Friday, October 30, 2015

Adventures in Marketing

Well if you haven't followed me, and well who has?  I don't post very often.  I have ADHD afterall!  That's a different topic for another blog post.

I work in Marketing.  I spend my days evaluating and criticizing ads on Facebook and Instagram.  I get paid to spend 8 hours a day on Facebook 5 days a week.  Cool right?  I can't tell you how I got a job with Facebook because even to me that is a mystery.  No fancy degree here.  No prestigious Agency experience.

Back to the subject!  I decided I was finally going to relent to all the customer request to just work for them.  And I start my own digital media firm.  It's a side gig.  It's a lot like a side chick,
but instead of spending money I make money instead of spending it.  Yes, make money instead of spending it.  Also called, hey remember that website you started working on a year ago?????  Oh, that thing.  Well now is the time to do something with it!!!!

Turns out I am great with starting a project.  But what happens when you start your own business at the same time as you are learning a new role at your day job, while starting all that book-keeping, web designing, email marketing, social mediaing, ad creation, client consulting stuff?  Don't forget all that other stuff like being a mom, a student, a volunteer, sole income, taxi and single/horny woman.

Well, if you have ADHD, you probably don't have a clue what happens. But if you don't you already know how this story is going to end.  Then again I may end up surprising us all.........

Monday, September 21, 2015

Generalized and Social Anxiety and the benefit of being an Introvert

Photo Credit Instagram @ajnickmom

Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety Disorder

Both are common co-morbid disorder in ADHD.  It's a weird combination ADHD and any anxiety.  It's weird because we have a tendency to get lost in the moment which could result in us saying something that offends someone, or at least we think it does.  And then it keeps us up with overwhelming worry or causes us to avoid people and situations because we some how messed it all up. 

My job is like that.  I'd like to hide. Hide away from the social interactions that make me feel so awkward.  Make me feel like I am being judged.  Make me feel paranoid.  What did I do?  Do they not like me?  Did I offend them?  Is that topic too taboo for work, for other Moms, for Cub Scouts, for PTO, for the cashier at Michael's? Why Do I always miss the social ques that others seem to get?  

Did I wear too much make-up?  Is this top too revealing?  I am I too fat?  Is this lip color to bold for work?  Is there such a thing?  Questions like this plague a mind that lives with Anxiety.  

ADHD makes me loud at the wrong moments.  ADHD leaves my words unfiltered. ADHD gives me wings.  ADHD lets me be creative.  ADHD means I can see the world in ways the "normal people" can't.  ADHD means I can't follow you conventions.  A demand to sit still, just doesn't work on me. ADHD means I can, and will get lost in thoughts, the moment, the project.  It means I can hyper-focus on that thing that is driving you mad in attempts to get my focus on whatever thing that was I should be doing.  ADHD means I have short-term memory issues, that wrong you did to me, I probably forgot.  Oh you owe me $5.00, when did I give you that?  Yesterday?  Oh, okay, thanks.  

Then Anxiety comes back and I fell like you are judging me for forgetting...  I feel like a cactus full of thorns when I interact with you.  I want to run and hide.  But like the cactus photographed here, I am in the spotlight for all to criticize.  

Friday, September 18, 2015

Explore in Single Life

So its been a few weeks... or months since the divorce was final.  I finished all the adult things I could stomach.  Get child support.  Refinance the house.  Change the title to the car.

Boo.  That's as far as I could go.  I still need to go to the DMV and SS office to change my name.  8 months and counting since the divorce.

So now I am venturing into dating.  Where to go.  I never dated before.  Where is one supposed to go?  How does one find a safe person.  And why the hell do I get so many dick pics.  Is that supposed to turn me on? Really I just end up sending that to the freaking trash can.  I don't want to see a dick pic.

Gee thanks Craigslist, Tinder, KIK and Facebook Messenger for all the awful pics.

I think I'd rather be a lesbian.  At least boobs are pretty.

Sunday, May 17, 2015


The word wife is a noun.  

A noun is a thing.

A thing belongs to someone, it is owned.

A wife is an owned thing.  

The word husband is an adjective.  

An adjective describes what a noun's action is. 

A man "manages" a wife. 

Again, wife is a noun. 

A noun is a thing. 

I've spent the last few years... a little more than a decade, hidden behind wife.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Love the Way you Lie

Eminem has been my best friend for a month. The man puts a smile on my face.  He reminds me that I used to be a fun and colorful person.

