Friday, May 27, 2011

Can you tell when you forget?

Not sure what is going on this week but it is the third day i have forgotten to take my pill and my Adderall in the morning. Forgetting to take the pill is frightening, but each day I have eventually remembered to take it. Unfortunately by the time I remember haven't had the Adderall which i normally take at the same time as my pill, it is mid afternoon. I have been advised not to take the Adderall past noon.

So can you tell when you forget? I would guess yes. It was obvious at 2pm that I just was not on the ball. I was everywhere at once. I was making lunch-something I had been working on for over an hour, folding laundry-or maybe it was just moving it into new piles, while feeding the kids pre made lunchables-which was somehow very stressful, and then there was the aimless job search-also happening at the sametime as everything else. So then it hits me; I am suddenly bored and can't find something to do, never mind all the things I had started, I suddenly wanted to go out and.... Not sure, party,shop, climb a mountain? I just know I wanted to to do something not boring.

I ended up in the kitchen and came across the pile of vitamins, pill and Adderall; right where I left them at 7am.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

She said what?!!!

I really thought that was some myth. I mean a social worker would not suggest such a thing, ever! It goes against some code of conduct right?!

So I visited a Social Worker today. She was nice, very rushed and obviously overworked. She also is underpaid according to what she claims to make per month. She tried to help. I think she is sincere. She did not have any suggestions on what resources one can use in my situation, so she called on a colleague that said something that is just pain WTF! After listening to the predicament I face about being on State Assistance and my problem with how I must find a Full Time Job with benefits that pays well enough to make up the deficit I will face and pay for child care she said I should tell DES that my husband and I split up.

Now don't get me wrong, there are days when he is grumpy and I am grumpy and that sounds like a great idea. The reality is even though I don't agree with him, and I often wish he did more, made more, participated more or what have you; I can't actually tell you what more of any it he could realistically do that would somehow make life so much less stressful and make all of us that much happier. I don't know what it is that could change it. No I am not stuck in some bad relationship, I am in a real world adult relationship, and the part that matters is just dandy with me. I don't think the part that matters can somehow be so much better, if I did then I suppose that crazy suggestion might make sense.

What the social worker thought telling DES we split would do is: first we would continue to get food stamps and health care when he went to school full time, we would then be eligible for cash assistance to pay for necessities like electricity, we would become eligible for section 8 housing assistance-though she said the wait was really long, we would also become eligible for child care subsidy so I could go to school or work or both, and that I would then possibly be eligible for some single mom to work programs. While many of these things sound great and I really would like to receive child care assistance so I could work and he can go to school, lying...

Really? That is the best option in here opinion. And I am not sure why either. Doing that does not actually improve our situation. In fact it just prolongs how long we stay in abject poverty and dependent on tax payers. Though the system is not exactly set up to get you on your feet and into the black, either. FYI; doing what she suggested just means that the State would then try to pursue my husband for the cash assistance when he does find another job while he attends school or even after he graduated. So it really does prolong how long you stay poor.

I just wonder why their is not some sorta gap filler so you can actually get off the system permanently. I know that finding a job is a great idea; but if I can't afford to feed my family or pay for child care so I can work, that I will just end up falling right back into the system and instead of grudgingly accepting medical insurance for the good of my children, I will end up demanding so much more because we will literally be forced onto the streets to meet the requirements and still be a whole family. If I can't find a job that pays enough for us to eat, have shelter, have electricity for heating and cooling, cover children's daycare expenses, the cost of getting to work by car, the cost of insuring the car, cover medical expenses and maybe a little extra for some fun, we will end up broke, on the street (living in our car), needing immediate emergency family housing, emergency food assistance, emergency cash assistance and possibly forcing the state to pay Foster Care expenses so our children can be in a safe place and not sleeping in the car. All of that is much more expensive then helping us fill in a gap or finding a resource that can help us manage.

