Feeling un-accomplished

Well welcome!

 It's Tuesday and I said I would write a blog and post the Vlog each week. So here I am. Cranky.

I think I have heartburn. My kids didn't want to be in the kitchen with me today because I was so full of stinky farts!!!

THE DAY PLANNED

I had a bunch of stuff I was planning or rather mulling over doing today. That would benefit my clients. But instead, I took a nap! Then did all the following to not work on 'Work'.  Wrote a landing page, signed up for affiliate marketing links, scrolled aimlessly at Facebook, created a LinkedIn Ad for myself, but not my clients, photoshopped a clip art so that the little girl would have black hair like me,
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made enough black bean stew for 2 weeks, re-applied my lipstick like 6 times, ate my kitten's weight in tortilla chips and guacamole.

Other Things I did

 Made this vlog post and wrote this weeks blog to compliment it, I also explored my next steps for Facebook Instant Articles set up- which is super technical, adding in Facebook Ad Network to the business blog, not this blog that will feed the Instant Articles, went to the grocery store because I was out of chicken breast and my kid wanted that instead of spaghetti and marinara sauce, checked the mail, checked my emails, opened the mail, sorted the mail, verified the Google My Business, I still don't know what that is! Played with the cat, watched the kids clean the kitchen, from a safe no fart zone, took a shower...I think, sat in front of my computer typed a bunch but feel like I got nowhere.

But You Did So Many Worthwhile Things!!!

AGH, this is the problem with ADHD. There are too many worthwhile things. All the things I did move me closer to one goal or another goal which is cool. Unfortunately, none of the things I did today move my client's projects closer to being finished. Which sucks! Agh, why couldn't I stick with the plan? Why didn't I just do the things that were actually on my list. The truth is we may never know, kinda like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

THE AWAITED VLOG

Here is my very long Vlog for today. A lot of things happened in the last 7 days. Some were stressful, some are weird, others were downright uncomfortable. Believe it or not, most of them are not even mentioned in today's blog, the written portion.  My kitten is tired and he keeps chasing the cursor on my monitor as I type and while it is normally adorable, tonight I am finding it repulsive. 

View on Facebook:

View on YouTube: 

Happy 2019!

Happy 2019!

I've had it with 2018! It was painful in so many ways.  First, it started with the recovery from a heart attack, well 2, and unemployment as a result. Though I did have a 'side-hustle'. Recovery from a heart attack is about 30% physical and 70% mental. I've heard of people who had no choice but to return to full-time employment just days or weeks after a myocardial infarction or heart attack and I see that after that they don't "recover". They stay in survival mode and typically get sicker and sicker as the years go by. In large part, because they didn't have time to reflect on what went so wrong and how to fix the damage that had been done. Like I said its 70% mental.

My recovery has been difficult. I did not do well on a medication called atorvastatin. I thought my ADHD was getting worse or that I was just stressed out from the incident. But when I couldn't carry on a conversation or remember the sentence I had just read, I complained. I wasn't listened too. When I was I couldn't remember what the instructions were. Hahaha. It was terrible. Eventually, I had leg pain, this burning, tingling, needling sensation that would not stop. It got to the point where walking from the bed to the bathroom was an endurance event. When I reported that symptom the cardiologist immediately took me off the atorvastatin and wanted me to take another similar 'statin' medication. I refused. He's really not happy about that. Neither is my Family Doctor. But Life needs to be enjoyable not just "longer" as he claims. Though the scientific studies show it only extends the life of a heart attack survivor by 5 days. I'd like those days to be pain-free. 

