Laziness doesn't exist and coping

The last six months have been...hell. I am a huge fan of the TV Show Lucifer so it feels so odd to use that analogy to my ongoing recovery from my heart attack. I've seen a lot of people who are obsessive fans of the show and I think if it weren't for the escapist show about the Devil turned Cop I may be in a far worse place.

Today I finally accomplished one of the goals I on my to-do list. As an ADHD adult, I take meds. Meds with come with a stigma that even my Mom uses to remind me of how I don't measure up. In December of 2017, I had my quarterly med check with the Psychiatric Nurse. I am one of the unfortunate people fortunate enough to have state health insurance and the price tag is difficulty navigating the "system" combined with "people who are underpaid, overworked, burnt out" who have no problem letting you fall through the cracks. I asked to be added back to the rolls of people who were getting counseling since I was not working I would have no problem "keeping" the appointment.

I never got the appointment. To be honest I was so exhausted from the physical recovery of having a heart attack I didn't notice I had been ignored. My next quarterly med check came in March 2018. I asked again for an appointment with a counselor. I had a bit more energy in me. They don't explain how exhausted you will be from just the act of getting out of bed after a heart attack. For those that don't succeed getting past the bed sheets, I understand. It is very crippiling. I was a bit more persistent, I followed up, called again and again, got call back from caseworkers, but no appointment.

I gave up again. I was told a supervisor would follow up. But it didn't happen.  If you are wondering why people on social services don't feel the desire to keep fighting for assistance, all I can say is this is not a unique situation or the first time I encountered bureaucracy.  It is exhausting.

Working through the health stuff and trying to get back onto my proverbial feet by returning to work. I applied to Vocational Rehabilitation. I applied partly out of desperation and partly out of frustration when trying to find work that would fit my new reality.

New Reality:

• can't work outside, it's too hot/ too cold
• cant work a job that needs me to work 8+ hours 
• can't work a job that doesn't let me be home with my kids
• can't work a high-stress job at a call center
• can't work a job that requires me to be on my feet
• can't work a job that requires me to sit stationary
• can't work a job that requires lifting heavy items
• can't work a job that doesn't let me go to my doctors' appointments, of which there are many, many, many per month
• can't work a job that requires me to be ridged, wait that is just an existing ADHD thing.
• Job still needs to make me 35-60K a year

Believe it, the state government Vocational Rehabilitation Assistance actually got me an appointment before I got an appointment with a counselor. Their turn-around time was about 2 months. Pretty dang fast in my experience! But they needed things, things from my state-funded Psychiatric Nurse.

Needing things fast I took a friend with me to the state-funded Psychiatric Nurses office and asked for that info need. Of course, the desk person didn't know what the hell I needed or was even asking. Can't be surprised, its a low paid $9.00 an hour job and hundreds of patients come in every single day. So I asked for a supervisor, with my back up, my friend.

Supervisor in person was exactly what I needed to get the appointment with the counselor. 

Checking off the long-awaited counseling appointment.  In all, it was nearly 6 months of time getting that appointment. I am proud to say I didn't slash any tires or turning into a raging vile-language ogre along the way. 

I attended the appointment this morning...It was emotionally draining explaining to a stranger where I am. Emotions are tough on the heart. They can make your blood pressure rise, your heart race. If you've lived a life with ADHD, Depression, Anxiety or any other experience that limits you, you probably know this. I took a 5-hour nap. And now I can't sleep.

My Facebook is buggy tonight, which means it can't distract me. But Twitter is working. Twitter is where I went when Lucifer was canceled by Fox. So it provides a good deal of distraction. Among the distraction, I found this article. Laziness Doesn't Exist. It helped me cope. My life is full of people who judge me and tell me I am Lazy. Former Co-workers, Business Partners, Family, Ex-husbands, mothers and sometimes me. It resonated with me following today's appointment with the new counselor, who pointed out that I have accomplished a lot. People who call you lazy because you didn't meet their expectations are explained in this article. Now I understand a bit more about them so I can be a bit less on loathing to myself. 

Ummm... Great! Oh help me please...?

Okay so now I am the only adult working in my house.  I gotta say that was not something I was expecting.  I was hoping my husband would suck it up and stay where he was, but instead they fired him.  It was not a surprise.  He was just a seasonal employee.  But it is a bummer.

Just as things were financially starting to stabilize, I am back to the oh shit.  How do we pay for that or the other thing.  We just bought this house.  Err... Excuse me while I panic.  Now I need to cancel my private employer insurance that I just got because well, we can't afford it and the state of Arizona says we are poor enough to qualify for state medicaid.  I was so excited to have my own insurance start this week.  I hope I can cancel it.  I mean its a life change right?