And all the neigh sayers will say things like find cheaper housing, get rid of the car, the car insurance, don't heat or cool your home, and leave my children in a dangerous environment because I can't afford to higher someone who can keep them safe while we are away. Right, Lets see them leave their child in a meth house so they can go to work, because it is all they can afford. Let me see them find SAFE, CLEAN, housing that is close to a school that is actually teaching children to succeed. Okay right, when I can find a Cheap, Safe, Clean home that has a school I can trust that also happens to be on a bus line, with everything in walking distance I will give up the car. Unfortunately, I have not found a place that exists. Nor have I found a job near that imaginary place. So until then I will need a car to get the kids to school, daycare and myself to work and my husband can take the bus to school. Not that him taking the city bus to school would make a significant dent in family finances since it would still cost about $50.00 a month for the pass and significantly increase the amount of time the children need to be in childcare, thus increasing that expense more than the savings in gas and insurance. Maybe if the car he had needed a major overhaul....but it doesn't so, financially it doesn't add up to get rid of his vehicle as it doesn't save time or money.

That is what this all comes down to. Time. And Money. It takes time for a family to land safely on its feet after suffering a few financial set backs. And it takes money to afford the things that keep them from falling back again.

So the nice social worker felt awful because she could not provide any assistance that would help us up and out of the conundrum we face, and she was right to feel that way. I feel that way. What am I supposed to do? How can we as a family stay together? How can we stay afloat until we have finished our educations that barely hold any promise of a better paying job? I don't have an answer. I just know I will find a job, I will find health care benefits and I will find child care, I just don't know if I can afford going to work for less than 35K. Could you feed and shelter a family of 5 for that? Could you do it for less and still have the safe feeling in your belly when you leave for work each day?

If you have ideas on how to manage this problem, please share. Not only could it help me, and I am asking for it, it could help others that read this some day. :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

Ants go marching....

So. So. So. Do you think I will go to hell? I killed them. I sucked them into oblivion with the vacuum. Then I drown those left behind with soapy mop water, while my son smashed those trying to escape with a red Lego until they were nothing but black goo dots on the linoleum floor.

I did try to deter the ants from my home. The apartment was sprayed, their is a deadly bait trap outside and I keep the house fairly clean. Hey I am not Martha Steward! Our floors are swept regularly and mopped more then many restaurant bathrooms, and the carpet gets vacuumed every time I get annoyed at the smashed crackers and bits of play dough in the carpet. So it is cleaned as often as most.

Oh, did I mention the group of ants on the dog pillow were baked to death in the dryer? I know it killed them I pulled their crispy black bodies out of the lint trap.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

this week....

So this week I finally broke my platuea and now the butt in my fitted jeans is just a bit baggy. It feels really nice to say I am officially under 175. I celebrated with a snickers :0 Yes, I know not the most practical way to celebrate weightless. But I did not break free from the 175 mark by denying myself yum junk. I broke free by moving more. So now it is on to the next goal, five more, breaking the 170 mark. Hopefully a whole lot faster then the 175 mark.

I said I moved more. I really did! Do you know how difficult it is to wash and wax a car? That is how I broke the 175 mark. Then there was the effort it takes to tend the garden. Which brings another point. I did not change my diet persay, except eating a few items from the home garden. Did that make a difference? Do eating veggies and fruits from your own garden change your weight. Not eating more fruits and veggies or lowering the amount of calories, but is having a better quality, closer to nature, less chemical soup, veggie make a difference in how your body burns fat? I suppose that is a question that should be tackled by scientist and not some random persons anecdote.

