Another Day, another dollar...

No not earned, spent.  Still no job.  Turns out my Dad didn't remember he was going to help me watch the kids this morning so, I didn't have a sitter for my morning job interview.

Panic!

Pure panic!  I didn't know what to do.  I asked my neighbor Helen, but she had a doctors appointment.  My normal last minute sitter didn't answer her phone.  No one left to call, but my little bro who now works nights.  I know he appreciated the call 2 hours after he had gone to bed for the day!  I had no choice... Of course I could have left 3 kids completely unattended in a strange parking lot while I went to the interview....

Thanks Little Bro!  It helped a lot even if I didn't get that job, yet.  But I just might work on getting that job for next year.  Sounds good, damn bankruptcy keeps me from accepting the job today!!!!!!  Pay is was above average, and the interview went great until he said I had to be clear of a bankruptcy 3 years and one whole day.  Damn!  That is not happening until March 2nd, 2013.  Assuming the Mayans were wrong.


Onward again, this time I went to the maid service, but lack of child care made me rely on my Mom and Step Dad, who were tired, so I didn't get to interview today.   Must return tomorrow, but my car is in the shop for scheduled maintenance.    GRRRRR!

Texted my husband for his truck,  he got sassy.  Not helpful as I was in the potential maid services office trying to schedule my follow up interview.  Somehow, I will get to that follow up appointment, even if I need to rent a car or walk all the way there.


Hoping for a dollar earned tomorrow. 

Happy Birthday.... Should you call the cops?!!

Well I am starting to think my birthday is just a bad day.  Last year my car had been broken into.  That should be one of the earliest post on this blog.  It sucked.  I spent the day calling banks, notifying all kinds of people and dealing with the Police.  This year also sucked, only much worse!

Instead of having a birthday party, which no one offered to throw for me.  I spent the day caring for two sick kids.  Yeah, I know it sucks to spend the day at home with a pukey kid, let alone two.  Both kids started the day with fevers, and christening me in their vomit.  I changed my clothes 4 times due to the festivities and bathed twice.  I did 4 loads of bedding covered in bright red vomit.  My fault, I gave my kids red Kool Aid.  Still quite gross. 

So that was bad.  And any normal person would be like that sucks!  Can I please have a do over?!  But the day got much worse.

As I write this posting I am quite confused.  I would say BEFUDDLED if the word didn't seem to be so light-hearted, but alas, I sit before you confused, flaberghasted, appalled and baffled, and befuddled. 

Sick kids is bad.  I started to feel a little sick myself this afternoon, also bad.  But it was a Tuesday, and in my house that means Cub Scouts from 6:30-8:00pm at the local church.  Today was slightly different than our usual, take the kids and supervise them as they learn Boy Things like tying knots, it was a parent meeting.  So that sounds really boring.  And I supposed if I was not an active Committee Member it would be.  I took on the role of Lake Pleasant District Council Scout-O-Rama Chair and Pack 293 Scout-O-Rama Chair, so tonight I had a lot to talk about.  Its big. Its fun.  Its a thing worth doing.  Unfortunately, I'd spent the day caring for sick kids and had forgotten all about the flyers I wanted to make, so in typical ADHD fashion I started making the flyer at 5:45pm when we need to be in the car by 6:10 and on our way.  5:45 is usually when I start getting kids and shoes paired together with anything else like jackets and dues. 

So I made my flyers.  I spoke, parents were not fans of the Assumptive Sales Plans or that volunteering for 4 hour shifts would be a bit different this year.  We talked about the goal of getting 75% of the Scouts to participate in the fundraiser and what participation qualified as.  So, I talked alot and so did some of the other parents that have been the Scout-O-Rama Chair in the past.  Before this started I had texted my husband that I wanted Carolina's for dinner.  No I never sent a message stating what dish I wanted.  The meeting had started and I was not in a position to look down and read text, as I was a presenter. 

