Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Shooting a gun, meeting the Mayor and other stuff

So the other stuff... Still working! Going around Gilbert and Mesa talking to strangers. I just love how as an adult you can break all your mothers rules! "Don't talk to strangers," mom always said, but now that is how I make my money. It's rather interesting. People everywhere all have great stories to tell and terrifying fears to express. I absolutely love meeting them all.

I met a woman named Paula. And even though I haven't told her, I think she has changed the course of my life. There was no reason for me to walk into her office. I am a skilled trades construction specialist and that is all I can manage. Paula is one of those people that seems to know everyone. She is both calming and exciting! Her stories are engulfing and what she shares can change the course of all the lives around her.
What did she share that so changed my path? Some deep secret? Simple she shared her desire to have her business succeed, her faith, and her friends. You won't get prejudice from Paula or any one she introduces you to. For me she guided me to a series of connections that impacts all of Arizona.

One invitation, of a shy business to business sales girl, brought me to breakfast with Towne of Gilbert Ambassadors, Senators, local business leaders and of course potential business contacts. From that one morning in a hotel conference room other things grew. For one I attended a separate industry round table event for Towne of Gilbert where I spoke to local government, industry leaders in construction and real estate development, and education leaders for the State of Arizona.

Most interesting is the repeated questions Mayor Lewis asked about what we see happening in our local labor force. It was weird to think that what my team at Command Center does is so critical to the health of our community. Who would have thought I would learn so much about construction labor needs and what needs to change to improve the future right here in Arizona. I guess if the Mayor of Gilbert had room in his budget to pay staff members to ask every construction boss in town what they thought for six months Command Center wouldn't have a role in guiding local education and local government funding.
As great as that feels, this week marked my 10 year wedding anniversary. I wonder if that's what it is called when a couple wildly goes and gets hitched? So 10 years later I am still married, but I finally got the most romantic and thoughtful gift ever, a trip to the shooting range. Yes, I finally got someone, my husband, to show me how to fire a real gun. I hope we do it again real soon.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

10 years

Hello blog I miss you so I thought today I'll go ahead and use the Dragon dictate on my drive wow traffic is awful yesterday was the end of Labor Day weekend which is a wonderful wonderful holiday the one thing I like about unions one thing that you truly deserve credit for that five days work weeks they got 40 hour work weeks so what have I learned in 10 years well he still can't talk to me about anything ever don't know I Addis to get vacation time benefits and of course Labor Day to celebrate the right of workers to have a life and also the weekend that I met my husband
Vegas 10 years ago so after 10 years of marriage what I learned I learned he still can't talk to me about anything and talking to him means that I get no eye contact and I just feel like him until quite I really don't know how to change that try it all the things that you're supposed to try asking the question trying to be nice and then last night comes up Emily and
Even notice when I have been snacking a lot of kiss on my ass is not being nice fact it's just you trying to tell me that you want to get on I'm not interested in getting it on when I need paying for my interested in getting it on after you tell me that I don't pay attention to you and then I don't know this meeting give me a kiss just completely wrong because you don't notice that when I do it whatever goes back to failure to communicate no idea how to fix that every single level out here no idea how to fix


Pamela Orozco
602-319-0502
Independent Aflac Agent
Lake Pleasant Scout-O-Rama Chair Person
ADHD Blogger
Mother of Differently Abled

Pamela.orozco@us.aflac.com
Lakepleasantscoutorama@gmail.com
Ajnickmom@gmail.com
Sent from my iPhone with auto corrected text, it may have something ridiculous, inappropriate, offensive or incomprehensible! I probably didn't proof read it cause I was busy thinking Apple is magical and Perfect. And if you are still reading this signature your the type that highlights fine print and knows that the last change in user agreement between you,Google, and Apple allowed them to videotape you, record audio, and publish it on the Internet, but that their Public Relations Managers say its all good cause the app warms a glass of milk for you before bed, checks your closet for boogiemen, and reads you a bedtime story before tucking you in.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Well what now?

People can be irrational. So what? Doesn't everyone have a bad, bad day now and then? And isn't it awful to throw away a potentially beneficial relationship because of a terrible mis understanding?

So this is where I am at today. I see two people have individually had a bad day. And they unfortunately ended up in the same room alone. Both people were impossibly rushed and busy with their own issues. They failed to communicate effectively. One or both lost composure. One said I don't deserve to be treated this way and retreated angrily. And the other said I don't deserve to be treated this way and angrily accepted the retreat.

Neither is happy and now it seems it the business is being thrown away, at least temporarily.

So which party was right? Don't know but I see no reason why it can't be fixed. Suppose bad things do happen and I can't understand or fix them all.

I guess I just sigh and move to a different customer. Wonder what can I do to make amends to my customer for this? What can I do to make amends with my co-workers and boss.

Grown up world is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Weird

I don't know why I must alwAys apologize for being absent from the blog. Why it matters that I spend more time dealing face to face with business associates than with Facebook a long time ago we went to high school friends.

Weird.

New job is nice. It has it's unique headaches and it's refreshing moments. As always it comes down to me and my struggles with ADHD. I finally have medical but no coverage for preexisting conditions like ADHD until the end of September. So some of the guidance I want I cant have because I can't afford to pay 100% cash.

I have more questions than answers today. One of them is why does it take so long to get rid of a cold? Why do employers punish previously convicted people who served their debt to society? I get that you don't want someone who will hurt your business but the reality is that by not allowing people who screwed up move forward we are just forcing them to turn to crime for food and housing. And why do I always need to go number 2 after I pass the last clean restroom?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Contrary to Klout.com

I am still alive.

Ridiculously tired, excited and eager!

I love exclamation points!!!!

So since I have been gone:
I went to NYC for the first time! It was also a family vacation. The kids and my mother, stepfather and stepsisters.
I finally closed on my house! Take that rotten Park on Olive apartments!
I started my new job at Command Center as a Business Development specialist. Turns out if I am given space, time, great support from my staff, wonderful guidance from my boss and a House Manager/nanny I will be quite successful! My job is very cool! I get to explore the city, be my usual inquisitive and curious self. If it looks interesting I can get out of my car and learn all about it. I get to explore new buildings all over town before anyone else! Meet hundreds of new people and learn fascinating things. I am constantly reminded of the book Invisible Cities and the tales of Marco Polo's travels in it. Its absolutely awesome! Who knew you could get paid to be an explorer!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Definitely Maybe

I obviously have a crush on Ryan Reynolds. Even in bad movies he has a certain charm. It must be his eyes.

A romantic movie, also a bit sad. Makes me want to read Jane Eyre again. So many movies, this Jane just happened to be a William.

A movie like this causes me to relish in Hollywood fantasy of fairy tale endings. You know that wonderful man, perfectly charming, ambitious, thoughtful and you live happily in your well decorated home with your perfect children. Ah and let's not forget never a care or worry about money, employment or dirty carpets.

Back to trying to create my fantasy reality.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Whaaaa, pity parade

A bit bored and incredibly frustrated. Whoa is me. Pity party today. Don't know why that just put a big smile on my face.

