Feeling un-accomplished

Well welcome!

 It's Tuesday and I said I would write a blog and post the Vlog each week. So here I am. Cranky.

I think I have heartburn. My kids didn't want to be in the kitchen with me today because I was so full of stinky farts!!!

THE DAY PLANNED

I had a bunch of stuff I was planning or rather mulling over doing today. That would benefit my clients. But instead, I took a nap! Then did all the following to not work on 'Work'.  Wrote a landing page, signed up for affiliate marketing links, scrolled aimlessly at Facebook, created a LinkedIn Ad for myself, but not my clients, photoshopped a clip art so that the little girl would have black hair like me,
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made enough black bean stew for 2 weeks, re-applied my lipstick like 6 times, ate my kitten's weight in tortilla chips and guacamole.

Other Things I did

 Made this vlog post and wrote this weeks blog to compliment it, I also explored my next steps for Facebook Instant Articles set up- which is super technical, adding in Facebook Ad Network to the business blog, not this blog that will feed the Instant Articles, went to the grocery store because I was out of chicken breast and my kid wanted that instead of spaghetti and marinara sauce, checked the mail, checked my emails, opened the mail, sorted the mail, verified the Google My Business, I still don't know what that is! Played with the cat, watched the kids clean the kitchen, from a safe no fart zone, took a shower...I think, sat in front of my computer typed a bunch but feel like I got nowhere.

But You Did So Many Worthwhile Things!!!

AGH, this is the problem with ADHD. There are too many worthwhile things. All the things I did move me closer to one goal or another goal which is cool. Unfortunately, none of the things I did today move my client's projects closer to being finished. Which sucks! Agh, why couldn't I stick with the plan? Why didn't I just do the things that were actually on my list. The truth is we may never know, kinda like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

THE AWAITED VLOG

Here is my very long Vlog for today. A lot of things happened in the last 7 days. Some were stressful, some are weird, others were downright uncomfortable. Believe it or not, most of them are not even mentioned in today's blog, the written portion.  My kitten is tired and he keeps chasing the cursor on my monitor as I type and while it is normally adorable, tonight I am finding it repulsive. 

View on Facebook:

View on YouTube: 

Mommy ADHD: Parenting a Sick Child

Hello! I know I wanted to do this vlog part every week. I think Tuesday is a good day for me. It seems like I can dedicate myself to updating this blog and the vlog on Tuesdays.
Unfortunately, last week was, well, full of life. Whatever, right? So there was no blog or vlog or really anything that looked like work.

I had the water heater fail last Thursday. Yes owning your own home is wonderful! I highly recommend everyone try homeownership. Anyway, I had no money and now other-half to come to my rescue. I admit to borrowing money from both my Mom and Dad that I had no way to repay. It is a humbling experience to ask for a "loan" you have no way to pay back. I have no "income" at the moment and I have used most of my savings over the last year as I stayed home to recover from a heart attack. I am busting my butt in all directions trying to get everything in order to take on marketing clients on my own and end my relationship with the previous Digital Agency that I was a partner in. Borrowing $1,040.00 was yucky.

On Monday of last week my business with the previous partners officially dissolved and we started the resolution process of assigning accounts and notifying clients of the changes. Fun, but not a lot of action was taken by me or the business partners, so it is still sorta unresolved and just taking up space in my mind. 

Monday I attended the Goodyear Business Alliance hosted by Networking360. To be clear this is not a networking event, but a group of other business owners at different stages in their business who come to share and learn from each other. I love it. It has really kept me motivated to keep taking steps to build the business. I also had an impromptu meeting with a potential client in need of website development.  So it was a good day and things were looking good, even if I had no hot water and needed to shower at my mothers.  

Tuesday the plumber came. It took all day. Originally I had no issue with that. But about 4:30 pm the kid that had vomited and missed school became especially cranky and needy. I just didn't have the ability to wait for the plumber and make a trip to urgent care. So I called for reinforcements and his Dad showed up and took him to urgent care for me. They discovered he had the Flu!  

Luckily, the flu was caught early and he had Tamiflu to help reduce the duration of the flu. Better still he had been given the flu shot and so had my entire household. I can attest that no other member of the family has shared in his flu experience. Which is good because I am a heart attack survivor and I need to avoid getting the flu myself.

Anti-Immunization people probably don't want to hear more about my PRO-Immunization stance, but you should get your flu shots! They help prevent the spread of the flu. Tamiflu is only good if you get a flu diagnosis in the first 48 hours, and most people don't get the diagnosis until the 3rd or 4th day. Getting the flu shot reduces the chance of getting one of the strains in the flu vaccine by up to 70%, which I think is great! Get your shots! Protect others from the spread of preventable disease.

Having a sick kid led to me sitting on the couch for 4 days! I didn't do much of anything. Not this blog, vlog or working on my business. I don't know if that is normal behavior for other parents. Is it? Do most people just tend to the ill child and ignore the rest of the world and responsibilities? I am open to learning from your experiences.  Let me know. I am curious. Seriously! Am I alone? Is this an ADHD thing? Or just a parent thing? Do parents with partners do this too? Just Moms? Just Single parents? I really don't know. Nobody shares the ugly of life. 

Happy 2019!

Happy 2019!

I've had it with 2018! It was painful in so many ways.  First, it started with the recovery from a heart attack, well 2, and unemployment as a result. Though I did have a 'side-hustle'. Recovery from a heart attack is about 30% physical and 70% mental. I've heard of people who had no choice but to return to full-time employment just days or weeks after a myocardial infarction or heart attack and I see that after that they don't "recover". They stay in survival mode and typically get sicker and sicker as the years go by. In large part, because they didn't have time to reflect on what went so wrong and how to fix the damage that had been done. Like I said its 70% mental.

My recovery has been difficult. I did not do well on a medication called atorvastatin. I thought my ADHD was getting worse or that I was just stressed out from the incident. But when I couldn't carry on a conversation or remember the sentence I had just read, I complained. I wasn't listened too. When I was I couldn't remember what the instructions were. Hahaha. It was terrible. Eventually, I had leg pain, this burning, tingling, needling sensation that would not stop. It got to the point where walking from the bed to the bathroom was an endurance event. When I reported that symptom the cardiologist immediately took me off the atorvastatin and wanted me to take another similar 'statin' medication. I refused. He's really not happy about that. Neither is my Family Doctor. But Life needs to be enjoyable not just "longer" as he claims. Though the scientific studies show it only extends the life of a heart attack survivor by 5 days. I'd like those days to be pain-free. 

