Generalized and Social Anxiety and the benefit of being an Introvert

Photo Credit Instagram @ajnickmom

Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety Disorder

Both are common co-morbid disorder in ADHD.  It's a weird combination ADHD and any anxiety.  It's weird because we have a tendency to get lost in the moment which could result in us saying something that offends someone, or at least we think it does.  And then it keeps us up with overwhelming worry or causes us to avoid people and situations because we some how messed it all up. 

My job is like that.  I'd like to hide. Hide away from the social interactions that make me feel so awkward.  Make me feel like I am being judged.  Make me feel paranoid.  What did I do?  Do they not like me?  Did I offend them?  Is that topic too taboo for work, for other Moms, for Cub Scouts, for PTO, for the cashier at Michael's? Why Do I always miss the social ques that others seem to get?  

Did I wear too much make-up?  Is this top too revealing?  I am I too fat?  Is this lip color to bold for work?  Is there such a thing?  Questions like this plague a mind that lives with Anxiety.  

ADHD makes me loud at the wrong moments.  ADHD leaves my words unfiltered. ADHD gives me wings.  ADHD lets me be creative.  ADHD means I can see the world in ways the "normal people" can't.  ADHD means I can't follow you conventions.  A demand to sit still, just doesn't work on me. ADHD means I can, and will get lost in thoughts, the moment, the project.  It means I can hyper-focus on that thing that is driving you mad in attempts to get my focus on whatever thing that was I should be doing.  ADHD means I have short-term memory issues, that wrong you did to me, I probably forgot.  Oh you owe me $5.00, when did I give you that?  Yesterday?  Oh, okay, thanks.  

Then Anxiety comes back and I fell like you are judging me for forgetting...  I feel like a cactus full of thorns when I interact with you.  I want to run and hide.  But like the cactus photographed here, I am in the spotlight for all to criticize.  

Another Day, another dollar...

No not earned, spent.  Still no job.  Turns out my Dad didn't remember he was going to help me watch the kids this morning so, I didn't have a sitter for my morning job interview.

Panic!

Pure panic!  I didn't know what to do.  I asked my neighbor Helen, but she had a doctors appointment.  My normal last minute sitter didn't answer her phone.  No one left to call, but my little bro who now works nights.  I know he appreciated the call 2 hours after he had gone to bed for the day!  I had no choice... Of course I could have left 3 kids completely unattended in a strange parking lot while I went to the interview....

Thanks Little Bro!  It helped a lot even if I didn't get that job, yet.  But I just might work on getting that job for next year.  Sounds good, damn bankruptcy keeps me from accepting the job today!!!!!!  Pay is was above average, and the interview went great until he said I had to be clear of a bankruptcy 3 years and one whole day.  Damn!  That is not happening until March 2nd, 2013.  Assuming the Mayans were wrong.


Onward again, this time I went to the maid service, but lack of child care made me rely on my Mom and Step Dad, who were tired, so I didn't get to interview today.   Must return tomorrow, but my car is in the shop for scheduled maintenance.    GRRRRR!

Texted my husband for his truck,  he got sassy.  Not helpful as I was in the potential maid services office trying to schedule my follow up interview.  Somehow, I will get to that follow up appointment, even if I need to rent a car or walk all the way there.


Hoping for a dollar earned tomorrow. 

Days five and six...

On day five he asked to see the kids. I ate an entire bag of circus peanuts and pulled all the weeds from my step fathers front lawn by hand while they were gone for the afternoon. The hardest part of the visit had been getting our five year old to go, as he insisted Dad had locked him out of the house.

My mother made chop suey and egg rolls. My stomach didn't know what to do with real food, the curry made my tummy warm and fussy.

He texted me that the kids were done eating, so I went to get them. That's ere he told me he didn't want a divorce and he doesn't like my blog. I than explained that me writing on my public journal is not any different than me going to a coffee house and talking to a gaggle of my cousins and friends. He didn't seem to understand that the thing he dislikes most about the blog happens everyone a spouse goes and tells their family about the other.

He also didn't seem to understand that the biggest problem he has right now is the fear he has created in me and our kids. It the main reason the trust has been broken and he reason I gave for he needing to leave the house and not live with me right now. The examples given had been said before and just as before he claimed I had never told him those things. It's incredibly frustrating to hear you never said that before. It incredibly frustrating to hear I will go to counseling, when the promise has been empty for so long.

It's really hard to deal with the excuses of why he hasn't gone. It's hard to understand why anyone would think it would be different, especially my mother. I believe she doesn't understand how things can look so good from the outside and be bad underneath.

On day six he text me requesting the sleeping bag from my step fathers shed. It set up a nearly impossible task with the time table of 40 minutes. He asked at 645 am. The big problem was the camping gear is buried. He should have known that, but I guess it just slipped his mind. After getting he kids up and out of bed, I emptied out the shed. It took me about 35 minutes to get out the camping gear, barely making it out in time for him and the kids to go to school.

He officially vacated the apartment so kids and I can stop sleeping on he floor. We returned home and I put back all their clothing. Unbelievably exhausted I went to sleep with the kids after reading the story