure, you can try and tell me just say your sorry, but reality is ADHD makes things difficult for co-workers and anxiety just makes you seem like a non-caring ass-hole because you can't answer the phone.  Never mind, that you haven't slept or eaten anything of substance for weeks, and just now figured that out, or that you literally threw up when they called and you ignored the quacking ring that was just too cute a few weeks ago.  Yes, I already know I just can't do anything right.  I get it.  My marriage sucks, I can't manage working, I can't manage housework, I can't afford to feed the family now that food stamps were taken away.  That was something I wanted, I wanted to stand on my own two feed and be rid of the State Welfare system.  Yeah, but now I am freaking out!  How do you feed a family, when you don't actually have a steady paycheck, you owe possibly thousands to a babysitter, but are so stressed by just knowing you owe money that you can't add it up to find out how bad it really is?!!  You say yeah just take a Valium and sleep on it.  I so would if I had them or the courage to just take a little magic pill.  Oh, and I read a book, one given to me by Parent Partners, who help people manage the social worker and education system so that things they need are taken care of, like an IEP for a kid, or speech therapy.  The book was the Jenny McCarthy book,  Louder than Words, which really made me feel even more guilty about what I missed along the way, things that you know would have or should have made me say hey this is what is wrong and why I think my kid needs some help before its too late!  Yeah, I felt very guilty, angry, though I eagerly read the whole book in a few hours.  I didn't feel joy, I picked up on all the bad things parents with children who aren't quite normal go through, like the avoiding friends-until they aren't friends anymore, not going to play groups, being terrified of regular preschool because you know kids are not politically correct, their blunt, they just come out and say it.  Oh, I don't know if this helps anyone understand what a paralyzing thing anxiety can become in your life.  And you don't know how bad it is until you are negatively impacting everyone around you.  

Thursday, October 13, 2011

New blogger app on phone

Like the blogger on the phone. Loving ios 5 updates. Love shinny and new. Its like steve jobs sent us a gift from heaven.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

A fustration

Hello World!  Again.

As always my life is crazy.  Too busy to remember if I brushed my teeth before I left the house and too tired at the end of the day to care.

Yes I am a Mom.  I have three little boys of wonder that break or outgrow everything.  Three little boys that make life wonderful and difficult to focus on at the same time.  They keep me busy, they make so much laundry, they eat so much food, and require so much time and energy.  That is the job of kids, afterall!

Yes I took on a new business.  Call me crazy, but when you can't find a job, you make one.  That is how this capitalist society works.  If you want something you find a way to get it.  I am glad I did.  I have an old friend that used to constantly tell me, "Just be like a duck, and let it all bead off your feathers."  Thanks, Nathan, I am now a Duck, an AFLAC duck. My new job is fun and full of adventure, most important it is never the same twice.

Yes I am a Wife.  I have a husband of nearly 9 years.  I am very much unhappy and have been for a good long while.  I need what every spouse needs, a little bit of conversation.  Every marriage needs communication, honest, free flowing, open and productive.  This has not been the case in my marriage for a long time.  If you think a lack of communication is not important than you have never lived your life without it.

What I have in my marriage today is a man that grunts like a caveman, the word "fine" and lots of silence in between those two sounds.  If you are a man and you are reading this learn this:  sexually satisfied with your wife, does not mean your marriage is in good shape.  It simply means your wife is avoiding another sore spot in her life.

What I also have in my marriage today is a great imbalance.  I have a man who not only doesn't talk with me, doesn't even look at me, he just sits and stares at his computer/iPhone/laptop, he doesn't speak positively with his boys because he simply screams about how their room is such a mess.  I have a man that doesn't even think their is a problem in our marriage.  I have all the duties of the house, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, the taxing of children, the homework duties with kids, the bath time routine, the paying the bills, the trips to the doctors offices, urgent care, the notifying the Super that the apartment needs maintance, the taking of the garbage out, the grocery shopping, the price comparisons, the couponing, the budgeting, the dreaming and planning, the religion and faith building of three little boys, the potty training, the sick kid duties, and the list could go on for days...  This is my imbalance.

This brought me to the question:  "What exactly do you (my husband) bring to this equation?"  A paycheck?  Who cares money is not love, compassion, commitment.  What Sex?  In case you forgot, I am a young woman capable of saying hey I am ready to any man on the street; and chances are very good that more than one would be available when I called.  So really what are you bringing?  What do you do that makes my life worth living with you?

Realistically, I am already doing 98% of the daily needs in the house, so you not living in the same house would not drastically change anything except who reads the bedtime story to the kids.  Would asking your wife how her day was and looking her in the eyes really be so difficult that you couldn't do it?  Or is it frightening that if you talk with her, you might actually carry some of the daily Needs load, which would lead to a less exhausted wife, who then might feel like being that dirty housewife when the kids are asleep...

Monday, September 12, 2011

Another New Job, American Family Life Assurance Company, better known as AFLAC

Okay, so I decided that the other company was not for me.  There were many, many reasons, the first being that I could not list my company name on my Facebook, Twitter, Linked In, or anything else.  They were afraid of Social Media and had decided that all people over the age of 50 do not use computers, email, social media and they are absolutely certain that all computers are opening them up for identity theft.  Crazy, I know!

Everyone else in the working world has learned that email, text messaging, social media and electronic signatures are more secure than paper carried in my car.  So, I looked for a company that will allow me to be me and has a viable business that I can make a profit in.  The company I think best meets my needs for a flexible job, an income, and the ability to say where I work online.

I know, I had just started at the other place, but really their was more than one reason to look elsewhere.  I decided I needed a company that had longevity, long-term employees, flexibility, future growth, and a product that is in a market I am already in: under 65.  Though I think that I could make some good money in the Retiree market, I think that I need to learn far more about them then would allow me to make significant money quickly.  So, I jumped to start with The Duck, because I understand small business, and most small business owners are under 50 and have a lot in common with me.  Having something you can talk about other than your product is critical for starting a long-term relationship with clients.

Anyway, I remain overwhelmed, and under productive due to a computer snafu!  Frustrating.  So much I want to learn and do!

What I will be doing as an AFLAC Agent:  I will be offering Employers a way to lower Business Tax Liability, ease Benefit programs management, and provide employees with critical life planning products for that just in case circumstance. My job will be in Employer and Employee Education to reduce their risks in life.   

Friday, August 26, 2011

A question. What would you do?

What to say... I am stressed again.  It's a never ending roller coaster of self-doubt and optimist hope about the future.

Right now I have a case of the I don't want to do anything.  I am content doing nothing but surfing the internet and reading books while I avoid making any decisions.  The list of I need to's, was getting shorter but has started to grow again.  The list of I want to's has begun to befuddle me.  My list of want to's reminds me of an episode of 'Hoarders' where the stuff is about to bury alive the occupants.   Grr...

A slight bit of frustration regarding my inability to make a decision presides over me.  It should be easy.  For heaven sakes just do a SWOT analysis, that is what my brain shouts when I am driving and need to be somewhere on-time.  WIth no time to stop and start a SWOT my brain quickly forgets something important that should be done and needs to be a priority.  Grr....

So I was at the grocery store and I used one of those self check out machines.  I needed cash so I could pay the electric bill.  I selected $40 and retrieved if from the machine to find $50.  I counted it three times, I double checked my receipt, then I asked the supervising cashier to count it.  Sure, enough there was $50.  I gave it to her and said that someone either forgot to pick up their $10.00 or the machine gave me extra money.  Should I have kept it?  And why weren't the kids their to see me doing the right thing? Oh, right it was like 9:30 at night and I was there for milk, bread, and beer.
So, I get where I am going and the questions I need answered aren't fully taken care of.  I get the first and the second question out and then I am suddenly overwhelmed by the need to take in the information and answer the questions it now poses.