In addition, I had my Mother living with me for all of 2018. I don't know if you realize this but mothers and daughters should not live together as adults. It is awful. It is confusing. It is not something I recommend to anyone that can avoid it. While I love my Mom, I never want to live with her in the room next door to me, at least not for as long as she is working her bizarre 2am - 11am+ schedule. She requires absolute silence! I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, and 4 cats. Silence isn't something we are capable of delivering. Some days she would get home shortly after 11am and I would be required to "be QUIET" so she could nap. That meant my 'side-hustle' could not be done because I "talk too loud" according to my mother. It also meant things like dishes couldn't be done because the clanging of the dishes was too loud as was the dishwasher. No yard work, not that I really wanted too, but it was out. All the organizing and hanging up of pictures or moving furniture so you could de-clutter the house was also out. I may have ADHD but I HATE clutter. Agh. It was everywhere. Maybe a touch OCD about the clutter. Everything must have a home in my home or I throw it out. Kids hate that. :)

I know what you're thinking...why just not do all the things before she returns home? Well, the woman never communicated what time she would be home. And when she was home she would stuff herself into her 'bedroom' lock the door and turn the TV on to CNN. She called that napping. But I was required to keep the place quiet until the kids went to sleep because shortly after her 'nap' was her 'bedtime'. Do you know how difficult it is to keep silent while cooking dinner?

Just to make things more inconvenient the Washer and Dryer were located in her room. But as all children know you can't go into your parents' room. So I couldn't wash clothing at will. I had to wait for her to do it, then listen to her complain about it. Now I had an answer, we could go explore the front closet in the living room where the previous owner claimed the original laundry room was. But I couldn't do it because if I got caught doing something 'difficult' like removing a false wall panel and testing the outlet and water supply there would be lots of words from her on how I needed to take it easy because I had had a heart attack and she didn't want me to die. Yea guilt trip. So she did the laundry, then complained about doing it, but complained more if I went into her room to do the laundry before she came home.

So now she is gone from the house. And I need to find a way to quickly cover the expense of the mortgage. SO her absence is both a blessing and a bit of a challenge. My side hustle with my partners is in shambles. That's a story for another day, maybe another or two I have. Anyway's I am making my own side hustle. I am going to restart my old business Binary Digital Media. I am working on the business plan so stay tuned for what that turns into. Maybe websites, maybe websites and social media, who knows. I've got until the weekend to figure that out and update my old website http://www.binarydigitalmedia.com. I have a potential website client, that was referred to me by a friend so I may have a few hundred dollars coming in this month. I have to work on the household budget too, see what I can do to make it all work in 2019.

Glad to leave all that crazy in 2018 and tidying the house after my mom left was a nice stress reliever.

Laziness doesn't exist and coping

The last six months have been...hell. I am a huge fan of the TV Show Lucifer so it feels so odd to use that analogy to my ongoing recovery from my heart attack. I've seen a lot of people who are obsessive fans of the show and I think if it weren't for the escapist show about the Devil turned Cop I may be in a far worse place.

Today I finally accomplished one of the goals I on my to-do list. As an ADHD adult, I take meds. Meds with come with a stigma that even my Mom uses to remind me of how I don't measure up. In December of 2017, I had my quarterly med check with the Psychiatric Nurse. I am one of the unfortunate people fortunate enough to have state health insurance and the price tag is difficulty navigating the "system" combined with "people who are underpaid, overworked, burnt out" who have no problem letting you fall through the cracks. I asked to be added back to the rolls of people who were getting counseling since I was not working I would have no problem "keeping" the appointment.

I never got the appointment. To be honest I was so exhausted from the physical recovery of having a heart attack I didn't notice I had been ignored. My next quarterly med check came in March 2018. I asked again for an appointment with a counselor. I had a bit more energy in me. They don't explain how exhausted you will be from just the act of getting out of bed after a heart attack. For those that don't succeed getting past the bed sheets, I understand. It is very crippiling. I was a bit more persistent, I followed up, called again and again, got call back from caseworkers, but no appointment.

I gave up again. I was told a supervisor would follow up. But it didn't happen.  If you are wondering why people on social services don't feel the desire to keep fighting for assistance, all I can say is this is not a unique situation or the first time I encountered bureaucracy.  It is exhausting.

Working through the health stuff and trying to get back onto my proverbial feet by returning to work. I applied to Vocational Rehabilitation. I applied partly out of desperation and partly out of frustration when trying to find work that would fit my new reality.

New Reality:

• can't work outside, it's too hot/ too cold
• cant work a job that needs me to work 8+ hours 
• can't work a job that doesn't let me be home with my kids
• can't work a high-stress job at a call center
• can't work a job that requires me to be on my feet
• can't work a job that requires me to sit stationary
• can't work a job that requires lifting heavy items
• can't work a job that doesn't let me go to my doctors' appointments, of which there are many, many, many per month
• can't work a job that requires me to be ridged, wait that is just an existing ADHD thing.
• Job still needs to make me 35-60K a year

Believe it, the state government Vocational Rehabilitation Assistance actually got me an appointment before I got an appointment with a counselor. Their turn-around time was about 2 months. Pretty dang fast in my experience! But they needed things, things from my state-funded Psychiatric Nurse.

Needing things fast I took a friend with me to the state-funded Psychiatric Nurses office and asked for that info need. Of course, the desk person didn't know what the hell I needed or was even asking. Can't be surprised, its a low paid $9.00 an hour job and hundreds of patients come in every single day. So I asked for a supervisor, with my back up, my friend.

Supervisor in person was exactly what I needed to get the appointment with the counselor. 

Checking off the long-awaited counseling appointment.  In all, it was nearly 6 months of time getting that appointment. I am proud to say I didn't slash any tires or turning into a raging vile-language ogre along the way. 

I attended the appointment this morning...It was emotionally draining explaining to a stranger where I am. Emotions are tough on the heart. They can make your blood pressure rise, your heart race. If you've lived a life with ADHD, Depression, Anxiety or any other experience that limits you, you probably know this. I took a 5-hour nap. And now I can't sleep.

My Facebook is buggy tonight, which means it can't distract me. But Twitter is working. Twitter is where I went when Lucifer was canceled by Fox. So it provides a good deal of distraction. Among the distraction, I found this article. Laziness Doesn't Exist. It helped me cope. My life is full of people who judge me and tell me I am Lazy. Former Co-workers, Business Partners, Family, Ex-husbands, mothers and sometimes me. It resonated with me following today's appointment with the new counselor, who pointed out that I have accomplished a lot. People who call you lazy because you didn't meet their expectations are explained in this article. Now I understand a bit more about them so I can be a bit less on loathing to myself. 

