Now What?

Sit. Listen.

Today I was contact by the man who got married with me and my ex-husband.  My wedding day was a tandem wedding at a courthouse. It wasn't planned that way, his girlfriend was just a bit jealous that I was getting married.

 This man has never reached out to me.  We are not friends. Other than that "Facebook Friend".  I have hundreds of those.

 I wonder if he even knows why I got divorced?

Message:  Hello Pamela! I was wondering if you could help me out?  I'm trying to get some passport stuff taken care of, and part of the application process is that I provide my marriage certificate for me and XXXXXXX.  The problem is, I can't remember what day XXXXXXX and I got married, so I can't look up and request our certificate... But I did remember that we were at the courthouse on the same day (I hope this is not a touchy subject for you...).  So, what day did all of us go to the courthouse? (I'm really sorry if this is a sensitive topic...)

Would he believe me or is he like all the others that didn't believe me years ago? Leaving me abandoned.

If I told him that friend he had back then was not the man that I spent the last years in awkward silence with, would I understand?

Would he?  Should he be told?

Or is he Marine? Marines don't have mental health issues, they don't get PTSD.  Yeah, if you didn't know that you were never part of the Marine Family. 

If I sent him the photo from our wedding day and told the story of how I became a wife, would he see that marriage was a recipe for disaster?  The photo was taken by his own wife. It's moments after we said "I do".  I guess a picture is worth a thousand words.

bitter hatred

Overwhelming anxiety.

Finally divorced.  Should be fucking glad.  Still stuck in stupid shit because of a home re-fi.  Still waiting on Child Support.  That damn asshole is still running my life.

Fuck.

Eminem has it right,  My life would be much better if you'd just drop dead...

ADHD Moment of the week

Waxing my entire car with what I thought was my cool Formula One Spray wax only to realize that I used an industrial version of WD40 that looks similar.





Well at least my dusty car looks gorgeous!





And that is what happens when you walk into the garage and you see your 3 year old son washing his power wheels car, and say well I can do better than that!  Watch this and then...

you realize 3 hours later that you are hot, thirsty, hungry, need to pee real bad, and don't know where the family went!

  Again my car looks awesome!

the embarrassment

It turns out that new parents have a lot to learn about being in Cub Scouts and finding a person to ask is well...  Okay, so they could ask any parent in the scouts but they tend not to ask because they don't want to feel silly for not knowing what everyone else just seems to know.  

So I promised last month that I was going to keep a journal of how my weight-loss was going.  Well, the good news is I am down to 209!  The bad news.  I really am not one for remembering or maybe its making time to do the Monday Check in.

I have lost weight.  Good.  I have increased physical activity.  Good.  I have even worked on my other long term goal of going back to school.  Thanks needs to go to my Mom who paid my debt to University of Phoenix. I finished my application and I will be returning to my classes on 4-30-13.  I decided to change my major.  I will not be finishing my Bachelors degree in Business Management, instead I will return to my roots and take Information Technology.  My major focus of study will be Multimedia Visual Design and Communication.  That seems to be more inline with my past behavior of spending all available time either on the internet or involved in theatrics.
 Also helps that I work as a contractor for Facebook.  It just means that the daily tie in is simple rather than complicated.

So yeah me!  Got some weight off and finally made good on the threat to go back to school.

 I have also made some changes to how with Cub Scouts Pack is run since I am now Officially in charge of my pack as the Pack Chairman.  I had a hyper focus moment and wrote some Parent Cliff notes that I showed around Tuesday night.


I will post those Cliff Notes soon.  I have a few minor updates before I share it with you.  It is six mind blowing pages of incredible information that is specific to our Cub Scouts Pack and general information all in one place.  Go figure that out.  Ask any "Scout Parent", you know the one that does everything for the pack all by themselves and they can't get anyone to help or volunteer without being bitch why that is.  The will tell you they don't know why no one steps up. I think I know.  Now my pack will test that theory.

Week 2 On track

Week 2
So it goes like this

Weight:  209.4
Lean mass 56.8
Body Fat 43.2
Blood Pressure 131/97
Pulse 84

So I am certain that I lost some weight as last week the scale at work said I weighed 212.

  212

- 209
      3

I thought I lost more, but math is not my strong point.  My lean mass also increased, which is good because that means I am growing more calorie burning muscle, and as a result my body fat decreased a tiny bit too.

How did I do it? 
No I did not go to the gym everyday.  I would bet if I didn't write it in my blog I had planned on going everyday for 1 hour!!!!  Yeah that did not happen.  I didn't make it to the gym at all last week.  What I did do was walk for 20-30 minutes each day during my work lunch break.  I skipped on Friday, but hey it was Friday a girl needs a break!

And that was it, sorta.  I got my butt off the couch and moved most of the weekend.  I took my kids to build pinewood derby cars on Saturday   On Sunday, my oldest helped me work on the backyard garden.  We moved crazy heavy tires to the corner of our yard and filled them with compost.  I even think that qualifies for SuperMom status.

I also mowed the lawn because waist high weeds is not attractive, even if it is in the backyard and the neighbors can't see it.

That was it.  I didn't stop visiting the pantry for delicious snacks or suddenly loose my way to all the drive thrus in town.  I even ate greasy pizza from my kids favorite place, Peter Piper.

I still want instant results, but I will find out next week if I need to make other changes to keep the weight going down and the muscle growing.  I might even make it to the gym one day this week 

Fat and Fustrated

I am making this Day One of a my year long goal to get my weight under control.  I have tried over the last 2 months to loose weight by controlling my diet.

Yeah, I know, I am impulsive with food.  I made great changes to my diet and had days were I felt Fantastic.  Unfortunately my home scale is temperamental and has not worked much the last 3 months.  I was lucky to get a reading if any at all from the silly thing.

Current Stats
Weight:  212
Waist:  To be measured, but my pants that fit last month tight look absolutely ridiculous today.
Thigh Measurement:  Elephant Trunk
Resting Heart Rate:
Resting Blood Pressure:
After Excersize Heart Rate: 102
After Excersize Blood Presure:  133/95
Body Mass Fat: 43%
Lean Mass 57%

Got pants, panties, and bras that are all too tight.  Muffin top is rising  like a ball of fresh yeast dough ready to go in the oven.

Why so Large? My theories:
 the obvious, I eat too much of the ultra delicious American crap
almost obvious, I take Lexapro, which has a side effect of weight gain
not Obvious, possible Thyroid issue, for which I visited my doctor last week.  Waiting on test results.

My internal body image looks like this:
                                                                                                               But it is really more like this on the outside:  

Forgot my Strattera

I knew I did when I got out of the car.  I was close to running late.  Totally my fault, I stopped at the grocery store to grab some fresh fruit.

Only writing this because I am bored at work.  Just succeeded on closing another sale, so my boss will likely ignore that I am way off task, again.

Found this interesting picture while searching on Facebook.  

I first noticed I forgot to take my Strattera when I wasted nearly 1 hour on Pinterest this morning   I intended to go take it at lunch.  I even walked to the car to get it.  But I forgot the keys.  Then forgot why I was there and went for a stroll.  There was so much interesting trash in the canal that I ended up wasting the entire hour.  Ooops.