On the new job front:  I have serious doubts about the place I am working at.  I have some doubts about my abilities which I think only come from the place I am at.  I still think I can be a great success in Sales, err, insurance sales.  I think I have the natural ability to look and see problems, unfortunately I don't know how to answer them all, and the follow up on questions that can't be answered today is a bit poor.  Boorish!  It bothers me that I forget to follow up with people, or fail to be loud and persistent enough to get all the answers right away.  Which suddenly reminds me about a section in a book I was reading called "is it You, Me or Adult A.D.D.?"that people with ADHD seem to have two different ways of prioritizing; Now and Not Now.  Unfortunately, I am beginning to see that pattern, things are either immediately important and I must hurry and do it right now; everything else falls away when this happens.  Things like the laundry don't get started or finished, books are suddenly left on the floor as I go to answer the phone, or read some Facebook message.  If it doesn't need to be done right now, I usually forget about it.  Like when I have known for weeks about a doctors appointment and keep repeating the date and time, the day finally comes and the time arrives and I am doing something else that needs to be done right now, like buy some ice cream sundaes.

Logic says that I shouldn't be doing that.  But somehow my brain has completely forgotten about that thing it was repeating for weeks at the time its needed.

Oh, back to the doubts about where I am a contracted Insurance agent.  So I took this job, mostly because it sounds really interesting, involves constant changing scenery, meeting new people, and a wild and extravagant lifestyle that seems achievable with it.  But my doubts arise from the fact that the office management, while veterans, they are not veterans with the company.  The result is many questions go unanswered or are superficially answered.  The office is also all married men with stay at home brides.  Which has worked to their great advantage.  Their wife is home taking care of paying the bills, waiting for the plumber, and carting the kids every which way they need, while they are able to focus 100% on the job every day they work.  This has lead to a severe deficiency in our ability to relate to each other when talking about efforts to grow our individual books of business.  Bummer, when you boss tells you that you need to make more dials, more appointments and be available for your new clients even on Cub Scout nights and Saturday when you were really busy washing the laundry, grocery shopping, taking the kids to the library, potty training the 2 year old and somehow getting the toilet cleaned.  Worse still the 2 Field Trainers that were charged with showing me how to be a successful insurance agent, suddenly quit.  Bad right?  Well, they then badder still the boss men were too busy doing things that did not focus on me, err, the new hirers, and we were basically left to try and figure it out on our own.  What did they do to mend this terrible situation?  They promoted a man who has been with the company for about 7 months to trainer and another who has just 4 weeks more time at the company.

So my bosses don't relate to being the chief parent/mom, they don't satisfy my questions with complete answers, they fail to take us on appointments to show us how this job is to be done, they promote people with no experience to trainers, and even worse they hired a new crop that also need the same limited resource I do, them.  I am sure they also plan on hiring another class to start next month too, which just makes it seem like a bad thing.

To be clear, as of this moment I have not quit.  Though I admit I have taken a 2 day sabbatical to evaluate this place.  But I did look at a competitor that seems to be in a better position to facilitate my learning experience and build an actual career as an Insurance Sales person.  I also began searching the job sites today to see what other options I might have.  It does kinda feel nice to have my biggest problems being that my ring is in danger of falling off, my clothes are too big and I can choose where I commit to work.  Oh, I am also thinking about taking a seasonal job doing taxes in addition to insurance sales.  So, What would you do?  Would you take the job with the other company that seems better able to answer your questions and train you for success or would you wait it out and see if someone suddenly becomes successful where you are so you can emulate them?

Monday, August 22, 2011

potty training and not throwing up

hi!  So I have been complaining about being busy and I still am.  I have been working for nearly 2 months in the Insurance Business for a company I am loosing faith in.

Since potty training is far more interesting than self doubt lets talk about that.  First my baby boy Danny finally turned 2 last Sunday!  Yea!  I just wish he was already potty trained.  Since he is not and he seems to know how to hold it,  I took away his diapers.  For those of you thinking,  eww gross!  Yeah, I get it, it can be gross to step into a warm or cold puddle of pee, but this is the fastest way for babies to get the message that they need to do something less gross.

I have stepped in a few puddles!  Thankfully not stepped into any steaming hot piles!  That is not to mean I did not pick up any steaming piles to promptly be flushed.  Yuck!

I spent the weekend with a baby going commando which ment there was not any leaving the house.  Bummer, I wanted to do something, but I guess you need to make some sorta plans with friends.  Making plans with friends is something I not in the habit of doing and need to start doing.

I am glad to announce I only needed to clean up one small puddle.  Soon I will need to clean the carpet because I can bet that as he goes commando with his babysitter and daddy.  I will be keeping the carpet steamer handy over the next few weeks.

623 849 4480 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


So at this moment is down and my computer is acting weird and slow.  Why did decided to do maintenance in the middle of the evening?  Weird! 

Obviously I am busy.  I haven’t posted anything new in a long while.  Such is the way of the work world.  I am trying to balance too many things and I seem to be succeeding rarely at any of them.  So my new job is tough.  Being away from home is tough on the kids.  My husbands ever changing schedule and his lack of communication is just making everything impossible to do. 

My biggest obstacle is figuring out what to do first.  I got a phone so I could stay in tough, I got him a phone so we could communicate.  I have an iPad so I can actually check my emails and keep a calendar.  (though for the last month my new job kept trying to force me into a paper calender! That was a complete disaster!) 

I know I have ADHD and this not knowing what to do first or even where I am supposed to be at different times in confusing as all heck!  I want to check in and be be with my family.  I also need to start seeing success with my new job or I am going to need to find another new job.   

So on the days I do figure out what to do first I struggle with trying to build my business clientele and my lack of availability to reach them on their schedule.  First, most of my clients are between the ages of 50 and 70, the problem being that the majority of the clients that are over 65 are home but I can’t talk about their health care until October 1st, 2011 due to Federal Regulations on Medicare supplement and Advantage Plans.  Most people in the over 65 bucket already know they can’t make changes so they just aren’t interested in talking.   And of their younger siblings under ages 65 are just not home during business hours!  Well I am not able to work much after I regular work hours. 

However, the more I reconnect with my old friends and family members the more I see that I know an awful lot about what peoples real options are and when I have something that they really should be taking advantage of.  I now know most of my products to a point where if only I had enough hours in the day I could make appointments to visit them and see my family.  What I need is a way to pause life so I can do all I want to and need to. 

I need to be the idealized Super Mom, somehow capable of running an independent business, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, keeping the house clean, the bills paid on time, the dogs fed and walked, exercise herself to maintain optimum health,  loose weight, recruit new business, take the kids to their activities, potty train the toddler, read the latest magazines, books, watch the latest pop culture phenomenon, catch up with old friends, make  new friends, participate in the PTO, car pool the kids, be the star in the office, lead the way, train the mentee, communicate perfectly with the husband, know everything there is to know about my industry: insurance, entertain guest, make the perfect taco and margarita, have the grocery shopping done, the laundry put away, the kid in bed and somehow not fall asleep before the husband gets his turn.  Somehow that is what I need to be.  Or is it just simply being home by 6, and managing to have a few minutes to pick up dinner in the drive thru?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

an afternoon of sorrow

This afternoon has been filled with many burst of anger, frustration and tears from nearly all members of my household.  You may not believe this but I hate my situation.   I hate poverty, I hate living in the semblance of middle class only to be too broke to actually get the time the middle class has to enjoy my children. I think that is the worst part about being poor, not having the time to cherish your children.

