Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Feeling un-accomplished

Well welcome!

 It's Tuesday and I said I would write a blog and post the Vlog each week. So here I am. Cranky.
I think I have heartburn. My kids didn't want to be in the kitchen with me today because I was so full of stinky farts!!!


I had a bunch of stuff I was planning or rather mulling over doing today. That would benefit my clients. But instead, I took a nap! Then did all the following to not work on 'Work'.  Wrote a landing page, signed up for affiliate marketing links, scrolled aimlessly at Facebook, created a LinkedIn Ad for myself, but not my clients, photoshopped a clip art so that the little girl would have black hair like me,

made enough black bean stew for 2 weeks, re-applied my lipstick like 6 times, ate my kitten's weight in tortilla chips and guacamole.

Other Things I did

 Made this vlog post and wrote this weeks blog to compliment it, I also explored my next steps for Facebook Instant Articles set up- which is super technical, adding in Facebook Ad Network to the business blog, not this blog that will feed the Instant Articles, went to the grocery store because I was out of chicken breast and my kid wanted that instead of spaghetti and marinara sauce, checked the mail, checked my emails, opened the mail, sorted the mail, verified the Google My Business, I still don't know what that is! Played with the cat, watched the kids clean the kitchen, from a safe no fart zone, took a shower...I think, sat in front of my computer typed a bunch but feel like I got nowhere.

But You Did So Many Worthwhile Things!!!

AGH, this is the problem with ADHD. There are too many worthwhile things. All the things I did move me closer to one goal or another goal which is cool. Unfortunately, none of the things I did today move my client's projects closer to being finished. Which sucks! Agh, why couldn't I stick with the plan? Why didn't I just do the things that were actually on my list. The truth is we may never know, kinda like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.


Here is my very long Vlog for today. A lot of things happened in the last 7 days. Some were stressful, some are weird, others were downright uncomfortable. Believe it or not, most of them are not even mentioned in today's blog, the written portion.  My kitten is tired and he keeps chasing the cursor on my monitor as I type and while it is normally adorable, tonight I am finding it repulsive. 

View on Facebook:

View on YouTube: 

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Mommy ADHD: Parenting a Sick Child

Hello! I know I wanted to do this vlog part every week. I think Tuesday is a good day for me. It seems like I can dedicate myself to updating this blog and the vlog on Tuesdays.
Unfortunately, last week was, well, full of life. Whatever, right? So there was no blog or vlog or really anything that looked like work.

I had the water heater fail last Thursday. Yes owning your own home is wonderful! I highly recommend everyone try homeownership. Anyway, I had no money and now other-half to come to my rescue. I admit to borrowing money from both my Mom and Dad that I had no way to repay. It is a humbling experience to ask for a "loan" you have no way to pay back. I have no "income" at the moment and I have used most of my savings over the last year as I stayed home to recover from a heart attack. I am busting my butt in all directions trying to get everything in order to take on marketing clients on my own and end my relationship with the previous Digital Agency that I was a partner in. Borrowing $1,040.00 was yucky.

On Monday of last week my business with the previous partners officially dissolved and we started the resolution process of assigning accounts and notifying clients of the changes. Fun, but not a lot of action was taken by me or the business partners, so it is still sorta unresolved and just taking up space in my mind. 

Monday I attended the Goodyear Business Alliance hosted by Networking360. To be clear this is not a networking event, but a group of other business owners at different stages in their business who come to share and learn from each other. I love it. It has really kept me motivated to keep taking steps to build the business. I also had an impromptu meeting with a potential client in need of website development.  So it was a good day and things were looking good, even if I had no hot water and needed to shower at my mothers.  

Tuesday the plumber came. It took all day. Originally I had no issue with that. But about 4:30 pm the kid that had vomited and missed school became especially cranky and needy. I just didn't have the ability to wait for the plumber and make a trip to urgent care. So I called for reinforcements and his Dad showed up and took him to urgent care for me. They discovered he had the Flu!  

Luckily, the flu was caught early and he had Tamiflu to help reduce the duration of the flu. Better still he had been given the flu shot and so had my entire household. I can attest that no other member of the family has shared in his flu experience. Which is good because I am a heart attack survivor and I need to avoid getting the flu myself.