In addition, I had my Mother living with me for all of 2018. I don't know if you realize this but mothers and daughters should not live together as adults. It is awful. It is confusing. It is not something I recommend to anyone that can avoid it. While I love my Mom, I never want to live with her in the room next door to me, at least not for as long as she is working her bizarre 2am - 11am+ schedule. She requires absolute silence! I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, and 4 cats. Silence isn't something we are capable of delivering. Some days she would get home shortly after 11am and I would be required to "be QUIET" so she could nap. That meant my 'side-hustle' could not be done because I "talk too loud" according to my mother. It also meant things like dishes couldn't be done because the clanging of the dishes was too loud as was the dishwasher. No yard work, not that I really wanted too, but it was out. All the organizing and hanging up of pictures or moving furniture so you could de-clutter the house was also out. I may have ADHD but I HATE clutter. Agh. It was everywhere. Maybe a touch OCD about the clutter. Everything must have a home in my home or I throw it out. Kids hate that. :)

I know what you're thinking...why just not do all the things before she returns home? Well, the woman never communicated what time she would be home. And when she was home she would stuff herself into her 'bedroom' lock the door and turn the TV on to CNN. She called that napping. But I was required to keep the place quiet until the kids went to sleep because shortly after her 'nap' was her 'bedtime'. Do you know how difficult it is to keep silent while cooking dinner?

Just to make things more inconvenient the Washer and Dryer were located in her room. But as all children know you can't go into your parents' room. So I couldn't wash clothing at will. I had to wait for her to do it, then listen to her complain about it. Now I had an answer, we could go explore the front closet in the living room where the previous owner claimed the original laundry room was. But I couldn't do it because if I got caught doing something 'difficult' like removing a false wall panel and testing the outlet and water supply there would be lots of words from her on how I needed to take it easy because I had had a heart attack and she didn't want me to die. Yea guilt trip. So she did the laundry, then complained about doing it, but complained more if I went into her room to do the laundry before she came home.

So now she is gone from the house. And I need to find a way to quickly cover the expense of the mortgage. SO her absence is both a blessing and a bit of a challenge. My side hustle with my partners is in shambles. That's a story for another day, maybe another or two I have. Anyway's I am making my own side hustle. I am going to restart my old business Binary Digital Media. I am working on the business plan so stay tuned for what that turns into. Maybe websites, maybe websites and social media, who knows. I've got until the weekend to figure that out and update my old website http://www.binarydigitalmedia.com. I have a potential website client, that was referred to me by a friend so I may have a few hundred dollars coming in this month. I have to work on the household budget too, see what I can do to make it all work in 2019.

Glad to leave all that crazy in 2018 and tidying the house after my mom left was a nice stress reliever.

Think you're having a bad week?

At the moment I am numb again.

Secret disclosing time: I think about death a lot.  I think it goes well with anxiety disorders.

Death is a secret obsessions of mine. How we die. What happens when we cease to be alive. Long ago I concluded that we simply continue on, call it heaven if you want, but science tells us that the electrical energy we contain never leaves the Universe it simple converts to another form. I find those thoughts comforting in times like these.


Tuesday, I lost a Great Aunt. She was nice. She was family. She'd lived a life full of love and passion for us children. She made great mexican dishes. I rarely saw her. I am very distant with my family. I was a bit sad. I cried a little, alone, away from prying eyes. My family is crazy. You could say mental health disorders run in the family, so I am a little bit crazy too. The post on Facebook are drama filled. The kind of drama that makes you want to reach through the screen and slap someone.


But I held it together.


Wednesday was the last day I saw him. He looked tired. He held the door for me and we exchanged the usual glance, and he said, "after you". I said, thanks in that awkward and obligatory fashion I normally do. The day ended and both our lives went on. I went to sleep, a bit worse for wear.


Thursday, running late, again. But hey, I've got ADHD and it's par for the course. I put my sunglasses on and started for work. I pulled on the sun visor as I hit the freeway heading east, only to have it snap and land in my lap. Frustrating, yes. I continued on with the morning sunrise blinding me as I sped to work.


Thursday was the day of my big interview for a special managerial internship. But I had a full 6 hours or more of work to do first. I worked at that feverish pace common to my line of work marketing management, where every client has a crisis needing to be solved immediately. I often joke in the office about how life and death is happening because of the ads we run. I've not heard him say "Morning" or "Afternoon" in that normal competition with Marco. He must have stayed home sick. Perhaps his cat, Bam of 16 years finally passed. I'll check on that after my interview.