Adventures in Marketing

Well if you haven't followed me, and well who has?  I don't post very often.  I have ADHD afterall!  That's a different topic for another blog post.

I work in Marketing.  I spend my days evaluating and criticizing ads on Facebook and Instagram.  I get paid to spend 8 hours a day on Facebook 5 days a week.  Cool right?  I can't tell you how I got a job with Facebook because even to me that is a mystery.  No fancy degree here.  No prestigious Agency experience.

Back to the subject!  I decided I was finally going to relent to all the customer request to just work for them.  And I start my own digital media firm.  It's a side gig.  It's a lot like a side chick,

but instead of spending money I make money instead of spending it.  Yes, make money instead of spending it.  Also called, hey remember that website you started working on a year ago?????  Oh, that thing.  Well now is the time to do something with it!!!!

Turns out I am great with starting a project.  But what happens when you start your own business at the same time as you are learning a new role at your day job, while starting all that book-keeping, web designing, email marketing, social mediaing, ad creation, client consulting stuff?  Don't forget all that other stuff like being a mom, a student, a volunteer, sole income, taxi and single/horny woman.


Well, if you have ADHD, you probably don't have a clue what happens. But if you don't you already know how this story is going to end.  Then again I may end up surprising us all.........

A pile of papers...

So what else have you done this week?  Oh, I am glad you asked.  I have been crazy busy!  Mostly doing the thing everyone likes least; dealing with Social Services.  I absolutely hate this process!  It is quite demeaning and absolutely time consuming.

The quest for assistance continues.  Last month, March 2012, I and my children were dropped from the Arizona Medicaid Program twice!  It was upsetting, frustrating.  Plagued by trying to do the right thing, we were dropped for failure to provide proof of income.  Why?  Oh it went to the wrong address and was delayed!  So we didn't recieve notifcation that additional information was needed until after Medicaid had dropped us.  Many phone calls, okay just 2, but it was well over 2.5hours on the phone with an actual person!  I can't tell you how long I spent on hold....  So thinking everything is fixed and good to go.  I went about my family business and searched for a job. 

Then I learned it was again dropped and that they said since I had quit working voluntarily I and my children were to remain ineligible for 1 year!  Absolute craziness!!!!!!!!  Yes, I admit I stopped going to work, but only because I could not afford to FEED my three children and pay for CHILD CARE for one child.   I was forced to make a choice, between maintaining my families status on the food Stamp program so we could eat, or leaving my 2 year old unattended, so I could go to work!  This was the choice I was faced with because Arizona cut all funding to the Child Care Subsidy program in 2008 to balance the budget and I was not making an adequate commission from Aflac.  (Not all my fault, but not all Aflac's fault either.)  Eventually a few supervisors understood what I was trying to explain, and helped me fix the situation, or so I am told.  Currently, we do not have food stamps to buy food, which could be because I misunderstood when we would receive them, or because we were dropped again. 

Onward!  More Social Services fun!  A while back my five year old was on an IEP in the Developmental Preschool, then I was told he was ineligible for his kindergarten year, but if I received a diagnosis he would be reconsidered for an evaluation at school.  Alas, I presented the school with a copy of the Psychiatrist notes and requested he be re-evaluated the second week of school.  Nearly the end of the school year he has not been re-evaluated!  His teacher has begun to express concern about his ability to grip a pencil and scissors properly, aka -motor skills are falling behind!  Unable to move the mountain that is the IEP process at Peoria Unified I have begun pursing the other avenues of assistance.  The Arizona Department of Developmental Disabilities and Social Security Disability Income.  At this point I hope that one of these government agencies will be able to assist me so that he does not fall further behind.  Perhaps one can provide us with ideas on how to improve his motor skills, reading skills and social understanding of the world around him or even provide us with financing to give him Occupational Therapy or Physical Therapy for his motor skills development.  Aggregated, yes.  This process is very time consuming!  If I had a job I am not certain I would be able to peruse any assistance for my son.

The shear amount of paperwork working with all the agencies has created in the last 45 days is appalling.  My poor 3 inch binder has become overwhelmed.  Between my desire to better manage my own ADHD issues and to prevent my son from suffering needlessly when he can learn to work better with his abilities, the folder is exploding.  The problem is all the agencies want a copy of what the other agency has done, what the other physician has stated, ect.  So, I keep copies!  Soon I will have to separate my own paperwork from the families, and possibly his from the families, just so I don't end up with back problems from carrying all the papers with me.

I will likely separate mine from the families later today.  Simply working with the Social Worker at Fresh Start Women's Center, my counselor at Terros, my Vocational Rehabilitation Intake Worker, and my own physicians/psychiatrist is a Martha Steward organizational wet dream.  Thank God, that I am pretty anal retentive, and good at organizing endless streams of paper!

Exasperated.

Oh, I miss you....

Oh I have missed this so much.  The number of times I wanted to sit down and tell you my rambling thoughts.  I seriously need to write.  I just got so distracted.  I admit lost in thought has happened more lately than it should...

Life is just so loud right now I have a hard time concentrating on any one topic for more than a few seconds.  Which leads to thousands of small snowballs and the giant avalanche you are about to read.

So somehow my husband moved back in.  No he is not a ninja that snuck in during the night!  It happened without discussion.  It just happened.  Angry?  Yes.  Confused?  Of Course!  Happy?  I don't know.  It just happened.  One night he stayed and the next he stayed.  And then he just stopped staying at my moms.  Weird.

Onward to the weirder still.  I still want to buy a house.  So we have been working on that for the last 20 days.  We stopped at an open house and found a realtor and a mortgage broker.  I like my realtor, she is easy to work with and does what she says she is going to do.  There was this house I wanted but by the time we were pre-qualified for a home loan the house was gone.  Sad.  It was a good house.  Then we found another house that was listed in our tiny price range and we liked it, but it also was gone before we had a chance.  So we tried again and settled on a house that was near where we wanted to be that was in our price range.  We bid and no one was interested.  Then suddenly there were multiple bids on that house.  Grrr!!!!!!   And then, that house I had been eying since mid December was suddenly available again!!!!   Hooray!  So far so good.  It is a short sale so it could be a long time before its all done.

I continue to seek out services from the Fresh Start Women's center.  I am beginning to think there simply is not enough time to do what I want to do, need to do and what I already started!   I enjoyed my journaling class from about 6 weeks ago.  It was fun and enlightening.  I just wish I had made some time to actually continue what I was doing at that time.  Its important! Writing is fun!  And, and, and, and, I think it helps me slow down the thoughts running through my head.  I also have started working with the social worker there.