I also now regret ordering a Valentines Day Gift.  Damn, now we definitely can't afford it.  Shit it already shipped.  Yes I am still panicking!

So what do I do?  Should I get a second job?  A better paying gig?  I like the new gig.  I mean how many people can say that they got a chance to work for Facebook's Marketing Team?  Its a great opportunity for me to learn about Social Media and marketing in general.  Yes I thought I knew everything about Facebook.  Now I know I didn't know shit about it.

I was planning on going back to school with the help of my Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor, which I finally get an appointment with later this month.  I managed to get my Mom to agree to help me with my school debt so I can go back to classes later too.  I also wanted to take a class at the Community College to work with Adobe Suite Software and learn more about the graphic side of advertising.  Though that would be awesome and fun.  But now I am panicking....  Do I continue with my plan to go back to school and learn more about Marketing or do I look for a second job so we can get off Government Assistant.

For those of you asking, why doesn't he just get a different job?  You have missed a lot.  He is not the type of man that will get a job, any job, even if its one he does not like so his family can be financially secure.  He is the type of guy that only wants to take a job he thinks is easy or doesn't work with people.  Turns out he hates people.  All previous suggestions that he go work at one of the fast food joints or retail stores have not gone well.

So let me know what you think.  Should I continue with my plan to return to school or drop that to get a second job?

Whaaaa, pity parade

A bit bored and incredibly frustrated. Whoa is me. Pity party today. Don't know why that just put a big smile on my face.

My little Nick is sick again. He has a fever and cough. I am thinking about taking him to urgent care this afternoon. In between work, my doctors appointment, and my Committee meeting with Pack 293. It makes me feel guilty that I have things to do for me but very little time for him.

My baby says he is sick, I think he is just jealous because Nick is getting my attention.

I feel guilty about not writing for my blog. It just feels wrong to focus on finding a job when I am employed. It feels wrong to prepare and organize for a whole year of Cub Scouts Committee meetings. It feels so weird to do things that make me feel good about who I am and it causes a bit of guilt. I know the kids are having a hard time adjusting to my grueling schedule of exersizing, packing a lunch, Working, commuting, applying for different jobs, interviewing once or twice a week. They are accustom to Mommy playing and taking them the places. I gotta admit I miss the playing a lot.

So I guess it is mostly some crazy super mom complex that I am suffering from. I suppose most moms suffer from this from time to time. Then their is the ADHD portion of me that just can't be satisfied with what I have accomplished or finish an uninteresting task. If every moment is not jam packed with some crazy to-do list I feel useless and unfulfilled.

It's that crazy drive that is make me insane at work. I find myself incapable of just doing my job, just dialing and booking windshield appointments. I find myself needing to fill the time in between dials as the phone rings. I have filled it by researching cost, looking at job listings, re-writing a resume, typing this blog and generally not sitting still. What have I learned since taking this job? That I need some job that is either physically or mentally demanding. I simply can't deal with an easy job, I need constant challenge and stimulation. Yes, it's simply crazy, I need difficult work. Worse it has nothing to do with pay or commuting distance, it's simply I can't stand being bored.

On another subject for my pity parade; the house is almost ours, mine. Another smile on my face. Hoping to hear about the second mortgage soon so we can finalize it all. I have a ton of fears on this, like will we qualify for the better VA home loan? Will we have enough cash to get into the other Vha loan if we don't get the Va loan? Will the bank approve the second home loan? What do I do once we get the house? What about furniture? How will Nick handle this?

And then why can't I master Spanish? I already figured out that I can not practice Spanish tapes in the car, I nearly rear-ended 2 cars in traffic! Oh right, I never get time alone to practice, and I am too self conscience to practice it out loud when the kids are awake, and to tired by the time they go to sleep. I know just get over it and do it in front of the kids! I just feel weird about it, like who your kid walks in while your getting it on.

So I guess I need to clean all he shit up since the parade is over. Thanks for not judging.

presto, its all done, and not started yet

So the pile of papers turned into a rejection letter.  Bummer, but not surprised.  Unfortunately, Social Services steps require one to apply even when they don't think they need it or even want it.  I admit it would have been nice to have a bit of extra income.

Since then, I found a job.  An awful one at that!  I am still waiting for the temp agency to let me know when the position at the better paying job starts.  I wonder if I am being strung along for this silly job that has not started.  I postponed my commission with the other Insurance Company because it really doesn't make sense to have it yet.