I scurried to my car, asked Siri to get me directions to the other campus. A few of my other colleagues are waiting when I arrive, we chat as we all wait for the opportunity to interview for the internship.


Okay, my turn.


First question, "Why do you want to be a sales manager?"


"I don't want to be a sales manager." Gasps of confusion and horror fill the interview room as 6 confused c-level managers grapple with my answer. Lots of follow up questions for clarification go on about the room. It ends quite quickly after that.


I held myself together. I wished my fellow co-workers good luck. I walked to my car fully composed. I started the car, tried to pull the sun visor down as I prepared to leave my parking spot. It wasn't there. I lost my it and started sobbing. I can't breath. My chest tightens and overwhelming anxiety sets in about what my boss and boss's boss are going to think after recommending me for this internship. I am in the car. I am driving. I do mundane things, like get gas. Sob. I go return left over items from a fundraiser. I see a friend in this familiar parking lot. We share the same birthday, so we always talk. I hide in my car, afraid I will cry again if she asks me how my day is today.


I finish my errand and begin the long grueling commute home in rush hour traffic. I arrive home safe. My kids are with my ex for the night. I don't cry when I tell my roommate, my aunt about my bad interview.


I water the garden, some of that anxiety from the failed interview and what others will think of me creeps in. I get itchy everywhere very suddenly. I try not to scratch. I search the medicine cabinet for children's Benedryl and guzzle it down. I sleep.


It's Friday. I oversleep. Crap. I need to shower for work. I have plans tonight to drink and see a movie with old co-workers. I put on the silly red polkadot dress. The one everyone says reminds them of Minnie Mouse. I am in the car heading east at sunrise again. Damn it, the sun visor is still on the floor, broken. Aggravating. I arrive at work. I put on that smile that I use to hid the inner fear and loathing. I say the normal hellos, today with the overly confident and chipper voice.


Then Craig, a co-worker tells me.


I tell him he is mistaken. His cat was sick, not him. Besides Mike is only 34, we share the same birthday. He is my other birthday twin. We were cubical mates and he helped me cope with the stress of divorce and custody rights. He helped me ensure it was balanced so my kids would still have a Dad, because his son was so important to him. Mike is not dead.


I sit at my desk. I open my newsfeed. There it is, an announcement pinned to the work group stating clear as day, Mike has died suddenly in his sleep. I am certain I can deal with this. I try to work. Then I hear someone crying, sobbing. A few more join in. I am suddenly holding my breath trying to keep myself together. Then it happens. My own tears flow. It's happening all around me.


I'll gain my composure a few times today. I'll hear my boss's boss tell us we can deal with this how me need to, work if we need to, leave if we want. We are a family. I decide to work. I fail miserably at trying to work.


I was not Mike's best friend. He was not my best friend. He was a great friend. He was the guy you count on to hear your story. He was the guy who told you his. The guy that made you feel like you were significant. The one that would give you a hug if you were in need. Mike was the one who would give you anything, a few dollars, a drink, a meal, a moment of his time. He is so young. It doesn't make sense. How could a guy like Mike who gave so freely love and passion to all he met, just die? That last tired smile as he held the door that was the last moment. His Facebook wall is filled with condolences and fond memories of shared by everyone he loved. No crazy drama posts, like with my family.


I'll try to sleep. I'll say my prayers and hope I wake again. I'm grateful for the chance to have known you Mike. I wish I hadn't taken you for granted while you were among us.

Covered in lint

Well I am.  I have a nice new shirt.  I have 3 dogs and 3 cats.  I can't find a fucking lint roller because my 5-year-old thinks it's a toy.