So maybe there are those that have large incomes that are poor in that way too, but at least they could change it this afternoon if they wanted too.

For the rest of us being poor is actually a bi-product of something else, lack of drive, acceptance of servitude, comfort in accepting welfare, or mental disease.  Mental disease is mine.  Many people may not put this together, but that is because they rarely find the cause of the effect.  For me and my family, being poor is the effect ADHD has caused.  I didn't always know I had ADHD.  I retrospect, I believe someone somewhere in my life knew, or at least suspected it but refused to help.  And that makes me angry, because knowing is more than 70% of the battle.

Why would knowing about ADHD earlier been beneficial to me?   Well, as an adult a lot of things like being on time, or impulse shopping, credit and debt management, choices in employment, choices to start and stop education, failure to prevent unplanned pregnancy, lack of direction and many, many other "little" things can be attributed to ADHD.  Knowing the problems that others suffer from could have prevented years of suffering and bad choices.  I believe I may have been able to lessen the suffering of my family and even averted many things.

Being on Time:  I know it's important to employers, but you may not realize how important it is to other things in the world of a girl.  Yeah, friends like it when you are on time, and I have lost friendships because I couldn't be on time.  One that many people don't realize is: Being on Time or lack of it can lead to unplanned pregnancy.  After all the directions on all Birth Control pills say to take at exactly the same time each day, and warn that a pregnancy can result when it is not.  It happened to me, twice. This is also a financial thing; you and I have bills and they need to be paid on-time.  Consequences of not being on time for bills can be, late charges, overdraft fees, added interest and other weird penalties that happen after these snowball like not being able to get a better job because of poor credit.

Impulse Control:  well, well, this is big too!  This encompasses how I met my husband, (a good thing, but caused by lack of control), blurting things out, speaking out of turn, following something shinny instead of what your supposed to do, of course shopping, eating, sex, things that Catholics claim will send you straight to hell and finances.  If you lack control, you may do things like quit a job, tell off a friend, threaten someone, file for divorce, or decide to redecorate a room when you don't have cash to pay rent.

Just these to traits have lead to some catastrophes in my life.  I can't change what I did.  I can now know why these choices made absolutely no logical sense and have an idea on how to prevent them.  No knowing I have impulse control issues did not stop me from buying an iPad 2! or some clothes 2 weeks ago for my new job( something I did need, but really should have prioritized other things over it like rent).
But knowing does give me and those around me a little bit of advanced notice, kinda like knowing a kid may dart out in traffic so you can save them before they do.

Hopeless?  I think not.  Angry and tired!  Embarrassed at my lack of anger management this afternoon! Embarrassed that my situation played such a huge factor in forcing my family into welfare.  Damn that welfare is so hard to get off of.  Damn that finding a new job with a bankruptcy is so impossible!  Angry that I quit a good job years ago because I thought I was depressed, when if I had simply known it was ADHD frustration and confusion I could have found someone to help me manage my way.  So tonight I instead hope that impulse buy of Juicy Fruit from the grocery store with the Win $100,0000.00 pays off.

Dog Days of Summer

Well, duh it's hot here.  It is a tad too sticky to sleep well and the air conditioner refuses to turn off.  The kids are grumpy, and eating everything in sight.  The dogs refuse to go for a walk and the cost of food seems to be higher this summer than last.

For some reason I am out of shorts and had to wear jeans this morning.  I was supposed to do a lot of things this weekend and last weekend but failed  for many different excuses.  Mostly it is time to buy, buy, buy for back to school; and since I lack the cash to buy it myself I must do it on my Mother's schedule and with her money.  Sucks.  Not that I have ample time during the week due to learning a new job.

So the new schedule my family is learning is challenging.  I went back to work, my husband went back to college and kept a full time job, my kids are on summer vacation and my mother's friend has been kind enough to babysit my kids for nothing.  I was going to say nearly nothing by to be honest I did not pay her last week and did not pay this week and there is little hope of being able to pay her next week too.  Sigh.

So now I need to focus on building my business practice and I am quite shy.  You may not think so, but reaching out and offering help, let alone asking for it is a huge road block for me right now.  I am self conscience and overly worried about everything.  I need to ask for help but don't know how...

I also don't know how to stop talking or keep to a schedule very well.

Anyway.  The house looks slightly better than last week.  It smells better too.  Unfortunately the building here is going to be painted and the windows have this apocalyptic plastic covering them.  Every window in my home has been covered since Tuesday and they still haven't painted the building.  I am not sure what they are waiting for.  The plastic reminds me of the time people over reacted to the threat of biological terrorist attacks.  I have a picture.....  Somewhere.  Anyway it is making me crazy, I feel so tense.  I don't like it. Resisting the urge to rip it from the building!  I want to see the sun.  Maybe that is why the kids are so disgruntled this week?

About to tear it down.  I also don't like having all the things that belong outside, inside.  The kids bikes are all over the house and they keep trying to ride them in the house.  They are all covered in pine needles, spider webs and dust from last weeks dust storm.  Disgusting!

Someone please help me.  I don't know what I should do next.

Fun and exciting!  I finally got an invite to Google+ that works.  I set that up this morning instead of doing things I had intended on.  It took awhile.  It is now up and I am happy to have it.  Something about being a techno geek and needing to be and early adopter of things.  ooh look a kitty thing, sift and toss, if I had a kitty I would buy it.  So if you want an invite let me know, I think everyone should be invited to something so cool.  I like using it on my phone, ipad, mac book and I am sure I will like using it on my husbands boring pc. 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Ancient Alien

I am I bored or avoiding doing important things?

It has been an unusual day.  It was supposed to be simple, after all I had a plan.  But like all good plans it went horribly wrong.  1st I slept a bit too long.  Not so long that I was going to be late, just very rushed.  I slept an extra 20 minutes.  I got myself and my kids all dressed.  

I called my Mom onetime!  We prepared to be picked up.  Waited and then found that it was not going to happen.  Why?  My mother started her truck only to find that it was suddenly loud like a hog without a muffler.  What had happened?  

Turns out a thief had taken the trucks catalytic converter.  Sometime during the night a thief had slid under the truck and taken a power saw to the trucks environmental capture systems and exhaust system.  Now my mother heard nothing and the car alarm which is so sensitive that it goes off every time a hog goes by, wasn't triggered.  

A neighbor heard a racket, but by the time he was curious enough to look the noise had stopped.  The noise lasted just a few minutes.  

It changed the plan, instead of hitting the local IHOP, we had to wait for police to arrive, then the insurance company to open for business, and finally for a tow truck to take the damaged truck to the dealer.  It took hours!  We finally had to take my mother to pick up a rental.  

In an attempt to get back on track, we took the kids to the toy store, where they bought a Mater tow truck and some Lego ninjas to defend their toys.  We dropped off the two younger kids and hit the drive thru for some grub and went to Kohl's for school clothes.  

So instead of being on this great schedule where school cloth shopping was done by noon, we were not finished until 4:30pm.  So we ordered take out at 5 and now the kids refuse to sleep.  

Instead of calling prospective clients and washing all the laundry as I had planned to do this afternoon I am behind.  So why didn't i call before I wrote this?  Well, dang, I was tired.  In order to relax I turned on Netflix and found a new documentary series to watch.  It is strange~  it is called Ancient Alien.  It is a story about how the ancients on earth built things like the pyramids and how every culture on earth seems to have the same stories.  The same tales and similar images of extraterrestrial beings and flying crafts that supposedly didn't exist in our past.  The series challenges the idea that we were stupid and that we were alone in the universe.  Are they right?  Does our past show we were not alone?  Does our past show that we have been influenced and enjoyed visitors from other places?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Are they connected?

you know when your crazy?  I don't!  This learning new insurance products for my new job is exhausting, risky and thrilling.  Oh, yeah, most people don't find insurance that exciting.  In fact I probably just put you to sleep by saying that....  But, you know what...  not sure what I was going to say my mind is a bit fried.

