wife

The word wife is a noun.  

A noun is a thing.

A thing belongs to someone, it is owned.

A wife is an owned thing.  

The word husband is an adjective.  

An adjective describes what a noun's action is. 

A man "manages" a wife. 

Again, wife is a noun. 

A noun is a thing. 

I've spent the last few years... a little more than a decade, hidden behind wife.

Love the Way you Lie

Eminem has been my best friend for a month. The man puts a smile on my face.  He reminds me that I used to be a fun and colorful person.

The man makes me cry uncontrollably. The lyrics to his work are painful. They let me feel what I have had to hide for my own safety.  I spent years hiding the pain of a loveless marriage from my co-workers, friends, and family. It's truly amazing my cracks didn't show.

They did show.

I'd spent years in a loveless, abusive marriage.  So bad that my friends knew not to come around when he was.  The marriage went on so long my friends eventually stopped showing up at all. It happens.  Ask any other victim.  The just can't handle that leaving isn't simple.  They can't deal with you not taking the advice and leaving right now. After all they would leave that kinda relationship, they'd just go.  But they don't understand, shelters are full, you can't take 3 kids and stay on a couch indefinitely or that your family has religious ideas about marriage and won't accept he's bad.

Self-esteem hits all time lows.

I began to believe I deserved it. I convinced myself if I'd just suck his dick like he wants it'll stop.  It didn't.  He lied.  I stopped school cause he didn't want me in it.  I ate to relieve the pain.  I gained weight, he hated me more.  Called me fat. I ate more. Vicious cycle.

Even lost a job because of the marriage.  My employer could see the escalation from emotional and psychological to physical abuse was near.  I left with the kids.  But I was jobless and car less.  I caved, he said he was sorry, there wouldn't be a next time.  He lied.

He spent money.  Money we didn't have.  We were always broke.  The thought that he spent all the money intentionally so I couldn't leave haunts me.

The fear that every time he takes the kids it will be the last time I see them alive is real.  He hasn't paid child support yet. So I guess they are safe until then.

I fear that the temper I protected the kids from while we were married will be used on them when he finally has to contribute.  I can't jump in and take the hit for them, the court won't protect them until he beats them.  That fear tortures me at night.

I know he doesn't love me. Love is blind.  Love the way you lie.

Covered in lint

Well I am.  I have a nice new shirt.  I have 3 dogs and 3 cats.  I can't find a fucking lint roller because my 5-year-old thinks it's a toy.

No one wants to be around me because I am angry.  No one wants to allow me some time to be angry.  I just finished my divorce.  I was married to a guy that never wanted to be with me.  He seems to have married me because "it was the right thing to do".  It never was, I wanted a partner, someone to lift me up, not put me down.  I should be angry for not getting a divorce sooner.

Why can't I be angry?

It's not like he has lived up to his end of the divorce. He's not paying child support. I am angry about that!  The 'system' that is supposed to ensure the children are financially cared for is broken.  I am angry that I can't just give the contact information to the court to have them notify his employer.  It fucking sucks!  I know where he works.  I know the address. But he wants to skip out on it and there is nothing I can do that will make the 'system' work.

NO, money to hire a lawyer to handle it for me.

NO one to help me hold the tears in when I have to tell the kids, no we can't get that.  Sorry kids we can't afford desert after Scouts tonight.  How is that fair or right when he is taking a vacation?  No he's not taking the kids.

And I look at my shirt and cry because it's covered in lint. Trapped.

Now What?

Sit. Listen.

Today I was contact by the man who got married with me and my ex-husband.  My wedding day was a tandem wedding at a courthouse. It wasn't planned that way, his girlfriend was just a bit jealous that I was getting married.

 This man has never reached out to me.  We are not friends. Other than that "Facebook Friend".  I have hundreds of those.

 I wonder if he even knows why I got divorced?

Message:  Hello Pamela! I was wondering if you could help me out?  I'm trying to get some passport stuff taken care of, and part of the application process is that I provide my marriage certificate for me and XXXXXXX.  The problem is, I can't remember what day XXXXXXX and I got married, so I can't look up and request our certificate... But I did remember that we were at the courthouse on the same day (I hope this is not a touchy subject for you...).  So, what day did all of us go to the courthouse? (I'm really sorry if this is a sensitive topic...)

Would he believe me or is he like all the others that didn't believe me years ago? Leaving me abandoned.

If I told him that friend he had back then was not the man that I spent the last years in awkward silence with, would I understand?

Would he?  Should he be told?

Or is he Marine? Marines don't have mental health issues, they don't get PTSD.  Yeah, if you didn't know that you were never part of the Marine Family. 

If I sent him the photo from our wedding day and told the story of how I became a wife, would he see that marriage was a recipe for disaster?  The photo was taken by his own wife. It's moments after we said "I do".  I guess a picture is worth a thousand words.

bitter hatred

Overwhelming anxiety.

Finally divorced.  Should be fucking glad.  Still stuck in stupid shit because of a home re-fi.  Still waiting on Child Support.  That damn asshole is still running my life.

Fuck.

Eminem has it right,  My life would be much better if you'd just drop dead...

ADHD Moment of the week

Waxing my entire car with what I thought was my cool Formula One Spray wax only to realize that I used an industrial version of WD40 that looks similar.





Well at least my dusty car looks gorgeous!





And that is what happens when you walk into the garage and you see your 3 year old son washing his power wheels car, and say well I can do better than that!  Watch this and then...

you realize 3 hours later that you are hot, thirsty, hungry, need to pee real bad, and don't know where the family went!

  Again my car looks awesome!

the embarrassment

It turns out that new parents have a lot to learn about being in Cub Scouts and finding a person to ask is well...  Okay, so they could ask any parent in the scouts but they tend not to ask because they don't want to feel silly for not knowing what everyone else just seems to know.  

So I promised last month that I was going to keep a journal of how my weight-loss was going.  Well, the good news is I am down to 209!  The bad news.  I really am not one for remembering or maybe its making time to do the Monday Check in.

I have lost weight.  Good.  I have increased physical activity.  Good.  I have even worked on my other long term goal of going back to school.  Thanks needs to go to my Mom who paid my debt to University of Phoenix. I finished my application and I will be returning to my classes on 4-30-13.  I decided to change my major.  I will not be finishing my Bachelors degree in Business Management, instead I will return to my roots and take Information Technology.  My major focus of study will be Multimedia Visual Design and Communication.  That seems to be more inline with my past behavior of spending all available time either on the internet or involved in theatrics.
 Also helps that I work as a contractor for Facebook.  It just means that the daily tie in is simple rather than complicated.

So yeah me!  Got some weight off and finally made good on the threat to go back to school.

 I have also made some changes to how with Cub Scouts Pack is run since I am now Officially in charge of my pack as the Pack Chairman.  I had a hyper focus moment and wrote some Parent Cliff notes that I showed around Tuesday night.


I will post those Cliff Notes soon.  I have a few minor updates before I share it with you.  It is six mind blowing pages of incredible information that is specific to our Cub Scouts Pack and general information all in one place.  Go figure that out.  Ask any "Scout Parent", you know the one that does everything for the pack all by themselves and they can't get anyone to help or volunteer without being bitch why that is.  The will tell you they don't know why no one steps up. I think I know.  Now my pack will test that theory.