Anti-Immunization people probably don't want to hear more about my PRO-Immunization stance, but you should get your flu shots! They help prevent the spread of the flu. Tamiflu is only good if you get a flu diagnosis in the first 48 hours, and most people don't get the diagnosis until the 3rd or 4th day. Getting the flu shot reduces the chance of getting one of the strains in the flu vaccine by up to 70%, which I think is great! Get your shots! Protect others from the spread of preventable disease.

Having a sick kid led to me sitting on the couch for 4 days! I didn't do much of anything. Not this blog, vlog or working on my business. I don't know if that is normal behavior for other parents. Is it? Do most people just tend to the ill child and ignore the rest of the world and responsibilities? I am open to learning from your experiences.  Let me know. I am curious. Seriously! Am I alone? Is this an ADHD thing? Or just a parent thing? Do parents with partners do this too? Just Moms? Just Single parents? I really don't know. Nobody shares the ugly of life. 

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Overcoming Fears starting a Vlog

Obviously, this is a blog. It is a place I write some thoughts that I would otherwise keep to myself. I'd probably explode if I kept all this to myself, so I write.

As part of my commitment to self-care and well, sanity, I thought I would work on building my writings and start something new, possibly fun. I have a few friends that have vlogs. They really love making content and one even encouraged her daughter to start her own channel. So here I am, taking a leap into video and well becoming a parent of a young YouTuber myself. I'll be talking to here tomorrow about how to manage a child on YouTube. Maybe she has words of advice.

While I have lots of things to say, the first video was a bit of a challenge. I'll talk later about how I regret that one Christmas gift the kids wanted in an upcoming video.

 But first, the video. This first attempt the lighting wasn't quite right. I guess when I set it up earlier in the day the camera really enjoyed all the bright lights. But come evening the camera wanted nothing to do with the bright lights. I adjusted. Then I didn't like how I looked. SO I put some make-up on. Then I got started. The first video was really nice, just wish I had recorded it. :)

Here is my first video. Nothing much yet. But how do you eat an elephant? Well, one bite at a time of course. --->https://youtu.be/X5WEqhJjXo8

Friday, January 18, 2019

We Believe: The Best Men Can Be

I am a mom. A woman. I have 3 young boys. One day they will be men. This week the internet and television exploded after Gillette published a short film asking men if this is the best men can be. I've watched this advertisement-film many times.

If you somehow have failed to view this 1-minute-and-50-second film,  titled "We Believe: The Best Men can Be,  I suggest you view it to judge for yourself.

Image from Gillette short film - We Believe: The Best Men Can Be

This film is about men and their responsibility for their role in our society. Society is made of men, women, and people who are non-conforming to the binary genders. In society, all people have responsibilities to improve the lives of each other, themselves and the future generations which is not worthy of protest. This film shows us the worst side of the typical man in America. If you are a woman or non-conforming person, this is sadly what dominates the interaction with "men". Men are at the top of the pyramid in our society.

The film starts out with a middle-aged man staring at himself in the mirror.  He is the proverbial man in the mirror, Micheal Jackson sang about. You hear the newscaster shout "Bullying" which is common in our schools and workplaces. Just take a look at these tales of bullying at schools and this racial bullying example from GM manufacturing plant against black workers..

Then the newscaster says, 'The #metoo movement", and yes, yes, many men, even the majority of 'men' scoffed at the #metoo movement as some crazy liberal feminist nonsense, but it is an outcry for women and men to tell the survior stories of sexual misconduct that has gone unacknowledged and were often hidden.

Then a narrator asks "is this the best a man can be?". Example after example of 'men' behaving poorly blazes across the screen, bullying, sexual harassment, mansplaining, looking the other way, allowing physical boundaries to be crossed, chanting "boys will be boys", as otherwise good 'men' take steps to stand up for what is right.