I am intensely worried about the purchase of our home.  I wonder if having a job will actually qualify us for the better VA home loan or if this is just a fools chase.  I know that short sales take a long time to process, and the closer we get to the end of the school year, the more worried I get.  I want that house.  I think it is the right place to go.  But if it doesn't happen soon I think our down payment and closing cost will be gone.

The last two weeks has been spent feverishly seeking jobs, I have no interest in keeping longer than this summer, and thinking about what it is I do want.  I have learned sitting at a desk staring at a computer hour after hour is not something I want.  Neither is telemarketing of any kind, at least not if that is the only task.  I want to see people.  I like face time.  I also want to be involved in my community.  I am enjoying Cub Scouts and think it is not all that bad of a gig, even if it does not pay cash.  It is analytical, involves face time, involves multiple locations and changing activities, has lots of research and creative thinking.  It is all around a great job, it just does not pay.  So I need to re-write my resume.  My resume just does not show what I can do, or how much I love doing it!

I have also spent the last week chasing around children covered in Pink Eye germs.  It is quite gross!  First one then the other eye, then the next child gets it.  I have no idea what is for dinner, the kids are at the pool with Dad and I want to take another nap!

It is Daddy's birthday this weekend, so wish me luck.  Hoping the nice mortgage lady tells me what I want to hear this week, and that I finally get word on the better paying gig, or get a new better gig all around!  Of course My dirty brain has been crusing the links on Craigslist.org thinking well I could do that.  Yeah, I know I won't not because I value myself that much, but because if I did I don't think I would be welcome in the Cub Scouts as a Chair Person/Leader.  Just dirty minds thinking how much fun it might have been to be young, stupid and in great physical shape.

A question. What would you do?

What to say... I am stressed again.  It's a never ending roller coaster of self-doubt and optimist hope about the future.

Right now I have a case of the I don't want to do anything.  I am content doing nothing but surfing the internet and reading books while I avoid making any decisions.  The list of I need to's, was getting shorter but has started to grow again.  The list of I want to's has begun to befuddle me.  My list of want to's reminds me of an episode of 'Hoarders' where the stuff is about to bury alive the occupants.   Grr...

A slight bit of frustration regarding my inability to make a decision presides over me.  It should be easy.  For heaven sakes just do a SWOT analysis, that is what my brain shouts when I am driving and need to be somewhere on-time.  WIth no time to stop and start a SWOT my brain quickly forgets something important that should be done and needs to be a priority.  Grr....

So I was at the grocery store and I used one of those self check out machines.  I needed cash so I could pay the electric bill.  I selected $40 and retrieved if from the machine to find $50.  I counted it three times, I double checked my receipt, then I asked the supervising cashier to count it.  Sure, enough there was $50.  I gave it to her and said that someone either forgot to pick up their $10.00 or the machine gave me extra money.  Should I have kept it?  And why weren't the kids their to see me doing the right thing? Oh, right it was like 9:30 at night and I was there for milk, bread, and beer.
So, I get where I am going and the questions I need answered aren't fully taken care of.  I get the first and the second question out and then I am suddenly overwhelmed by the need to take in the information and answer the questions it now poses.

On the new job front:  I have serious doubts about the place I am working at.  I have some doubts about my abilities which I think only come from the place I am at.  I still think I can be a great success in Sales, err, insurance sales.  I think I have the natural ability to look and see problems, unfortunately I don't know how to answer them all, and the follow up on questions that can't be answered today is a bit poor.  Boorish!  It bothers me that I forget to follow up with people, or fail to be loud and persistent enough to get all the answers right away.  Which suddenly reminds me about a section in a book I was reading called "is it You, Me or Adult A.D.D.?"that people with ADHD seem to have two different ways of prioritizing; Now and Not Now.  Unfortunately, I am beginning to see that pattern, things are either immediately important and I must hurry and do it right now; everything else falls away when this happens.  Things like the laundry don't get started or finished, books are suddenly left on the floor as I go to answer the phone, or read some Facebook message.  If it doesn't need to be done right now, I usually forget about it.  Like when I have known for weeks about a doctors appointment and keep repeating the date and time, the day finally comes and the time arrives and I am doing something else that needs to be done right now, like buy some ice cream sundaes.

Logic says that I shouldn't be doing that.  But somehow my brain has completely forgotten about that thing it was repeating for weeks at the time its needed.