No one wants to be around me because I am angry.  No one wants to allow me some time to be angry.  I just finished my divorce.  I was married to a guy that never wanted to be with me.  He seems to have married me because "it was the right thing to do".  It never was, I wanted a partner, someone to lift me up, not put me down.  I should be angry for not getting a divorce sooner.

Why can't I be angry?

It's not like he has lived up to his end of the divorce. He's not paying child support. I am angry about that!  The 'system' that is supposed to ensure the children are financially cared for is broken.  I am angry that I can't just give the contact information to the court to have them notify his employer.  It fucking sucks!  I know where he works.  I know the address. But he wants to skip out on it and there is nothing I can do that will make the 'system' work.

NO, money to hire a lawyer to handle it for me.

NO one to help me hold the tears in when I have to tell the kids, no we can't get that.  Sorry kids we can't afford desert after Scouts tonight.  How is that fair or right when he is taking a vacation?  No he's not taking the kids.

And I look at my shirt and cry because it's covered in lint. Trapped.

Ummm... Great! Oh help me please...?

Okay so now I am the only adult working in my house.  I gotta say that was not something I was expecting.  I was hoping my husband would suck it up and stay where he was, but instead they fired him.  It was not a surprise.  He was just a seasonal employee.  But it is a bummer.

Just as things were financially starting to stabilize, I am back to the oh shit.  How do we pay for that or the other thing.  We just bought this house.  Err... Excuse me while I panic.  Now I need to cancel my private employer insurance that I just got because well, we can't afford it and the state of Arizona says we are poor enough to qualify for state medicaid.  I was so excited to have my own insurance start this week.  I hope I can cancel it.  I mean its a life change right?

I also now regret ordering a Valentines Day Gift.  Damn, now we definitely can't afford it.  Shit it already shipped.  Yes I am still panicking!

So what do I do?  Should I get a second job?  A better paying gig?  I like the new gig.  I mean how many people can say that they got a chance to work for Facebook's Marketing Team?  Its a great opportunity for me to learn about Social Media and marketing in general.  Yes I thought I knew everything about Facebook.  Now I know I didn't know shit about it.

I was planning on going back to school with the help of my Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor, which I finally get an appointment with later this month.  I managed to get my Mom to agree to help me with my school debt so I can go back to classes later too.  I also wanted to take a class at the Community College to work with Adobe Suite Software and learn more about the graphic side of advertising.  Though that would be awesome and fun.  But now I am panicking....  Do I continue with my plan to go back to school and learn more about Marketing or do I look for a second job so we can get off Government Assistant.

For those of you asking, why doesn't he just get a different job?  You have missed a lot.  He is not the type of man that will get a job, any job, even if its one he does not like so his family can be financially secure.  He is the type of guy that only wants to take a job he thinks is easy or doesn't work with people.  Turns out he hates people.  All previous suggestions that he go work at one of the fast food joints or retail stores have not gone well.

So let me know what you think.  Should I continue with my plan to return to school or drop that to get a second job?

a mistake on the calendar and a call to the fire department

So the first month of 2013 went out with a Bang.

Quite literally.  It was a Thursday Night and I was rushing myself to Desert Ridge Shopping center in North Phoenix to meet a fellow Scouter.  I was enjoying weird self, listening to Talk Radio KTAR talk about the craziness of a lunatic who shot 3 people in Phoenix earlier in the week.  I swerved to narrowly miss a piece of re-bar I saw in the road.  Life was going completely normal.

I turn into the shopping center and suddenly my car gets super rough and stalls out.  "WTF!" I say to myself as a stare helplessly at the dashboard.  I ferociously turn the ignition trying to get my precious Jetta out of the way of incoming traffic as I block the entire driveway at rush hour.  Lots of swear words are now rushing to my mind as I start to panic, "Oh, no, I am going to get hit!"  Then the smell hits me, the awful, and frightening odor of gasoline.  The engine turns, I make it another 30ft and block an entire lane of traffic.