My head hurts because of the shear number of things happening right now.  Like the Boy Scouts Scout O Rama Fundraiser is now in full swing.  Its crazy busy followed by mind numbing dullness.  I've never been one for sitting still.  Siting in front of the grocery story selling tickets with my little Scout is grueling.  I am glad I don't have a girl scout.  I don't think I could sell cookies day after day in the cold. The Scout-O-Rama Ticket sales are going well.  My son is selling his tickets and seems to be having fun.  So I will let him keep selling tickets.  I just wish I didn't have to rely on my family to babysit the younger two.

Started going to food banks.  Yes I said that.  Yes I even said I was buying a house! Of course it makes perfect sense.  Yes it does, let me explain.  Rent is 800 right now, plus water and utilities.  Its crazy but as I look around town, everything rentable is going higher, and my rent is likely to go up again in August when my lease expires.  So home ownership.  Well if you look carefully and find a smoking hot deal on a diamond in the rough you can pay around $450 a month plus the same utilities.  So yes, I think buying a house makes more sense than renting.  Not to mention the busting at the seems issues.

I also started participating in a Food Co-Op that provides fruits and veggies at incredible prices.  Fresh Fruits and veggies grown locally!  Many organically too!  Drawback:  you don't know what your getting.  Like I thought those bananas were taking a long, long time to turn green, but it turns out they were plantains!  Silly!  I should have know, but I have just been so tired.

Trying to find a job.  A few interviews, but I think I say too much of the wrong things when I talk.  Bummer, some of the jobs I have been excited about.  

Taboo

Taboo

I was left wondering what is so taboo about sharing your life after I stopped laughing at the silly bickering left in the comments.

Why is it not okay to share? I know some will say you need to keep your problems to yourself, it's not our business. I must disagree.

Here's why. Not sharing is how critical mass was reached in my marriage. Now I am not looking for a meddling mother in law. But when people keep their worries and joys to themselves they ultimately suffer and do does the community at large.

See there is someone out there that is going to read these blog post and see their own marriage. They might recognize that they need to seek help before they need assistance from the police or find themselves in divorce court. Even more important a friend or family member may realize that your family needs help ending a dysfunctional cycle and help intervene.

So why don't I share good things? Oh I do, it's just right now the amount of bad things are more plentiful.

Kid sick again

It's something I wonder, how many times a year is it normal to have a cold? It seems like my kid is sick every other week. Fever, body aches, sore throat. I wonder about myself as well! In the last 30 days I have been taken down by a cold, stomach bug and strep throat. That doesn't count the number of times I was sick in December or November either. I read some where that University of Arizona did a study on children with ADHD and frequent illness, where when the tonsils and anadiloids were removed 50% of patients actually stopped exhibiting symptoms of ADHD impairment. Just wondering if that is a solution for me or if it would help my 5 year old.

Tried to go to the Jewel Center in downtown Phoenix again. And again I was turned away because the child care center was short staffed. It bugs me because it is such a long drive to get there and they won't let you take any classes until after orientation is completed. After yesterday's visit with the Vocational Rehabilitation counselor I would like to take one of their parenting classes as well as the self esteem class I keep trying to get into. Bummer after a very long drive! Of course if my 5 year old hadn't been sick I might have been able to see if my Aunt was at my Nana's house to watch the baby. I simply can't visit my Nana with a sick kid, she has become far to frail for it. So I will need to try another day or week to get this orientation finished.

So a friend of my husband has become annoyed with the airing of the dirty laundry. I told her it was fine If she unfriend me as she had to do what was best for her mental health. She reports he post things on his Facebook page about my blog, arguments ect. That's fine by me, I don't read his Facebook page. I never actually did even when he was a friend of mine on Facebook page. I have heard enough from the media about how reading your spouses pages are bad for your marriage. Besides I didn't have time when I was busy trying to keep house his way. I do have the time now, but find it better spent studying marriage self help books, career advice, ADHD, and PDD-Nos. I learned yesterday that my five year old is eligible for Social Security Disability Income, which could help me get him into tutoring, motor skills development, or other enrichment program to keep him as close to his peers as possible. I haven't made the call, yet. It is just so overwhelming to think that your 5 year old as eligible for SSDI. So I will work on that tomorrow.

In the mean time I will try and wash the sheets and towels that got dirty when my two year old had explosive diarrhea this afternoon. And hope I can get everyone in the car to drop off my oldest for scouts because my husband promises to pick him up.

Courage and wtf. My mom takes his side?!

Have you ever woke up to the sound of your own sobs?

My pillow was soaked. I don't know how long I had been crying in my sleep. I just find it strange.

I visited my mothers house today. But only because I had too leave my son with her do I could go to my Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. I got an ear lashing! It wasn't t fair and it wasn't right. She was already angry before I got there and had decided I was simply holding a grudge against my estranged husband. I knew after Saturday that she didn't truly understand what has been happening in this house over the years. And today I learned she just doesn't want to believe I can decide that enough had gone wrong. She demanded I just decide right now and get a divorce! Suddenly, she went from you shouldn't get a divorce to I must hurry up and do it right now.

She made excuses for him. She tried to justify bad behavior. She flat out can't accept indecision on my behalf. I got screamed at for having the audacity to ask my husband "why, now?" it's a perfectly fair question when someone tells you they are considering joining he Reserves. Apparently I am not entitled to learn that information about my husbands plans. I say shouldn't a wife know why you want to enlist, why separated service in he first place and why now is a good time to re-enlist? My husband called me a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down via text message. He's angry because I asked the same question the recruiter will ask. Why he immediately decided I was being vindictive is beyond me. Could he not have simply asked why I was so rude or called instead of telling me I was a bitch? Having two against one is not fair!

She didn't care that he should have handled his anger differently. She had no idea what had happened on Saturday. She didn't care that I thought I was given a glimmer of hope when he said he would go to church with his family. She didn't know he didn't like the first marriage advice book I had gotten on the kindle. She didn't know i had gotten him a different book with a very different plan. She just knew I was vindictive because I asked a question after he asked to know my thoughts. She seemed to assume that me asking a question about why now, why not then was me saying he couldn't go back. She didn't care that I was not going to stop him from re-enlisting or not. It is ultimately his choice. I just want to know what every wife and best friend should know when you begin making life altering decisions for your family.