I called when the meeting finally finished and asked if he had gotten food.  He said yes, so I went home with 2 sick kids and a very excited Cub Scout who had just learned he would be going to Camp Digalus.  I gathered my things and pushed the kids inside with the expectation of delicious mexican food for me.  Only there was no food for me.  I put my phone down on the dock station in my bedroom, as I do by a forced habit.  (I've lost my phone many times!)  I came out of the room and asked the question any other hungry birthday girl would ask, "Where's my food?"  Was I smiling? No, I was confused and famished.  Was there an air of attitude?  Possibly, but not enough to trigger what happened....

There was an explosion of rage in my house.  Not the first time this has happened, as I have told you in the past my husband has a way of simply exploding with little warning.  Having just walked in the door and still feeling a tad feverish, my eyes got huge like an animal who sees the on comming headlights of a distant car.   He screamed at me, I am sure the neighbors heard.  I yelled back, "What did I do?!!!"  He screamed more about how I didn't respond to his text message!  And how was he supposed to know I didn't eat?!! I attempted to explain what I did at the Cub Scouts Parent Meeting and how I didn't know he sent me a text because I was leading a group.  Then he ranted about how he can't respond to text messages and my phone calls at work!  (Bewildered and hungry I reached for my purse and grabbed my keys)  I said if you needed me to tell you, you should have called.  I started walking outside as He screamed more, and stammered to his food wadded it up and throw uneatten, perfectly good food in to the garbage can as if he was celebrating a game winning touch down.  Floored by the tempertantrum I continued walking out to go get myself my birthday dinner.  He Screamed wildly about how he would go get it for me.  I declined, and Said, "No, I will get my food. "

I made it to the car.  I didn't run.  But perhaps I should have.  I started the car began closing the door, when he swung it back open.  With the engine running, I buckled my seat belt and told him to leave so I could close the door.  Some very unwitty banter happened.  Then he reached across me and yanked the keys out of the ignition.  He ran.  Ran back into the house and locked the door! 

Can you believe that?  I was locked out of my own home, with my kids trapped inside.  I banged on the door, shouted about my cell phone being inside.  He briefly returned to the door to scold me like a child and slam the door again!  Left out in the cold, crying.  Unable to understand what had just happened, cold hungry.  I pleaded to let me in, but nothing.  Just the sound of my sick two year old crying. 

I went to the car, the door still unlocked, looked for a coat.  I stood there, baffled.  Angry, I left.  I began the 1 mile walk to my mothers house.  I didn't have a phone so I could not call anyone for advice.  As I approached the Circle K on the corner I considered asking them to call the Police.  Upset, I continued walking towards my mothers house.  I was one block from her house when she drove up. 

2 hours later, I am still wondering should I call the cops?  Should I go take the kids? What would you do? How do you explain this to 3 frightened kids?

So how

Do you convince a new boss that they are that tiny push over the edge and that it can be changed?  Don't know.  I didn't succeed, so instead I will have to figure out how to change so that is not the thing that pushes me over the edge.

Not sure how one explains something that is all in your head to someone who doesn't have it all in their head....  Huh.  So, new job looks like it is a perfect fit, and I still believe it really is the perfect job.  It is the job I was intended to do, I know, God has been giving me clues for years, but now I am stuck in the mire of generalized anxiety disorder and an obvious dip back into the deep end of the depression pool.  Its hard to explain what you feel when just breathing seems like an overwhelming challenge when the person you want to understand seem just so perfectly capable of handling things the world has dealt.  It does not seem like my boss is the one covered in monkey pooh.  Somehow his monkey is obedient or just has really bad aim.

So I work on my plan.  If you don't have a focus problem creating a plan on the go, that deals with long term forecasting and goal setting is probably something you can handle between phone calls, dirty diapers, parent teacher conferences, and urgent family needs.  But if you have that problem of controlling Your Elephant-read that in a book called Switch, I highly recommend people in charge of others read that, maybe you need to decided what you want the elephant to do before you get on.  So that leads me to a really long drawn out business plan, with numbers, and statements about what strengths I have; at a time when I feel like I have none.  Statements about what the future could look like with a bit of effort, you know the stuff that requires you to get off the couch, maybe answer the phone, check some emails and go out and meet some new people.  Mostly it requires me to know what I want, know what that looks like and know how I will know I have achieved that.  All a tall order, but I believe critical for me to actually do what my boss desires, a smiling productive agent that is not as stressed out as I am right now.