Great! Now what do I do?  Besides swear alot?  I got out for a brief moment and see the front of my car has fuel pouring onto the ground.  I am all alone.  I mean there are hundreds of passerby's every minute, but no one stops.  I am all alone, I call my husband, first time he has answered the phone in months.  He says call  triple A.  Unfortunately, we are too broke to actually afford triple A, it was cancelled.

I call my friend to see if maybe he can help me move the car out of the way of incoming traffic.  "What?!! Our car pool date to Mesa is next Thurday!"  Crap, all alone again.  I reached in my glove box.  I called my auto insurance company's road side service.  She says I am NOT covered.  Bummer.  She asks again what fluid is leaking from my car.  "Gasoline", I say again.

This flips some panic switch on her end.  She tells me she needs to call 9-1-1 to make sure everything is safe.  Now I am embarrassed.  I begin to blush and she pulls the Phoenix Dispatch Center on the line.  I reluctantly tell them where I am, after all safety is important, right?

Farmers transferred me to a claims adjuster because they begin to think the same thing I do, maybe I did not miss that re-bar after all.  Grr...  I call my husband.  He comes to my rescue, and drives me home.  The Farmers company sends a tow and we all go to sleep kinda.

To buy or not to buy?

It sounds like an easy answer, just buy a house.  Lately, I have been having doubts.  I keep wondering why would buying a house right now be bad?  Should we wait?  Is there good advice on what the best course of action is?  Didn't I read about what the right thing to do is in a book called the Two Income Trap?  I am sure I did.  I just don't know.  Worse, my husband is willing to go any way I suggest without letting me know if he has concerns...  He hasn't even been blown away by listing from the Internet either. 

Oh, no my grumpy, fat, neighbor is not dead.  I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part. 

So I have looked and guessed based on information on the Internet about how much we could afford and if we would qualify.  The answers are we will qualify, but not until March 11, 2012-exactly 2 years and 1 day since our Chapter 7 Bankruptcy was finalized, and maybe as much as $100,000 for a home loan. I know we can qualify.  I know we need to wait about 60 days from today.  I know that homes with 3 or 4 bedrooms exist in my current neighborhood for less than $100K, but not in my kids school boundaries!  I know that this neighborhood lacks bus transportation, and is far from all my friends, and the majority of my dysfunctional extended family.  I also know that the location is close to entertainment, dinning, and of course the freeway. 

What I don't know is if this is a good thing to do right now.  Should we wait another year?  Should we pay off all the credit card debt with our tax refund instead of using it as a down payment on a home?  If we pay off all the outstanding Credit Card Debt and the $5,000 I owe to University of Phoenix, I can go back to school.  And maybe finish my degree this time around.  But we would not have a house.  We would be stuck in the same 900SQFT apartment that we are outgrowing!  I have no space for an office, or quiet space to run and hide to when I have a bad day.  Now if you think the loo is a good quiet place you obviously do not have little kids!  Worse we have all three boys in the same bedroom. 

The same 3 boys that were spoiled last month for Christmas have little space to play on the floor.  As a result we find them playing in the living room, the kitchen, Mom and Dad's room, the bathrooms, the walk-in closets and outside on the patio.  Their room is difficult to keep clean, mostly because everything needs a place and many times those things are sharing overcrowded shelves.  They have too many clothes. 

My husband has his desk in our Bedroom, which also triples as the workout room, sewing room, storage shed, and pantry for all those water bottles and juice boxes the kids drink.  Our storage closet outside, barely holds our Christmas tree and decorations.  Each of our bedrooms have a walk-in closet, and they are stuffed with extra things that would normally go in a garage or storage shed for long term storage. 

 I'd bet your saying...Doesn't she claim to be poor?  How on Earth can she be talking about buying a house when she has been to the food bank twice in the last 2 months?  How can someone who is on Medicaid be buying a house?  The truth is the bank account is still empty, were still on Medicaid for health insurance and still can't buy all the things the kids got for Christmas.  But I am expecting a large enough tax return that I could either pay off all the debts we now have or use it as a 10-20% down payment on a low cost house.  FYI the houses I have been looking at are listed at 50-80K. Also I am trying to work, though that seems to be extremely part-time right now.  


