Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Kid sick again

It's something I wonder, how many times a year is it normal to have a cold? It seems like my kid is sick every other week. Fever, body aches, sore throat. I wonder about myself as well! In the last 30 days I have been taken down by a cold, stomach bug and strep throat. That doesn't count the number of times I was sick in December or November either. I read some where that University of Arizona did a study on children with ADHD and frequent illness, where when the tonsils and anadiloids were removed 50% of patients actually stopped exhibiting symptoms of ADHD impairment. Just wondering if that is a solution for me or if it would help my 5 year old.

Tried to go to the Jewel Center in downtown Phoenix again. And again I was turned away because the child care center was short staffed. It bugs me because it is such a long drive to get there and they won't let you take any classes until after orientation is completed. After yesterday's visit with the Vocational Rehabilitation counselor I would like to take one of their parenting classes as well as the self esteem class I keep trying to get into. Bummer after a very long drive! Of course if my 5 year old hadn't been sick I might have been able to see if my Aunt was at my Nana's house to watch the baby. I simply can't visit my Nana with a sick kid, she has become far to frail for it. So I will need to try another day or week to get this orientation finished.

So a friend of my husband has become annoyed with the airing of the dirty laundry. I told her it was fine If she unfriend me as she had to do what was best for her mental health. She reports he post things on his Facebook page about my blog, arguments ect. That's fine by me, I don't read his Facebook page. I never actually did even when he was a friend of mine on Facebook page. I have heard enough from the media about how reading your spouses pages are bad for your marriage. Besides I didn't have time when I was busy trying to keep house his way. I do have the time now, but find it better spent studying marriage self help books, career advice, ADHD, and PDD-Nos. I learned yesterday that my five year old is eligible for Social Security Disability Income, which could help me get him into tutoring, motor skills development, or other enrichment program to keep him as close to his peers as possible. I haven't made the call, yet. It is just so overwhelming to think that your 5 year old as eligible for SSDI. So I will work on that tomorrow.

In the mean time I will try and wash the sheets and towels that got dirty when my two year old had explosive diarrhea this afternoon. And hope I can get everyone in the car to drop off my oldest for scouts because my husband promises to pick him up.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Courage and wtf. My mom takes his side?!

Have you ever woke up to the sound of your own sobs?

My pillow was soaked. I don't know how long I had been crying in my sleep. I just find it strange.

I visited my mothers house today. But only because I had too leave my son with her do I could go to my Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. I got an ear lashing! It wasn't t fair and it wasn't right. She was already angry before I got there and had decided I was simply holding a grudge against my estranged husband. I knew after Saturday that she didn't truly understand what has been happening in this house over the years. And today I learned she just doesn't want to believe I can decide that enough had gone wrong. She demanded I just decide right now and get a divorce! Suddenly, she went from you shouldn't get a divorce to I must hurry up and do it right now.

She made excuses for him. She tried to justify bad behavior. She flat out can't accept indecision on my behalf. I got screamed at for having the audacity to ask my husband "why, now?" it's a perfectly fair question when someone tells you they are considering joining he Reserves. Apparently I am not entitled to learn that information about my husbands plans. I say shouldn't a wife know why you want to enlist, why separated service in he first place and why now is a good time to re-enlist? My husband called me a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down via text message. He's angry because I asked the same question the recruiter will ask. Why he immediately decided I was being vindictive is beyond me. Could he not have simply asked why I was so rude or called instead of telling me I was a bitch? Having two against one is not fair!

She didn't care that he should have handled his anger differently. She had no idea what had happened on Saturday. She didn't care that I thought I was given a glimmer of hope when he said he would go to church with his family. She didn't know he didn't like the first marriage advice book I had gotten on the kindle. She didn't know i had gotten him a different book with a very different plan. She just knew I was vindictive because I asked a question after he asked to know my thoughts. She seemed to assume that me asking a question about why now, why not then was me saying he couldn't go back. She didn't care that I was not going to stop him from re-enlisting or not. It is ultimately his choice. I just want to know what every wife and best friend should know when you begin making life altering decisions for your family.