So, I guess this was my break.  I should get back to the process of saying what I want, so I can figure out how to get it and declare when I have succeeded.  

Did I really sleep last night?D

I have been wondering around for days in a fog.  Today I am wondering if I am actually sleeping.  Did I sleep last night?  I can't say for sure.  I know I laid down in bed.  I know I stared at the clock many times last night.  I know that I every time I seem to get to sleep I am startled awake.

Take a nap, fall asleep, husband opens door to bedroom to get socks.  Scared the begibize out of me.  I could not go back to sleep.

Baby wakes up.  Not really fair to call him a baby since he is nearly two, but he started sleeping in his room, but he still wakes up in the middle of the night.  I got up and brought him to my bed, it was already 5:45 am.

Finally back asleep...  Husband enters room frantically searching for his truck keys!  Where did I put them he asked.  Like I misplaced them.  And yes I often misplace things I pick up, like his keys, but I swore I put them back on the hook.  I got out of bed, checked the hamper, searched every pocket, could not remember what clothes I wore last! He suddenly leaves the apartment, but did not tell me if he found the keys.  I look out the window, he is not in the truck.

Where the hell did he go?  For a walk, he went to look for the keys in the grassy area near the kids bus stop.  Oh, great I did not misplace the keys, he did.  And now I can't go back to sleep.

Are We ever going to have enough....

Just three minutes ago I resolved to do something about this plaguing problem!  I decided without discussion with my spouse that "We" will save some of our tax return in a savings account not connected with our checking account, and that "We" will save some of "His" paycheck in that account.  Huh, I bet I, I mean He will think we should have discussed this.  He is probably right.

I watched another documentary today.  I like watching those, it is like watching Fox News channel without all the commercials or theatrics.  Just in case you did not know I love to park the TV on Fox News, it is like my white noise machine.  Anyway the documentary was called "One Percent".  If you haven't watched, I don't recommend it for entertainment value as I have seen far more moving documentaries about the same subject, maybe it was the poor sound track choices.  Anyway.  For some reason I decided to do something a few minutes ago.  "One Percent" is a show by a Johnson & Johnson heir who is concerned about the disparages between the Richest One Percent and the rest of us.  He interviews a few of the riches billionaire's and a few heirs to their fortunes as well as poor folks.  He is unhappy with how big the gap is, and seems to be concerned that their is not a way out of the cycle for the poor, but he does not offer any solutions on what could be done to change the plight of the poor.

While I am not a fan of President Obama's policies on social services, I find myself literally torn in two on the subject.  First I think the idea of Universal Health Care for all is a ridiculously bad idea, not just Obama Care.  I don't like big government or the United States debt, and most of the policies.  I am not certain I am a Republican, but I do find Glenn Beck entertaining, and most of the redistribution of wealth ideas presented over the last 20 years appalling.

But as a poor American Citizen trying to redefine what the American Dream is I currently accept Food Stamps and Medicaid.  I know I said Universal Health Care is a bad idea, I also have to accept the bad choice, because individual private health insurance in Arizona is completely unaffordable. (Note: Arizona's private health insurance is unaffordable because the State Government has Mandated coverage of many life saving treatments, as well as many alternatives.  These Mandates about the types of minimum services covered has greatly reduced the number of providers to choose from which has increased the price.  Something about Supply v Demand, limited supply/choices in AZ means those rotten Insurance companies that are mandated to cover stuff can demand higher fees.) So as you can see the health insurance issue leaves me with two bad choices, spend 2/3 the yearly salary on health insurance or accept state Medicaid.  Oh, and it is only two choices that I have at this moment, the second I find an employer that offers health insurance I am so off this medicaid program.

Not sure why that popped into my head.  We are considered poor.  My household qualifies for food stamps, medical care, probably section 8 housing, pell grants, discounts on utilities, food boxes and other assistance from charities.  We have lived paycheck to paycheck for as long as we have been working.  I lived paycheck to paycheck before I was married and thought that when I got married that would end.  It did not.  Does not seem to want to end.  So how to change it?