At 53 seconds as Terry Crews says "Men need to hold other Men accountable". Right there is where men who don't represent the best of men get angry.  Is it because they find in themselves that they are the ones telling "women to smile'? Are they angry because it is not appropriate to follow a woman as she goes about her daily business and cat-call her? Are they the Harvey Wienstiens of the world? Are they the 'grab them by the pussy' type of guy talk and do they find being told this behavior is NOT very appealing to either men or women? Are they the men telling the next generation to Man up and not be a pussy? Did this short film cause them to look in the mirror and see a reflection they didn't like?

As a mother, it is my responsibility to teach my 3 boys to be better than their father. It's probably his responsibility too, unfortunately, he has allowed all the bravado of the US Marine Corp and its toxic masculinity to become less than the best of men. I've never subscribed to the 'boys will be boys' mentality and at times have argued loudly with my own mother for saying that to me about my former husband and to my boys in regards to their behavior. Men are not awful and they don't need to be harmful to other men or women around them to show their masculinity. Boys will be exactly the type of men we teach them to be. We want our men to be masculine, to stand up against the wrongs in this world for those that don't have a voice. We want our men to be honorable the way a Boy Scout instills trustworthiness in strangers. We want our men to know they are the one man that has the power to change this world. They are the men that can be the best.

This short film-commercial is not a video decrying men as the awful, horrid beasts. This short film is a reminder that Gillette believes in the Best Men Can be. If this short film-commercial makes you buy more razors from Gillette, then it is doing its job. If this short film-commercial makes the men around you stand up for what is good about men then it has done its job. If this short film-commercial makes you angry as a man who wants to condemn Gillette and buy another brand, then maybe you should ask yourself what about this commercial angers you...

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Happy 2019!

Happy 2019!

I've had it with 2018! It was painful in so many ways.  First, it started with the recovery from a heart attack, well 2, and unemployment as a result. Though I did have a 'side-hustle'. Recovery from a heart attack is about 30% physical and 70% mental. I've heard of people who had no choice but to return to full-time employment just days or weeks after a myocardial infarction or heart attack and I see that after that they don't "recover". They stay in survival mode and typically get sicker and sicker as the years go by. In large part, because they didn't have time to reflect on what went so wrong and how to fix the damage that had been done. Like I said its 70% mental.

My recovery has been difficult. I did not do well on a medication called atorvastatin. I thought my ADHD was getting worse or that I was just stressed out from the incident. But when I couldn't carry on a conversation or remember the sentence I had just read, I complained. I wasn't listened too. When I was I couldn't remember what the instructions were. Hahaha. It was terrible. Eventually, I had leg pain, this burning, tingling, needling sensation that would not stop. It got to the point where walking from the bed to the bathroom was an endurance event. When I reported that symptom the cardiologist immediately took me off the atorvastatin and wanted me to take another similar 'statin' medication. I refused. He's really not happy about that. Neither is my Family Doctor. But Life needs to be enjoyable not just "longer" as he claims. Though the scientific studies show it only extends the life of a heart attack survivor by 5 days. I'd like those days to be pain-free. 

In addition, I had my Mother living with me for all of 2018. I don't know if you realize this but mothers and daughters should not live together as adults. It is awful. It is confusing. It is not something I recommend to anyone that can avoid it. While I love my Mom, I never want to live with her in the room next door to me, at least not for as long as she is working her bizarre 2am - 11am+ schedule. She requires absolute silence! I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, and 4 cats. Silence isn't something we are capable of delivering. Some days she would get home shortly after 11am and I would be required to "be QUIET" so she could nap. That meant my 'side-hustle' could not be done because I "talk too loud" according to my mother. It also meant things like dishes couldn't be done because the clanging of the dishes was too loud as was the dishwasher. No yard work, not that I really wanted too, but it was out. All the organizing and hanging up of pictures or moving furniture so you could de-clutter the house was also out. I may have ADHD but I HATE clutter. Agh. It was everywhere. Maybe a touch OCD about the clutter. Everything must have a home in my home or I throw it out. Kids hate that. :)

I know what you're thinking...why just not do all the things before she returns home? Well, the woman never communicated what time she would be home. And when she was home she would stuff herself into her 'bedroom' lock the door and turn the TV on to CNN. She called that napping. But I was required to keep the place quiet until the kids went to sleep because shortly after her 'nap' was her 'bedtime'. Do you know how difficult it is to keep silent while cooking dinner?