I went to my appointment and feel good for doing so. I feel like I may be able to get real career guidance and positive support. I know that the process is very long. I was there because when I look back over my speckled career path, I can clearly see how ADHD impacted its path. I understand that I had issues that could have been mitigated and that i might be happily employed at one of my previous employers. I hope that the agency can guide me to career stability. Maybe they will be able timely me improve the financial situation of my kids. I also felt that I was supposed to meet the counselor. She has been where I am in my marriage and knows what it takes to say I need to protect my kids from this bad environment and save myself. We talked about God and what I have seen in regards to my husband and God. I told her he doesn't attend church, that in nine years I only remember him going with me once. I know he knows the bible well. A few weeks ago he corrected me when I pronounced a name incorrectly when reading a passage to my oldest son. I know he knows the bible better than I do, afterall he was an alter boy in the catholic church I just don't know anything about why he doesn't want to go or be religious. We talked about some of the more disturbing things that have happened in my house. I was caught a little off guard when she told me that I could go to jail for letting him do those things, not just him. So there is a lot of things that need to be fixed that I wasn't even aware of. I now know that the pastor at CCV was right when he said I should pray for courage. I will need the courage to make sure those bad things are not allowed to happen to me or my kids ever again. Pray for courage to do what God needs done.

It will not be easy. But I will pray for the courage to do it.


Sunday, January 29, 2012

Tears wetting my iPad.

Utterly confused.

I don't understand and can't make sense of what just happened. I am in tears again. The message from the church I visited yesterday was to ask for courage from God. I am heart broken tonight and desperately need the courage offered.

Things are tuff. I am doing what I can to maintain. Why is he so angry all the time? Why did he tell me I was a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down? I really don't understand. I tried asking him why he said those things, it just made him very angry. He left the home we once shared in anger. I waited for him to return. Hoping he would find his rational self and explain what he felt when he said those things. It's been over an hour. I don't know where he went. Did he go get a drink? Was he drinking before I asked him over? Why does asking "why" produce such a negative response? Does he not know how it hurts? What happen to the texts from Saturday where he said he would go to church with his family?

I have people in my life telling me all the should haves. They become offended when I say I don't want to worry about the should haves and what ifs. I simply want to work on right now. One of them sent a text demanding me to make a final decision about divorce, etcetera. Really? I thought I was supposed to take my time or trust my heart to know what to do and when to do it?

The new church people didn't make such demands. They didn't think I was nuts or indecisive. They just offered their hearts and prayers that I would do what Gods will was. They understood and I wasn't alone, it was okay to just be me. I suppose my teachers must have hated me, I've always asked why.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Whatever, day nine


Anyway, I enjoyed another day of not being stressed out over whether the floors were sweep, the kitchen cleaned. It's wonderful not to spend the whole day following around kids and picking up every last item. I ended up with lots more energy!

The kids had early out and the two older ones visited Dad for the afternoon. They said they went to the park, the one we took the dogs to a long time ago and went to get Icees at the QT.

It left me wondering... Why didn't he do that before? What was so difficult about taking the kids and doing something not at home? Couldn't he do this every week like I have been asking, requesting and finally demanding for years? Is it that hard to spend time with them or was he simply trying to torched me by never giving me alone time in my own home ( the one he locked me out of a week ago- for revenge he said). All because I need time in the home without kids.

Drives me nuts! He gets time in the house by himself multiple times a week. If he wants to spend it cleaning, so be it. It's his time he can use it how he wants.

And FYI it's not alone time if you are by yourself doing the grocery shopping. That simply doesn't count, unless it's something you love doing, like painting the house. Yes, I would rather paint the house than to go to the grocery store. I would even rather paint your house! I even wanted to start a business painting houses. Besides you only paint a house once every few years! Or every year if your me and love to change colors.

Who really wants to go to the grocery store 75 times a year when everyone complains about what you cook and tells you after the fact what they wanted, even though you asked before, by a full 24 hours!??! Drives me nuts! I hate that place, the ugly florescent lighting makes me ill.

On the bright side of the grocery store I watched a boy, must have been about 22, check me out, and than return to do it a second and third time. Made me feel hot!

Let me hear it ladies!

Nothing makes you feel better than when a guy does a double take even when it's the father of your kids.

Wish there was more of that in my home.

And now the kid thAt hasn't peed in the bed in over a week, just peed on my bed! Anyone have stock in Tide?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Day eight!!!