So, I am certain I like the people in my new office.  I think some of us are very much overwhelmed.  A weird fact of 7 new hires, a total of 3 are confirmed ADHD patients.  Weird, I wonder if normal people with normal habits, study skills and time management skills just don't like commission only jobs.  Perhaps it is just too much risk to take on.  Maybe you absolutely must be capable of thinking in weird ways and connecting seemingly unconnected facts to find the products.  Maybe its because we are not always aware of how intimidating selling is or because we get a shear thrill from the challenge of meeting a new person and convincing them we are the real deal.

Why is it that certain jobs seem to attract ADHD people?  Why are so many sales people also ADHD?  Why are more people in the entertainment industry ADHD than the general population?  I don't know, that would be a problem for some other ADHD person to figure out.  After all more scientist, doctors and lawyers then general population have successfully managed the super powers of ADHD!

Yes, ADHD does give me super powers.  Sure, I can't remember to take the trash out or change the oil in the car, but I bet I can get through that technical manuel faster than you and retain more of it and recall it when it is needed.  Something about Hyperfocus abilities, like when Clark Kent could get through that book for English class faster than you.

Other super powers are available to me too!  Like creativity, honesty, and likability.  You know I am likable.  I am creative.  I am honest, if I weren't those three things in such an organic way, you wouldn't read this and you wouldn't remember me when I left your presence.

These super powers give me the extra edge to actually have you remember what I said, feel like I had your best interest at heart, and like I was completely truthful and would tell you what I thought even if you weren't going to like it.  If you felt that way you would be right!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Give a dog a bone

Then be prepared to sweep, vacuum and mop up after!  I thought it was a good idea to finally give the dogs the bones that have been sitting on the fridge for months, but forgot how my dogs like to hide and eat them in strange places.  I now have hickory smoked bone crumbles all over my new suits!  I guess that is my fault for throwing em on the floor.

Today, I look for some balance.  This new job has a lot of "Studying" that must be done before I can actually earn money.  I know my husband was getting very annoyed Friday Evening that I was online completing a tiny bit of the required coursework, but I fixed that when I pointed out that I had to finish this stuff before I could actually make some money.  So he let me study Saturday too, and even took the kids to the dentist.  It was nice, I dislike taking the kids there, and I wouldn't have been able to study because the coursework requires a Windows PC and my iPhone and iPad are definitely not that!  I did consider reinstalling Parallels on my Mac, but it would not have made a difference because I haven't jail broken my iPhone or iPad, so i couldn't have tethered my laptop.  Kinda makes me wish I would jail break it, but I worry about security issues, and I am not going to put other peoples information at risk like that, even if it only increases the risk by 1%.  It would be just too dangerous.

So, I go back to studying later this afternoon.  The kids have eaten breakfast of pan fried Spam, and I ate my Pops.  Right now I am going to get a long workout in, because the workweek is going to be long and  start early.

Wondering if my thoughts are making much sense.  I woke up last night and was deciding whether my imaginary family should have an annuity or life insurance instead....

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Advice to give...

So a friend asked me about a place I enthusiastically left, because she has taken a new job with them.  I think I did a bad job.  I left and I am glad I did, don't get me wrong.  UOP can be a horrific place to work, but any place where you have endured a hostile work environment combined with Broiler Room like politics is bound to leave you with a bad taste.

UOP was also a good job.   I loved what I did.  I helped others find a way to make those New Years Resolutions and wishes become a reality.  I still am friends with many of my students today.  While I  was generally bad about sending out cards on Christmas, it wasn't their fault, I still loved them, I was just broken down by lots that happened in my life and at work.  And that happens to lots of good people, its what that good person does after, how well they find the old them, and how much they incorporate new growth.  I hope my friends, old co-workers, family and former students can all say I have grown into a better Pam, a more giving person, the kind of person I have always desired to be.

So what Advice to I have to give to people facing a new job, not just one at University of Phoenix?

  1. Don't listen to all the negative things that happened in the past.  They did after all happen in the Past.  Perhaps that change that makes something so much more than what it was has happened.  One negative experience is not the whole story, so ask the satisfied people what they think.  
  2. Do what is best.  Don't ever just do what you need to get your paycheck.  Don't meet the minimum standard of acceptable achievement with your employer, your friends, your family, your customers or yourself.  You are better than a minimum effort!  Do what you know is the best thing to do, in customer service that is not just selling your product, but being man enough to not sell it when appropriate, to even suggest a customer go somewhere else because your product or service is not the best for their situation and goals.
  3. Do it.  What ever it is, do it.  If it is reading a book to help you understand your market, volunteering for a charity, or just helping your customer accomplish what they set out to do, even when it is not in your job responsibilities.  Yes, government regulations require certain things like licenses, but their is nothing that states you can't dial that number for your customer and transfer their call to the right qualified person. 
  4. Be Thankful.  Gratitude is among the hardest things for me to give, and even harder for me to accept.  This comes from that old illogical society quid pro quo nonsense.   God doesn't work that way and neither do true friends.  It may take a few more weeks to beat that out of me, but it is quickly being replaced by that more logical thought process of I do it for me because it makes me feel good, so what if you got some great gift of time, money, or other tangible thing, I don't need you to owe me because of it.  I did whatever I did for you because it made me feel great!  And I will probably do it again.
  5. You've got what you want.  I learned this from Larry Winget.  "People talk about what they want. We talk a lot about the things we want.

    I want more money.
    I want a better relationship with my spouse.
    I want good responsible kids.
    I want a promotion.
    I want to be healthy.
    I want to be smarter.
    I want to retire.
    I want, I want, I want…

    But do you know what people really want? They want what they’ve got. It’s a simple formula: You have what you want because your actions produced your results. Not your words and certainly not your wants."-People are Idiots and I can Prove It!    So I believe this.  If you don't want what you have, you will do something differently to get what you do want.  After all the definition of insanity is doing the something but expecting different results.  So if you don't got what you want, do something different.  
  6. Failure is one way not to be successful it is not the end all be all.  Going back to Larry Winget You may need to try a lot of something difference before you get that change accomplished.  Successful people know that failure is just one way not to be successful and that is what you need to learn.  Weird, but true, you just try again, and again, and again.  Eventually you will be successful, it is a statistical fact, like in baseball, if you keep swinging eventually you will hit the ball, but you do need to keep trying.  I mean you are a failure if you just decided not to decided anything else, if you decide not to get up and try ever again, you have failed. 
  7. Exercise and connect with people.  Okay you don't have to do both at the same time.  But exercise does things to your brain, and it makes your ass look great.  Connect with people, either go out with friends, go to church or try a new activity that frightens you like joining your local Toastmasters club.  Just know that connecting with people is a great way to make you feel good and it affects your brain in a good way.  

On the fast as molasses in Phoenix

Wow. It is so easy for me to be frustrated and overwhelmed right now! I am learning and growing, sometimes at what seems light speed, then you hit your proverbial platue, which right now seems more like trying to climb the Great Wall of China.

I studied like crazy and passed my AZ Life and Health Insurance License Exam. (Bragging right here: I did better than most of the adults in my initial orientation class that I attended on Friday.) :) It was very nice. However, all the adults in the orientation class, and I say adults because I was a kid, by at least 10 years, okay maybe 5, but many of them were at least 45 and male; but they have been working for at least 2 weeks on passing Online courses required to begin selling insurance with Bankers. Still glad I passed my test. A bit frightened that I seem to be so much younger than my new co-workers.