Oh, back to the doubts about where I am a contracted Insurance agent.  So I took this job, mostly because it sounds really interesting, involves constant changing scenery, meeting new people, and a wild and extravagant lifestyle that seems achievable with it.  But my doubts arise from the fact that the office management, while veterans, they are not veterans with the company.  The result is many questions go unanswered or are superficially answered.  The office is also all married men with stay at home brides.  Which has worked to their great advantage.  Their wife is home taking care of paying the bills, waiting for the plumber, and carting the kids every which way they need, while they are able to focus 100% on the job every day they work.  This has lead to a severe deficiency in our ability to relate to each other when talking about efforts to grow our individual books of business.  Bummer, when you boss tells you that you need to make more dials, more appointments and be available for your new clients even on Cub Scout nights and Saturday when you were really busy washing the laundry, grocery shopping, taking the kids to the library, potty training the 2 year old and somehow getting the toilet cleaned.  Worse still the 2 Field Trainers that were charged with showing me how to be a successful insurance agent, suddenly quit.  Bad right?  Well, they then badder still the boss men were too busy doing things that did not focus on me, err, the new hirers, and we were basically left to try and figure it out on our own.  What did they do to mend this terrible situation?  They promoted a man who has been with the company for about 7 months to trainer and another who has just 4 weeks more time at the company.


So my bosses don't relate to being the chief parent/mom, they don't satisfy my questions with complete answers, they fail to take us on appointments to show us how this job is to be done, they promote people with no experience to trainers, and even worse they hired a new crop that also need the same limited resource I do, them.  I am sure they also plan on hiring another class to start next month too, which just makes it seem like a bad thing.

To be clear, as of this moment I have not quit.  Though I admit I have taken a 2 day sabbatical to evaluate this place.  But I did look at a competitor that seems to be in a better position to facilitate my learning experience and build an actual career as an Insurance Sales person.  I also began searching the job sites today to see what other options I might have.  It does kinda feel nice to have my biggest problems being that my ring is in danger of falling off, my clothes are too big and I can choose where I commit to work.  Oh, I am also thinking about taking a seasonal job doing taxes in addition to insurance sales.  So, What would you do?  Would you take the job with the other company that seems better able to answer your questions and train you for success or would you wait it out and see if someone suddenly becomes successful where you are so you can emulate them?

On the move...as fast as molasses in Phoenix

Wow. It is so easy for me to be frustrated and overwhelmed right now! I am learning and growing, sometimes at what seems light speed, then you hit your proverbial platue, which right now seems more like trying to climb the Great Wall of China.

I studied like crazy and passed my AZ Life and Health Insurance License Exam. (Bragging right here: I did better than most of the adults in my initial orientation class that I attended on Friday.) :) It was very nice. However, all the adults in the orientation class, and I say adults because I was a kid, by at least 10 years, okay maybe 5, but many of them were at least 45 and male; but they have been working for at least 2 weeks on passing Online courses required to begin selling insurance with Bankers. Still glad I passed my test. A bit frightened that I seem to be so much younger than my new co-workers.

Orientation Class was literally 4 hours after I passed my exams, and the office was very enthusiastic and warm about meeting the first major milestone. I like that. An office were people are allowed to be friendly and open. How many places do you know where your new co-workers will congratulate you with a smile, hand shake and even a great big pat on the back? Most places any physical contact is just plain against company policy. So orientation class gave me a great big box of things to read, learn and prepare with for my first week of training, which begins on Monday. And it is a whopper of a week! The training program for the first week looks intense.

That is a bit overwhelming. But I have a family friend that will be helping us get onto our feet for the next few weeks. My friend, my Aunt Vivian will watch my kids for ridiculously low sums of money up front. Which is a big help, though I feel awful about not having an appropriate sum of cash to give her immediately. So, eventually I will give her what child care pays for 3 kids all day, It will just probably take me 2-3 months to finish paying here. Definitely disappointing.

Still overwhelming is the number of things that need to be done, but haven't been done since I started looking for full-time work that will actually pay our bills and get us off of welfare. I still need to clean the bathrooms, wash more laundry and well dust. We all keep sneezing, and that dogs are just plain filthy. I really should wash them before I clean the tub.

On to what is so dang frustrating. I was told during Orientation that I would be provided with a user name and password to access my online training materials and so I could spend some time playing "Catch Up" and finish the things I need to get done so I can actually go meet customers. I didn't get my email. Annoying, yes, possibly a set back of a day or three, another yes. Avoidable, unknown. I know that it was Friday and who doesn't want to leave on time on a Friday night, so maybe they typed my email address wrong and didn't notice, or maybe things that generate income needed to be done first and time just ran out.

