Love the Way you Lie

Eminem has been my best friend for a month. The man puts a smile on my face.  He reminds me that I used to be a fun and colorful person.

The man makes me cry uncontrollably. The lyrics to his work are painful. They let me feel what I have had to hide for my own safety.  I spent years hiding the pain of a loveless marriage from my co-workers, friends, and family. It's truly amazing my cracks didn't show.

They did show.

I'd spent years in a loveless, abusive marriage.  So bad that my friends knew not to come around when he was.  The marriage went on so long my friends eventually stopped showing up at all. It happens.  Ask any other victim.  The just can't handle that leaving isn't simple.  They can't deal with you not taking the advice and leaving right now. After all they would leave that kinda relationship, they'd just go.  But they don't understand, shelters are full, you can't take 3 kids and stay on a couch indefinitely or that your family has religious ideas about marriage and won't accept he's bad.

Self-esteem hits all time lows.

I began to believe I deserved it. I convinced myself if I'd just suck his dick like he wants it'll stop.  It didn't.  He lied.  I stopped school cause he didn't want me in it.  I ate to relieve the pain.  I gained weight, he hated me more.  Called me fat. I ate more. Vicious cycle.

Even lost a job because of the marriage.  My employer could see the escalation from emotional and psychological to physical abuse was near.  I left with the kids.  But I was jobless and car less.  I caved, he said he was sorry, there wouldn't be a next time.  He lied.

He spent money.  Money we didn't have.  We were always broke.  The thought that he spent all the money intentionally so I couldn't leave haunts me.

The fear that every time he takes the kids it will be the last time I see them alive is real.  He hasn't paid child support yet. So I guess they are safe until then.

I fear that the temper I protected the kids from while we were married will be used on them when he finally has to contribute.  I can't jump in and take the hit for them, the court won't protect them until he beats them.  That fear tortures me at night.

I know he doesn't love me. Love is blind.  Love the way you lie.

New Years Resolutions....

On the other things I've been thinking about since my last post back in December, or January.  I can't actually remember but I know I wanted to talk about New Years Resolutions. 

Lets start with the obvious

I want to be lighter on the scale and have a smaller pant size.  A long time ago, like the month before I became pregnant with my first kid, I was a size 8.  That is a really good size.  I admit I looked like a Barbie Doll, with my big Dolly Parton Size boobs!  But I worked at a Bikini Bar, so I guess you could say I was really into exercising.  And As for looking like Dolly Parton, that goes back to the first wish I ever made, back in the second grade.  Why an 8 year old wished for Boobs like Dolly Parton, I don't know, perhaps some crazy shrink has an answer, like I spent too much time looking at my Dad's Playboys. 

I want to be more vigilant when it comes to posting updates on my blog.  I like to write on this.  I like it.  It's a little like seeing your name in lights on the Theater Marque.  It's a bit of fun.  It's great for reliving stress.  It's also great for avoiding doing things like moping the floor or putting pants on my two year old.  I guess I am saying I would like to post each week, in my fantasy world I would post everyday, but really who would be reading that?

I also want my finances to make sense.  You know, the check book balances, and you don't overdraw your checking account on a regular basis.  I would also like to have cash in the savings account that is actually for savings and not to pay the overdraft fee.  So maybe I need a budget?  Then again that sounds oh so boring.

I want to earn money in my new career.  My new boss seems to be great.  She is organized or seems to be.  She is understanding and seems to understand my reluctance to jump right in and WIN, to quote Charley Sheen.  She also seems to understand basic math and that things like paying for child care are expensive if you are not generating an income to replace what you used. 

I want to exercise.  Before I got my crazy boss I was doing well.  Not fabulous.  I wasn't loosing 2 pounds a week or anything.  But I was feeling better.  Now, I don't know if it was all the crazy boss or a bit of the winter blues, but I stopped, and now I feel flabby.

I want to be organized.  You know like those people you admire, the ones that are never late and never need to apologize for the Linus like chaos that follows them.  I want to be prepared, I want to know what I need, what I need to do to get it, and who I need help from.  It's weird, I just want to feel like normal people do.  Normal people rarely suffer from deer in headlights syndrome. 

Adult Content:  Dude you know you want this crap.

I want to replace my Vib.  I miss my vib.  It made the kids antics less, frustrating, if only for a minute.  Lets face it I have a short attention span, and spending more than 10 minutes with the Vib or my husband leads to loss of interest.  Or maybe its just wandering interest.  I am certain my husband appreciates that in the middle of it, I am suddenly thinking about the grocery list, or that email, or the clothes that need to be mended.  Or maybe I am just in outer space, I have know idea, its sorta random, ranging from all the chores I didn't do, the kids, the car, the job, the education, my dry lips(both), the dogs, the weird shadow on the ceiling, how itchy the sheets feel, or how I need to change positions again. 

Anyway, why do people make Resolutions?  Aren't they usually forgotten by the end of January?  Is it because they don't have a plan or people to hold them accountable.  Are they even good?

So what are my steps?  Dude, you do know I have ADHD?  And maybe a bit OCD.  Yeah, I get upset when my hairspray is not in its proper place or someone moves the Paprika from the place I last put it.  Yeah, I have ideas.  No I don't have them written out. 

