Love the Way you Lie

Eminem has been my best friend for a month. The man puts a smile on my face.  He reminds me that I used to be a fun and colorful person.

The man makes me cry uncontrollably. The lyrics to his work are painful. They let me feel what I have had to hide for my own safety.  I spent years hiding the pain of a loveless marriage from my co-workers, friends, and family. It's truly amazing my cracks didn't show.

They did show.

I'd spent years in a loveless, abusive marriage.  So bad that my friends knew not to come around when he was.  The marriage went on so long my friends eventually stopped showing up at all. It happens.  Ask any other victim.  The just can't handle that leaving isn't simple.  They can't deal with you not taking the advice and leaving right now. After all they would leave that kinda relationship, they'd just go.  But they don't understand, shelters are full, you can't take 3 kids and stay on a couch indefinitely or that your family has religious ideas about marriage and won't accept he's bad.

Self-esteem hits all time lows.

I began to believe I deserved it. I convinced myself if I'd just suck his dick like he wants it'll stop.  It didn't.  He lied.  I stopped school cause he didn't want me in it.  I ate to relieve the pain.  I gained weight, he hated me more.  Called me fat. I ate more. Vicious cycle.

Even lost a job because of the marriage.  My employer could see the escalation from emotional and psychological to physical abuse was near.  I left with the kids.  But I was jobless and car less.  I caved, he said he was sorry, there wouldn't be a next time.  He lied.

He spent money.  Money we didn't have.  We were always broke.  The thought that he spent all the money intentionally so I couldn't leave haunts me.

The fear that every time he takes the kids it will be the last time I see them alive is real.  He hasn't paid child support yet. So I guess they are safe until then.

I fear that the temper I protected the kids from while we were married will be used on them when he finally has to contribute.  I can't jump in and take the hit for them, the court won't protect them until he beats them.  That fear tortures me at night.

I know he doesn't love me. Love is blind.  Love the way you lie.

Covered in lint

Well I am.  I have a nice new shirt.  I have 3 dogs and 3 cats.  I can't find a fucking lint roller because my 5-year-old thinks it's a toy.

No one wants to be around me because I am angry.  No one wants to allow me some time to be angry.  I just finished my divorce.  I was married to a guy that never wanted to be with me.  He seems to have married me because "it was the right thing to do".  It never was, I wanted a partner, someone to lift me up, not put me down.  I should be angry for not getting a divorce sooner.

Why can't I be angry?

It's not like he has lived up to his end of the divorce. He's not paying child support. I am angry about that!  The 'system' that is supposed to ensure the children are financially cared for is broken.  I am angry that I can't just give the contact information to the court to have them notify his employer.  It fucking sucks!  I know where he works.  I know the address. But he wants to skip out on it and there is nothing I can do that will make the 'system' work.

NO, money to hire a lawyer to handle it for me.

NO one to help me hold the tears in when I have to tell the kids, no we can't get that.  Sorry kids we can't afford desert after Scouts tonight.  How is that fair or right when he is taking a vacation?  No he's not taking the kids.

And I look at my shirt and cry because it's covered in lint. Trapped.

Taboo

Taboo

I was left wondering what is so taboo about sharing your life after I stopped laughing at the silly bickering left in the comments.

Why is it not okay to share? I know some will say you need to keep your problems to yourself, it's not our business. I must disagree.

Here's why. Not sharing is how critical mass was reached in my marriage. Now I am not looking for a meddling mother in law. But when people keep their worries and joys to themselves they ultimately suffer and do does the community at large.

See there is someone out there that is going to read these blog post and see their own marriage. They might recognize that they need to seek help before they need assistance from the police or find themselves in divorce court. Even more important a friend or family member may realize that your family needs help ending a dysfunctional cycle and help intervene.

So why don't I share good things? Oh I do, it's just right now the amount of bad things are more plentiful.

Day four....

Today was a whirlwind! My baby is still sick, though the fever seems to be breaking. He hasn't been more than 100 all day! When this kid gets sick; he really gets sick. He took two naps today! Yeah me I got to shower and wash a load of laundry!