As you can see there are many reasons to move to a bigger location, and possibly a home of our own.  But what are the reasons this is a bad time or bad idea?  What does Dave Ramsey suggest?  Things I haven't mentioned is that is the number one thing on my wish list, the number two thing is the Neat Receipts scanner. 

And just when things seem to be going well.  A kid falls of the counter and lands face first... Though not the one you would have thought, it was the 8 year old. 

sigh

yada, yada, yada. 

Oh how I wish this thing was just connected directly to my brain.  Then it would be updated all the time.  So many things I have wanted to write about and I even had good drafts in my head, but alas, that is how ADHD works. 

What seems so simple and easy for others, like just sitting down and tying a good know for your sneakers is just not simple for us.  As you may have already guessed I am still full of self doubt and pity.  Can't seem to shake the depressed feeling or the constant overwhelming anxiety.  All the time, that constant paranoia feeling you are just doing it wrong.  Absolutely positive everyone hates you for your behavior.  No matter how you try you just can't hide that you underneath all the well meaning "yes, I can".  Somehow you just don't meet the expectations of others, let alone yourself. 

Why is it that today expectations are constantly in flux?  Shouldn't things be predictable?  I know I am not predictable!  But anyway, what is normal?  I know its not what the media reports...  Does everyone feel this way?  Does everyone have trouble remembering where they put the keys?  Or that the water boiling on the stove needs to be attended to?  Don't all parents forget to change a dirty diaper once in a while?  Or forget to feed the pets?

Everyone else seems to have it all together.  That drives me insane!!  I want to know what I want so I can go get it.  I want to remember to take the dog for a walk or do that thing I can't remember I wanted to do. Of course I will remember when I am 10 miles a way, late for what ever it is, when the baby needs to be changed from the stinky diaper and the 5 year old is screaming about how the baby hit him and the 8 year old is busy being the parent, not to mention we are in the car, so I can't possibly write it down.  So I drive repeating to myself that thing I wanted to do, repeatedly and unknowingly cutting other drivers off, screaming, "shut up!  I can't drive with all this noise", and forgetting we were going somewhere specific which we were late to, and parking the car in front of my house because I lost the garage remote again. 

So how

Do you convince a new boss that they are that tiny push over the edge and that it can be changed?  Don't know.  I didn't succeed, so instead I will have to figure out how to change so that is not the thing that pushes me over the edge.

Not sure how one explains something that is all in your head to someone who doesn't have it all in their head....  Huh.  So, new job looks like it is a perfect fit, and I still believe it really is the perfect job.  It is the job I was intended to do, I know, God has been giving me clues for years, but now I am stuck in the mire of generalized anxiety disorder and an obvious dip back into the deep end of the depression pool.  Its hard to explain what you feel when just breathing seems like an overwhelming challenge when the person you want to understand seem just so perfectly capable of handling things the world has dealt.  It does not seem like my boss is the one covered in monkey pooh.  Somehow his monkey is obedient or just has really bad aim.

So I work on my plan.  If you don't have a focus problem creating a plan on the go, that deals with long term forecasting and goal setting is probably something you can handle between phone calls, dirty diapers, parent teacher conferences, and urgent family needs.  But if you have that problem of controlling Your Elephant-read that in a book called Switch, I highly recommend people in charge of others read that, maybe you need to decided what you want the elephant to do before you get on.  So that leads me to a really long drawn out business plan, with numbers, and statements about what strengths I have; at a time when I feel like I have none.  Statements about what the future could look like with a bit of effort, you know the stuff that requires you to get off the couch, maybe answer the phone, check some emails and go out and meet some new people.  Mostly it requires me to know what I want, know what that looks like and know how I will know I have achieved that.  All a tall order, but I believe critical for me to actually do what my boss desires, a smiling productive agent that is not as stressed out as I am right now.

