Covered in lint

Well I am.  I have a nice new shirt.  I have 3 dogs and 3 cats.  I can't find a fucking lint roller because my 5-year-old thinks it's a toy.

No one wants to be around me because I am angry.  No one wants to allow me some time to be angry.  I just finished my divorce.  I was married to a guy that never wanted to be with me.  He seems to have married me because "it was the right thing to do".  It never was, I wanted a partner, someone to lift me up, not put me down.  I should be angry for not getting a divorce sooner.

Why can't I be angry?

It's not like he has lived up to his end of the divorce. He's not paying child support. I am angry about that!  The 'system' that is supposed to ensure the children are financially cared for is broken.  I am angry that I can't just give the contact information to the court to have them notify his employer.  It fucking sucks!  I know where he works.  I know the address. But he wants to skip out on it and there is nothing I can do that will make the 'system' work.

NO, money to hire a lawyer to handle it for me.

NO one to help me hold the tears in when I have to tell the kids, no we can't get that.  Sorry kids we can't afford desert after Scouts tonight.  How is that fair or right when he is taking a vacation?  No he's not taking the kids.

And I look at my shirt and cry because it's covered in lint. Trapped.

Day eight!!!

I awoke today feeling great! The alarms went off and I didn't go back to sleep. I woke the kids and they did what I have been dreaming they would for years! They just did the things they were supposed to and when they got off track only a gentle nudge. They seem less on edge and more willing to do those chores. Perhaps it's due to the realistic expectations of what hey can do. They aren't perfect and they didn't get demeaned for not completing tasks with military precision. So the things just got done.

Big smile.

The sudden understanding of Julia Roberts' character in Sleeping with the Enemy when she finally feels free from her abuser. It's a surreal feeling to be able to be yourself. No fear or anxiety No overwhelming need to do things for someone else their way on their time table. It's bizarre when you realize you don't need to make the bed right away or panic when the kids spill some cereal on the counter. Or to be able to dance without some one looking down on you or telling you, you can't dance. How weird to be freed. The things that have become habits out of fear and avoidance are slushing off. It is that sexy liberating feeling you imagine in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts' character receives her prince charming in her crappy apartment.

It's just great!

Oh, and the chores are so much easier and quicker to finish!