A week or two ago I listened to a webcast about raising ADHD children and common difficulties parents encounter. They offered suggestions on how to overcome some typical challenges ( One thing the ladies talked about: children forgetting to brush teeth or not wanting too; made me laugh so hard. Not that poor hygiene is funny or the thought some normal people might think about how disgusting it feels not to brush ones teeth. It made me laugh because I saw myself. I am betting if you are in the normal camp the idea that brushing ones own teeth is waste of time is utter nonsense, but you miss the whole thing with add is about immediate positive feedback. Brushing your teeth does not really pay off immediately, it is something that takes a long time to see the results of the process, though it only takes a few years of neglect to see the negative results. Besides, brushing your teeth everyday is boring, and if you have a history of neglecting the teeth, it may actually hurt a lot to start brushing your teeth, so not doing it gets reinforced because it hurts. So if you are a parent, please stick to your guns and make your kids brush their teeth, oh, and don't do it for them or they won't do it when they are older. Really, just so you know it takes weeks and months to see results of good oral hygiene, something people with ADHD don't typically adhere too very long.

FYI I also worked on my resume. Still trying to define what the perfect job would be for me. I would still love to start my own business. I still think I could become a successful house painter, but ..... I have kids, my husbands about to go to school full-time, which means he won't be working full-time and we really need to have a steady, regular income while he is in school and health insurance is not just something that would be nice to have, it is a requirement that will help prevent total disaster both physically, mentally and financially. We simply can't afford not to be covered!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The $120 experiment

So this week I stuck to the $120.00 allowance. I did better then the last few weeks. I managed to pay the kids allowance, put $40.00 on the electric card, and even managed to treat myself to a taco bell burrito. The cash lasted until this morning, well kinda this evening. I spent $20.00 on iMovie for the iPad and the Mac book so I could edit last nits cub scout cross over, which has been kinda fun. So with the trip to Fry's this evening I am over the budget by $10.00. I had a really good reason for going over the budget, I needed to buy fish oil. I found it in the clearance sect

Ion of Fry's pills that are normally 25.00 per month were on clearance for $4.99 for a month supply.

So I got a few months worth, which sent me over it.

But now I don't feel so bad.

Cub Scouts Crossover 2011 pack 293

It's Tuesday and it's the last cub scouts meeting of the school year. With school out this week, I get e feeling the kids are about to get very bored.

So my oldest has made it successfully through his first year of cub scouts, skipped tiger, completed the short corse for bear and became a Wolf before December. Now it is time for him to go become what ever is next. I must with a big red embarrassed face say I don't know what rank is next.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Friday afternoon I was leaving the house. A repo tow truck arrived, not for my car. I mean I am broke but my vehicles are 100% paid for and I hold the titles free and clear. The repomen were not here for a new car not even a car from the last decade. As a matter of fact I think the car was worse less then it actually cost to tow the car and harass the own of the car for being behind in what ever payments they owed. The car repo'd was a 1994 Grey Pontiac Grand Am, with sun bleached paint and a baby seat in the back.

Personally disturbed by those facts.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Have been given the luxury of staying home with the kids after a bad break up with my previous job, searching for a new job is somewhat overwhelming.

While i would like to stay home For the next 2 to 3 years while Danny grows old enough to go to kindergarten, I am just bored out of my mind! Being a house mom is mind numbingly boring. It is the same thing nearly everyday, clean, organize, mediate, hope something's on tv or there is a new article to read, maybe listen to talk radio, and run shopping errands. Over and over again. Okay so I could call some friends, except they area all working mothers, mostly single so they don't have the "opportunity" to stay home. You might say go find a activity to do with the kids during the day, and I would be forced to remind you that our current family income is less than 20k, so anything that routinely cost more then $5.00 a week is a big strain on the balancing act.

A job. So soon my husband will be returning to school to work on a bachelors in biomedical engineering, which means a full time job for him is out. I could get a part time job, but they just don't seem to offer what I am looking for. All the part time Jobs seem to be at fast food restaurants, or retail mall locations, and as one would guess don't offer health insurance. They also seem to offer only minimum wage, which would actually be a hinderance instead of an improvement in our financial situation.

Fine print to explain that to you: my husband is a US Marine Corps Veteran who will be utilizing his Montgomery GI Bill. Regardless of whether he uses that money to pay the actual tuition or uses it for living expenses, the State of Arizona will see that amount as income and reduce benefits both food stamps, and health care. I really am not concerned about the food stamps, there are other affordable ways to find food to feed a family. I am terrified of a job and GI Bill benefits totaling just enough to cancel our access to public health insurance.