I went to my appointment and feel good for doing so. I feel like I may be able to get real career guidance and positive support. I know that the process is very long. I was there because when I look back over my speckled career path, I can clearly see how ADHD impacted its path. I understand that I had issues that could have been mitigated and that i might be happily employed at one of my previous employers. I hope that the agency can guide me to career stability. Maybe they will be able timely me improve the financial situation of my kids. I also felt that I was supposed to meet the counselor. She has been where I am in my marriage and knows what it takes to say I need to protect my kids from this bad environment and save myself. We talked about God and what I have seen in regards to my husband and God. I told her he doesn't attend church, that in nine years I only remember him going with me once. I know he knows the bible well. A few weeks ago he corrected me when I pronounced a name incorrectly when reading a passage to my oldest son. I know he knows the bible better than I do, afterall he was an alter boy in the catholic church I just don't know anything about why he doesn't want to go or be religious. We talked about some of the more disturbing things that have happened in my house. I was caught a little off guard when she told me that I could go to jail for letting him do those things, not just him. So there is a lot of things that need to be fixed that I wasn't even aware of. I now know that the pastor at CCV was right when he said I should pray for courage. I will need the courage to make sure those bad things are not allowed to happen to me or my kids ever again. Pray for courage to do what God needs done.

It will not be easy. But I will pray for the courage to do it.



I

New Years Resolutions....

On the other things I've been thinking about since my last post back in December, or January.  I can't actually remember but I know I wanted to talk about New Years Resolutions. 

Lets start with the obvious

I want to be lighter on the scale and have a smaller pant size.  A long time ago, like the month before I became pregnant with my first kid, I was a size 8.  That is a really good size.  I admit I looked like a Barbie Doll, with my big Dolly Parton Size boobs!  But I worked at a Bikini Bar, so I guess you could say I was really into exercising.  And As for looking like Dolly Parton, that goes back to the first wish I ever made, back in the second grade.  Why an 8 year old wished for Boobs like Dolly Parton, I don't know, perhaps some crazy shrink has an answer, like I spent too much time looking at my Dad's Playboys. 

I want to be more vigilant when it comes to posting updates on my blog.  I like to write on this.  I like it.  It's a little like seeing your name in lights on the Theater Marque.  It's a bit of fun.  It's great for reliving stress.  It's also great for avoiding doing things like moping the floor or putting pants on my two year old.  I guess I am saying I would like to post each week, in my fantasy world I would post everyday, but really who would be reading that?

I also want my finances to make sense.  You know, the check book balances, and you don't overdraw your checking account on a regular basis.  I would also like to have cash in the savings account that is actually for savings and not to pay the overdraft fee.  So maybe I need a budget?  Then again that sounds oh so boring.

I want to earn money in my new career.  My new boss seems to be great.  She is organized or seems to be.  She is understanding and seems to understand my reluctance to jump right in and WIN, to quote Charley Sheen.  She also seems to understand basic math and that things like paying for child care are expensive if you are not generating an income to replace what you used. 

I want to exercise.  Before I got my crazy boss I was doing well.  Not fabulous.  I wasn't loosing 2 pounds a week or anything.  But I was feeling better.  Now, I don't know if it was all the crazy boss or a bit of the winter blues, but I stopped, and now I feel flabby.

I want to be organized.  You know like those people you admire, the ones that are never late and never need to apologize for the Linus like chaos that follows them.  I want to be prepared, I want to know what I need, what I need to do to get it, and who I need help from.  It's weird, I just want to feel like normal people do.  Normal people rarely suffer from deer in headlights syndrome. 

Adult Content:  Dude you know you want this crap.

I want to replace my Vib.  I miss my vib.  It made the kids antics less, frustrating, if only for a minute.  Lets face it I have a short attention span, and spending more than 10 minutes with the Vib or my husband leads to loss of interest.  Or maybe its just wandering interest.  I am certain my husband appreciates that in the middle of it, I am suddenly thinking about the grocery list, or that email, or the clothes that need to be mended.  Or maybe I am just in outer space, I have know idea, its sorta random, ranging from all the chores I didn't do, the kids, the car, the job, the education, my dry lips(both), the dogs, the weird shadow on the ceiling, how itchy the sheets feel, or how I need to change positions again. 

Anyway, why do people make Resolutions?  Aren't they usually forgotten by the end of January?  Is it because they don't have a plan or people to hold them accountable.  Are they even good?

So what are my steps?  Dude, you do know I have ADHD?  And maybe a bit OCD.  Yeah, I get upset when my hairspray is not in its proper place or someone moves the Paprika from the place I last put it.  Yeah, I have ideas.  No I don't have them written out. 

Oh, I also want to write out the house rules.  Ask my why.  Maybe I will write it later.  Just like the steps to finish the New Years Resolutions.....

Ahhhhhh!

hello bereft....

would love to contact you and chat a bit on the difficulties of love and all the really important life stuff.

actually been thinking about it awhile, but an old devil called generalized anxiety has been plaguing me of late.  

I noticed that your not listed as a follower or was it registered user..?  Anyway I can't contact you because of one of those reasons.

Everyone else;

Yeah I haven't been keeping this up very well lately.  Yes, I started a new job.  I really like the job.  As I was telling bereft, this old devil I used to know has possessed me.  Things are difficult enough in general, even with out ADHD, but that whole anxiety thing is quite paralyzing.  Actually, looked at all the drugs underneath my sink and couldn't decide which one to try again, or if I should just take some benadryl, or call my family doc, or the clinic that provides the ADHD medication, which then lead me to wonder why I had an extra bottle of Adderall ER and Adderall under there.  Have I been missing the doses that often?  Did I somehow get my script filled twice?  What the hell?  Why was I freaking out 2 months ago because I was running out?  Was it always there?  I know I miss it a couple of times a month, but I take it with the birth control and the little blister pack shows only a few missed ones!?
So then their is trying to explain what an anxiety disorder is to new people, new people I work with, who instead of being helpful actually became so overwhelming that looking at emails, the ringing cell phone, that beeping text message, just made me hide; not want to hide, actually hide.  How do you explain it when their is no logic?  And then you go and screw other things up like a friendship, because your trying to express how envious you are of their situation, which they think just sucks, and make them all mad.  Dude, don't think she liked me very much or even accepted that I tried to apologize, or understood I wasn't being mean, just trying to say how very lucky she really was, because if she had experienced what I had she wouldn't think I was being condescending, or whatever she thought.  Gees, this sucks.  How do you explain that to people?  How do you apologize for something that you don't actually have control over?  How do you explain that even if you could take a pill to make it all go away, you would need to wait until the next available appointment at the clinic--which is a very long, long, time from now.  Sure, you can try and tell me just say your sorry, but reality is ADHD makes things difficult for co-workers and anxiety just makes you seem like a non-caring ass-hole because you can't answer the phone.  Never mind, that you haven't slept or eaten anything of substance for weeks, and just now figured that out, or that you literally threw up when they called and you ignored the quacking ring that was just too cute a few weeks ago.  Yes, I already know I just can't do anything right.  I get it.  My marriage sucks, I can't manage working, I can't manage housework, I can't afford to feed the family now that food stamps were taken away.  That was something I wanted, I wanted to stand on my own two feed and be rid of the State Welfare system.  Yeah, but now I am freaking out!  How do you feed a family, when you don't actually have a steady paycheck, you owe possibly thousands to a babysitter, but are so stressed by just knowing you owe money that you can't add it up to find out how bad it really is?!!  You say yeah just take a Valium and sleep on it.  I so would if I had them or the courage to just take a little magic pill.  Oh, and I read a book, one given to me by Parent Partners, who help people manage the social worker and education system so that things they need are taken care of, like an IEP for a kid, or speech therapy.  The book was the Jenny McCarthy book,  Louder than Words, which really made me feel even more guilty about what I missed along the way, things that you know would have or should have made me say hey this is what is wrong and why I think my kid needs some help before its too late!  Yeah, I felt very guilty, angry, though I eagerly read the whole book in a few hours.  I didn't feel joy, I picked up on all the bad things parents with children who aren't quite normal go through, like the avoiding friends-until they aren't friends anymore, not going to play groups, being terrified of regular preschool because you know kids are not politically correct, their blunt, they just come out and say it.  Oh, I don't know if this helps anyone understand what a paralyzing thing anxiety can become in your life.  And you don't know how bad it is until you are negatively impacting everyone around you.  