Just to make things more inconvenient the Washer and Dryer were located in her room. But as all children know you can't go into your parents' room. So I couldn't wash clothing at will. I had to wait for her to do it, then listen to her complain about it. Now I had an answer, we could go explore the front closet in the living room where the previous owner claimed the original laundry room was. But I couldn't do it because if I got caught doing something 'difficult' like removing a false wall panel and testing the outlet and water supply there would be lots of words from her on how I needed to take it easy because I had had a heart attack and she didn't want me to die. Yea guilt trip. So she did the laundry, then complained about doing it, but complained more if I went into her room to do the laundry before she came home.

So now she is gone from the house. And I need to find a way to quickly cover the expense of the mortgage. SO her absence is both a blessing and a bit of a challenge. My side hustle with my partners is in shambles. That's a story for another day, maybe another or two I have. Anyway's I am making my own side hustle. I am going to restart my old business Binary Digital Media. I am working on the business plan so stay tuned for what that turns into. Maybe websites, maybe websites and social media, who knows. I've got until the weekend to figure that out and update my old website http://www.binarydigitalmedia.com. I have a potential website client, that was referred to me by a friend so I may have a few hundred dollars coming in this month. I have to work on the household budget too, see what I can do to make it all work in 2019.

Glad to leave all that crazy in 2018 and tidying the house after my mom left was a nice stress reliever.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Laziness doesn't exist and coping

The last six months have been...hell. I am a huge fan of the TV Show Lucifer so it feels so odd to use that analogy to my ongoing recovery from my heart attack. I've seen a lot of people who are obsessive fans of the show and I think if it weren't for the escapist show about the Devil turned Cop I may be in a far worse place.

Today I finally accomplished one of the goals I on my to-do list. As an ADHD adult, I take meds. Meds with come with a stigma that even my Mom uses to remind me of how I don't measure up. In December of 2017, I had my quarterly med check with the Psychiatric Nurse. I am one of the unfortunate people fortunate enough to have state health insurance and the price tag is difficulty navigating the "system" combined with "people who are underpaid, overworked, burnt out" who have no problem letting you fall through the cracks. I asked to be added back to the rolls of people who were getting counseling since I was not working I would have no problem "keeping" the appointment.

I never got the appointment. To be honest I was so exhausted from the physical recovery of having a heart attack I didn't notice I had been ignored. My next quarterly med check came in March 2018. I asked again for an appointment with a counselor. I had a bit more energy in me. They don't explain how exhausted you will be from just the act of getting out of bed after a heart attack. For those that don't succeed getting past the bed sheets, I understand. It is very crippiling. I was a bit more persistent, I followed up, called again and again, got call back from caseworkers, but no appointment.

I gave up again. I was told a supervisor would follow up. But it didn't happen.  If you are wondering why people on social services don't feel the desire to keep fighting for assistance, all I can say is this is not a unique situation or the first time I encountered bureaucracy.  It is exhausting.

Working through the health stuff and trying to get back onto my proverbial feet by returning to work. I applied to Vocational Rehabilitation. I applied partly out of desperation and partly out of frustration when trying to find work that would fit my new reality.

New Reality:

  • can't work outside, it's too hot/ too cold
  • cant work a job that needs me to work 8+ hours 
  • can't work a job that doesn't let me be home with my kids
  • can't work a high-stress job at a call center
  • can't work a job that requires me to be on my feet
  • can't work a job that requires me to sit stationary
  • can't work a job that requires lifting heavy items
  • can't work a job that doesn't let me go to my doctors' appointments, of which there are many, many, many per month
  • can't work a job that requires me to be ridged, wait that is just an existing ADHD thing.
  • Job still needs to make me 35-60K a year
Believe it, the state government Vocational Rehabilitation Assistance actually got me an appointment before I got an appointment with a counselor. Their turn-around time was about 2 months. Pretty dang fast in my experience! But they needed things, things from my state-funded Psychiatric Nurse.

Needing things fast I took a friend with me to the state-funded Psychiatric Nurses office and asked for that info need. Of course, the desk person didn't know what the hell I needed or was even asking. Can't be surprised, its a low paid $9.00 an hour job and hundreds of patients come in every single day. So I asked for a supervisor, with my back up, my friend.