If you have been blessed enough in your life to never have needed an single entitlement program for the poor in your life, then this may not make much sense. After all the Montgomery GI bill is supposed to go directly to covering books and tuition, so why should that effect a families ability to receive healthcare coverage? All I can say is they also see any pell grants and student loans you receive as income that increases your income, thus creating the likelihood that your new "income" will put you over the federal poverty line. Once you are over the poverty line, employer health insurance or not, the government doesn't care. This also explains why so many users of the system never get off the system, there is no middle ground, no here buy health insurance at an affordable rate or you can keep your awful public health insurance if you pick up the bill. No you are left to try and find your own full coverage health insurance and if you are working part time fat chance you will actually be able to afford that, let alone a co-pay for medicine and doctors visit.

So knowing that, a part time job without health insurance just won't do. That leaves full-time employment and if you haven't searched for a job lately you might be surprised to learn that the majority of jobs are not offering health insurance, let all own 401k, tuition reimbursement, short-term disability insurance, long-term disability or even 2weeks paid vacation. All of those facts are frightening, especially since the jobs that are not offering these middle class requirements are also not offering enough cash to purchase one let alone all of them.

Add to this I am very weary of any job that is in a call center and finding a job seems just plain overwhelmingly impossible. To make it just that much more challenging, i am nearly certain that I don't want an office job where I am stuck at desk all day doing the exact same thing. Nothing is more challenging to ADHD then doing the same repetitive task and having little to no opportunity to change scenery or work your way up or horizontally to a better position.

Given the bleak job prospects for everyone in general the idea that I desire to have a job that complements my strengths and minimizes my weaknesses might seem upsurd. I just wonder why not have a job you actually like, and want to succeed at everyday that also provides your family with the necessities to maintain financial prosperity?

Job requirements if you are wondering:

Health insurance, full coverage

Adequate livable wage, no food stamps necessary

401k, I need to retire someday

Short and long term disability insurance

Vacation and sick time

Tuition reimbursement, just shows you want to keep me long term

Paid training

Variation in tasks and responsibilities

Creativity in the environment

Positive atmosphere


Opportunity to move up or horizontally should I get bored

A schedule where I still see my family and don't pay all my wages to a childcare provider

Maybe even a little travel, perhaps local sales calls?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


So how long does $120.00 last? How many kids do you have, cars? How much does it cost you to buy electricity, fast food, lip gloss, toothbrushes, laundry soap?

Two weeks ago I decided to try an allowance for myself. My allowance would include paying For electricity, household supplies and the occassional drive thru treat. I planned on using $40.00 for my M-power electric plan, which is a pay as you go plan, the rest could be used for family meals and things food stamps don't cover. Like laundry soap, hair spray, lotion, vitamins, ectera. I thought this $120.00 would also allow me to give $5.00 allowance to each child and even put $5.00 into an old savings account we have neglected for years.

I also thought that at 1/4th this would provide ample cash.

So I spent it all in less than one hour. That includes the electricity and kids allowance. I thing I have five for the savings account that we shave neglected....but then again.

Okay to be fair this is the second week I did this. Yes, both weeks it has been sent faster than I can type a message in twitter, but I still have hope that this could work. I am still working on the home inventory and have found much to my suppress that we need very little when it comes to cleaning supplies or toilet paper. So maybe I could train myself to provide all the things we a need like toilet paper and all the things we like, such as mouthwash, nail polish and the occasional meal in the drive thru. So on I go. Perhaps Dave Ramsey could help me?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Finally a moment

Well today is mothers day. My kids are still young and my husband had to work today. So like all the other days I got up, cleaned something, realized I was hungry and that there were other creatures wanting to eat and making a mess in the wake of what had just been cleaned. Ugh.