My little Nick is sick again. He has a fever and cough. I am thinking about taking him to urgent care this afternoon. In between work, my doctors appointment, and my Committee meeting with Pack 293. It makes me feel guilty that I have things to do for me but very little time for him.

My baby says he is sick, I think he is just jealous because Nick is getting my attention.

I feel guilty about not writing for my blog. It just feels wrong to focus on finding a job when I am employed. It feels wrong to prepare and organize for a whole year of Cub Scouts Committee meetings. It feels so weird to do things that make me feel good about who I am and it causes a bit of guilt. I know the kids are having a hard time adjusting to my grueling schedule of exersizing, packing a lunch, Working, commuting, applying for different jobs, interviewing once or twice a week. They are accustom to Mommy playing and taking them the places. I gotta admit I miss the playing a lot.

So I guess it is mostly some crazy super mom complex that I am suffering from. I suppose most moms suffer from this from time to time. Then their is the ADHD portion of me that just can't be satisfied with what I have accomplished or finish an uninteresting task. If every moment is not jam packed with some crazy to-do list I feel useless and unfulfilled.

It's that crazy drive that is make me insane at work. I find myself incapable of just doing my job, just dialing and booking windshield appointments. I find myself needing to fill the time in between dials as the phone rings. I have filled it by researching cost, looking at job listings, re-writing a resume, typing this blog and generally not sitting still. What have I learned since taking this job? That I need some job that is either physically or mentally demanding. I simply can't deal with an easy job, I need constant challenge and stimulation. Yes, it's simply crazy, I need difficult work. Worse it has nothing to do with pay or commuting distance, it's simply I can't stand being bored.

On another subject for my pity parade; the house is almost ours, mine. Another smile on my face. Hoping to hear about the second mortgage soon so we can finalize it all. I have a ton of fears on this, like will we qualify for the better VA home loan? Will we have enough cash to get into the other Vha loan if we don't get the Va loan? Will the bank approve the second home loan? What do I do once we get the house? What about furniture? How will Nick handle this?

And then why can't I master Spanish? I already figured out that I can not practice Spanish tapes in the car, I nearly rear-ended 2 cars in traffic! Oh right, I never get time alone to practice, and I am too self conscience to practice it out loud when the kids are awake, and to tired by the time they go to sleep. I know just get over it and do it in front of the kids! I just feel weird about it, like who your kid walks in while your getting it on.

So I guess I need to clean all he shit up since the parade is over. Thanks for not judging.



Friday, April 27, 2012

Just an unpopular thought

So i was busy surfing the top news on digg.com and found this article about how sarah palin supports ending child labor laws. To be absolutely fair she was referring to the proposed expansion of the child labor laws that would prevent children from working on the family farm. She is not refering to children being allowed to work at your local mc donalds sereving up french fries. I must admit i support here thoughts that children should be allowed to work on a family farm. I also support the idea that children should be allowed to work on farms not owned by their family. I know the reality of how our fruits and vegetables get to our table. It is from the hands of babes we get our food and these children are boyth legal and illegal citizens. Yes they are often very poor and this is their chance to eat. Of course every selfish american could just make sure their neighbors are fed and housed.

You can view the article and existing comments at http://digg.com/news/offbeat/sarah_palin_claims_child_labor_laws_are_causing_america_to_fail

Monday, April 23, 2012

Did I mention

I am impatient! Waiting is so fustrating! I just don't understand people who don't respond in 24 hours or less. Okay, I know. But when I write to you as a customer I expect a 24 hour turn around. That is how business is done in this instant gratification society.

So please respond when I am giving you what little money I have ASAP.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

presto, its all done, and not started yet

So the pile of papers turned into a rejection letter.  Bummer, but not surprised.  Unfortunately, Social Services steps require one to apply even when they don't think they need it or even want it.  I admit it would have been nice to have a bit of extra income.

Since then, I found a job.  An awful one at that!  I am still waiting for the temp agency to let me know when the position at the better paying job starts.  I wonder if I am being strung along for this silly job that has not started.  I postponed my commission with the other Insurance Company because it really doesn't make sense to have it yet.

I am intensely worried about the purchase of our home.  I wonder if having a job will actually qualify us for the better VA home loan or if this is just a fools chase.  I know that short sales take a long time to process, and the closer we get to the end of the school year, the more worried I get.  I want that house.  I think it is the right place to go.  But if it doesn't happen soon I think our down payment and closing cost will be gone.

The last two weeks has been spent feverishly seeking jobs, I have no interest in keeping longer than this summer, and thinking about what it is I do want.  I have learned sitting at a desk staring at a computer hour after hour is not something I want.  Neither is telemarketing of any kind, at least not if that is the only task.  I want to see people.  I like face time.  I also want to be involved in my community.  I am enjoying Cub Scouts and think it is not all that bad of a gig, even if it does not pay cash.  It is analytical, involves face time, involves multiple locations and changing activities, has lots of research and creative thinking.  It is all around a great job, it just does not pay.  So I need to re-write my resume.  My resume just does not show what I can do, or how much I love doing it!

I have also spent the last week chasing around children covered in Pink Eye germs.  It is quite gross!  First one then the other eye, then the next child gets it.  I have no idea what is for dinner, the kids are at the pool with Dad and I want to take another nap!

It is Daddy's birthday this weekend, so wish me luck.  Hoping the nice mortgage lady tells me what I want to hear this week, and that I finally get word on the better paying gig, or get a new better gig all around!  Of course My dirty brain has been crusing the links on Craigslist.org thinking well I could do that.  Yeah, I know I won't not because I value myself that much, but because if I did I don't think I would be welcome in the Cub Scouts as a Chair Person/Leader.  Just dirty minds thinking how much fun it might have been to be young, stupid and in great physical shape.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A pile of papers...

So what else have you done this week?  Oh, I am glad you asked.  I have been crazy busy!  Mostly doing the thing everyone likes least; dealing with Social Services.  I absolutely hate this process!  It is quite demeaning and absolutely time consuming.

The quest for assistance continues.  Last month, March 2012, I and my children were dropped from the Arizona Medicaid Program twice!  It was upsetting, frustrating.  Plagued by trying to do the right thing, we were dropped for failure to provide proof of income.  Why?  Oh it went to the wrong address and was delayed!  So we didn't recieve notifcation that additional information was needed until after Medicaid had dropped us.  Many phone calls, okay just 2, but it was well over 2.5hours on the phone with an actual person!  I can't tell you how long I spent on hold....  So thinking everything is fixed and good to go.  I went about my family business and searched for a job. 

Then I learned it was again dropped and that they said since I had quit working voluntarily I and my children were to remain ineligible for 1 year!  Absolute craziness!!!!!!!!  Yes, I admit I stopped going to work, but only because I could not afford to FEED my three children and pay for CHILD CARE for one child.   I was forced to make a choice, between maintaining my families status on the food Stamp program so we could eat, or leaving my 2 year old unattended, so I could go to work!  This was the choice I was faced with because Arizona cut all funding to the Child Care Subsidy program in 2008 to balance the budget and I was not making an adequate commission from Aflac.  (Not all my fault, but not all Aflac's fault either.)  Eventually a few supervisors understood what I was trying to explain, and helped me fix the situation, or so I am told.  Currently, we do not have food stamps to buy food, which could be because I misunderstood when we would receive them, or because we were dropped again. 