So how do I solve the Are we ever going to have enough problem?  I think I will start by building a savings account.  Not a lot, because we all ready spent half our tax refund on a new to us Truck, paid off the loan shark installment plan to Pruitt's Furniture for our couch and 2 chairs.  And yes, my husband had to take time off work because I had surgery, and no his employer does not provide any paid leave, not even sick days, so some of that tax check went right to helping us bridge the gap created by the missing pay checks, something that makes me rather angry!  I so hoped that the tax check money would do something to help pull us out of the whole we are in so we could be come Middle Class Americans instead of Poor Americans.   I can only hope that setting aside just 25% of our tax check helps us in some way, may the economy have mercy on our savings, and may we learn new ways to make the two pennies we got go that much further.  Damn to hell the $5.00 gas that is coming!

Kids Allowance

A big stressor in my house and I am sure yours if you have school aged kids is the toys they want.  We all know that toys are not a "need" the way the kids whine it is.  And if you keep giving in and buying just 1-2 toys per month, plus some ice cream from the ice cream truck, an ice when you stop for gas or candy at the grocery store so you can get out without a big tantrum then you are secretly spending tons of money on your kids.  I know I was.  It was an expensive way to go.

If you have babies and have never encountered this problem of "I need" coming from your child's mouth you will as soon as they can say it.  The "I need" problem is much worse when you have cable or let your kids watch weekend cartoons on broadcast tv.  The kids see commercials and instantly they Need what ever it is.  It has always been this way.  My kids are not special, I am certain I did the same thing to my parents.

Now I am older, a tiny bit wiser?  I never learned the value while I was a child or the value of saving my money and did not even Know how to manage money.  Yes I can add and subtract, and I even had a calculator when I was younger to check the math, but never understood the value of money.  If you read that statement and it did not make sense to you, you also do not know the value of money.

On the stressor of "I need".  I tried chore charts.  You know the kind where your kids check off the things they did like setting the dinner table, making their bed, ect.  I found the problem with this was my own problems with ADHD.  It was simply complicated to remember to ask the kids to do a daily chore and then remind them to check off that it was done.  Lord knows I won't remember how many chores they did that week without a list.  When I did the chore chart, I paid ten cents a chore.  I know it does not sound like a lot of money, but just having your kid make their bed 7 days a week is $.070, add a few other chores and it could add up to a whole bunch of cash.

After several weeks of forgetting to pay my son's allowance on time we discontinued the whole paid for chores thing because little kids can't keep up the list and Mommy simply doesn't remember to remind them to do it every time.  While my kids liked the money they got for doing their chores, they did not like the hassle of checking things off everytime.  I did not like seeing the disappointment in their eyes after not getting paid for the things they did but forgot to check off.

So we went months without a good answer to the "I need" problem.  And about a month ago my husband okayed a new allowance plan, just give them each $5.00 each week.  Before you go say that is stupid, it comes with one rule: For every dollar they recieve, they must put twenty-five cents into their bank account.  That rule goes for when my oldest gets extra money from his Nana and Tata for good grades on his spelling test or helping with something at their house.  This rule also applies to gift money. Don't get mad, cause if you are you don't see the point and you are probably dead broke too.

Why this rule?  I am not trying to teach charity, that comes later and out of the goodness of their hearts and pockets.  This rule teaches the one thing I did not get about money, saving is critically important!  It must be automatic by the time they are in high school otherwise they will make the same unwise choices we did.  This savings account will be their money when they are old enough, that could be 16 for a car, or when they go to college or buy their first house, or they may never need it and someday retire billionaires! (That is not a joke, if inflation continues it will take billions to retire in 80-90 years. )

So what happen when we took AJ to the bank for the first time.... Wow, what a tantrum!  He kicked and screamed, said it wasn't fair, he wanted to go to the store and buy a toy!  Oh, how angry he was when he did the math and realized that if he put twenty-five cents from all his 4 weeks worth of $5.00 bills that he would not have enough for his toy.  He pouted all the way to the bank.  He pouted while he stood in the long line with Nana.  He grudgingly gave the $5.00 to the bank teller, who gave him a reciept.  His tears of anger turned to tears of joy with the sudden realization that he had $517 in the bank.    He suddenly wanted to put more in the bank, but we reminded him that he could not take this money out until he was much older.