After feeding the monster under my toes, showering and folding laundry that has been sitting around for days, I called my mother in law. She didn't get the box I sent and she still has not gotten a call from her son. I really wish she had gotten the Box I sent and she wishes her silly kid would call her.

So for a whole 2 minutes it was quiet and I was uninterrupted, but now it is back to crying babies, hungry kids and other motherly duties.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

What happened to customer service?

What a hard day. It's only 11:45am and I have encountered bad, really bad customer service twice. That means the two places I was supposed to go to were awful!

You might think I would get used to being treated badly, but I refuse to be treated like this. I was so angry, so frustrated by doing what I am supposed to do and encountering people who simply don't care. I mean every week it seems I have written about something gone wrong

So The first thing we did this morning was attend breakfast with my mom at I.H.o.p. This is typically a easy experience. You show up, get seated' figure out what you want to eat and the server brings it out to you. Then stuffed and wishing you brought elastic pants you go about your day. That is not how it happened ay. Instead we told the server what we wanted and received cold food, made wrong. When she tried tocirrect it she did not listen tow at we asked for and got it wrong again. Did she apologize? No. If she did I did not hear it and neither did my mother. We ate our cold and wrong food, because we were hungry. Disappointed and annoyed, the manager profusely apologized for his waitresses failures and comped the meal. If you have ever had your meal comped because the service was so awful, then you know that this does not make it better.

We went to my moms and recouped for an hour. The kids played, screamed and caused general havoc. We left.

Off to the dentist. This was supposed to be easy. I made the appointment two weeks ago. I confirmed with the receptionist twice before hanging up that I had two appointments and what was being done. Good. All assured everything was good i put it on the calendar. We got there and just as you guessed they only had one appointment scheduled. Worse, according to them it was simply my fault and I would need to return to get my son, 4 who has been in pain for two weeks at a later date. Which would take another two to three weeks to get, leaving my four year old complaining and in pain for another two weeks. When I protested that this was not right, he would only agree to look at his mouth and see if he saw signs of obvious infection that might need antibiotics. Yes, that is what I want, Not! What I wanted... Both my sons to have their teeth cleaned, my four year old to have the cavity we scheduled filled and to see if there was another reason his mouth hurt. I see no reason why that should have been hard. They claimed that because their office was closed, they could not run his insurance to verify he needed to have his teeth cleaned. Really? Look at his teeth and then tell me he don't need to have his teeth professionally cleaned. The way they saw it I was completely wrong and since I was on public health insurance could be treated badly without remorse.

It should not matter that I am currently so financial broken that I have placed my kids on public health care. I and my time deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. We are after all humans. The dentist office offered no other assistance.

Angry and on the verge of tears I drove down the same street and stopped at the first dentist office that was opened and asked if they took our public health insurance. No, she said, but she thought another office did and she immediately called them for an immediate Saturday appointment. That was not all, she printed outa google map from her office to their office and promised I would like them much better then the clinic I just came from. Her smile was warm and genuine,and if you are ever looking for a warm office for your kids go ahead and try A to Z Dental in Glendale Arizona. Their office will provide you with what you except, customer service with a smile.

Day blown we stopped at a local barber shop called All Pro right off of 83rd ave and Bethany home Rd in Glendale az. It wads it busy, the barbers were youthful, thorough and patient. So while I sat typing this they cut my two older son's hair.when my four year old's nose ran, he opened a box of

Kleenex. Thanks Jimmy, I needed to see that. Humans treating others with kindness, that is what customer service is. So Jimmy cuts my 4year olds head and Jorge cut my7 year olds. A smile on My face a Lollie pop in their hands.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Funny thoughts

Kids say funny things, but most adults give up this habit in favor of maturity. However adults with ADHD still say these funny things, and often without realizing it. Here are some funny thoughts from the last 48 hours...