A question. What would you do?

What to say... I am stressed again.  It's a never ending roller coaster of self-doubt and optimist hope about the future.

Right now I have a case of the I don't want to do anything.  I am content doing nothing but surfing the internet and reading books while I avoid making any decisions.  The list of I need to's, was getting shorter but has started to grow again.  The list of I want to's has begun to befuddle me.  My list of want to's reminds me of an episode of 'Hoarders' where the stuff is about to bury alive the occupants.   Grr...

A slight bit of frustration regarding my inability to make a decision presides over me.  It should be easy.  For heaven sakes just do a SWOT analysis, that is what my brain shouts when I am driving and need to be somewhere on-time.  WIth no time to stop and start a SWOT my brain quickly forgets something important that should be done and needs to be a priority.  Grr....

So I was at the grocery store and I used one of those self check out machines.  I needed cash so I could pay the electric bill.  I selected $40 and retrieved if from the machine to find $50.  I counted it three times, I double checked my receipt, then I asked the supervising cashier to count it.  Sure, enough there was $50.  I gave it to her and said that someone either forgot to pick up their $10.00 or the machine gave me extra money.  Should I have kept it?  And why weren't the kids their to see me doing the right thing? Oh, right it was like 9:30 at night and I was there for milk, bread, and beer.
So, I get where I am going and the questions I need answered aren't fully taken care of.  I get the first and the second question out and then I am suddenly overwhelmed by the need to take in the information and answer the questions it now poses.

On the new job front:  I have serious doubts about the place I am working at.  I have some doubts about my abilities which I think only come from the place I am at.  I still think I can be a great success in Sales, err, insurance sales.  I think I have the natural ability to look and see problems, unfortunately I don't know how to answer them all, and the follow up on questions that can't be answered today is a bit poor.  Boorish!  It bothers me that I forget to follow up with people, or fail to be loud and persistent enough to get all the answers right away.  Which suddenly reminds me about a section in a book I was reading called "is it You, Me or Adult A.D.D.?"that people with ADHD seem to have two different ways of prioritizing; Now and Not Now.  Unfortunately, I am beginning to see that pattern, things are either immediately important and I must hurry and do it right now; everything else falls away when this happens.  Things like the laundry don't get started or finished, books are suddenly left on the floor as I go to answer the phone, or read some Facebook message.  If it doesn't need to be done right now, I usually forget about it.  Like when I have known for weeks about a doctors appointment and keep repeating the date and time, the day finally comes and the time arrives and I am doing something else that needs to be done right now, like buy some ice cream sundaes.

Logic says that I shouldn't be doing that.  But somehow my brain has completely forgotten about that thing it was repeating for weeks at the time its needed.

Oh, back to the doubts about where I am a contracted Insurance agent.  So I took this job, mostly because it sounds really interesting, involves constant changing scenery, meeting new people, and a wild and extravagant lifestyle that seems achievable with it.  But my doubts arise from the fact that the office management, while veterans, they are not veterans with the company.  The result is many questions go unanswered or are superficially answered.  The office is also all married men with stay at home brides.  Which has worked to their great advantage.  Their wife is home taking care of paying the bills, waiting for the plumber, and carting the kids every which way they need, while they are able to focus 100% on the job every day they work.  This has lead to a severe deficiency in our ability to relate to each other when talking about efforts to grow our individual books of business.  Bummer, when you boss tells you that you need to make more dials, more appointments and be available for your new clients even on Cub Scout nights and Saturday when you were really busy washing the laundry, grocery shopping, taking the kids to the library, potty training the 2 year old and somehow getting the toilet cleaned.  Worse still the 2 Field Trainers that were charged with showing me how to be a successful insurance agent, suddenly quit.  Bad right?  Well, they then badder still the boss men were too busy doing things that did not focus on me, err, the new hirers, and we were basically left to try and figure it out on our own.  What did they do to mend this terrible situation?  They promoted a man who has been with the company for about 7 months to trainer and another who has just 4 weeks more time at the company.


So my bosses don't relate to being the chief parent/mom, they don't satisfy my questions with complete answers, they fail to take us on appointments to show us how this job is to be done, they promote people with no experience to trainers, and even worse they hired a new crop that also need the same limited resource I do, them.  I am sure they also plan on hiring another class to start next month too, which just makes it seem like a bad thing.

To be clear, as of this moment I have not quit.  Though I admit I have taken a 2 day sabbatical to evaluate this place.  But I did look at a competitor that seems to be in a better position to facilitate my learning experience and build an actual career as an Insurance Sales person.  I also began searching the job sites today to see what other options I might have.  It does kinda feel nice to have my biggest problems being that my ring is in danger of falling off, my clothes are too big and I can choose where I commit to work.  Oh, I am also thinking about taking a seasonal job doing taxes in addition to insurance sales.  So, What would you do?  Would you take the job with the other company that seems better able to answer your questions and train you for success or would you wait it out and see if someone suddenly becomes successful where you are so you can emulate them?

SuperMom!?

So at this moment Blogger.com is down and my computer is acting weird and slow.  Why did Blogger.com decided to do maintenance in the middle of the evening?  Weird! 