Onward!  More Social Services fun!  A while back my five year old was on an IEP in the Developmental Preschool, then I was told he was ineligible for his kindergarten year, but if I received a diagnosis he would be reconsidered for an evaluation at school.  Alas, I presented the school with a copy of the Psychiatrist notes and requested he be re-evaluated the second week of school.  Nearly the end of the school year he has not been re-evaluated!  His teacher has begun to express concern about his ability to grip a pencil and scissors properly, aka -motor skills are falling behind!  Unable to move the mountain that is the IEP process at Peoria Unified I have begun pursing the other avenues of assistance.  The Arizona Department of Developmental Disabilities and Social Security Disability Income.  At this point I hope that one of these government agencies will be able to assist me so that he does not fall further behind.  Perhaps one can provide us with ideas on how to improve his motor skills, reading skills and social understanding of the world around him or even provide us with financing to give him Occupational Therapy or Physical Therapy for his motor skills development.  Aggregated, yes.  This process is very time consuming!  If I had a job I am not certain I would be able to peruse any assistance for my son.

The shear amount of paperwork working with all the agencies has created in the last 45 days is appalling.  My poor 3 inch binder has become overwhelmed.  Between my desire to better manage my own ADHD issues and to prevent my son from suffering needlessly when he can learn to work better with his abilities, the folder is exploding.  The problem is all the agencies want a copy of what the other agency has done, what the other physician has stated, ect.  So, I keep copies!  Soon I will have to separate my own paperwork from the families, and possibly his from the families, just so I don't end up with back problems from carrying all the papers with me.

I will likely separate mine from the families later today.  Simply working with the Social Worker at Fresh Start Women's Center, my counselor at Terros, my Vocational Rehabilitation Intake Worker, and my own physicians/psychiatrist is a Martha Steward organizational wet dream.  Thank God, that I am pretty anal retentive, and good at organizing endless streams of paper!

Exasperated.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Secrets, Secrets, secrets

I am not going to tell you my secrets.  Besides you already know most of the secrets anyway.  Its not hard, read the archive.

Back to interviewing for jobs.  I received a job offer today.  I think I accepted.  Not sure about it so I applied at the Sign A Rama on the way home.  Still have to return the call for the Credit Card Processor Company and talk to that lady at the Temp Agency that offered me a position that last 8 months but doesn't have an official start date.  So is it wrong to keep looking?  Even though I have two offers and I have accepted both offers, yet neither starts this week, is it wrong?

Right now it seems like all I really want to do is stuff for the Boy Scouts of America, Pack 293 in Peoria, but finding a job keeps getting in my way.  Just not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do.  I want to write and edit a draft of our Charter, which we don't have!  I want to edit and put together a New Parent Orientation, because I think it is important.  I want to officially declare that I want the Committee Chair Position to our Chartered Organization Representative.  But again, I need to find a job.  Maybe I won't find a job that allows me to be the Committee Chair, or worse one that wants me to not be part of the Cub Scouts.  (I have found several of those.)

What is wrong with the world when they don't want people who are invested in the community?  I don't know.  I will keep applying.  Found four or five more to send resumes to this evening after Cub Scouts.

I should be cooking dinner right now, but I am not, my eight year old is.  I am looking for work, while my toddler runs around with his pants off again!  He is outside trying to make me crazy!  My laundry still needs to be folded and my head hurts.

The house buying is on track. Yet I worry because I want to find a job before the short sale is approved so we can qualify for a VA home loan instead.  I am desperate for a job, but seem to be unable to find work that offers an hourly wage or salary.  I am busy like no one else I know.  I applied for Vocational Rehabilitation for myself and continue to work to get that going.  I applied for social security disability income for my five year old.  I figured it was time that he get the assistance he needed, like physical therapy for his motor skills, but have been told this process will take an agonizing 6-8 months.  Grrr!

Why is it when you are the most desperate for a job, you simply can't find one?  And why is it that you can get a job, but not when you need it?  Why has the world become so politically correct that you can't  tell an interviewer the truth about why you quit a job, or what you are searching for in a company?  Why do we need to keep secret the truth of what motivated an action or motivates us today?  I don't know.  Today, I answered truthfully about why I wanted a job, not just a little bit of the truth but the whole thing.  I was offered the job, yet I am still somehow unsatisfied, because I had to hold back why I quit some previous employers.

In case you are wondering those are not hypothetical questions.  I want to know why sharing the whole truth has become a bad thing to do.  I want to understand why the non-ADHD world is so different from the ADHD world of complete openness, acceptance and compassion. Other questions like Why are so many people following me on Digg?  I haven't posted anything there in months, yet I get new followers everyday.  Weird.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Yum Yum!

So dang hungry lately.   Gained all ten pounds back with one single course of antibiotics and resulting yeast infection.  Ate very few things of nutritional value, or even reasonable portion sizes and the couch now has an indentation from where my ass sat the past 2 weeks. 

Went to Sprouts grocery store and talked to the nutritional supplement lady about how it all went ferociously wrong.  Suggested I start with a simple yeast detox.  Turns out it is mostly eating root plants that kills off yeast.  So on with the onions, garlic, radishes, and what ever other root vegetable I can find.  On the menu tonight is oven roasted boneless country ribs with oven roasted potatoes seasoned with Rachel's Special Seasoning that I found online.  The seasoning taste delicious, just enough spice to balance out the devilish kick.  Think I will also add a cut up onions. 

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I will take any job...

as long as I can either pay for child care or work in the middle of the night, so I don't need to pay for child care. 

This process of seeking work that meets just those two qualifications seems to be ridiculously tedious.  I remember looking for work being easier.  Maybe it was, or maybe I didn't need to work around my own kids and volunteer activities. 

Sorry world, I want more, not more pay, just more.  I believe that all workers should have the ability to cook their own dinner most nights of the week, visit a friend or family member, attend church and volunteer in their community.  I believe these parts of life should be part of every employees balance.  I don't think that the very activities that make us stronger as a society should be sacrificed. 

Everyone complains about urban blight, crime and how all these kids are left to their own devices as their parents are off earning a living, yet no movement exist to actually change it.  Its not more money that families need, its simply a better balance.  I believe that even on a tiny income if a family could balance life with work without sacrificing one for the other society would be a more peaceful and orderly place, jails less crowded and few people would be hungry.  We as a community would be better able to help our neighbors with their basic needs and thus need government less. 


Thursday, March 22, 2012

Another Day, another dollar...

No not earned, spent.  Still no job.  Turns out my Dad didn't remember he was going to help me watch the kids this morning so, I didn't have a sitter for my morning job interview.

Panic!

Pure panic!  I didn't know what to do.  I asked my neighbor Helen, but she had a doctors appointment.  My normal last minute sitter didn't answer her phone.  No one left to call, but my little bro who now works nights.  I know he appreciated the call 2 hours after he had gone to bed for the day!  I had no choice... Of course I could have left 3 kids completely unattended in a strange parking lot while I went to the interview....