While watching a commercial for air conditioning repair, I said,"I sure hope their conditioner breaks". To my friend Sophia , no I wasn't thinking the guy in the ad had a nice ass. I was just hoping for some luck, because the air handler in this apartment let's out a tremendous roar every time it kicks on. I would also be that it is not the most energy efficient model. Go green please, and quiet the rumble.

In daydreaming and remenicing... I was remembering a psychiatrist asking if I ever had ideas of grander, well I said no. Boy did I get that wrong! Of course I day dream. I would be the best president of the united states ever. Who hasn't thought they would be a great president? Yes, I have imagined that if I were president the world would be at peace, everyone feed, and no person would ever be crazy again because we would all be diagnosed. No car would ever breakdown when you are already late to work, and all your checks would clear. Duh, i am Pam the fabulous.

Chiropractors have a weird profession, unable to convince people that they offer a real solution to everyday problems they have joined forces with ambulance chasing lawyers to stay in business. Weirder still, my chiropractor asked me if I have been having heartburn... I said yes, he goes and does his thing, then says that should stop now. Bizarre, I know I didn't believe him, but then I have not had heartburn since.

I should use my kids shoes as a flashlight. Never again will we let him wear those shoes to a movie again. (Thor was great)

When you loose weight where doesn't go? I mean do you poop it out? I am just saying it is something that is physically on your body, it doesn't just disappear.

While at the swimming pool I asked my 4year old why he was in the hot tub. He said because it was hot outside and you are supposed to be in the hot tub when it is hot and in the cold one when it is cold out.

I want to bite you. No reason I just want to.

I want to be a stripper. So what is stopping me? Well, I think my husband might get mad. Then again I might bite my customers.... Wonder if they would still pay me if I bite them?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Testing iPad

So I finally got it. Thanks fed ex man. I am doing what all dirty little geeks do when they get a new toy. Thankfully my hubbie has the day off so he is busy watching the kids, changing diapers, sweeping, mopping and desperately waiting for me to get tired of my new thing.

So I got a few "productivity apps" that I still need to imput info into, like the pantry app, the calendar

And the address book. So far the iPad has been everything it was advertised to be. I also think that this could be a great tool for general life improvement, aka organization.

Apps that I find useful: monarch-a free app that let's you post to blogger and add pictures. cozi a great family calendar app that also allows you to make grocery list, Pantry, while not set up, this thing has the potential to keep my from buying things I already have, like toothpaste, friended, I like it because it looks a lot like full Facebook in a browser, and seems go work Well. Mint, well this certainly beats writing in a checkbook register. And a few things I can't remember the actual names of,s texting service for free, VoIP thing that let's me make calls- though I am too cheap to pay the 9.99 to actually let you call me,so send me an email and I will call you or if you are among the lucky three I gave the number to text me.

So now on to all the non iPad things I should have been doing for the last 2 days!

Monday, May 2, 2011

What is Love?!

Let me frame where I am in my life today. I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, a husband, a car that is paid off, a year old bankruptcy, no job, a crazy and ridiculously large family, no college degree, a pile of a lot of little things that need to be done, and money I owe to people I cant afford to pay.

So why this question now? I mean I have been married only once and for nearly 9 years.

I saw Aunts and Uncles, Cousins, 2nd Cousins, friends of the family and people everyone wished didn't come. I witnessed love this weekend in a way I haven't seen in years. A baby, only 18 and just days from his 19th, was finally buried this past Saturday. I saw family members, I saw them be normal, no one physically fought and I didn't see anyone start an argument. A dramatic change from what I remember of the family I hide from.

I think love is hard to explain, however it is easy to witness. I saw aunts comfort each other, I felt cousins taking care of kin. I saw simple examples of care, a glass of water being passed to another, a box of tissues offered. I watched hugs, gentle rubs on the back, hands being held and compassionate words being given freely. Yes I saw anger expressed by grieving members, but I also watched as others gave what comfort they could. I can say I was pleased by this.

Yes, I cried. I cried mostly because it was hard to see my Aunt in so much pain and hard to imagine the baby I remember as a boy about to come of age