The man makes me cry uncontrollably. The lyrics to his work are painful. They let me feel what I have had to hide for my own safety.  I spent years hiding the pain of a loveless marriage from my co-workers, friends, and family. It's truly amazing my cracks didn't show.

They did show.

I'd spent years in a loveless, abusive marriage.  So bad that my friends knew not to come around when he was.  The marriage went on so long my friends eventually stopped showing up at all. It happens.  Ask any other victim.  The just can't handle that leaving isn't simple.  They can't deal with you not taking the advice and leaving right now. After all they would leave that kinda relationship, they'd just go.  But they don't understand, shelters are full, you can't take 3 kids and stay on a couch indefinitely or that your family has religious ideas about marriage and won't accept he's bad.

Self-esteem hits all time lows.
I began to believe I deserved it. I convinced myself if I'd just suck his dick like he wants it'll stop.  It didn't.  He lied.  I stopped school cause he didn't want me in it.  I ate to relieve the pain.  I gained weight, he hated me more.  Called me fat. I ate more. Vicious cycle.

Even lost a job because of the marriage.  My employer could see the escalation from emotional and psychological to physical abuse was near.  I left with the kids.  But I was jobless and car less.  I caved, he said he was sorry, there wouldn't be a next time.  He lied.

He spent money.  Money we didn't have.  We were always broke.  The thought that he spent all the money intentionally so I couldn't leave haunts me.

The fear that every time he takes the kids it will be the last time I see them alive is real.  He hasn't paid child support yet. So I guess they are safe until then.

I fear that the temper I protected the kids from while we were married will be used on them when he finally has to contribute.  I can't jump in and take the hit for them, the court won't protect them until he beats them.  That fear tortures me at night.

I know he doesn't love me. Love is blind.  Love the way you lie.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Covered in lint

Well I am.  I have a nice new shirt.  I have 3 dogs and 3 cats.  I can't find a fucking lint roller because my 5-year-old thinks it's a toy.

No one wants to be around me because I am angry.  No one wants to allow me some time to be angry.  I just finished my divorce.  I was married to a guy that never wanted to be with me.  He seems to have married me because "it was the right thing to do".  It never was, I wanted a partner, someone to lift me up, not put me down.  I should be angry for not getting a divorce sooner.

Why can't I be angry?

It's not like he has lived up to his end of the divorce. He's not paying child support. I am angry about that!  The 'system' that is supposed to ensure the children are financially cared for is broken.  I am angry that I can't just give the contact information to the court to have them notify his employer.  It fucking sucks!  I know where he works.  I know the address. But he wants to skip out on it and there is nothing I can do that will make the 'system' work.

NO, money to hire a lawyer to handle it for me.

NO one to help me hold the tears in when I have to tell the kids, no we can't get that.  Sorry kids we can't afford desert after Scouts tonight.  How is that fair or right when he is taking a vacation?  No he's not taking the kids.

And I look at my shirt and cry because it's covered in lint. Trapped.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Now What?

Sit. Listen.

Today I was contact by the man who got married with me and my ex-husband.  My wedding day was a tandem wedding at a courthouse. It wasn't planned that way, his girlfriend was just a bit jealous that I was getting married.

 This man has never reached out to me.  We are not friends. Other than that "Facebook Friend".  I have hundreds of those.

 I wonder if he even knows why I got divorced?

Message:  Hello Pamela! I was wondering if you could help me out?  I'm trying to get some passport stuff taken care of, and part of the application process is that I provide my marriage certificate for me and XXXXXXX.  The problem is, I can't remember what day XXXXXXX and I got married, so I can't look up and request our certificate... But I did remember that we were at the courthouse on the same day (I hope this is not a touchy subject for you...).  So, what day did all of us go to the courthouse? (I'm really sorry if this is a sensitive topic...)
Would he believe me or is he like all the others that didn't believe me years ago? Leaving me abandoned.

If I told him that friend he had back then was not the man that I spent the last years in awkward silence with, would I understand?

Would he?  Should he be told?

Or is he Marine? Marines don't have mental health issues, they don't get PTSD.  Yeah, if you didn't know that you were never part of the Marine Family. 

If I sent him the photo from our wedding day and told the story of how I became a wife, would he see that marriage was a recipe for disaster?  The photo was taken by his own wife. It's moments after we said "I do".  I guess a picture is worth a thousand words.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

bitter hatred

Overwhelming anxiety.

Finally divorced.  Should be fucking glad.  Still stuck in stupid shit because of a home re-fi.  Still waiting on Child Support.  That damn asshole is still running my life.


Eminem has it right,  My life would be much better if you'd just drop dead...