Thanks Little Bro!  It helped a lot even if I didn't get that job, yet.  But I just might work on getting that job for next year.  Sounds good, damn bankruptcy keeps me from accepting the job today!!!!!!  Pay is was above average, and the interview went great until he said I had to be clear of a bankruptcy 3 years and one whole day.  Damn!  That is not happening until March 2nd, 2013.  Assuming the Mayans were wrong.


Onward again, this time I went to the maid service, but lack of child care made me rely on my Mom and Step Dad, who were tired, so I didn't get to interview today.   Must return tomorrow, but my car is in the shop for scheduled maintenance.    GRRRRR!

Texted my husband for his truck,  he got sassy.  Not helpful as I was in the potential maid services office trying to schedule my follow up interview.  Somehow, I will get to that follow up appointment, even if I need to rent a car or walk all the way there.


Hoping for a dollar earned tomorrow. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Onward!

So this week I applied for a job.  Hey where is that green journal I got from the Fresh Start Center?  Oh, there it is: Keel's Simple Diary. Oh hey this thing looks fun.  Lets try it!

Date:

Your day was (only choose one)

( )a party.  ( ) a U-turn.  ( x)a smarty.  

I think it was a smarty because I realized I did not get that job I wanted at Volkswagen because I am totally random and can't explain why I quit University of Phoenix without making myself look like an immature, unreliable jack-ass.  At least I can recognize that so today was a Smarty!

Feeling at Home:
1.  Opening an organized, odorless refrigerator filled with everything you like.
2. A mess of your own making, reassuring diversions to keep you busy and engaged in every corner.
3. The same person or animal that sometimes makes you want to leave your home. 
     If its not there, there is nothing to find out.
Are you at peace with your hair? (x )yes     (  )no   
With respect to your generosity:
a) no comment     b) some take advantage    c) fifty-fifty 
So yeah, I can't make myself stop sharing things that make me look like a total idiot.  Its whats keeping me from getting any job, let alone cool one like selling my beloved Volkswagen's!




Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Oh, I miss you....

Oh I have missed this so much.  The number of times I wanted to sit down and tell you my rambling thoughts.  I seriously need to write.  I just got so distracted.  I admit lost in thought has happened more lately than it should...

Life is just so loud right now I have a hard time concentrating on any one topic for more than a few seconds.  Which leads to thousands of small snowballs and the giant avalanche you are about to read.

So somehow my husband moved back in.  No he is not a ninja that snuck in during the night!  It happened without discussion.  It just happened.  Angry?  Yes.  Confused?  Of Course!  Happy?  I don't know.  It just happened.  One night he stayed and the next he stayed.  And then he just stopped staying at my moms.  Weird.

Onward to the weirder still.  I still want to buy a house.  So we have been working on that for the last 20 days.  We stopped at an open house and found a realtor and a mortgage broker.  I like my realtor, she is easy to work with and does what she says she is going to do.  There was this house I wanted but by the time we were pre-qualified for a home loan the house was gone.  Sad.  It was a good house.  Then we found another house that was listed in our tiny price range and we liked it, but it also was gone before we had a chance.  So we tried again and settled on a house that was near where we wanted to be that was in our price range.  We bid and no one was interested.  Then suddenly there were multiple bids on that house.  Grrr!!!!!!   And then, that house I had been eying since mid December was suddenly available again!!!!   Hooray!  So far so good.  It is a short sale so it could be a long time before its all done.

I continue to seek out services from the Fresh Start Women's center.  I am beginning to think there simply is not enough time to do what I want to do, need to do and what I already started!   I enjoyed my journaling class from about 6 weeks ago.  It was fun and enlightening.  I just wish I had made some time to actually continue what I was doing at that time.  Its important! Writing is fun!  And, and, and, and, I think it helps me slow down the thoughts running through my head.  I also have started working with the social worker there.

My head hurts because of the shear number of things happening right now.  Like the Boy Scouts Scout O Rama Fundraiser is now in full swing.  Its crazy busy followed by mind numbing dullness.  I've never been one for sitting still.  Siting in front of the grocery story selling tickets with my little Scout is grueling.  I am glad I don't have a girl scout.  I don't think I could sell cookies day after day in the cold. The Scout-O-Rama Ticket sales are going well.  My son is selling his tickets and seems to be having fun.  So I will let him keep selling tickets.  I just wish I didn't have to rely on my family to babysit the younger two.

Started going to food banks.  Yes I said that.  Yes I even said I was buying a house! Of course it makes perfect sense.  Yes it does, let me explain.  Rent is 800 right now, plus water and utilities.  Its crazy but as I look around town, everything rentable is going higher, and my rent is likely to go up again in August when my lease expires.  So home ownership.  Well if you look carefully and find a smoking hot deal on a diamond in the rough you can pay around $450 a month plus the same utilities.  So yes, I think buying a house makes more sense than renting.  Not to mention the busting at the seems issues.

I also started participating in a Food Co-Op that provides fruits and veggies at incredible prices.  Fresh Fruits and veggies grown locally!  Many organically too!  Drawback:  you don't know what your getting.  Like I thought those bananas were taking a long, long time to turn green, but it turns out they were plantains!  Silly!  I should have know, but I have just been so tired.

Trying to find a job.  A few interviews, but I think I say too much of the wrong things when I talk.  Bummer, some of the jobs I have been excited about.  

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Taboo

Taboo

I was left wondering what is so taboo about sharing your life after I stopped laughing at the silly bickering left in the comments.

Why is it not okay to share? I know some will say you need to keep your problems to yourself, it's not our business. I must disagree.

Here's why. Not sharing is how critical mass was reached in my marriage. Now I am not looking for a meddling mother in law. But when people keep their worries and joys to themselves they ultimately suffer and do does the community at large.

See there is someone out there that is going to read these blog post and see their own marriage. They might recognize that they need to seek help before they need assistance from the police or find themselves in divorce court. Even more important a friend or family member may realize that your family needs help ending a dysfunctional cycle and help intervene.

So why don't I share good things? Oh I do, it's just right now the amount of bad things are more plentiful.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Kid sick again

It's something I wonder, how many times a year is it normal to have a cold? It seems like my kid is sick every other week. Fever, body aches, sore throat. I wonder about myself as well! In the last 30 days I have been taken down by a cold, stomach bug and strep throat. That doesn't count the number of times I was sick in December or November either. I read some where that University of Arizona did a study on children with ADHD and frequent illness, where when the tonsils and anadiloids were removed 50% of patients actually stopped exhibiting symptoms of ADHD impairment. Just wondering if that is a solution for me or if it would help my 5 year old.

Tried to go to the Jewel Center in downtown Phoenix again. And again I was turned away because the child care center was short staffed. It bugs me because it is such a long drive to get there and they won't let you take any classes until after orientation is completed. After yesterday's visit with the Vocational Rehabilitation counselor I would like to take one of their parenting classes as well as the self esteem class I keep trying to get into. Bummer after a very long drive! Of course if my 5 year old hadn't been sick I might have been able to see if my Aunt was at my Nana's house to watch the baby. I simply can't visit my Nana with a sick kid, she has become far to frail for it. So I will need to try another day or week to get this orientation finished.