Obviously I am busy.  I haven’t posted anything new in a long while.  Such is the way of the work world.  I am trying to balance too many things and I seem to be succeeding rarely at any of them.  So my new job is tough.  Being away from home is tough on the kids.  My husbands ever changing schedule and his lack of communication is just making everything impossible to do. 

My biggest obstacle is figuring out what to do first.  I got a phone so I could stay in tough, I got him a phone so we could communicate.  I have an iPad so I can actually check my emails and keep a calendar.  (though for the last month my new job kept trying to force me into a paper calender! That was a complete disaster!) 

I know I have ADHD and this not knowing what to do first or even where I am supposed to be at different times in confusing as all heck!  I want to check in and be be with my family.  I also need to start seeing success with my new job or I am going to need to find another new job.   

So on the days I do figure out what to do first I struggle with trying to build my business clientele and my lack of availability to reach them on their schedule.  First, most of my clients are between the ages of 50 and 70, the problem being that the majority of the clients that are over 65 are home but I can’t talk about their health care until October 1^st, 2011 due to Federal Regulations on Medicare supplement and Advantage Plans.  Most people in the over 65 bucket already know they can’t make changes so they just aren’t interested in talking.   And of their younger siblings under ages 65 are just not home during business hours!  Well I am not able to work much after I regular work hours. 

However, the more I reconnect with my old friends and family members the more I see that I know an awful lot about what peoples real options are and when I have something that they really should be taking advantage of.  I now know most of my products to a point where if only I had enough hours in the day I could make appointments to visit them and see my family.  What I need is a way to pause life so I can do all I want to and need to. 

I need to be the idealized Super Mom, somehow capable of running an independent business, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, keeping the house clean, the bills paid on time, the dogs fed and walked, exercise herself to maintain optimum health,  loose weight, recruit new business, take the kids to their activities, potty train the toddler, read the latest magazines, books, watch the latest pop culture phenomenon, catch up with old friends, make  new friends, participate in the PTO, car pool the kids, be the star in the office, lead the way, train the mentee, communicate perfectly with the husband, know everything there is to know about my industry: insurance, entertain guest, make the perfect taco and margarita, have the grocery shopping done, the laundry put away, the kid in bed and somehow not fall asleep before the husband gets his turn.  Somehow that is what I need to be.  Or is it just simply being home by 6, and managing to have a few minutes to pick up dinner in the drive thru?

an afternoon of sorrow

This afternoon has been filled with many burst of anger, frustration and tears from nearly all members of my household.  You may not believe this but I hate my situation.   I hate poverty, I hate living in the semblance of middle class only to be too broke to actually get the time the middle class has to enjoy my children. I think that is the worst part about being poor, not having the time to cherish your children.

So maybe there are those that have large incomes that are poor in that way too, but at least they could change it this afternoon if they wanted too.

For the rest of us being poor is actually a bi-product of something else, lack of drive, acceptance of servitude, comfort in accepting welfare, or mental disease.  Mental disease is mine.  Many people may not put this together, but that is because they rarely find the cause of the effect.  For me and my family, being poor is the effect ADHD has caused.  I didn't always know I had ADHD.  I retrospect, I believe someone somewhere in my life knew, or at least suspected it but refused to help.  And that makes me angry, because knowing is more than 70% of the battle.

Why would knowing about ADHD earlier been beneficial to me?   Well, as an adult a lot of things like being on time, or impulse shopping, credit and debt management, choices in employment, choices to start and stop education, failure to prevent unplanned pregnancy, lack of direction and many, many other "little" things can be attributed to ADHD.  Knowing the problems that others suffer from could have prevented years of suffering and bad choices.  I believe I may have been able to lessen the suffering of my family and even averted many things.

Being on Time:  I know it's important to employers, but you may not realize how important it is to other things in the world of a girl.  Yeah, friends like it when you are on time, and I have lost friendships because I couldn't be on time.  One that many people don't realize is: Being on Time or lack of it can lead to unplanned pregnancy.  After all the directions on all Birth Control pills say to take at exactly the same time each day, and warn that a pregnancy can result when it is not.  It happened to me, twice. This is also a financial thing; you and I have bills and they need to be paid on-time.  Consequences of not being on time for bills can be, late charges, overdraft fees, added interest and other weird penalties that happen after these snowball like not being able to get a better job because of poor credit.

Impulse Control:  well, well, this is big too!  This encompasses how I met my husband, (a good thing, but caused by lack of control), blurting things out, speaking out of turn, following something shinny instead of what your supposed to do, of course shopping, eating, sex, things that Catholics claim will send you straight to hell and finances.  If you lack control, you may do things like quit a job, tell off a friend, threaten someone, file for divorce, or decide to redecorate a room when you don't have cash to pay rent.

Just these to traits have lead to some catastrophes in my life.  I can't change what I did.  I can now know why these choices made absolutely no logical sense and have an idea on how to prevent them.  No knowing I have impulse control issues did not stop me from buying an iPad 2! or some clothes 2 weeks ago for my new job( something I did need, but really should have prioritized other things over it like rent).
But knowing does give me and those around me a little bit of advanced notice, kinda like knowing a kid may dart out in traffic so you can save them before they do.

Hopeless?  I think not.  Angry and tired!  Embarrassed at my lack of anger management this afternoon! Embarrassed that my situation played such a huge factor in forcing my family into welfare.  Damn that welfare is so hard to get off of.  Damn that finding a new job with a bankruptcy is so impossible!  Angry that I quit a good job years ago because I thought I was depressed, when if I had simply known it was ADHD frustration and confusion I could have found someone to help me manage my way.  So tonight I instead hope that impulse buy of Juicy Fruit from the grocery store with the Win $100,0000.00 pays off.

Ancient Alien

I am I bored or avoiding doing important things?

It has been an unusual day.  It was supposed to be simple, after all I had a plan.  But like all good plans it went horribly wrong.  1st I slept a bit too long.  Not so long that I was going to be late, just very rushed.  I slept an extra 20 minutes.  I got myself and my kids all dressed.  

I called my Mom onetime!  We prepared to be picked up.  Waited and then found that it was not going to happen.  Why?  My mother started her truck only to find that it was suddenly loud like a hog without a muffler.  What had happened?  

Turns out a thief had taken the trucks catalytic converter.  Sometime during the night a thief had slid under the truck and taken a power saw to the trucks environmental capture systems and exhaust system.  Now my mother heard nothing and the car alarm which is so sensitive that it goes off every time a hog goes by, wasn't triggered.  

