Feeling un-accomplished

Well welcome!

 It's Tuesday and I said I would write a blog and post the Vlog each week. So here I am. Cranky.

I think I have heartburn. My kids didn't want to be in the kitchen with me today because I was so full of stinky farts!!!

THE DAY PLANNED

I had a bunch of stuff I was planning or rather mulling over doing today. That would benefit my clients. But instead, I took a nap! Then did all the following to not work on 'Work'.  Wrote a landing page, signed up for affiliate marketing links, scrolled aimlessly at Facebook, created a LinkedIn Ad for myself, but not my clients, photoshopped a clip art so that the little girl would have black hair like me,
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made enough black bean stew for 2 weeks, re-applied my lipstick like 6 times, ate my kitten's weight in tortilla chips and guacamole.

Other Things I did

 Made this vlog post and wrote this weeks blog to compliment it, I also explored my next steps for Facebook Instant Articles set up- which is super technical, adding in Facebook Ad Network to the business blog, not this blog that will feed the Instant Articles, went to the grocery store because I was out of chicken breast and my kid wanted that instead of spaghetti and marinara sauce, checked the mail, checked my emails, opened the mail, sorted the mail, verified the Google My Business, I still don't know what that is! Played with the cat, watched the kids clean the kitchen, from a safe no fart zone, took a shower...I think, sat in front of my computer typed a bunch but feel like I got nowhere.

But You Did So Many Worthwhile Things!!!

AGH, this is the problem with ADHD. There are too many worthwhile things. All the things I did move me closer to one goal or another goal which is cool. Unfortunately, none of the things I did today move my client's projects closer to being finished. Which sucks! Agh, why couldn't I stick with the plan? Why didn't I just do the things that were actually on my list. The truth is we may never know, kinda like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

THE AWAITED VLOG

Here is my very long Vlog for today. A lot of things happened in the last 7 days. Some were stressful, some are weird, others were downright uncomfortable. Believe it or not, most of them are not even mentioned in today's blog, the written portion.  My kitten is tired and he keeps chasing the cursor on my monitor as I type and while it is normally adorable, tonight I am finding it repulsive. 

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Courage and wtf. My mom takes his side?!

Have you ever woke up to the sound of your own sobs?

My pillow was soaked. I don't know how long I had been crying in my sleep. I just find it strange.

I visited my mothers house today. But only because I had too leave my son with her do I could go to my Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. I got an ear lashing! It wasn't t fair and it wasn't right. She was already angry before I got there and had decided I was simply holding a grudge against my estranged husband. I knew after Saturday that she didn't truly understand what has been happening in this house over the years. And today I learned she just doesn't want to believe I can decide that enough had gone wrong. She demanded I just decide right now and get a divorce! Suddenly, she went from you shouldn't get a divorce to I must hurry up and do it right now.

She made excuses for him. She tried to justify bad behavior. She flat out can't accept indecision on my behalf. I got screamed at for having the audacity to ask my husband "why, now?" it's a perfectly fair question when someone tells you they are considering joining he Reserves. Apparently I am not entitled to learn that information about my husbands plans. I say shouldn't a wife know why you want to enlist, why separated service in he first place and why now is a good time to re-enlist? My husband called me a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down via text message. He's angry because I asked the same question the recruiter will ask. Why he immediately decided I was being vindictive is beyond me. Could he not have simply asked why I was so rude or called instead of telling me I was a bitch? Having two against one is not fair!

She didn't care that he should have handled his anger differently. She had no idea what had happened on Saturday. She didn't care that I thought I was given a glimmer of hope when he said he would go to church with his family. She didn't know he didn't like the first marriage advice book I had gotten on the kindle. She didn't know i had gotten him a different book with a very different plan. She just knew I was vindictive because I asked a question after he asked to know my thoughts. She seemed to assume that me asking a question about why now, why not then was me saying he couldn't go back. She didn't care that I was not going to stop him from re-enlisting or not. It is ultimately his choice. I just want to know what every wife and best friend should know when you begin making life altering decisions for your family.

I went to my appointment and feel good for doing so. I feel like I may be able to get real career guidance and positive support. I know that the process is very long. I was there because when I look back over my speckled career path, I can clearly see how ADHD impacted its path. I understand that I had issues that could have been mitigated and that i might be happily employed at one of my previous employers. I hope that the agency can guide me to career stability. Maybe they will be able timely me improve the financial situation of my kids. I also felt that I was supposed to meet the counselor. She has been where I am in my marriage and knows what it takes to say I need to protect my kids from this bad environment and save myself. We talked about God and what I have seen in regards to my husband and God. I told her he doesn't attend church, that in nine years I only remember him going with me once. I know he knows the bible well. A few weeks ago he corrected me when I pronounced a name incorrectly when reading a passage to my oldest son. I know he knows the bible better than I do, afterall he was an alter boy in the catholic church I just don't know anything about why he doesn't want to go or be religious. We talked about some of the more disturbing things that have happened in my house. I was caught a little off guard when she told me that I could go to jail for letting him do those things, not just him. So there is a lot of things that need to be fixed that I wasn't even aware of. I now know that the pastor at CCV was right when he said I should pray for courage. I will need the courage to make sure those bad things are not allowed to happen to me or my kids ever again. Pray for courage to do what God needs done.

It will not be easy. But I will pray for the courage to do it.



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