I awoke today feeling great! The alarms went off and I didn't go back to sleep. I woke the kids and they did what I have been dreaming they would for years! They just did the things they were supposed to and when they got off track only a gentle nudge. They seem less on edge and more willing to do those chores. Perhaps it's due to the realistic expectations of what hey can do. They aren't perfect and they didn't get demeaned for not completing tasks with military precision. So the things just got done.

Big smile.

The sudden understanding of Julia Roberts' character in Sleeping with the Enemy when she finally feels free from her abuser. It's a surreal feeling to be able to be yourself. No fear or anxiety No overwhelming need to do things for someone else their way on their time table. It's bizarre when you realize you don't need to make the bed right away or panic when the kids spill some cereal on the counter. Or to be able to dance without some one looking down on you or telling you, you can't dance. How weird to be freed. The things that have become habits out of fear and avoidance are slushing off. It is that sexy liberating feeling you imagine in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts' character receives her prince charming in her crappy apartment.

It's just great!

Oh, and the chores are so much easier and quicker to finish!

Day seven...

I had an insatiable appetite today. I wonder if that is a side effect of strong antibiotics or general stress from the situation. It was a long day but it seemed short due to the ridiculously long wandering afternoon of my baby, who was all too happy to break in his baby leash. Its quite funny to see a baby on a leash, but it has become necessary! I can't explain how terrifying it is to realize your baby has wandered away. I don't know why I didn't get one sooner! Probably because I think their ludicrous.

So it was Tuesday night. A cub scouts night. What a difference it was. Some things are hard to explain and incomprehensible to those that have never experienced it. I made spaghetti as its kinda customary to have on
Such a busy night. The kids ate. There was less arguing, and those that did happen, we're easier to curb. The kids played and followed directions, we did not need to rush! We arrived on time and the kids had fun. We returned home with lots to do: bathe, eat dessert, wash more laundry, pick up toys, take out garbage, get pj's on, read a story and go to bed. It was different this time.

First we did not rush to clean up the house before we left. We just were not concerned about how Dad would react to the small mess. It made going toScouts less stressful. When we returned we weren't hurting to clean because Dad was coming home. We just did things as we could. When it was time to clean up their bedroom, no one panicked. No one cried about there being too much to do. No one was stressed and they all worked together. Most amazingly was how quick it was picked up!!!!

It was the first time I was conscience of just how much anxiety was in the house do tony husband's unpredictable moods. It's different to experience peace when war has been all you have known for years.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Days five and six...

On day five he asked to see the kids. I ate an entire bag of circus peanuts and pulled all the weeds from my step fathers front lawn by hand while they were gone for the afternoon. The hardest part of the visit had been getting our five year old to go, as he insisted Dad had locked him out of the house.

My mother made chop suey and egg rolls. My stomach didn't know what to do with real food, the curry made my tummy warm and fussy.

He texted me that the kids were done eating, so I went to get them. That's ere he told me he didn't want a divorce and he doesn't like my blog. I than explained that me writing on my public journal is not any different than me going to a coffee house and talking to a gaggle of my cousins and friends. He didn't seem to understand that the thing he dislikes most about the blog happens everyone a spouse goes and tells their family about the other.

He also didn't seem to understand that the biggest problem he has right now is the fear he has created in me and our kids. It the main reason the trust has been broken and he reason I gave for he needing to leave the house and not live with me right now. The examples given had been said before and just as before he claimed I had never told him those things. It's incredibly frustrating to hear you never said that before. It incredibly frustrating to hear I will go to counseling, when the promise has been empty for so long.

It's really hard to deal with the excuses of why he hasn't gone. It's hard to understand why anyone would think it would be different, especially my mother. I believe she doesn't understand how things can look so good from the outside and be bad underneath.

On day six he text me requesting the sleeping bag from my step fathers shed. It set up a nearly impossible task with the time table of 40 minutes. He asked at 645 am. The big problem was the camping gear is buried. He should have known that, but I guess it just slipped his mind. After getting he kids up and out of bed, I emptied out the shed. It took me about 35 minutes to get out the camping gear, barely making it out in time for him and the kids to go to school.

He officially vacated the apartment so kids and I can stop sleeping on he floor. We returned home and I put back all their clothing. Unbelievably exhausted I went to sleep with the kids after reading the story

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Day four....

Today was a whirlwind! My baby is still sick, though the fever seems to be breaking. He hasn't been more than 100 all day! When this kid gets sick; he really gets sick. He took two naps today! Yeah me I got to shower and wash a load of laundry!