So what happens when you take the younger brothers Nicky who is just 4 and Danny who is only one.  It turns out they don't care that they are giving their money to a strange man at the bank.  They like the sticker.

The lesson I learned... Nearly 8 years old is too late to start teaching the lessons of saving money in the bank for later, but just right for teaching kids to save their money for toys.  At 4 years old, Nicky doesn't know anything, money is something you give the ice cream man and you get something.  Maybe when he is older and can save money to buy the new it toy he will throw a tantrum when putting some into the bank.

The lesson I hope they learn, that saving money should not be an after thought and it should be nearly automatic.  I hope that they see us put a little money aside from each paycheck into savings and learn its going to save their life or at least cushion some hard knocks along the way.

An end

So the world has literally ended.  All the trouble of last week has, well resolved.  I guess that is the simplest way to put it.  It is not very nice to say it that way, a life ended, another will be changed forever, and others will simply need to learn to live again.  Bad things last week resolved themselves badly.  It hurts, makes you feel empty, hopeless and like life just is not fair.

Coping.  So today everyone who's world changed must get out of bed, though it seems impossible to do so.  Today cousins got dressed, fed kids, went to work, made plans to remember.  Tommorow Aunts, and Uncles will do the same.  And the next day sisters and brothers will rise and start the day missing one.  A mother and father will take more days but will start again soon.  That is all that can be done.  Clean the kitchen, vacuum the floor, scrub the bathroom, then again tomorrow.  Eat.

Most of the confusion about my own place in the world still exist.  What can one do?  What can you say when someone else doesn't think your entitled to your own pain?  What can one do when you see your family treating each other badly though they were grown years ago?  What can you do but watch the anger, feel frustration and know that everyone is simply exhausted?  Can anyone relive the tension or help each other rest so that tomorrow is better?

On the death.  Those who are asking why,  I think there is an answer.  I think we die when we have learned what we were here to learn.  There is some lesson God wanted us to learn, and when we have the answer we get to go home.  For some of us, we find the answer and learn the lesson early and we die young.  For those of us unlucky souls, we live long lives, grow gray, some watch their own children go before them, for us left here on earth we haven't found the answer or learned the lessons of life God had in mind. So have faith, you can get home too, it just may take some more time.  I say we ought to envy those who have died young for they were blessed and just maybe if you listen they can provide you clues to the road home.

life through margarita lenses

Okay.  I am probably going to say something I shouldn't cause I had 2 large margaritas.

Today I decided to wash it all away, with some salt and lime.  Because tequila is always a great idea when you life is tough.

First we were definately stressed out.  The whole lack of work vehicle for my husband not working out.  The whole family.  Well if you read the post before you and your family that makes perfect sence.  Alcohol is always a good way to fix problems, oh and that is sarcastic.

Applebees.  We arrived with three kids and by miracle left with three kids, I am pretty sure the same three kids.  Of course those margaritas could have been better then I thought!  The waitress asked what we would like to drink.... "A margarita, on the rocks with lots of salt!" I said.  So of course she brought the biggest margaritas Applebees has.  Repeat the extra generous margarita and tequila from the bartender.

Right now Let me apologize for the poor spelling and grammar.  My margarita was good.  I took a sip and asked my equally grumpy and stressed hubby, "they should make something for extreme stress".  He replied, "they do, its called weed".  That made me wonder if weed will be prescribed for anxiety disorders in Arizona, I mean it will be available for us by prescription.  I also thought or said out loud, "damn, I should have gotten my cousins number, perhaps one of them could share, or provide a hook up."  That seems like something that would work.  Yeah, weed.  I heard Oregon was trying to add ADHD to the list of things weed could be prescribed.

Until any of those wonderfully dreamy things happen alcohol is the only legal thing that gets rid of inhibition.  SOmething I used to be really good at not having and now I can't even apply for a job to get a job interview.  I worry endlessly.

Everything worries me.  Obviously my personal issue with the whole work truck stresses me greatly.  And as if I could forget, even though it has been more then 24 hours since I stepped into ICU, that stresses me.  The whole we are messed up peeps with possible mental health issues that are undercontrol stresses me.  What I ate for dinner stresses me.   The fact that my eye glasses have scratches on me, or that I weight 180 again, or my hair is cool aid red stresses me.  The problem is everything causes worry and I have a prescription for an anxiety medication, but I worry about taking it.  Especially since the last one make my former co-workers think I was drunk at work.