Orientation Class was literally 4 hours after I passed my exams, and the office was very enthusiastic and warm about meeting the first major milestone. I like that. An office were people are allowed to be friendly and open. How many places do you know where your new co-workers will congratulate you with a smile, hand shake and even a great big pat on the back? Most places any physical contact is just plain against company policy. So orientation class gave me a great big box of things to read, learn and prepare with for my first week of training, which begins on Monday. And it is a whopper of a week! The training program for the first week looks intense.

That is a bit overwhelming. But I have a family friend that will be helping us get onto our feet for the next few weeks. My friend, my Aunt Vivian will watch my kids for ridiculously low sums of money up front. Which is a big help, though I feel awful about not having an appropriate sum of cash to give her immediately. So, eventually I will give her what child care pays for 3 kids all day, It will just probably take me 2-3 months to finish paying here. Definitely disappointing.

Still overwhelming is the number of things that need to be done, but haven't been done since I started looking for full-time work that will actually pay our bills and get us off of welfare. I still need to clean the bathrooms, wash more laundry and well dust. We all keep sneezing, and that dogs are just plain filthy. I really should wash them before I clean the tub.

On to what is so dang frustrating. I was told during Orientation that I would be provided with a user name and password to access my online training materials and so I could spend some time playing "Catch Up" and finish the things I need to get done so I can actually go meet customers. I didn't get my email. Annoying, yes, possibly a set back of a day or three, another yes. Avoidable, unknown. I know that it was Friday and who doesn't want to leave on time on a Friday night, so maybe they typed my email address wrong and didn't notice, or maybe things that generate income needed to be done first and time just ran out.

So what did I do instead? Well, Friday I spent time with my husband, just sitting. Saturday, I got my FBI fingerprint card done, and then listened to an Audio Book called: God is a Salesman, by Mark Stevens. Funny title. I checked the book out of the library without knowing what it was about. Okay, I know the title says Sales, but that was not really what it was about. It was more about relationships, long-term relationships, Christianity, God, happiness and something University of Phoenix calls the Platinum Rule. The audio book is short. It is only 3.5 hours so I finished it in a day. I like the book, I think Mark Stevens has gotten it right. God can teach you how to sell. I mean God can teach you to treat people the way they ought to be, and you to act the way you should. The book was a bit about you ought to not settle for doing your best, but being exceptional and giving people the respect, time, investment and generosity they deserve. The main moral of this story was that people deserve no less than your pure acceptance and full and unbridled generosity. Similar to the lesson that is taught by Mr. Keith Ferrazzi in Never Eat Alone, is that if you give to people without accepting something of equal value in return, you will receive more given to you than you ever "paid out".

So based on my personal belief and what I have read, the cut throat sales approach that involves closing, so often declared the way by greedy corporations is just not what works, not for me and not for really successful and happy people. So when I worked for University of Phoenix, I always wanted to be open, honest, and help in every way imaginable to my students, and I did. I helped new students cope with anxiety, work on finding a way to balance work-family-education so they could be what they needed and wanted to those around them. No that was not accepted by my corporation, and I know my immediate supervisor was torn by doing what was "right" with what the company wanted. Troubling, made for a bad experience, no person, or boss should ever have their hands tied in way that favors immediate gains, while sacrificing the long-term relationship. Never understood that why University of Phoenix encouraged immediate gains at the cost of a longer-term business relationship-which actually is much more profitable.

Treat people they way they need to be. Guarantee people that their trust is not misguided, that you will always watch their back, the same way you would your kid brother. Guarantee that not only will you do your best, but you will go above and beyond what we have come to accept as acceptable customer service, and do it the way you know it should be.

Friday, July 8, 2011


First I am tired. Very bad bags under my eyes. My husband keeps telling me that the cure for bags under the eyes is Preperation H. Funny and weird. WHo knows where guys read about beauty and health remedies....

I passed my exam. Better than most people. I earned an 86%. 70% is considered passing. Basically it is a pass fail test. Ate lunch. And now it is time to get ready for my Orientation class today. Yeah.

I think I need a nap. Also have a dinner party today.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

a job and an iPhone

So I can't remember what I said last on this blog. My head has been snapped at least 5 times in the last 10 days. I have a hard time believing it has been a week since I accepted the tentative offer of employment at Bankers Life and Casualty as an Insurance agent.

I signed up for a cram class that was suggested by the managing agent at Bankers. I picked up the book the same day I had my interview, after all I did not want to waste anytime. I wanted to have read the whole study guide and go to the cram class prepared and ready to ask for clarification. It was supposed to be easy to accomplish. After all there was a plan, my husband was supposed to be home on vacation from his last week of work. So he would watch the kids, I would go to my mothers quiet house and study, study, study. Sounded good and it looked easy.

HA! God has a terribly sick sense of humor. First I got sick eating a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. (I was so concerned that I had eaten recalled food, I called ConAgra Foods, they sent me a coupon that I got today.) That sucked. Then my husband went to work, for what was supposed to be the last day.

He got home late that day and told me it was not his last day after all... unless I wanted it to be. He had been offered a split shift in the back room as a back office receptionist/warehouse manager. It paid better than anything else part-time. In a panic about how we were going to pay rent in August, I told him to accept it. Even if the boss man tried to lower the payrate he offered.

Anyway that was nice, but it started right away. Bummer is that ment I would not be able to escape away from the kids and go study. It meant I would be forced to try and read this crazy technical study guide while the kids, screamed, cried, laughed, made a mess, peed on the floor, chased the dog, complained about being hungry and made piles of dirty laundry and dishes. If you are wondering, I never got past the first page!

So I went to the Cram Study class, thankfully without the kids; and now I owe my sitter for her time. Bummer, more cost and not enough income. So I got past the first page and all the way to the last chapter I needed to read. I remembered some of it.

If you did not go to high school with me then you simply don't know how anal-retentive I am. Just knowing a little bit about it, or knowing enough to maybe pass was not enough. So I rescheduled my test which was supposed to be on Sunday. So glad I did. My brain was so fried by Friday Evening that I had failed to check emails or voicemail messages. I missed seeing my step-sister who was in town. Kinda Annoyed about that, but it happens when people assume you are unemployed so you can be called last minute!

So I missed seeing my sister. I missed my Mom's birthday, and I who knows what other fun thing or great opportunity was missed because I had my head so deep in a book that I couldn't tell you if I changed my underwear. Okay, Okay, the point of this tangent?! I realized how much I really did NEED a cell Phone. Not the one I have set up on my iPad, but a real one, that rings when you are in class, or on the loo. So now I have one.

I could have done the responsible thing and found my missing pay as you go Virgin Mobile phone, but after a few quick searches I started looking instead for a better replacement. I looked at other pre-paid services, I looked at all kinds of family plans. I tried to convince myself and my husband that we could get a non Apple phone. I am an elitist snob. I know. I know I didn't need another mobile Apple product. I could have just gotten some crappy phone that only makes calls and sends text messages. It might have saved me the data plan and perhaps a few dollars on the hand set, but I would never have given up my envy, love, and downright obsession with the iPhone I have always wanted.

I know it is too expensive. I know it is a want and not a need. I know it just puts one more nail in the Elitist Snob sign, but hey I don't drink wine and tell you how this one is better than that same one that is grown 2 miles to the north. Nor will I tell you how great I am.... Then again, if I continue on this path and make the type of money I intend on with my new job, no telling how Snobish or Elitist I might become.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

!Hot !

!Hot !
Sexy. It feels great even if l didn't exercise this morning, or wake up on time. The bag boy repeatedly asked it l needed help out, then got a bit creepy when he insisted he wanted to help me. No he did not offer to help the less sexy, slightly older woman assistance.