Supervisor in person was exactly what I needed to get the appointment with the counselor. 
Checking off the long-awaited counseling appointment.  In all, it was nearly 6 months of time getting that appointment. I am proud to say I didn't slash any tires or turning into a raging vile-language ogre along the way. 

I attended the appointment this morning...It was emotionally draining explaining to a stranger where I am. Emotions are tough on the heart. They can make your blood pressure rise, your heart race. If you've lived a life with ADHD, Depression, Anxiety or any other experience that limits you, you probably know this. I took a 5-hour nap. And now I can't sleep.

My Facebook is buggy tonight, which means it can't distract me. But Twitter is working. Twitter is where I went when Lucifer was canceled by Fox. So it provides a good deal of distraction. Among the distraction, I found this article. Laziness Doesn't Exist. It helped me cope. My life is full of people who judge me and tell me I am Lazy. Former Co-workers, Business Partners, Family, Ex-husbands, mothers and sometimes me. It resonated with me following today's appointment with the new counselor, who pointed out that I have accomplished a lot. People who call you lazy because you didn't meet their expectations are explained in this article. Now I understand a bit more about them so I can be a bit less on loathing to myself. 

Thursday, April 5, 2018

the Exit of the Strattera and Return to Adderall ER

In the century of life since I last wrote in 2016.  A ton has changed in my life.  Marriage is finished, but I guess that is not a surprise. The divorce judge told me I couldn't write my blog if I mentioned him.  So that happened and I obeyed.

My education attempts were squashed by fatigue that didn't resolve itself. I am now 37 years old, a single mom with 3 kids who also has her Mom living in her house.

The kids are well adapted and eat 3 meals a day, wash behind their ears and change their underwear. I think. I have 3 boys, I am doubtful they change the underwear since I never wash many.  The middle one goes commando, I tried taking him shopping for pants unannounced, that did not work out well.  One of us was embarrassed and left the store...

The babysitter lost her mind hit my oldest son. I kicked her out. And managed to keep things running with a little help from my ex and weekly assistance from my Mom. The loss of the babysitter added to the fatigue I was experiencing.

In early 2017 I left my job at Facebook in a desperate attempt to vanquish the fatigue demon. I was told by 2 physicians and a psychologist my fatigue was due to depression. They were wrong. Leaving the highly competitive and stressful call center environment didn't work for long to relieve the "depression".  No doubt, I needed to leave the company that employed us Facebook Sales Reps as sub-contractors.

I found a temporary job that had a lower wage but had a great boss, I liked her a lot and wish I hadn't been in such terrible health and been the employee she deserved. I missed a lot of work! So much work that my own business working on Facebook Digital Ads on the side wasn't enough to keep my savings intact. I spent my savings literally keeping the lights on and feeding the kids. I was missing so much work due to fatigue that I should have been fired. Any non-involved boss would have fired me for missing nearly every other Monday and 1/2 or more of another day each week. But again she was kind and a great human being.

By the middle of 2017, I had gained an extra 15-20lbs.
I can't be exactly certain because I developed a fear of the scale after I saw it hit 252lbs.  I just stopped taking my weight because it didn't matter how hard I exercised or what I ate, the number on the scale just went up. I didn't realize it but I also had developed a reluctance to have my photo taken. It was rather embarrassing to see myself that large. This is a photo of me in the spring of 2017 at my heaviest, about 250 pounds or 18 stones.  I've removed the innocent people from this photo. Yes, I knew I was big. I was tagged in this photo by my cousins. I didn't tell them but it made me cry. How did I turn into one of those before photos that we used to see on Nutrisystem and Jenny Craig when we were kids?