I checked the bank balance, and just as one would suspect the bank account is broke. A tiny bummer because my oldest wanted to buy a toy for his friends birthday party. :(. I took the two older boys to the party where they jumped and jumped to their hearts delight! It was a family style birthday, the kind that reminded me of my dysfunctional cousins from back when we lives on the south aide of town. If you've got no clue what I am talking about imagine this: a bouncey house in the front, music blasting in English and Spanish, baroque grilling, rented tables and chairs lining the front driveway And all the neighborhood kids running around.
My kids enjoyed themselves, had fun with the piñata and ate ice cream cake till they got ice creAm headaches! Being a south side family type party I came home with two burgers with all the toppings, four hot dogs, extra cake, a bag of juicy and ripe oranges, and half a dozen juice boxes. I forgot to mention the pound of candy!

I browsed the residential streets of Peoria. I tell my kids it treasure hunting. I drive around looking for something good in the stuff that wealthier people throw out on bulk trash collection. Last year I found a nice tv stand that is being used to hold all the other equipment in the living room. I didn't find anything today. :(

Positive note my klout score increased this weekend. If you don't know about klout.com you might want to try them out. It's a way to see how influential you are online. It is actually interesting to learn what make them go up and what has no effect.

I know what your wondering...Did she go home? What happened since yesterday? Not much interaction. But ha has placed a rebuttal in the comments to my last few days of post. Just as before I have made the decision to leave the comments unedited. They are there for all to read if you'd like. Other than that there was no actual progress or any set backs for the day.

I did spend sometime taking some of those Cosmo type quizzes about should you get a divorce, Lack of surprise they all said I should except for the quiz on Dr. Phil. As far as I can tell only one or two percent of the divorced would meet Dr. Phil's standard to get a divorce. So he either thinks nearly all relationships can be saved or thinks most people are far more mature and level headed than we are.

Day three...

Exhausted last night. My two year old is still feverish. I called the urgent care clinic back because he had developed a bad cough and they requested I bring him back.

I didn't have a car or a stroller. I considered walking the mile and buying a stroller after the appointment at the nearby Target and taking a cab. Both seemed like poor options. I sent a text message to my estranged husband asking to bring me the Car. Seeing as how he hadn't responded to the previous text about the kids being ill I didn't hold out much hope. I prepared to walk.

Surprise! He text back saying he would be over in five. He arrived.

The next five minutes were the most awkward in all the history of our marriage. Absolute silence and the longest red light of my life; longer than any red light on Grand Ave as a train passes by.

Long end to the story I got the keys and the car back! I took my baby back to the urgent care where I was instructed to keep giving the antibiotics and add a cortisteroid and over counter cough syrup. My five year old went to school for the first time this week, Friday. And my eight year old added coughing to his cold.

Day two...

Another day. I am quite convinced this seperation will end in divorce. I have accepted what my conselors, family and friends have know for years, that my husband is an abuser. No I don't have physical bruises, but I have the kind you can't see....

He remains in his rage mode. He did not go to school or work today. I am certain he did this because he was afraid I would steal my own car.

Because he did not leave the house today I was forced to get a police escort into my own home so I could get a few more clothes for my kids. When we arrived it was obvious that he had just been smoking Mary Jane, but the officer didn't arrest him. He still refuses to hand over the car keys. He actually removed the keys from my key ring just so I couldn't have them.

The kids are doing well. Perhaps they feel safe here at my mothers house. We don't have beds here. The kids are sleeping on an air mattress and still enjoying it, for now.

They are safely tucked in bed. I am sticking as closely to our routine as I can. I kept the promise to take them to Peter Piper Pizza for the school fundraiser. My mother drove us. I believe she is petrified he could do something unpredictable. We will be changing the locks and garage codes.

Strangely I am calmer than i was when staying with him. Weird feeling being at peace. Not worried I didn't do it good enough. Not worried I forgot to take the trash out, sweep the floor, hang clean towels in the bathroom or the mess the kids made in their room.