So, I guess this was my break.  I should get back to the process of saying what I want, so I can figure out how to get it and declare when I have succeeded.  

Ahhhhhh!

hello bereft....

would love to contact you and chat a bit on the difficulties of love and all the really important life stuff.

actually been thinking about it awhile, but an old devil called generalized anxiety has been plaguing me of late.  

I noticed that your not listed as a follower or was it registered user..?  Anyway I can't contact you because of one of those reasons.

Everyone else;

Yeah I haven't been keeping this up very well lately.  Yes, I started a new job.  I really like the job.  As I was telling bereft, this old devil I used to know has possessed me.  Things are difficult enough in general, even with out ADHD, but that whole anxiety thing is quite paralyzing.  Actually, looked at all the drugs underneath my sink and couldn't decide which one to try again, or if I should just take some benadryl, or call my family doc, or the clinic that provides the ADHD medication, which then lead me to wonder why I had an extra bottle of Adderall ER and Adderall under there.  Have I been missing the doses that often?  Did I somehow get my script filled twice?  What the hell?  Why was I freaking out 2 months ago because I was running out?  Was it always there?  I know I miss it a couple of times a month, but I take it with the birth control and the little blister pack shows only a few missed ones!?
So then their is trying to explain what an anxiety disorder is to new people, new people I work with, who instead of being helpful actually became so overwhelming that looking at emails, the ringing cell phone, that beeping text message, just made me hide; not want to hide, actually hide.  How do you explain it when their is no logic?  And then you go and screw other things up like a friendship, because your trying to express how envious you are of their situation, which they think just sucks, and make them all mad.  Dude, don't think she liked me very much or even accepted that I tried to apologize, or understood I wasn't being mean, just trying to say how very lucky she really was, because if she had experienced what I had she wouldn't think I was being condescending, or whatever she thought.  Gees, this sucks.  How do you explain that to people?  How do you apologize for something that you don't actually have control over?  How do you explain that even if you could take a pill to make it all go away, you would need to wait until the next available appointment at the clinic--which is a very long, long, time from now.  Sure, you can try and tell me just say your sorry, but reality is ADHD makes things difficult for co-workers and anxiety just makes you seem like a non-caring ass-hole because you can't answer the phone.  Never mind, that you haven't slept or eaten anything of substance for weeks, and just now figured that out, or that you literally threw up when they called and you ignored the quacking ring that was just too cute a few weeks ago.  Yes, I already know I just can't do anything right.  I get it.  My marriage sucks, I can't manage working, I can't manage housework, I can't afford to feed the family now that food stamps were taken away.  That was something I wanted, I wanted to stand on my own two feed and be rid of the State Welfare system.  Yeah, but now I am freaking out!  How do you feed a family, when you don't actually have a steady paycheck, you owe possibly thousands to a babysitter, but are so stressed by just knowing you owe money that you can't add it up to find out how bad it really is?!!  You say yeah just take a Valium and sleep on it.  I so would if I had them or the courage to just take a little magic pill.  Oh, and I read a book, one given to me by Parent Partners, who help people manage the social worker and education system so that things they need are taken care of, like an IEP for a kid, or speech therapy.  The book was the Jenny McCarthy book,  Louder than Words, which really made me feel even more guilty about what I missed along the way, things that you know would have or should have made me say hey this is what is wrong and why I think my kid needs some help before its too late!  Yeah, I felt very guilty, angry, though I eagerly read the whole book in a few hours.  I didn't feel joy, I picked up on all the bad things parents with children who aren't quite normal go through, like the avoiding friends-until they aren't friends anymore, not going to play groups, being terrified of regular preschool because you know kids are not politically correct, their blunt, they just come out and say it.  Oh, I don't know if this helps anyone understand what a paralyzing thing anxiety can become in your life.  And you don't know how bad it is until you are negatively impacting everyone around you.