So a friend of my husband has become annoyed with the airing of the dirty laundry. I told her it was fine If she unfriend me as she had to do what was best for her mental health. She reports he post things on his Facebook page about my blog, arguments ect. That's fine by me, I don't read his Facebook page. I never actually did even when he was a friend of mine on Facebook page. I have heard enough from the media about how reading your spouses pages are bad for your marriage. Besides I didn't have time when I was busy trying to keep house his way. I do have the time now, but find it better spent studying marriage self help books, career advice, ADHD, and PDD-Nos. I learned yesterday that my five year old is eligible for Social Security Disability Income, which could help me get him into tutoring, motor skills development, or other enrichment program to keep him as close to his peers as possible. I haven't made the call, yet. It is just so overwhelming to think that your 5 year old as eligible for SSDI. So I will work on that tomorrow.

In the mean time I will try and wash the sheets and towels that got dirty when my two year old had explosive diarrhea this afternoon. And hope I can get everyone in the car to drop off my oldest for scouts because my husband promises to pick him up.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Courage and wtf. My mom takes his side?!

Have you ever woke up to the sound of your own sobs?

My pillow was soaked. I don't know how long I had been crying in my sleep. I just find it strange.

I visited my mothers house today. But only because I had too leave my son with her do I could go to my Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. I got an ear lashing! It wasn't t fair and it wasn't right. She was already angry before I got there and had decided I was simply holding a grudge against my estranged husband. I knew after Saturday that she didn't truly understand what has been happening in this house over the years. And today I learned she just doesn't want to believe I can decide that enough had gone wrong. She demanded I just decide right now and get a divorce! Suddenly, she went from you shouldn't get a divorce to I must hurry up and do it right now.

She made excuses for him. She tried to justify bad behavior. She flat out can't accept indecision on my behalf. I got screamed at for having the audacity to ask my husband "why, now?" it's a perfectly fair question when someone tells you they are considering joining he Reserves. Apparently I am not entitled to learn that information about my husbands plans. I say shouldn't a wife know why you want to enlist, why separated service in he first place and why now is a good time to re-enlist? My husband called me a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down via text message. He's angry because I asked the same question the recruiter will ask. Why he immediately decided I was being vindictive is beyond me. Could he not have simply asked why I was so rude or called instead of telling me I was a bitch? Having two against one is not fair!

She didn't care that he should have handled his anger differently. She had no idea what had happened on Saturday. She didn't care that I thought I was given a glimmer of hope when he said he would go to church with his family. She didn't know he didn't like the first marriage advice book I had gotten on the kindle. She didn't know i had gotten him a different book with a very different plan. She just knew I was vindictive because I asked a question after he asked to know my thoughts. She seemed to assume that me asking a question about why now, why not then was me saying he couldn't go back. She didn't care that I was not going to stop him from re-enlisting or not. It is ultimately his choice. I just want to know what every wife and best friend should know when you begin making life altering decisions for your family.

I went to my appointment and feel good for doing so. I feel like I may be able to get real career guidance and positive support. I know that the process is very long. I was there because when I look back over my speckled career path, I can clearly see how ADHD impacted its path. I understand that I had issues that could have been mitigated and that i might be happily employed at one of my previous employers. I hope that the agency can guide me to career stability. Maybe they will be able timely me improve the financial situation of my kids. I also felt that I was supposed to meet the counselor. She has been where I am in my marriage and knows what it takes to say I need to protect my kids from this bad environment and save myself. We talked about God and what I have seen in regards to my husband and God. I told her he doesn't attend church, that in nine years I only remember him going with me once. I know he knows the bible well. A few weeks ago he corrected me when I pronounced a name incorrectly when reading a passage to my oldest son. I know he knows the bible better than I do, afterall he was an alter boy in the catholic church I just don't know anything about why he doesn't want to go or be religious. We talked about some of the more disturbing things that have happened in my house. I was caught a little off guard when she told me that I could go to jail for letting him do those things, not just him. So there is a lot of things that need to be fixed that I wasn't even aware of. I now know that the pastor at CCV was right when he said I should pray for courage. I will need the courage to make sure those bad things are not allowed to happen to me or my kids ever again. Pray for courage to do what God needs done.

It will not be easy. But I will pray for the courage to do it.



I

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Tears wetting my iPad.

Utterly confused.

I don't understand and can't make sense of what just happened. I am in tears again. The message from the church I visited yesterday was to ask for courage from God. I am heart broken tonight and desperately need the courage offered.

Things are tuff. I am doing what I can to maintain. Why is he so angry all the time? Why did he tell me I was a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down? I really don't understand. I tried asking him why he said those things, it just made him very angry. He left the home we once shared in anger. I waited for him to return. Hoping he would find his rational self and explain what he felt when he said those things. It's been over an hour. I don't know where he went. Did he go get a drink? Was he drinking before I asked him over? Why does asking "why" produce such a negative response? Does he not know how it hurts? What happen to the texts from Saturday where he said he would go to church with his family?

I have people in my life telling me all the should haves. They become offended when I say I don't want to worry about the should haves and what ifs. I simply want to work on right now. One of them sent a text demanding me to make a final decision about divorce, etcetera. Really? I thought I was supposed to take my time or trust my heart to know what to do and when to do it?

The new church people didn't make such demands. They didn't think I was nuts or indecisive. They just offered their hearts and prayers that I would do what Gods will was. They understood and I wasn't alone, it was okay to just be me. I suppose my teachers must have hated me, I've always asked why.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Whatever, day nine

Grrr!

Anyway, I enjoyed another day of not being stressed out over whether the floors were sweep, the kitchen cleaned. It's wonderful not to spend the whole day following around kids and picking up every last item. I ended up with lots more energy!

The kids had early out and the two older ones visited Dad for the afternoon. They said they went to the park, the one we took the dogs to a long time ago and went to get Icees at the QT.

It left me wondering... Why didn't he do that before? What was so difficult about taking the kids and doing something not at home? Couldn't he do this every week like I have been asking, requesting and finally demanding for years? Is it that hard to spend time with them or was he simply trying to torched me by never giving me alone time in my own home ( the one he locked me out of a week ago- for revenge he said). All because I need time in the home without kids.

Drives me nuts! He gets time in the house by himself multiple times a week. If he wants to spend it cleaning, so be it. It's his time he can use it how he wants.

And FYI it's not alone time if you are by yourself doing the grocery shopping. That simply doesn't count, unless it's something you love doing, like painting the house. Yes, I would rather paint the house than to go to the grocery store. I would even rather paint your house! I even wanted to start a business painting houses. Besides you only paint a house once every few years! Or every year if your me and love to change colors.

Who really wants to go to the grocery store 75 times a year when everyone complains about what you cook and tells you after the fact what they wanted, even though you asked before, by a full 24 hours!??! Drives me nuts! I hate that place, the ugly florescent lighting makes me ill.

On the bright side of the grocery store I watched a boy, must have been about 22, check me out, and than return to do it a second and third time. Made me feel hot!

Let me hear it ladies!

Nothing makes you feel better than when a guy does a double take even when it's the father of your kids.

Wish there was more of that in my home.

And now the kid thAt hasn't peed in the bed in over a week, just peed on my bed! Anyone have stock in Tide?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Day eight!!!