I checked the bank balance, and just as one would suspect the bank account is broke. A tiny bummer because my oldest wanted to buy a toy for his friends birthday party. :(. I took the two older boys to the party where they jumped and jumped to their hearts delight! It was a family style birthday, the kind that reminded me of my dysfunctional cousins from back when we lives on the south aide of town. If you've got no clue what I am talking about imagine this: a bouncey house in the front, music blasting in English and Spanish, baroque grilling, rented tables and chairs lining the front driveway And all the neighborhood kids running around.
My kids enjoyed themselves, had fun with the piƱata and ate ice cream cake till they got ice creAm headaches! Being a south side family type party I came home with two burgers with all the toppings, four hot dogs, extra cake, a bag of juicy and ripe oranges, and half a dozen juice boxes. I forgot to mention the pound of candy!

I browsed the residential streets of Peoria. I tell my kids it treasure hunting. I drive around looking for something good in the stuff that wealthier people throw out on bulk trash collection. Last year I found a nice tv stand that is being used to hold all the other equipment in the living room. I didn't find anything today. :(

Positive note my klout score increased this weekend. If you don't know about klout.com you might want to try them out. It's a way to see how influential you are online. It is actually interesting to learn what make them go up and what has no effect.

I know what your wondering...Did she go home? What happened since yesterday? Not much interaction. But ha has placed a rebuttal in the comments to my last few days of post. Just as before I have made the decision to leave the comments unedited. They are there for all to read if you'd like. Other than that there was no actual progress or any set backs for the day.

I did spend sometime taking some of those Cosmo type quizzes about should you get a divorce, Lack of surprise they all said I should except for the quiz on Dr. Phil. As far as I can tell only one or two percent of the divorced would meet Dr. Phil's standard to get a divorce. So he either thinks nearly all relationships can be saved or thinks most people are far more mature and level headed than we are.

Day three...

Exhausted last night. My two year old is still feverish. I called the urgent care clinic back because he had developed a bad cough and they requested I bring him back.

I didn't have a car or a stroller. I considered walking the mile and buying a stroller after the appointment at the nearby Target and taking a cab. Both seemed like poor options. I sent a text message to my estranged husband asking to bring me the Car. Seeing as how he hadn't responded to the previous text about the kids being ill I didn't hold out much hope. I prepared to walk.

Surprise! He text back saying he would be over in five. He arrived.

The next five minutes were the most awkward in all the history of our marriage. Absolute silence and the longest red light of my life; longer than any red light on Grand Ave as a train passes by.

Long end to the story I got the keys and the car back! I took my baby back to the urgent care where I was instructed to keep giving the antibiotics and add a cortisteroid and over counter cough syrup. My five year old went to school for the first time this week, Friday. And my eight year old added coughing to his cold.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Day two...

Another day. I am quite convinced this seperation will end in divorce. I have accepted what my conselors, family and friends have know for years, that my husband is an abuser. No I don't have physical bruises, but I have the kind you can't see....

He remains in his rage mode. He did not go to school or work today. I am certain he did this because he was afraid I would steal my own car.

Because he did not leave the house today I was forced to get a police escort into my own home so I could get a few more clothes for my kids. When we arrived it was obvious that he had just been smoking Mary Jane, but the officer didn't arrest him. He still refuses to hand over the car keys. He actually removed the keys from my key ring just so I couldn't have them.

The kids are doing well. Perhaps they feel safe here at my mothers house. We don't have beds here. The kids are sleeping on an air mattress and still enjoying it, for now.

They are safely tucked in bed. I am sticking as closely to our routine as I can. I kept the promise to take them to Peter Piper Pizza for the school fundraiser. My mother drove us. I believe she is petrified he could do something unpredictable. We will be changing the locks and garage codes.

Strangely I am calmer than i was when staying with him. Weird feeling being at peace. Not worried I didn't do it good enough. Not worried I forgot to take the trash out, sweep the floor, hang clean towels in the bathroom or the mess the kids made in their room.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Day one

Today I said the D-word. I believe I am at the end of my marriage as there seems to be no hope my husband plans on improving the situation or even admitting he has a role in this drama.

I am and have always been open. I've alway blurted what was rambling along in my head so I will continue to write this blog.