So what did I do instead? Well, Friday I spent time with my husband, just sitting. Saturday, I got my FBI fingerprint card done, and then listened to an Audio Book called: God is a Salesman, by Mark Stevens. Funny title. I checked the book out of the library without knowing what it was about. Okay, I know the title says Sales, but that was not really what it was about. It was more about relationships, long-term relationships, Christianity, God, happiness and something University of Phoenix calls the Platinum Rule. The audio book is short. It is only 3.5 hours so I finished it in a day. I like the book, I think Mark Stevens has gotten it right. God can teach you how to sell. I mean God can teach you to treat people the way they ought to be, and you to act the way you should. The book was a bit about you ought to not settle for doing your best, but being exceptional and giving people the respect, time, investment and generosity they deserve. The main moral of this story was that people deserve no less than your pure acceptance and full and unbridled generosity. Similar to the lesson that is taught by Mr. Keith Ferrazzi in Never Eat Alone, is that if you give to people without accepting something of equal value in return, you will receive more given to you than you ever "paid out".

So based on my personal belief and what I have read, the cut throat sales approach that involves closing, so often declared the way by greedy corporations is just not what works, not for me and not for really successful and happy people. So when I worked for University of Phoenix, I always wanted to be open, honest, and help in every way imaginable to my students, and I did. I helped new students cope with anxiety, work on finding a way to balance work-family-education so they could be what they needed and wanted to those around them. No that was not accepted by my corporation, and I know my immediate supervisor was torn by doing what was "right" with what the company wanted. Troubling, made for a bad experience, no person, or boss should ever have their hands tied in way that favors immediate gains, while sacrificing the long-term relationship. Never understood that why University of Phoenix encouraged immediate gains at the cost of a longer-term business relationship-which actually is much more profitable.



Treat people they way they need to be. Guarantee people that their trust is not misguided, that you will always watch their back, the same way you would your kid brother. Guarantee that not only will you do your best, but you will go above and beyond what we have come to accept as acceptable customer service, and do it the way you know it should be.

conundrum

first I should say I ate some bad ravioli this morning and threw it up. Gross. I called Chef Boyardee and told them I thought that it made me sick. They apologized.

I found a job yesterday. Not the traditional here is your paycheck type of job. Insurance sales. Actually sounds a lot like my dream job. Don't stay in the office, get to go out and see customers, potential to make lots of cash. Advancement opportunity. the option to grow into additional products to increase money earned. Flexible hours. But the rest is all hard work. You must rely on yourself, there is no guaranteed paycheck from the company, just commissions for business closed.

This morning I received a call back from quicken loans, but I was too sick to answer the call. It sounded potentially good. Possibility that I may weigh two jobs and have a choice about how much risk I want to take to earn some income for my household.

Also kinda stressed, as this is the last week my husband will have a paycheck. So what little money we have left in our savings account will go to pay rent and buy some gas for the car. What will we do when it runs out? No idea. My Mom is out of town as of today so if we need serious amounts of cash to keep the gas tank full or the car dies, I haven't a clue as to how we will fill that need. Scary.

So do I study for the license I need to sell insurance or do I wait for Pamela Smith from Quicken Loans to call me back again. We all know how much fun phone tag is, so maybe I will send her a quick email. Perhaps she is busy, and maybe she has good news that will create the conundrum all job seekers want: having to tell someone no, I took another offer.

Dark Circles

Tired? Bored? What is the difference? Both lead to slacking off and then that overwhelming need to rush due to procrastination.

Still looking for a job. Bored took career test on Careerbuilder.com Told me the obvious: "You're a CREATOR" Of course I am! It also says I am an "Organizer". Well duh, anyone that buys an App so they can take inventory of their kitchen and household cleaning things must be an Organizer. Really! You read that right, I have an anal retentive app that allows me to track the cans of Red Beans in my pantry.

That is the best I could get! Info I already know. I know I have taken jobs that are not in my strengths. I know I need a job that allows me to be impulsive, tact-less, intuitive and emotional. Yes I need a job that allows me to do something that has precision and planning. I am good at it. That is what makes me so great at sales. I am candid, rational and irrational at the same time. I sell people things based on the emotional need, that is probably why I was such a good counselor at UOP, I could relate, (they call that empathy, and yeah I got that). And I understand organization, AKA commissions structures, data entry that gets me more and I seem to be accurate with customer orders and a stickler for rules and regulations- (yes, I know that is a contradiction to impulsiveness, but I promise you can be a contradiction and still be fun to work with).

So, the desperate search continues... I submitted an Ad on Facebook and Google Adsense to help get me Hired. Yeah, I have no money, but no one said you couldn't risk it all to get dollar bills.

So tired, yet I danced and sung out loud. I embarrassed my kids, and I was in my own home. Felt good.