I awoke today feeling great! The alarms went off and I didn't go back to sleep. I woke the kids and they did what I have been dreaming they would for years! They just did the things they were supposed to and when they got off track only a gentle nudge. They seem less on edge and more willing to do those chores. Perhaps it's due to the realistic expectations of what hey can do. They aren't perfect and they didn't get demeaned for not completing tasks with military precision. So the things just got done.

Big smile.

The sudden understanding of Julia Roberts' character in Sleeping with the Enemy when she finally feels free from her abuser. It's a surreal feeling to be able to be yourself. No fear or anxiety No overwhelming need to do things for someone else their way on their time table. It's bizarre when you realize you don't need to make the bed right away or panic when the kids spill some cereal on the counter. Or to be able to dance without some one looking down on you or telling you, you can't dance. How weird to be freed. The things that have become habits out of fear and avoidance are slushing off. It is that sexy liberating feeling you imagine in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts' character receives her prince charming in her crappy apartment.

It's just great!

Oh, and the chores are so much easier and quicker to finish!

Day seven...

I had an insatiable appetite today. I wonder if that is a side effect of strong antibiotics or general stress from the situation. It was a long day but it seemed short due to the ridiculously long wandering afternoon of my baby, who was all too happy to break in his baby leash. Its quite funny to see a baby on a leash, but it has become necessary! I can't explain how terrifying it is to realize your baby has wandered away. I don't know why I didn't get one sooner! Probably because I think their ludicrous.

So it was Tuesday night. A cub scouts night. What a difference it was. Some things are hard to explain and incomprehensible to those that have never experienced it. I made spaghetti as its kinda customary to have on
Such a busy night. The kids ate. There was less arguing, and those that did happen, we're easier to curb. The kids played and followed directions, we did not need to rush! We arrived on time and the kids had fun. We returned home with lots to do: bathe, eat dessert, wash more laundry, pick up toys, take out garbage, get pj's on, read a story and go to bed. It was different this time.

First we did not rush to clean up the house before we left. We just were not concerned about how Dad would react to the small mess. It made going toScouts less stressful. When we returned we weren't hurting to clean because Dad was coming home. We just did things as we could. When it was time to clean up their bedroom, no one panicked. No one cried about there being too much to do. No one was stressed and they all worked together. Most amazingly was how quick it was picked up!!!!

It was the first time I was conscience of just how much anxiety was in the house do tony husband's unpredictable moods. It's different to experience peace when war has been all you have known for years.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Days five and six...

On day five he asked to see the kids. I ate an entire bag of circus peanuts and pulled all the weeds from my step fathers front lawn by hand while they were gone for the afternoon. The hardest part of the visit had been getting our five year old to go, as he insisted Dad had locked him out of the house.

My mother made chop suey and egg rolls. My stomach didn't know what to do with real food, the curry made my tummy warm and fussy.

He texted me that the kids were done eating, so I went to get them. That's ere he told me he didn't want a divorce and he doesn't like my blog. I than explained that me writing on my public journal is not any different than me going to a coffee house and talking to a gaggle of my cousins and friends. He didn't seem to understand that the thing he dislikes most about the blog happens everyone a spouse goes and tells their family about the other.

He also didn't seem to understand that the biggest problem he has right now is the fear he has created in me and our kids. It the main reason the trust has been broken and he reason I gave for he needing to leave the house and not live with me right now. The examples given had been said before and just as before he claimed I had never told him those things. It's incredibly frustrating to hear you never said that before. It incredibly frustrating to hear I will go to counseling, when the promise has been empty for so long.

It's really hard to deal with the excuses of why he hasn't gone. It's hard to understand why anyone would think it would be different, especially my mother. I believe she doesn't understand how things can look so good from the outside and be bad underneath.

On day six he text me requesting the sleeping bag from my step fathers shed. It set up a nearly impossible task with the time table of 40 minutes. He asked at 645 am. The big problem was the camping gear is buried. He should have known that, but I guess it just slipped his mind. After getting he kids up and out of bed, I emptied out the shed. It took me about 35 minutes to get out the camping gear, barely making it out in time for him and the kids to go to school.

He officially vacated the apartment so kids and I can stop sleeping on he floor. We returned home and I put back all their clothing. Unbelievably exhausted I went to sleep with the kids after reading the story

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Day four....

Today was a whirlwind! My baby is still sick, though the fever seems to be breaking. He hasn't been more than 100 all day! When this kid gets sick; he really gets sick. He took two naps today! Yeah me I got to shower and wash a load of laundry!

I checked the bank balance, and just as one would suspect the bank account is broke. A tiny bummer because my oldest wanted to buy a toy for his friends birthday party. :(. I took the two older boys to the party where they jumped and jumped to their hearts delight! It was a family style birthday, the kind that reminded me of my dysfunctional cousins from back when we lives on the south aide of town. If you've got no clue what I am talking about imagine this: a bouncey house in the front, music blasting in English and Spanish, baroque grilling, rented tables and chairs lining the front driveway And all the neighborhood kids running around.
My kids enjoyed themselves, had fun with the piƱata and ate ice cream cake till they got ice creAm headaches! Being a south side family type party I came home with two burgers with all the toppings, four hot dogs, extra cake, a bag of juicy and ripe oranges, and half a dozen juice boxes. I forgot to mention the pound of candy!

I browsed the residential streets of Peoria. I tell my kids it treasure hunting. I drive around looking for something good in the stuff that wealthier people throw out on bulk trash collection. Last year I found a nice tv stand that is being used to hold all the other equipment in the living room. I didn't find anything today. :(

Positive note my klout score increased this weekend. If you don't know about klout.com you might want to try them out. It's a way to see how influential you are online. It is actually interesting to learn what make them go up and what has no effect.

I know what your wondering...Did she go home? What happened since yesterday? Not much interaction. But ha has placed a rebuttal in the comments to my last few days of post. Just as before I have made the decision to leave the comments unedited. They are there for all to read if you'd like. Other than that there was no actual progress or any set backs for the day.

I did spend sometime taking some of those Cosmo type quizzes about should you get a divorce, Lack of surprise they all said I should except for the quiz on Dr. Phil. As far as I can tell only one or two percent of the divorced would meet Dr. Phil's standard to get a divorce. So he either thinks nearly all relationships can be saved or thinks most people are far more mature and level headed than we are.

Day three...

Exhausted last night. My two year old is still feverish. I called the urgent care clinic back because he had developed a bad cough and they requested I bring him back.

I didn't have a car or a stroller. I considered walking the mile and buying a stroller after the appointment at the nearby Target and taking a cab. Both seemed like poor options. I sent a text message to my estranged husband asking to bring me the Car. Seeing as how he hadn't responded to the previous text about the kids being ill I didn't hold out much hope. I prepared to walk.

Surprise! He text back saying he would be over in five. He arrived.

The next five minutes were the most awkward in all the history of our marriage. Absolute silence and the longest red light of my life; longer than any red light on Grand Ave as a train passes by.

Long end to the story I got the keys and the car back! I took my baby back to the urgent care where I was instructed to keep giving the antibiotics and add a cortisteroid and over counter cough syrup. My five year old went to school for the first time this week, Friday. And my eight year old added coughing to his cold.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Day two...