Oh, I also want to write out the house rules.  Ask my why.  Maybe I will write it later.  Just like the steps to finish the New Years Resolutions.....

Suffering withdrawal

So I was a little nutzo today. I kept checking email, calling people, looking up new ways to maximize social media marketing, checking Facebook, etc, etc! I felt like a caged animal. Nothing was happening on the internet and all my friends were working so they did not answer. After spending the day spinning my wheels in lard on the slick ice of the job search I have concluded I was suffering from withdrawal. No not alcohol or sex addiction withdrawal. The kind of withdrawal sky divers understand. The kind you get from thrills, the very same I have been enjoying in the job hunt from being put on the spot during interviews.

So if you want to help, I am up for an interview right now. Call me.

I need a break....and a pitcher of Margarita

Help I need a break.  Badly.  Imagine this... You hear yourself screaming at your kids, literally about everything, anything and probably somethings you just imagined happened.  You have had too many days of sick, needy, whiney kids and not enough sex or rest.  Your kids keep interrupting you every 2-3 minutes.  Your tired, frustrated, down right PMSing and you can't seem to get a hold of your temper.    I wish the kids would drink some Nyquil or Benadryl and go to sleep; no story, no "Mommy I need a drink!"  No, none of that.  Right now I wish my husband would get home early for work so I could just leave him with the kids, and not say a word about the terrible day and deadly short fuse I have. I would come back around 10:30pm that way the kids would definitely be asleep and I could have already had a pitcher of margarita, danced on the bar, taken a cab home, woken up in bed and not remember where the car is!  That is what I want.  I don't want to remember where I went to drink the night away or have anything but some random person with a cell phone picture of me being pulled off the bar by the bar-keep on a Monday night.  Oh, and all the things still on the To-Do list that I never remember to write would be mysteriously done.

Dirty...but proud

Feeling proud right now.  I actually finished something I started.  Okay, really I finished about 50% of what I started.  But hey that is farther then normal for me.  Definitely I am dirty.  I worked on my first of three wood projects.  These are wood projects that I have had locked in my disorganized mind for months.  The first, I hope is the easiest, our garden box for our patio apartment. 

So the garden box.  I made it very cheap, oddly enough out of the same stuff you make wood fences out of.  Even odder the day after I decided that they were the best and cheapest material to use, I found a website that used the same thing!   It’s a place called anaAna White list designs that are free and easy to build, you should go there if you have some furniture you need or just interested in dreaming. 

I went to Home Depot and picked up 12 fence boards and had the man, after it took a half hour to find him, cut off the “dog ears” off all of them and then cut 4 of them in half.  I picked up some nice 1 ¼” wood screws, a bottle of wood glue, some grade stakes and 4 bags of dirt.  Yeah, me!  I remembered all the things that I needed to build the boxes including the nice little dowels I am going to use to make the “dog ears” into garden labels.

The first of the 2 boxes is finished, put in the garden spot, filled with the dirt and that is that.  I intend on finishing the second box in the morning.  So I feel dirty after dumping the bags of dirt into the box.  I feel even dirtier knowing that I just cleared off the poo from the Danny’s dirty diapers.  I think I need a shower, I am kind of itchy.  

huh, to do or not to do

So I went back to the mental health care clinic yesterday.  I actually went two days in a row.  The first for general counseling to see if my mood is improving.  Therapist thought it was improving.  So yesterday was for the med check.  It was a new med person.  I am not sure changing med persons was good for me.  I don't think she truly understood me and I don't think I understood her questions the way she wanted.  It is something that has to do with no small talk and very little introduction.  I get.  Your busy and you just took over hundreds of patients in addition to your own.  But it made for a less then great experience.  Does she understand that her questions really need to be specific and if you want to know about more then the last 6 weeks you need to tell me.  I am not working that is in my past.  I am not going to school that is in my past, and really 15 minutes to ask me is too little time to investigate an improvement or problem with my adderall medication.  

When you get asked a question and you are looking to your clinician to explain what type of behavior she is talking about, you really need to know.  I was not trying to be rude, but I really did not get what she implied by "burst of energy"...  Does she mean do you stay up all night doing things? or does she mean are you more active in general?  Is she talking about something else?  When she says are their things that you "focus on more"?  What the hell does that mean?  Yes I spend more time on the internet then I should.  I know I really need to mop the kitchen floor, dust all the things in the house and oil the wood furniture.  I should do those.  I mean I eventually will before we move again.  

Do people with ADHD move more often?  I don't know, but I would like to know.  I have read about many others who are "suffering" and not thriving with ADHD and having issues with credit and just remembering to pay bills on time.  I definitely relate to their suffering.  What about friends?  Do they have as much trouble as I do connecting with people? Staying connected?  Or just being in the same room as their spouse.  Do we hyper-focus on the same things? Do they also have trouble with the noise at the grocery store, have they also tried going to the store in the middle of the night because fewer people and distractions are there?  Are they annoyed and frustrated by the same things?  Do they start thinking about other things on the "to-do list" in the middle of sex?  Do they also wish sex did not last as long?  Really, trying to find answers to real questions and real solutions is hard.  Still need to finish balancing the check book, guess I should finish.