My head is woozy.  I think I should find some tequila and drink it before I realize I am drunk.  Cause if you keep drinking you can't get sober and remember what was so concerning, what was it that made your heart pound, pound so loud you could hear it in your ears.  And pound fast, fast enough to make you think you should stop at the drug store and get your blood pressure checked.

So a few really good margaritas, a stop at Fry's to pay the electric bill at the M-Power box, a bit of junk food and regret for not getting margarita mix.  i know I have kids Advil, Tylenol and stuff  but I had to try really hard not to buy more cause my baby got vaccines on monday and has a fever.  I wonder if he is actually sick.  I guess we will find out when either I or my hubby sobers up.

tired.

Hi.

You might remember me from a few weeks ago.  I was very stressed out about surgery, my husband returning to school and what it would mean for his current job and our only income at the moment.  I was also stressed about getting my son seen and evaluated for ADHD.  I vaguely remember other things like wanting an iPad 2, which I still don't have.

Today I am very tired.  It has already been 2 weeks since surgery, which seems to have gone well.  My husband took off some days from work, which we can't actually afford, but was really needed.  I am able to move again, play with my kids and off pain medication.  That is not why I am tired.  I am tired, I am wondering what my relationship is with my family, should I have more of a relationship with them or is what I got far too much?

I know everyone has family issues.  Everyone has people with issues, both mental mostly medical and those that are from bad choices or behavior.  It seems lately my family is troubled.  If you are my family and your reading this then you know about recent arrests, general association with the wrong crowds, bad relationships and I mean violent in every way, bad health, preventable deaths, financial troubles, mostly all the bad things.

So why so tired?  A personal crisis and a set of family crisis.  Monday was a rather bad day.  But it all started last week.  Last week an older, but still young man in my family past away and was buried on Saturday.  Saturday night a pair of my cousins went for a ride in a stolen car.  One hangs on for life the other is expected to live, recover fully, I don't know.  It is hard being alienated from my family because I found out about the crisis with my cousins Monday evening about 5pm.  That alone was rough, be ware of family messages posted on Facebook, they may bring awful news.  So the personal cries also happened just before 5pm.  My husbands work van broke down.  He is the owner of the vehicle and no the person he works for does not care that the van does not work, he is not going to help us fix it or provide a temporary work vehicle, so now my husband can't work.

I stayed at the hospital a while Monday night, not knowing what was happening or what my role should be I sat in the ICU waiting room.  It was reported that I was the calmest person there.  Not certain that was true.  I think I might have been the most distracted there, possibly that was confused for calmness.  I returned home late last night and for the fourth night in a row had trouble going to sleep.  My eyes are puffy, dry, heavy, dull, lifeless.  My reaction time is no existent.  I remembered to take my baby to his wellness doctors appointment this morning, though we were late and the doc was annoyed.  I stopped by the hospital since I was kinda close after the doc appointment, and found that small children are not welcome in ICU.  I waited around awhile, but I did not find any cousins or aunts in the waiting room this time so I did not see my cousins though I want too.  I hear Star is doing better, but has not been told her brother is in bad shape.  And he was when I saw him late last night.  He seemed too young to be so gravely injured, yet strangely did not seem to have more then a mere scratch on his arm.

I tried to sleep this afternoon when I returned.  My husband is rather upset and stressed about the work vehicle issue.  I can't get more then a few harsh words out of him today.  I tried a few minutes ago to start a spaghetti dinner and was told he did not want spaghetti.  I asked about some drumsticks, which I was told to never buy again because he can't tell if they are cooked all the way.  So I stopped making the dinner and asked what he wanted but never got an answer.  I started writing this.  This made him angry.  He started making the spaghetti dinner I was going to make after slamming around the dirty dishes.

So I am tired.  Wonder if I will sleep finally.  Wonder if I should be closer to my family, should they have my telephone number?  Do I belong in an ICU waiting room or far away in my usually isolation? Just tired.  My eyes are burning.