I doubled down on the efforts to control my weight.  I actually quit sugar of any kind.  No soft drinks, no maple syrup in your oatmeal, no added sugar hidden in the pasta sauce, no white bread or rice, actually almost no grains at all. No sugar substitutes of any kind were permitted. Water, seltzer water, and unsweet iced tea were all I drank. Grocery Shopping drove me insane! Try going shopping only to discover there is added sugar in peanut butter and ketchup. I went militaristic Vegan, sugar-free, oil-free, caffeine-free, no eating out, no cheat day, practically only raw fruits and veggies. I went outside and tried walking, but was still too tired to manage more than getting the mail or bringing in the groceries.  The walk from the temporary job office to the parking area was only about 1/4 mile round trip. But it wore me out. I rear ended people twice at stoplights after work.  I couldn't tell you how I went from a full stop with 10+ feet in front of me to rear-ending the car in front of me at low speeds.  Both people forgave me. Unfortunately, I didn't know it was a symptom of what was happening in my body.

I lost 15-20 pounds or about 1 stone in about 6 weeks. So life should have been going in the right direction. It was Halloween night 2017, it could have been April Fools Day and just as many people would believe what was happening was a heart attack.  I handed out the candy to the neighborhood kids. I was exhausted and was ordering the kids not to eat all the candy and go to bed when the most severe pain began in my chest. Within a minute I was nauseous, tried taking antacids that I couldn't swallow after chewing. I spit them out on the floor of the bathroom as I the pain brought me to my knees.  I called for my kids. I asked them to wake up my Mom. My Mom didn't know what was wrong and neither did I.  I was 36 years old.  No one thought heart attack. We went to the ER.

I was given immediate entry to the ER when I walked into registration. The intake rep knew something was seriously wrong. They did what your thinking, took my blood pressure, hooked me up to an EKG and gave me morphine, nitrogen and a few other things like Mylanta.  Took an x-ray and some blood. Told me I was experiencing Heart Burn and sent me home after taking 2 Percocets 7.5mg/325mg.  I spent the night in agony until nearly 6 am when I finally was able to sleep. I missed more work.

I followed up with the primary care physician as instructed, missing more work. I was told maybe it was a gallstone passing and that we should schedule an ultrasound of the gallbladder to verify I didn't need to have it out. It was November 9th, 8 whole days since I had been to the ER for chest pain.  The pain returned. Not as severe, but it was back.  The ultrasound wasn't scheduled until the 10th, and I didn't think waiting till morning was right. This time I threw up on the way to the ER. I wasn't sweaty like the first time. I thought since this is a gallstone I could be patient when it took 2 hours before I was given pain meds. The blood pressure was high but way lower than the 250/110 it was before. Despite the pain, I choose to walk the 1000ft from the ER to the Ultrasound Tech's room. Then I walked back, sat down on the gurney and picked up my book.

As the RN that had escorted me was hooking me back up to all the devices, a very flustered ER Physician burst into my room. "We've called an ambulance to transport you," is what he vomited out. I wasn't quite sure I heard him correctly. My mom was equally confused by this statement. The guy was probably about my age and white as a ghost as he explained that my lab results were back and I had an elevated enzyme that indicated I had suffered a heart attack. I am certain I didn't believe him, the pain was significantly less severe than what happened on Halloween night, so I asked why couldn't we just drive to the other hospital.

I took my first trip in an ambulance,
with the lights on, high on morphine and completely confused as to why they were certain I had a heart attack this time and not heartburn. Because who takes an ambulance for heartburn. I spent the night in the cardiac wing of St. Joesphs in downtown Phoenix. I eavesdropped on the nurse as she became frustrated that the Cardiologist declined to come in that night and said he would see me in the morning before noon since I was so young.  I can attest morphine makes it so you don't give a fuck that something as wrong as age discrimination is happening to you in a true medical emergency. The nurses weren't happy and that should have been enough for me to give a crap, but I went to sleep.

The next day the Cardiologist swaggers in as cock as a TV doctor. "Ah well you're young, it was probably nothing," he tells me.  Still high as a kite, I agree. Probably nothing and the food sucks so...