The drive home was nice too! A grungy, smelly construction worker thought I was so hot that he had to let out a cat call so loud, l actually slammed on the brakes and blushed.

So I got a new program for my Ipad. It is called - Write Pad. It is a hand writing recognition program that lam using to write today blog. It is new and l think provides an expansion to the possibilities of an ipad. Imagine, being able to hand write an email or take notes during class.

I think the ipad has changed forever t6 way people will interact with machines forever. It is like the first time porn was_ made available over the internet or the first time it was legal for blacks to own property, or women to show a little skin around the ankle. The way this device influences all other technologies and is exponentially increasing and changing how our children's future will look.

Feeling guilty. Recycling... I see what we throw away everyday and it disturbs me. I want to say I recycle. I know the importance, but I get busy and I lack the space to house a second bin. I often wonder if then is a way for Companies to sell less packaging... What it your can of peas came is a baggie? Would you buy it? Would that create less waste or lead to more recycling? So l try. I take large boxes to the Recycle bin and feel guilty about the rest l toss into the refuse.

I still feel sexy, even though I should an something to change my guilty feelings on the amount of useful material I toss each day. Maybe the trash people could just do it for us. I mean they already sort the recycle, so why not all of it ?

Request to waste -management :Please do it for me. I bet it could be profitable.

-- This message was composed with PhatWare WritePad.

Sent from my iPad

Friday, June 24, 2011


first I should say I ate some bad ravioli this morning and threw it up. Gross. I called Chef Boyardee and told them I thought that it made me sick. They apologized.

I found a job yesterday. Not the traditional here is your paycheck type of job. Insurance sales. Actually sounds a lot like my dream job. Don't stay in the office, get to go out and see customers, potential to make lots of cash. Advancement opportunity. the option to grow into additional products to increase money earned. Flexible hours. But the rest is all hard work. You must rely on yourself, there is no guaranteed paycheck from the company, just commissions for business closed.

This morning I received a call back from quicken loans, but I was too sick to answer the call. It sounded potentially good. Possibility that I may weigh two jobs and have a choice about how much risk I want to take to earn some income for my household.

Also kinda stressed, as this is the last week my husband will have a paycheck. So what little money we have left in our savings account will go to pay rent and buy some gas for the car. What will we do when it runs out? No idea. My Mom is out of town as of today so if we need serious amounts of cash to keep the gas tank full or the car dies, I haven't a clue as to how we will fill that need. Scary.

So do I study for the license I need to sell insurance or do I wait for Pamela Smith from Quicken Loans to call me back again. We all know how much fun phone tag is, so maybe I will send her a quick email. Perhaps she is busy, and maybe she has good news that will create the conundrum all job seekers want: having to tell someone no, I took another offer.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Suffering withdrawal

So I was a little nutzo today. I kept checking email, calling people, looking up new ways to maximize social media marketing, checking Facebook, etc, etc! I felt like a caged animal. Nothing was happening on the internet and all my friends were working so they did not answer. After spending the day spinning my wheels in lard on the slick ice of the job search I have concluded I was suffering from withdrawal. No not alcohol or sex addiction withdrawal. The kind of withdrawal sky divers understand. The kind you get from thrills, the very same I have been enjoying in the job hunt from being put on the spot during interviews.

So if you want to help, I am up for an interview right now. Call me.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Dark Circles

Tired? Bored? What is the difference? Both lead to slacking off and then that overwhelming need to rush due to procrastination.

Still looking for a job. Bored took career test on Told me the obvious: "You're a CREATOR" Of course I am! It also says I am an "Organizer". Well duh, anyone that buys an App so they can take inventory of their kitchen and household cleaning things must be an Organizer. Really! You read that right, I have an anal retentive app that allows me to track the cans of Red Beans in my pantry.

That is the best I could get! Info I already know. I know I have taken jobs that are not in my strengths. I know I need a job that allows me to be impulsive, tact-less, intuitive and emotional. Yes I need a job that allows me to do something that has precision and planning. I am good at it. That is what makes me so great at sales. I am candid, rational and irrational at the same time. I sell people things based on the emotional need, that is probably why I was such a good counselor at UOP, I could relate, (they call that empathy, and yeah I got that). And I understand organization, AKA commissions structures, data entry that gets me more and I seem to be accurate with customer orders and a stickler for rules and regulations- (yes, I know that is a contradiction to impulsiveness, but I promise you can be a contradiction and still be fun to work with).

So, the desperate search continues... I submitted an Ad on Facebook and Google Adsense to help get me Hired. Yeah, I have no money, but no one said you couldn't risk it all to get dollar bills.

So tired, yet I danced and sung out loud. I embarrassed my kids, and I was in my own home. Felt good.

Monday, June 13, 2011

I am so bored. I am so bored. Searching for a job is so boring. Okay, I don;t think I am frustrated yet. I think I am having better luck at finding interesting job assignments and getting my resume looked at then most,especiallynif you listen to the news.

Anyway, Thanks I really do like seeing the number of times my resume has been clicked on (10), and sent to a list for a recruiter to search through (93). I also really like careerbuilder keeping track of the number of positions I have applied to (10). Good News is I am really picky. So I haven't applied to that many jobs. I want jobs that are challenging and interesting.

Seriously the recruiters that write these job descriptions need a reality check! Yawn, if you need to take a nap read the want ads. Recruiters should take a creative writing class. How boring! Obviously every job in the world deals with customers. No I don't mean actually calling them or sitting face to face with new ones. I mean every employee has a customer. Sometimes it is your boss that is Your customer, and sometimes it is the accountant/bookkeeper that you give everything too as a data entry clerk. Really everyone has someone else that they need to please and that person is always right. And I really don't need a list of software programs I will use everyday, or the fact that I should have the ability to work with a browser. Really? That is what I hiring manager wants? Cause I haven been messing with browsers since I was like ten.

I am certain that the hiring manager doesn't want me to tell them I know how to use a web browser. I mean I just submitted my resume through, a website, I really think the recruiter is smarter than a 6 year old. So duh! Of course I know how to click and type a mouse. Get real. Tell me what you really want! If you want someone who will take a risk, or speak in front of a crowd, say so. Don't give me another boring list of SKILLS that have nothing to do with actually preforming the job of selling your company and product. Realistically, if I can find your job listing on-line, I am already capable of learning new things because the web changes instantly and so do I.

The frustrating part is feeling like you are reading the same job listing over and over. You would think with all the articles about how recruiters don't like reading the same resume would lead to creative job listings detailing what they want. Recruiters should take their own advice and write a job ad that says what they want, just like they want job hunters too. I seriously want to read an AD and say, Yes, that is the company I want to work for. I can already see they have personality and carisma that is a good fit for me.

Fantasy Job AD:

Wanted: Individual with personality, conformist not need apply. We need a person to stand up in front of our clients, looking great, and speaking fluidly about our product/service. We need a person who will not lie, believes in honest and integrity. We want a person of faith or science, that is willing to search out the truth where ever it is. We desire a person who likes to learn, reads interesting books and studies new things, just because it is interesting. We want a person who has a life, and actively participates in the community in any organization, (political and religious okay). We offer a great salary, enough to support a family and enjoy your vacation, health care, dental, life insurance and 401k with employer match after 1 year. We would really like it if you find Dilbert funny and don't judge others by the porn they watch, or the drugs they smoke, or their weird tattoo. Open-minded, fun, eccentric, honest and faithful person sought.

forgot what I wanted to say.

So I have been incredibly busy. Believe it or not looking for the right job is exhausting. I find myself not being very articulate lately. I know what I want... or think I do, but find myself having a difficult time saying it in a politically correct and appropriate fashion. I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind. Yes, I get giggles, snickers, interviews trying really hard not to laugh, and good conversations with hiring managers.