I tried to retrieve my house keys and my car but failed. I succeeded in recovering my kids and a few days clothes. I told him I want him out and that I wAnt a divorce. He is still in an uncontrolled rage. I took my phone when I took the kids.

My kids were sick. My five year old continued to have a cough with a mild fever and my two year old had broken out with a rash over night with his continued fever. As soon as I saw the rash I took all the kids to urgent care. Turns out the five year olds cough turned into bronchitis and that the two year old hAs Scarlett fever. I have strep throat and my eight year old has a cold developing.

I sent my husband a text but did not receive a response.

I've returned to my mothers house. The kids told me about how angry their dad was. He said irrational things to them and did not read them a bedtime story like he usually does.

Exhausted after the two trips to the old Cvs for Tylenol and antibiotics. My kids are enjoying sleeping on the air mattress, but I know soon they will be asking when we can go home.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Happy Birthday.... Should you call the cops?!!

Well I am starting to think my birthday is just a bad day.  Last year my car had been broken into.  That should be one of the earliest post on this blog.  It sucked.  I spent the day calling banks, notifying all kinds of people and dealing with the Police.  This year also sucked, only much worse!

Instead of having a birthday party, which no one offered to throw for me.  I spent the day caring for two sick kids.  Yeah, I know it sucks to spend the day at home with a pukey kid, let alone two.  Both kids started the day with fevers, and christening me in their vomit.  I changed my clothes 4 times due to the festivities and bathed twice.  I did 4 loads of bedding covered in bright red vomit.  My fault, I gave my kids red Kool Aid.  Still quite gross. 

So that was bad.  And any normal person would be like that sucks!  Can I please have a do over?!  But the day got much worse.

As I write this posting I am quite confused.  I would say BEFUDDLED if the word didn't seem to be so light-hearted, but alas, I sit before you confused, flaberghasted, appalled and baffled, and befuddled. 

Sick kids is bad.  I started to feel a little sick myself this afternoon, also bad.  But it was a Tuesday, and in my house that means Cub Scouts from 6:30-8:00pm at the local church.  Today was slightly different than our usual, take the kids and supervise them as they learn Boy Things like tying knots, it was a parent meeting.  So that sounds really boring.  And I supposed if I was not an active Committee Member it would be.  I took on the role of Lake Pleasant District Council Scout-O-Rama Chair and Pack 293 Scout-O-Rama Chair, so tonight I had a lot to talk about.  Its big. Its fun.  Its a thing worth doing.  Unfortunately, I'd spent the day caring for sick kids and had forgotten all about the flyers I wanted to make, so in typical ADHD fashion I started making the flyer at 5:45pm when we need to be in the car by 6:10 and on our way.  5:45 is usually when I start getting kids and shoes paired together with anything else like jackets and dues. 

So I made my flyers.  I spoke, parents were not fans of the Assumptive Sales Plans or that volunteering for 4 hour shifts would be a bit different this year.  We talked about the goal of getting 75% of the Scouts to participate in the fundraiser and what participation qualified as.  So, I talked alot and so did some of the other parents that have been the Scout-O-Rama Chair in the past.  Before this started I had texted my husband that I wanted Carolina's for dinner.  No I never sent a message stating what dish I wanted.  The meeting had started and I was not in a position to look down and read text, as I was a presenter. 

I called when the meeting finally finished and asked if he had gotten food.  He said yes, so I went home with 2 sick kids and a very excited Cub Scout who had just learned he would be going to Camp Digalus.  I gathered my things and pushed the kids inside with the expectation of delicious mexican food for me.  Only there was no food for me.  I put my phone down on the dock station in my bedroom, as I do by a forced habit.  (I've lost my phone many times!)  I came out of the room and asked the question any other hungry birthday girl would ask, "Where's my food?"  Was I smiling? No, I was confused and famished.  Was there an air of attitude?  Possibly, but not enough to trigger what happened....