I was sent to the Cath Lab which is expensive speak for a room where critical heart blockages are broken up and arteries are spread open like a vagina with a speculum in it. I am told the Cardiologist and the techs were surprised to discover an 80% blockage of the Left Anterior Descending Artery which leads to death in 4 out of 5 people who have a blockage there.  It is the type of blockage that you don't want to wait until the next day to deal with, let alone a full 9 days from onset. It's named the 'Widow Maker' because of the high death rates even with modern interventions, it is the deadliest type of heart attack because it supplies blood to the heart itself. Prognosis is a lifetime supply of drugs to keep your blood thin, blood pressure low.  Cholesterol-lowering medications are added as the standard of care in America.  Add a ton of strange looks as you go to the cardiologist office and pick up your meds and you are suddenly ripe for a new reaping of anxiety issues.

I tried returning to work the next week on the advice of the cardiologist. I just couldn't focus.  Good old ADHD had gone nuclear on me. I stopped paying my bills, because what was the point. I stopped answering the phone. I stopped returning text messages or even spending hours per day on Facebook. I became a no call no show and lost my job with the good boss. I failed to complete work as a Facebook Digital Ads Manager. I lost several clients. I checked out of adulting, parenting, and showering. But I was oblivious to it all because it was the holidays and I was walking further than before without the same level of exhaustion. Life was good(ish). Like I never stopped taking morphine.

I kept walking, slow, but far. I checked in with the family physician, the cardiologist and even the psychologist and the nurse that controls the psych meds.  I had so many doctors appointments that I didn't notice my life was in shambles. I had become a hypochondriac as well. Well, I thought that I was being a hypochondriac because I was finally admitting to all the aches and pains that had become my body and visited the ER, Urgent Care Clinic, Doctor, and Obgyn.

Don't ignore pain! It's not all in your head.

My ex claimed I was just a soft pussy that couldn't handle pain while we were married because I would say my back hurts, I am bloated, my leg hurts, my head hurts, my boobs hurt, sex hurt. It wasn't in my head. The hypochondriac learned after months of follow up, ultrasounds, x-rays, ct scans, blood serum, physical exams and countless hours in the car to another appointment I was living with a very real disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom or POS for short in the second month of 2018.

This diagnosis was my ah-ha moment.  This was the root cause of the heart attack. On the surface POS is just a bunch of painful cysts on the ovaries of women, but underneath it lies a metabolic dysfunction caused by hormone imbalances, high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, hair loss, adult acne and difficult to lose weight. This was how I arrived in the ER with a heart attack and no family history of heart disease.

So here we were. A heart attack survivor and unknown sufferer of a serious disorder. I read a few blogs, found a few well-known physicians and naturopaths online, read a book and found that I was on the right track with the crazy militaristic version of a vegan diet before the heart attack.  Lose the fat, build the muscle and lose the weight are the overall best practices for living with this broken body. Oh and stop the birth control, it is half the problem.

But then in the follow up with the Psychologist, I let it slip that my focus was horrible and that the Cardiologist said it had nothing to do with all the meds I had been given despite what I read on the internet from actual users of these drugs. The psychologist told me I shouldn't be on Strattera at all. Apparently, it causes an increase in blood pressure over long periods of time and is now associated with an increased risk of cardiac death.  So the rainbow of pills I am taking needed to be changed. He told me to go cold turkey on the Strattera and handed me a new script for an old friend Adderall ER.

What is weirder is that I called the cardiologist office to run this past them and they agreed that I should take Adderall ER, an amphetamine! WTF?! I stopped taking Adderall ER because I couldn't remember to take the damn thing in the first place and it was still disappearing. I still believe to this day my ex was up to something with that Adderall. On top of that, I had just disposed of some really old Adderall ER I found in my sock drawer. I hid it there to try and stop it from disappearing when I was married and forgot about it.  So obviously I was never addicted to it.

Which brings me to today. The first day I have had Adderall in years. Wow! Now some people get the jitters, I remember I had that the very first time I used Adderall. Many non-Adhders claim it makes them super productive and helps them get shit done. But I don't recall this from before and it didn't happen today. I went from having all the thoughts on all the subjects all at once and being interrupted by the next random thought to being able to have a single complete thought smoothly followed by the next thought in a linear fashion. It was weird. I don't recall that before, but my kids were little and I was at home alone with 2 kids under age 5, one with autism at the time. If this happens every time I take Adderall ER, I'll keep it. If this is a one-time deal, I am glad to have had the experience of a calm mind for an afternoon.