That is probably a weakness I should work on. Impulsive speech, a problem or a strength? Ummm. I think it depends on what is coming out of your mouth and how accepting your audience is. Should I change how I am and how does one go about stopping obscure and possibly obsence things.

On the plus side of being impulsive, is the shear thrill from the challenge of new things. That is probably why I am searching for sales jobs. I admit it, not just sales jobs, but really well paying jobs, things that are listing potential incomes of 60K to 100K. Sure, I have never made that money. But to be honest I have always been trying to do the responsible thing and make sure there was a steady paycheck, or at least since I have had my first kid. I think that is a problem. I remember back before I had kids, I had jobs that had no paycheck. Yet I made really great money. That I promptly spent on ridiculous non-responsible adult things like clothes, really pretty shoes, taking 5 friends to the movies and paying for it plus dinner and drinks later. Yeah, I am not sure why I have been so risk adverse for the last 8 years. It must be time to stop.

Anyway so I forget to say the really good strong thing that will set me apart as a candidate, but I promise I will stop stumbling over really dumb things, and perhaps stop drinking the tall mocha frappachinno before the interview.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Can you tell when you forget?

Not sure what is going on this week but it is the third day i have forgotten to take my pill and my Adderall in the morning. Forgetting to take the pill is frightening, but each day I have eventually remembered to take it. Unfortunately by the time I remember haven't had the Adderall which i normally take at the same time as my pill, it is mid afternoon. I have been advised not to take the Adderall past noon.

So can you tell when you forget? I would guess yes. It was obvious at 2pm that I just was not on the ball. I was everywhere at once. I was making lunch-something I had been working on for over an hour, folding laundry-or maybe it was just moving it into new piles, while feeding the kids pre made lunchables-which was somehow very stressful, and then there was the aimless job search-also happening at the sametime as everything else. So then it hits me; I am suddenly bored and can't find something to do, never mind all the things I had started, I suddenly wanted to go out and.... Not sure, party,shop, climb a mountain? I just know I wanted to to do something not boring.

I ended up in the kitchen and came across the pile of vitamins, pill and Adderall; right where I left them at 7am.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

She said what?!!!

I really thought that was some myth. I mean a social worker would not suggest such a thing, ever! It goes against some code of conduct right?!

So I visited a Social Worker today. She was nice, very rushed and obviously overworked. She also is underpaid according to what she claims to make per month. She tried to help. I think she is sincere. She did not have any suggestions on what resources one can use in my situation, so she called on a colleague that said something that is just pain WTF! After listening to the predicament I face about being on State Assistance and my problem with how I must find a Full Time Job with benefits that pays well enough to make up the deficit I will face and pay for child care she said I should tell DES that my husband and I split up.

Now don't get me wrong, there are days when he is grumpy and I am grumpy and that sounds like a great idea. The reality is even though I don't agree with him, and I often wish he did more, made more, participated more or what have you; I can't actually tell you what more of any it he could realistically do that would somehow make life so much less stressful and make all of us that much happier. I don't know what it is that could change it. No I am not stuck in some bad relationship, I am in a real world adult relationship, and the part that matters is just dandy with me. I don't think the part that matters can somehow be so much better, if I did then I suppose that crazy suggestion might make sense.

What the social worker thought telling DES we split would do is: first we would continue to get food stamps and health care when he went to school full time, we would then be eligible for cash assistance to pay for necessities like electricity, we would become eligible for section 8 housing assistance-though she said the wait was really long, we would also become eligible for child care subsidy so I could go to school or work or both, and that I would then possibly be eligible for some single mom to work programs. While many of these things sound great and I really would like to receive child care assistance so I could work and he can go to school, lying...

Really? That is the best option in here opinion. And I am not sure why either. Doing that does not actually improve our situation. In fact it just prolongs how long we stay in abject poverty and dependent on tax payers. Though the system is not exactly set up to get you on your feet and into the black, either. FYI; doing what she suggested just means that the State would then try to pursue my husband for the cash assistance when he does find another job while he attends school or even after he graduated. So it really does prolong how long you stay poor.

I just wonder why their is not some sorta gap filler so you can actually get off the system permanently. I know that finding a job is a great idea; but if I can't afford to feed my family or pay for child care so I can work, that I will just end up falling right back into the system and instead of grudgingly accepting medical insurance for the good of my children, I will end up demanding so much more because we will literally be forced onto the streets to meet the requirements and still be a whole family. If I can't find a job that pays enough for us to eat, have shelter, have electricity for heating and cooling, cover children's daycare expenses, the cost of getting to work by car, the cost of insuring the car, cover medical expenses and maybe a little extra for some fun, we will end up broke, on the street (living in our car), needing immediate emergency family housing, emergency food assistance, emergency cash assistance and possibly forcing the state to pay Foster Care expenses so our children can be in a safe place and not sleeping in the car. All of that is much more expensive then helping us fill in a gap or finding a resource that can help us manage.

And all the neigh sayers will say things like find cheaper housing, get rid of the car, the car insurance, don't heat or cool your home, and leave my children in a dangerous environment because I can't afford to higher someone who can keep them safe while we are away. Right, Lets see them leave their child in a meth house so they can go to work, because it is all they can afford. Let me see them find SAFE, CLEAN, housing that is close to a school that is actually teaching children to succeed. Okay right, when I can find a Cheap, Safe, Clean home that has a school I can trust that also happens to be on a bus line, with everything in walking distance I will give up the car. Unfortunately, I have not found a place that exists. Nor have I found a job near that imaginary place. So until then I will need a car to get the kids to school, daycare and myself to work and my husband can take the bus to school. Not that him taking the city bus to school would make a significant dent in family finances since it would still cost about $50.00 a month for the pass and significantly increase the amount of time the children need to be in childcare, thus increasing that expense more than the savings in gas and insurance. Maybe if the car he had needed a major overhaul....but it doesn't so, financially it doesn't add up to get rid of his vehicle as it doesn't save time or money.

That is what this all comes down to. Time. And Money. It takes time for a family to land safely on its feet after suffering a few financial set backs. And it takes money to afford the things that keep them from falling back again.

So the nice social worker felt awful because she could not provide any assistance that would help us up and out of the conundrum we face, and she was right to feel that way. I feel that way. What am I supposed to do? How can we as a family stay together? How can we stay afloat until we have finished our educations that barely hold any promise of a better paying job? I don't have an answer. I just know I will find a job, I will find health care benefits and I will find child care, I just don't know if I can afford going to work for less than 35K. Could you feed and shelter a family of 5 for that? Could you do it for less and still have the safe feeling in your belly when you leave for work each day?

If you have ideas on how to manage this problem, please share. Not only could it help me, and I am asking for it, it could help others that read this some day. :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

Ants go marching....

So. So. So. Do you think I will go to hell? I killed them. I sucked them into oblivion with the vacuum. Then I drown those left behind with soapy mop water, while my son smashed those trying to escape with a red Lego until they were nothing but black goo dots on the linoleum floor.

I did try to deter the ants from my home. The apartment was sprayed, their is a deadly bait trap outside and I keep the house fairly clean. Hey I am not Martha Steward! Our floors are swept regularly and mopped more then many restaurant bathrooms, and the carpet gets vacuumed every time I get annoyed at the smashed crackers and bits of play dough in the carpet. So it is cleaned as often as most.

Oh, did I mention the group of ants on the dog pillow were baked to death in the dryer? I know it killed them I pulled their crispy black bodies out of the lint trap.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

this week....