There was an explosion of rage in my house.  Not the first time this has happened, as I have told you in the past my husband has a way of simply exploding with little warning.  Having just walked in the door and still feeling a tad feverish, my eyes got huge like an animal who sees the on comming headlights of a distant car.   He screamed at me, I am sure the neighbors heard.  I yelled back, "What did I do?!!!"  He screamed more about how I didn't respond to his text message!  And how was he supposed to know I didn't eat?!! I attempted to explain what I did at the Cub Scouts Parent Meeting and how I didn't know he sent me a text because I was leading a group.  Then he ranted about how he can't respond to text messages and my phone calls at work!  (Bewildered and hungry I reached for my purse and grabbed my keys)  I said if you needed me to tell you, you should have called.  I started walking outside as He screamed more, and stammered to his food wadded it up and throw uneatten, perfectly good food in to the garbage can as if he was celebrating a game winning touch down.  Floored by the tempertantrum I continued walking out to go get myself my birthday dinner.  He Screamed wildly about how he would go get it for me.  I declined, and Said, "No, I will get my food. "

I made it to the car.  I didn't run.  But perhaps I should have.  I started the car began closing the door, when he swung it back open.  With the engine running, I buckled my seat belt and told him to leave so I could close the door.  Some very unwitty banter happened.  Then he reached across me and yanked the keys out of the ignition.  He ran.  Ran back into the house and locked the door! 

Can you believe that?  I was locked out of my own home, with my kids trapped inside.  I banged on the door, shouted about my cell phone being inside.  He briefly returned to the door to scold me like a child and slam the door again!  Left out in the cold, crying.  Unable to understand what had just happened, cold hungry.  I pleaded to let me in, but nothing.  Just the sound of my sick two year old crying. 

I went to the car, the door still unlocked, looked for a coat.  I stood there, baffled.  Angry, I left.  I began the 1 mile walk to my mothers house.  I didn't have a phone so I could not call anyone for advice.  As I approached the Circle K on the corner I considered asking them to call the Police.  Upset, I continued walking towards my mothers house.  I was one block from her house when she drove up. 

2 hours later, I am still wondering should I call the cops?  Should I go take the kids? What would you do? How do you explain this to 3 frightened kids?

New Years Resolutions....

On the other things I've been thinking about since my last post back in December, or January.  I can't actually remember but I know I wanted to talk about New Years Resolutions. 

Lets start with the obvious

I want to be lighter on the scale and have a smaller pant size.  A long time ago, like the month before I became pregnant with my first kid, I was a size 8.  That is a really good size.  I admit I looked like a Barbie Doll, with my big Dolly Parton Size boobs!  But I worked at a Bikini Bar, so I guess you could say I was really into exercising.  And As for looking like Dolly Parton, that goes back to the first wish I ever made, back in the second grade.  Why an 8 year old wished for Boobs like Dolly Parton, I don't know, perhaps some crazy shrink has an answer, like I spent too much time looking at my Dad's Playboys. 

I want to be more vigilant when it comes to posting updates on my blog.  I like to write on this.  I like it.  It's a little like seeing your name in lights on the Theater Marque.  It's a bit of fun.  It's great for reliving stress.  It's also great for avoiding doing things like moping the floor or putting pants on my two year old.  I guess I am saying I would like to post each week, in my fantasy world I would post everyday, but really who would be reading that?

I also want my finances to make sense.  You know, the check book balances, and you don't overdraw your checking account on a regular basis.  I would also like to have cash in the savings account that is actually for savings and not to pay the overdraft fee.  So maybe I need a budget?  Then again that sounds oh so boring.

I want to earn money in my new career.  My new boss seems to be great.  She is organized or seems to be.  She is understanding and seems to understand my reluctance to jump right in and WIN, to quote Charley Sheen.  She also seems to understand basic math and that things like paying for child care are expensive if you are not generating an income to replace what you used. 

I want to exercise.  Before I got my crazy boss I was doing well.  Not fabulous.  I wasn't loosing 2 pounds a week or anything.  But I was feeling better.  Now, I don't know if it was all the crazy boss or a bit of the winter blues, but I stopped, and now I feel flabby.

I want to be organized.  You know like those people you admire, the ones that are never late and never need to apologize for the Linus like chaos that follows them.  I want to be prepared, I want to know what I need, what I need to do to get it, and who I need help from.  It's weird, I just want to feel like normal people do.  Normal people rarely suffer from deer in headlights syndrome. 

Adult Content:  Dude you know you want this crap.