Another day. I am quite convinced this seperation will end in divorce. I have accepted what my conselors, family and friends have know for years, that my husband is an abuser. No I don't have physical bruises, but I have the kind you can't see....

He remains in his rage mode. He did not go to school or work today. I am certain he did this because he was afraid I would steal my own car.

Because he did not leave the house today I was forced to get a police escort into my own home so I could get a few more clothes for my kids. When we arrived it was obvious that he had just been smoking Mary Jane, but the officer didn't arrest him. He still refuses to hand over the car keys. He actually removed the keys from my key ring just so I couldn't have them.

The kids are doing well. Perhaps they feel safe here at my mothers house. We don't have beds here. The kids are sleeping on an air mattress and still enjoying it, for now.

They are safely tucked in bed. I am sticking as closely to our routine as I can. I kept the promise to take them to Peter Piper Pizza for the school fundraiser. My mother drove us. I believe she is petrified he could do something unpredictable. We will be changing the locks and garage codes.

Strangely I am calmer than i was when staying with him. Weird feeling being at peace. Not worried I didn't do it good enough. Not worried I forgot to take the trash out, sweep the floor, hang clean towels in the bathroom or the mess the kids made in their room.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Day one

Today I said the D-word. I believe I am at the end of my marriage as there seems to be no hope my husband plans on improving the situation or even admitting he has a role in this drama.

I am and have always been open. I've alway blurted what was rambling along in my head so I will continue to write this blog.

I tried to retrieve my house keys and my car but failed. I succeeded in recovering my kids and a few days clothes. I told him I want him out and that I wAnt a divorce. He is still in an uncontrolled rage. I took my phone when I took the kids.

My kids were sick. My five year old continued to have a cough with a mild fever and my two year old had broken out with a rash over night with his continued fever. As soon as I saw the rash I took all the kids to urgent care. Turns out the five year olds cough turned into bronchitis and that the two year old hAs Scarlett fever. I have strep throat and my eight year old has a cold developing.

I sent my husband a text but did not receive a response.

I've returned to my mothers house. The kids told me about how angry their dad was. He said irrational things to them and did not read them a bedtime story like he usually does.

Exhausted after the two trips to the old Cvs for Tylenol and antibiotics. My kids are enjoying sleeping on the air mattress, but I know soon they will be asking when we can go home.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Happy Birthday.... Should you call the cops?!!

Well I am starting to think my birthday is just a bad day.  Last year my car had been broken into.  That should be one of the earliest post on this blog.  It sucked.  I spent the day calling banks, notifying all kinds of people and dealing with the Police.  This year also sucked, only much worse!

Instead of having a birthday party, which no one offered to throw for me.  I spent the day caring for two sick kids.  Yeah, I know it sucks to spend the day at home with a pukey kid, let alone two.  Both kids started the day with fevers, and christening me in their vomit.  I changed my clothes 4 times due to the festivities and bathed twice.  I did 4 loads of bedding covered in bright red vomit.  My fault, I gave my kids red Kool Aid.  Still quite gross. 

So that was bad.  And any normal person would be like that sucks!  Can I please have a do over?!  But the day got much worse.

As I write this posting I am quite confused.  I would say BEFUDDLED if the word didn't seem to be so light-hearted, but alas, I sit before you confused, flaberghasted, appalled and baffled, and befuddled. 

Sick kids is bad.  I started to feel a little sick myself this afternoon, also bad.  But it was a Tuesday, and in my house that means Cub Scouts from 6:30-8:00pm at the local church.  Today was slightly different than our usual, take the kids and supervise them as they learn Boy Things like tying knots, it was a parent meeting.  So that sounds really boring.  And I supposed if I was not an active Committee Member it would be.  I took on the role of Lake Pleasant District Council Scout-O-Rama Chair and Pack 293 Scout-O-Rama Chair, so tonight I had a lot to talk about.  Its big. Its fun.  Its a thing worth doing.  Unfortunately, I'd spent the day caring for sick kids and had forgotten all about the flyers I wanted to make, so in typical ADHD fashion I started making the flyer at 5:45pm when we need to be in the car by 6:10 and on our way.  5:45 is usually when I start getting kids and shoes paired together with anything else like jackets and dues. 

So I made my flyers.  I spoke, parents were not fans of the Assumptive Sales Plans or that volunteering for 4 hour shifts would be a bit different this year.  We talked about the goal of getting 75% of the Scouts to participate in the fundraiser and what participation qualified as.  So, I talked alot and so did some of the other parents that have been the Scout-O-Rama Chair in the past.  Before this started I had texted my husband that I wanted Carolina's for dinner.  No I never sent a message stating what dish I wanted.  The meeting had started and I was not in a position to look down and read text, as I was a presenter. 

I called when the meeting finally finished and asked if he had gotten food.  He said yes, so I went home with 2 sick kids and a very excited Cub Scout who had just learned he would be going to Camp Digalus.  I gathered my things and pushed the kids inside with the expectation of delicious mexican food for me.  Only there was no food for me.  I put my phone down on the dock station in my bedroom, as I do by a forced habit.  (I've lost my phone many times!)  I came out of the room and asked the question any other hungry birthday girl would ask, "Where's my food?"  Was I smiling? No, I was confused and famished.  Was there an air of attitude?  Possibly, but not enough to trigger what happened....

There was an explosion of rage in my house.  Not the first time this has happened, as I have told you in the past my husband has a way of simply exploding with little warning.  Having just walked in the door and still feeling a tad feverish, my eyes got huge like an animal who sees the on comming headlights of a distant car.   He screamed at me, I am sure the neighbors heard.  I yelled back, "What did I do?!!!"  He screamed more about how I didn't respond to his text message!  And how was he supposed to know I didn't eat?!! I attempted to explain what I did at the Cub Scouts Parent Meeting and how I didn't know he sent me a text because I was leading a group.  Then he ranted about how he can't respond to text messages and my phone calls at work!  (Bewildered and hungry I reached for my purse and grabbed my keys)  I said if you needed me to tell you, you should have called.  I started walking outside as He screamed more, and stammered to his food wadded it up and throw uneatten, perfectly good food in to the garbage can as if he was celebrating a game winning touch down.  Floored by the tempertantrum I continued walking out to go get myself my birthday dinner.  He Screamed wildly about how he would go get it for me.  I declined, and Said, "No, I will get my food. "

I made it to the car.  I didn't run.  But perhaps I should have.  I started the car began closing the door, when he swung it back open.  With the engine running, I buckled my seat belt and told him to leave so I could close the door.  Some very unwitty banter happened.  Then he reached across me and yanked the keys out of the ignition.  He ran.  Ran back into the house and locked the door! 

Can you believe that?  I was locked out of my own home, with my kids trapped inside.  I banged on the door, shouted about my cell phone being inside.  He briefly returned to the door to scold me like a child and slam the door again!  Left out in the cold, crying.  Unable to understand what had just happened, cold hungry.  I pleaded to let me in, but nothing.  Just the sound of my sick two year old crying. 