So this week I finally broke my platuea and now the butt in my fitted jeans is just a bit baggy. It feels really nice to say I am officially under 175. I celebrated with a snickers :0 Yes, I know not the most practical way to celebrate weightless. But I did not break free from the 175 mark by denying myself yum junk. I broke free by moving more. So now it is on to the next goal, five more, breaking the 170 mark. Hopefully a whole lot faster then the 175 mark.

I said I moved more. I really did! Do you know how difficult it is to wash and wax a car? That is how I broke the 175 mark. Then there was the effort it takes to tend the garden. Which brings another point. I did not change my diet persay, except eating a few items from the home garden. Did that make a difference? Do eating veggies and fruits from your own garden change your weight. Not eating more fruits and veggies or lowering the amount of calories, but is having a better quality, closer to nature, less chemical soup, veggie make a difference in how your body burns fat? I suppose that is a question that should be tackled by scientist and not some random persons anecdote.

A week or two ago I listened to a webcast about raising ADHD children and common difficulties parents encounter. They offered suggestions on how to overcome some typical challenges ( One thing the ladies talked about: children forgetting to brush teeth or not wanting too; made me laugh so hard. Not that poor hygiene is funny or the thought some normal people might think about how disgusting it feels not to brush ones teeth. It made me laugh because I saw myself. I am betting if you are in the normal camp the idea that brushing ones own teeth is waste of time is utter nonsense, but you miss the whole thing with add is about immediate positive feedback. Brushing your teeth does not really pay off immediately, it is something that takes a long time to see the results of the process, though it only takes a few years of neglect to see the negative results. Besides, brushing your teeth everyday is boring, and if you have a history of neglecting the teeth, it may actually hurt a lot to start brushing your teeth, so not doing it gets reinforced because it hurts. So if you are a parent, please stick to your guns and make your kids brush their teeth, oh, and don't do it for them or they won't do it when they are older. Really, just so you know it takes weeks and months to see results of good oral hygiene, something people with ADHD don't typically adhere too very long.

FYI I also worked on my resume. Still trying to define what the perfect job would be for me. I would still love to start my own business. I still think I could become a successful house painter, but ..... I have kids, my husbands about to go to school full-time, which means he won't be working full-time and we really need to have a steady, regular income while he is in school and health insurance is not just something that would be nice to have, it is a requirement that will help prevent total disaster both physically, mentally and financially. We simply can't afford not to be covered!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The $120 experiment

So this week I stuck to the $120.00 allowance. I did better then the last few weeks. I managed to pay the kids allowance, put $40.00 on the electric card, and even managed to treat myself to a taco bell burrito. The cash lasted until this morning, well kinda this evening. I spent $20.00 on iMovie for the iPad and the Mac book so I could edit last nits cub scout cross over, which has been kinda fun. So with the trip to Fry's this evening I am over the budget by $10.00. I had a really good reason for going over the budget, I needed to buy fish oil. I found it in the clearance sect

Ion of Fry's pills that are normally 25.00 per month were on clearance for $4.99 for a month supply.

So I got a few months worth, which sent me over it.

But now I don't feel so bad.

Cub Scouts Crossover 2011 pack 293

It's Tuesday and it's the last cub scouts meeting of the school year. With school out this week, I get e feeling the kids are about to get very bored.

So my oldest has made it successfully through his first year of cub scouts, skipped tiger, completed the short corse for bear and became a Wolf before December. Now it is time for him to go become what ever is next. I must with a big red embarrassed face say I don't know what rank is next.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Friday afternoon I was leaving the house. A repo tow truck arrived, not for my car. I mean I am broke but my vehicles are 100% paid for and I hold the titles free and clear. The repomen were not here for a new car not even a car from the last decade. As a matter of fact I think the car was worse less then it actually cost to tow the car and harass the own of the car for being behind in what ever payments they owed. The car repo'd was a 1994 Grey Pontiac Grand Am, with sun bleached paint and a baby seat in the back.

Personally disturbed by those facts.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Have been given the luxury of staying home with the kids after a bad break up with my previous job, searching for a new job is somewhat overwhelming.

While i would like to stay home For the next 2 to 3 years while Danny grows old enough to go to kindergarten, I am just bored out of my mind! Being a house mom is mind numbingly boring. It is the same thing nearly everyday, clean, organize, mediate, hope something's on tv or there is a new article to read, maybe listen to talk radio, and run shopping errands. Over and over again. Okay so I could call some friends, except they area all working mothers, mostly single so they don't have the "opportunity" to stay home. You might say go find a activity to do with the kids during the day, and I would be forced to remind you that our current family income is less than 20k, so anything that routinely cost more then $5.00 a week is a big strain on the balancing act.

A job. So soon my husband will be returning to school to work on a bachelors in biomedical engineering, which means a full time job for him is out. I could get a part time job, but they just don't seem to offer what I am looking for. All the part time Jobs seem to be at fast food restaurants, or retail mall locations, and as one would guess don't offer health insurance. They also seem to offer only minimum wage, which would actually be a hinderance instead of an improvement in our financial situation.

Fine print to explain that to you: my husband is a US Marine Corps Veteran who will be utilizing his Montgomery GI Bill. Regardless of whether he uses that money to pay the actual tuition or uses it for living expenses, the State of Arizona will see that amount as income and reduce benefits both food stamps, and health care. I really am not concerned about the food stamps, there are other affordable ways to find food to feed a family. I am terrified of a job and GI Bill benefits totaling just enough to cancel our access to public health insurance.

If you have been blessed enough in your life to never have needed an single entitlement program for the poor in your life, then this may not make much sense. After all the Montgomery GI bill is supposed to go directly to covering books and tuition, so why should that effect a families ability to receive healthcare coverage? All I can say is they also see any pell grants and student loans you receive as income that increases your income, thus creating the likelihood that your new "income" will put you over the federal poverty line. Once you are over the poverty line, employer health insurance or not, the government doesn't care. This also explains why so many users of the system never get off the system, there is no middle ground, no here buy health insurance at an affordable rate or you can keep your awful public health insurance if you pick up the bill. No you are left to try and find your own full coverage health insurance and if you are working part time fat chance you will actually be able to afford that, let alone a co-pay for medicine and doctors visit.

So knowing that, a part time job without health insurance just won't do. That leaves full-time employment and if you haven't searched for a job lately you might be surprised to learn that the majority of jobs are not offering health insurance, let all own 401k, tuition reimbursement, short-term disability insurance, long-term disability or even 2weeks paid vacation. All of those facts are frightening, especially since the jobs that are not offering these middle class requirements are also not offering enough cash to purchase one let alone all of them.

Add to this I am very weary of any job that is in a call center and finding a job seems just plain overwhelmingly impossible. To make it just that much more challenging, i am nearly certain that I don't want an office job where I am stuck at desk all day doing the exact same thing. Nothing is more challenging to ADHD then doing the same repetitive task and having little to no opportunity to change scenery or work your way up or horizontally to a better position.

Given the bleak job prospects for everyone in general the idea that I desire to have a job that complements my strengths and minimizes my weaknesses might seem upsurd. I just wonder why not have a job you actually like, and want to succeed at everyday that also provides your family with the necessities to maintain financial prosperity?

Job requirements if you are wondering:

Health insurance, full coverage

Adequate livable wage, no food stamps necessary

401k, I need to retire someday

Short and long term disability insurance

Vacation and sick time

Tuition reimbursement, just shows you want to keep me long term

Paid training

Variation in tasks and responsibilities

Creativity in the environment

Positive atmosphere


Opportunity to move up or horizontally should I get bored

A schedule where I still see my family and don't pay all my wages to a childcare provider

Maybe even a little travel, perhaps local sales calls?