I want to replace my Vib.  I miss my vib.  It made the kids antics less, frustrating, if only for a minute.  Lets face it I have a short attention span, and spending more than 10 minutes with the Vib or my husband leads to loss of interest.  Or maybe its just wandering interest.  I am certain my husband appreciates that in the middle of it, I am suddenly thinking about the grocery list, or that email, or the clothes that need to be mended.  Or maybe I am just in outer space, I have know idea, its sorta random, ranging from all the chores I didn't do, the kids, the car, the job, the education, my dry lips(both), the dogs, the weird shadow on the ceiling, how itchy the sheets feel, or how I need to change positions again. 

Anyway, why do people make Resolutions?  Aren't they usually forgotten by the end of January?  Is it because they don't have a plan or people to hold them accountable.  Are they even good?

So what are my steps?  Dude, you do know I have ADHD?  And maybe a bit OCD.  Yeah, I get upset when my hairspray is not in its proper place or someone moves the Paprika from the place I last put it.  Yeah, I have ideas.  No I don't have them written out. 

Oh, I also want to write out the house rules.  Ask my why.  Maybe I will write it later.  Just like the steps to finish the New Years Resolutions.....

Monday, January 16, 2012

To buy or not to buy?

It sounds like an easy answer, just buy a house.  Lately, I have been having doubts.  I keep wondering why would buying a house right now be bad?  Should we wait?  Is there good advice on what the best course of action is?  Didn't I read about what the right thing to do is in a book called the Two Income Trap?  I am sure I did.  I just don't know.  Worse, my husband is willing to go any way I suggest without letting me know if he has concerns...  He hasn't even been blown away by listing from the Internet either. 

Oh, no my grumpy, fat, neighbor is not dead.  I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part. 

So I have looked and guessed based on information on the Internet about how much we could afford and if we would qualify.  The answers are we will qualify, but not until March 11, 2012-exactly 2 years and 1 day since our Chapter 7 Bankruptcy was finalized, and maybe as much as $100,000 for a home loan. I know we can qualify.  I know we need to wait about 60 days from today.  I know that homes with 3 or 4 bedrooms exist in my current neighborhood for less than $100K, but not in my kids school boundaries!  I know that this neighborhood lacks bus transportation, and is far from all my friends, and the majority of my dysfunctional extended family.  I also know that the location is close to entertainment, dinning, and of course the freeway. 

What I don't know is if this is a good thing to do right now.  Should we wait another year?  Should we pay off all the credit card debt with our tax refund instead of using it as a down payment on a home?  If we pay off all the outstanding Credit Card Debt and the $5,000 I owe to University of Phoenix, I can go back to school.  And maybe finish my degree this time around.  But we would not have a house.  We would be stuck in the same 900SQFT apartment that we are outgrowing!  I have no space for an office, or quiet space to run and hide to when I have a bad day.  Now if you think the loo is a good quiet place you obviously do not have little kids!  Worse we have all three boys in the same bedroom. 

The same 3 boys that were spoiled last month for Christmas have little space to play on the floor.  As a result we find them playing in the living room, the kitchen, Mom and Dad's room, the bathrooms, the walk-in closets and outside on the patio.  Their room is difficult to keep clean, mostly because everything needs a place and many times those things are sharing overcrowded shelves.  They have too many clothes. 

My husband has his desk in our Bedroom, which also triples as the workout room, sewing room, storage shed, and pantry for all those water bottles and juice boxes the kids drink.  Our storage closet outside, barely holds our Christmas tree and decorations.  Each of our bedrooms have a walk-in closet, and they are stuffed with extra things that would normally go in a garage or storage shed for long term storage. 

 I'd bet your saying...Doesn't she claim to be poor?  How on Earth can she be talking about buying a house when she has been to the food bank twice in the last 2 months?  How can someone who is on Medicaid be buying a house?  The truth is the bank account is still empty, were still on Medicaid for health insurance and still can't buy all the things the kids got for Christmas.  But I am expecting a large enough tax return that I could either pay off all the debts we now have or use it as a 10-20% down payment on a low cost house.  FYI the houses I have been looking at are listed at 50-80K. Also I am trying to work, though that seems to be extremely part-time right now.  

As you can see there are many reasons to move to a bigger location, and possibly a home of our own.  But what are the reasons this is a bad time or bad idea?  What does Dave Ramsey suggest?  Things I haven't mentioned is that is the number one thing on my wish list, the number two thing is the Neat Receipts scanner. 

And just when things seem to be going well.  A kid falls of the counter and lands face first... Though not the one you would have thought, it was the 8 year old.