I went to the car, the door still unlocked, looked for a coat.  I stood there, baffled.  Angry, I left.  I began the 1 mile walk to my mothers house.  I didn't have a phone so I could not call anyone for advice.  As I approached the Circle K on the corner I considered asking them to call the Police.  Upset, I continued walking towards my mothers house.  I was one block from her house when she drove up. 

2 hours later, I am still wondering should I call the cops?  Should I go take the kids? What would you do? How do you explain this to 3 frightened kids?

New Years Resolutions....

On the other things I've been thinking about since my last post back in December, or January.  I can't actually remember but I know I wanted to talk about New Years Resolutions. 

Lets start with the obvious

I want to be lighter on the scale and have a smaller pant size.  A long time ago, like the month before I became pregnant with my first kid, I was a size 8.  That is a really good size.  I admit I looked like a Barbie Doll, with my big Dolly Parton Size boobs!  But I worked at a Bikini Bar, so I guess you could say I was really into exercising.  And As for looking like Dolly Parton, that goes back to the first wish I ever made, back in the second grade.  Why an 8 year old wished for Boobs like Dolly Parton, I don't know, perhaps some crazy shrink has an answer, like I spent too much time looking at my Dad's Playboys. 

I want to be more vigilant when it comes to posting updates on my blog.  I like to write on this.  I like it.  It's a little like seeing your name in lights on the Theater Marque.  It's a bit of fun.  It's great for reliving stress.  It's also great for avoiding doing things like moping the floor or putting pants on my two year old.  I guess I am saying I would like to post each week, in my fantasy world I would post everyday, but really who would be reading that?

I also want my finances to make sense.  You know, the check book balances, and you don't overdraw your checking account on a regular basis.  I would also like to have cash in the savings account that is actually for savings and not to pay the overdraft fee.  So maybe I need a budget?  Then again that sounds oh so boring.

I want to earn money in my new career.  My new boss seems to be great.  She is organized or seems to be.  She is understanding and seems to understand my reluctance to jump right in and WIN, to quote Charley Sheen.  She also seems to understand basic math and that things like paying for child care are expensive if you are not generating an income to replace what you used. 

I want to exercise.  Before I got my crazy boss I was doing well.  Not fabulous.  I wasn't loosing 2 pounds a week or anything.  But I was feeling better.  Now, I don't know if it was all the crazy boss or a bit of the winter blues, but I stopped, and now I feel flabby.

I want to be organized.  You know like those people you admire, the ones that are never late and never need to apologize for the Linus like chaos that follows them.  I want to be prepared, I want to know what I need, what I need to do to get it, and who I need help from.  It's weird, I just want to feel like normal people do.  Normal people rarely suffer from deer in headlights syndrome. 

Adult Content:  Dude you know you want this crap.

I want to replace my Vib.  I miss my vib.  It made the kids antics less, frustrating, if only for a minute.  Lets face it I have a short attention span, and spending more than 10 minutes with the Vib or my husband leads to loss of interest.  Or maybe its just wandering interest.  I am certain my husband appreciates that in the middle of it, I am suddenly thinking about the grocery list, or that email, or the clothes that need to be mended.  Or maybe I am just in outer space, I have know idea, its sorta random, ranging from all the chores I didn't do, the kids, the car, the job, the education, my dry lips(both), the dogs, the weird shadow on the ceiling, how itchy the sheets feel, or how I need to change positions again. 

Anyway, why do people make Resolutions?  Aren't they usually forgotten by the end of January?  Is it because they don't have a plan or people to hold them accountable.  Are they even good?

So what are my steps?  Dude, you do know I have ADHD?  And maybe a bit OCD.  Yeah, I get upset when my hairspray is not in its proper place or someone moves the Paprika from the place I last put it.  Yeah, I have ideas.  No I don't have them written out. 

Oh, I also want to write out the house rules.  Ask my why.  Maybe I will write it later.  Just like the steps to finish the New Years Resolutions.....

Monday, January 16, 2012

To buy or not to buy?

It sounds like an easy answer, just buy a house.  Lately, I have been having doubts.  I keep wondering why would buying a house right now be bad?  Should we wait?  Is there good advice on what the best course of action is?  Didn't I read about what the right thing to do is in a book called the Two Income Trap?  I am sure I did.  I just don't know.  Worse, my husband is willing to go any way I suggest without letting me know if he has concerns...  He hasn't even been blown away by listing from the Internet either. 

Oh, no my grumpy, fat, neighbor is not dead.  I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part. 

So I have looked and guessed based on information on the Internet about how much we could afford and if we would qualify.  The answers are we will qualify, but not until March 11, 2012-exactly 2 years and 1 day since our Chapter 7 Bankruptcy was finalized, and maybe as much as $100,000 for a home loan. I know we can qualify.  I know we need to wait about 60 days from today.  I know that homes with 3 or 4 bedrooms exist in my current neighborhood for less than $100K, but not in my kids school boundaries!  I know that this neighborhood lacks bus transportation, and is far from all my friends, and the majority of my dysfunctional extended family.  I also know that the location is close to entertainment, dinning, and of course the freeway. 

What I don't know is if this is a good thing to do right now.  Should we wait another year?  Should we pay off all the credit card debt with our tax refund instead of using it as a down payment on a home?  If we pay off all the outstanding Credit Card Debt and the $5,000 I owe to University of Phoenix, I can go back to school.  And maybe finish my degree this time around.  But we would not have a house.  We would be stuck in the same 900SQFT apartment that we are outgrowing!  I have no space for an office, or quiet space to run and hide to when I have a bad day.  Now if you think the loo is a good quiet place you obviously do not have little kids!  Worse we have all three boys in the same bedroom. 

The same 3 boys that were spoiled last month for Christmas have little space to play on the floor.  As a result we find them playing in the living room, the kitchen, Mom and Dad's room, the bathrooms, the walk-in closets and outside on the patio.  Their room is difficult to keep clean, mostly because everything needs a place and many times those things are sharing overcrowded shelves.  They have too many clothes. 

My husband has his desk in our Bedroom, which also triples as the workout room, sewing room, storage shed, and pantry for all those water bottles and juice boxes the kids drink.  Our storage closet outside, barely holds our Christmas tree and decorations.  Each of our bedrooms have a walk-in closet, and they are stuffed with extra things that would normally go in a garage or storage shed for long term storage. 

 I'd bet your saying...Doesn't she claim to be poor?  How on Earth can she be talking about buying a house when she has been to the food bank twice in the last 2 months?  How can someone who is on Medicaid be buying a house?  The truth is the bank account is still empty, were still on Medicaid for health insurance and still can't buy all the things the kids got for Christmas.  But I am expecting a large enough tax return that I could either pay off all the debts we now have or use it as a 10-20% down payment on a low cost house.  FYI the houses I have been looking at are listed at 50-80K. Also I am trying to work, though that seems to be extremely part-time right now.  


As you can see there are many reasons to move to a bigger location, and possibly a home of our own.  But what are the reasons this is a bad time or bad idea?  What does Dave Ramsey suggest?  Things I haven't mentioned is that is the number one thing on my wish list, the number two thing is the Neat Receipts scanner. 

And just when things seem to be going well.  A kid falls of the counter and lands face first... Though not the one you would have thought, it was the 8 year old.