A neighbor heard a racket, but by the time he was curious enough to look the noise had stopped.  The noise lasted just a few minutes.  

It changed the plan, instead of hitting the local IHOP, we had to wait for police to arrive, then the insurance company to open for business, and finally for a tow truck to take the damaged truck to the dealer.  It took hours!  We finally had to take my mother to pick up a rental.  

In an attempt to get back on track, we took the kids to the toy store, where they bought a Mater tow truck and some Lego ninjas to defend their toys.  We dropped off the two younger kids and hit the drive thru for some grub and went to Kohl's for school clothes.  

So instead of being on this great schedule where school cloth shopping was done by noon, we were not finished until 4:30pm.  So we ordered take out at 5 and now the kids refuse to sleep.  

Instead of calling prospective clients and washing all the laundry as I had planned to do this afternoon I am behind.  So why didn't i call before I wrote this?  Well, dang, I was tired.  In order to relax I turned on Netflix and found a new documentary series to watch.  It is strange~  it is called Ancient Alien.  It is a story about how the ancients on earth built things like the pyramids and how every culture on earth seems to have the same stories.  The same tales and similar images of extraterrestrial beings and flying crafts that supposedly didn't exist in our past.  The series challenges the idea that we were stupid and that we were alone in the universe.  Are they right?  Does our past show we were not alone?  Does our past show that we have been influenced and enjoyed visitors from other places?

Are they connected?

you know when your crazy?  I don't!  This learning new insurance products for my new job is exhausting, risky and thrilling.  Oh, yeah, most people don't find insurance that exciting.  In fact I probably just put you to sleep by saying that....  But, you know what...  not sure what I was going to say my mind is a bit fried.

So, I am certain I like the people in my new office.  I think some of us are very much overwhelmed.  A weird fact of 7 new hires, a total of 3 are confirmed ADHD patients.  Weird, I wonder if normal people with normal habits, study skills and time management skills just don't like commission only jobs.  Perhaps it is just too much risk to take on.  Maybe you absolutely must be capable of thinking in weird ways and connecting seemingly unconnected facts to find the products.  Maybe its because we are not always aware of how intimidating selling is or because we get a shear thrill from the challenge of meeting a new person and convincing them we are the real deal.

Why is it that certain jobs seem to attract ADHD people?  Why are so many sales people also ADHD?  Why are more people in the entertainment industry ADHD than the general population?  I don't know, that would be a problem for some other ADHD person to figure out.  After all more scientist, doctors and lawyers then general population have successfully managed the super powers of ADHD!

Yes, ADHD does give me super powers.  Sure, I can't remember to take the trash out or change the oil in the car, but I bet I can get through that technical manuel faster than you and retain more of it and recall it when it is needed.  Something about Hyperfocus abilities, like when Clark Kent could get through that book for English class faster than you.

Other super powers are available to me too!  Like creativity, honesty, and likability.  You know I am likable.  I am creative.  I am honest, if I weren't those three things in such an organic way, you wouldn't read this and you wouldn't remember me when I left your presence.

These super powers give me the extra edge to actually have you remember what I said, feel like I had your best interest at heart, and like I was completely truthful and would tell you what I thought even if you weren't going to like it.  If you felt that way you would be right!

Suffering withdrawal

So I was a little nutzo today. I kept checking email, calling people, looking up new ways to maximize social media marketing, checking Facebook, etc, etc! I felt like a caged animal. Nothing was happening on the internet and all my friends were working so they did not answer. After spending the day spinning my wheels in lard on the slick ice of the job search I have concluded I was suffering from withdrawal. No not alcohol or sex addiction withdrawal. The kind of withdrawal sky divers understand. The kind you get from thrills, the very same I have been enjoying in the job hunt from being put on the spot during interviews.

So if you want to help, I am up for an interview right now. Call me.

Dark Circles

Tired? Bored? What is the difference? Both lead to slacking off and then that overwhelming need to rush due to procrastination.

Still looking for a job. Bored took career test on Careerbuilder.com Told me the obvious: "You're a CREATOR" Of course I am! It also says I am an "Organizer". Well duh, anyone that buys an App so they can take inventory of their kitchen and household cleaning things must be an Organizer. Really! You read that right, I have an anal retentive app that allows me to track the cans of Red Beans in my pantry.

That is the best I could get! Info I already know. I know I have taken jobs that are not in my strengths. I know I need a job that allows me to be impulsive, tact-less, intuitive and emotional. Yes I need a job that allows me to do something that has precision and planning. I am good at it. That is what makes me so great at sales. I am candid, rational and irrational at the same time. I sell people things based on the emotional need, that is probably why I was such a good counselor at UOP, I could relate, (they call that empathy, and yeah I got that). And I understand organization, AKA commissions structures, data entry that gets me more and I seem to be accurate with customer orders and a stickler for rules and regulations- (yes, I know that is a contradiction to impulsiveness, but I promise you can be a contradiction and still be fun to work with).

So, the desperate search continues... I submitted an Ad on Facebook and Google Adsense to help get me Hired. Yeah, I have no money, but no one said you couldn't risk it all to get dollar bills.

So tired, yet I danced and sung out loud. I embarrassed my kids, and I was in my own home. Felt good.

forgot what I wanted to say.

So I have been incredibly busy. Believe it or not looking for the right job is exhausting. I find myself not being very articulate lately. I know what I want... or think I do, but find myself having a difficult time saying it in a politically correct and appropriate fashion. I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind. Yes, I get giggles, snickers, interviews trying really hard not to laugh, and good conversations with hiring managers.

That is probably a weakness I should work on. Impulsive speech, a problem or a strength? Ummm. I think it depends on what is coming out of your mouth and how accepting your audience is. Should I change how I am and how does one go about stopping obscure and possibly obsence things.

On the plus side of being impulsive, is the shear thrill from the challenge of new things. That is probably why I am searching for sales jobs. I admit it, not just sales jobs, but really well paying jobs, things that are listing potential incomes of 60K to 100K. Sure, I have never made that money. But to be honest I have always been trying to do the responsible thing and make sure there was a steady paycheck, or at least since I have had my first kid. I think that is a problem. I remember back before I had kids, I had jobs that had no paycheck. Yet I made really great money. That I promptly spent on ridiculous non-responsible adult things like clothes, really pretty shoes, taking 5 friends to the movies and paying for it plus dinner and drinks later. Yeah, I am not sure why I have been so risk adverse for the last 8 years. It must be time to stop.

Anyway so I forget to say the really good strong thing that will set me apart as a candidate, but I promise I will stop stumbling over really dumb things, and perhaps stop drinking the tall mocha frappachinno before the interview.