Happy 2019!

Happy 2019!

I've had it with 2018! It was painful in so many ways.  First, it started with the recovery from a heart attack, well 2, and unemployment as a result. Though I did have a 'side-hustle'. Recovery from a heart attack is about 30% physical and 70% mental. I've heard of people who had no choice but to return to full-time employment just days or weeks after a myocardial infarction or heart attack and I see that after that they don't "recover". They stay in survival mode and typically get sicker and sicker as the years go by. In large part, because they didn't have time to reflect on what went so wrong and how to fix the damage that had been done. Like I said its 70% mental.

My recovery has been difficult. I did not do well on a medication called atorvastatin. I thought my ADHD was getting worse or that I was just stressed out from the incident. But when I couldn't carry on a conversation or remember the sentence I had just read, I complained. I wasn't listened too. When I was I couldn't remember what the instructions were. Hahaha. It was terrible. Eventually, I had leg pain, this burning, tingling, needling sensation that would not stop. It got to the point where walking from the bed to the bathroom was an endurance event. When I reported that symptom the cardiologist immediately took me off the atorvastatin and wanted me to take another similar 'statin' medication. I refused. He's really not happy about that. Neither is my Family Doctor. But Life needs to be enjoyable not just "longer" as he claims. Though the scientific studies show it only extends the life of a heart attack survivor by 5 days. I'd like those days to be pain-free. 

In addition, I had my Mother living with me for all of 2018. I don't know if you realize this but mothers and daughters should not live together as adults. It is awful. It is confusing. It is not something I recommend to anyone that can avoid it. While I love my Mom, I never want to live with her in the room next door to me, at least not for as long as she is working her bizarre 2am - 11am+ schedule. She requires absolute silence! I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, and 4 cats. Silence isn't something we are capable of delivering. Some days she would get home shortly after 11am and I would be required to "be QUIET" so she could nap. That meant my 'side-hustle' could not be done because I "talk too loud" according to my mother. It also meant things like dishes couldn't be done because the clanging of the dishes was too loud as was the dishwasher. No yard work, not that I really wanted too, but it was out. All the organizing and hanging up of pictures or moving furniture so you could de-clutter the house was also out. I may have ADHD but I HATE clutter. Agh. It was everywhere. Maybe a touch OCD about the clutter. Everything must have a home in my home or I throw it out. Kids hate that. :)

I know what you're thinking...why just not do all the things before she returns home? Well, the woman never communicated what time she would be home. And when she was home she would stuff herself into her 'bedroom' lock the door and turn the TV on to CNN. She called that napping. But I was required to keep the place quiet until the kids went to sleep because shortly after her 'nap' was her 'bedtime'. Do you know how difficult it is to keep silent while cooking dinner?

Just to make things more inconvenient the Washer and Dryer were located in her room. But as all children know you can't go into your parents' room. So I couldn't wash clothing at will. I had to wait for her to do it, then listen to her complain about it. Now I had an answer, we could go explore the front closet in the living room where the previous owner claimed the original laundry room was. But I couldn't do it because if I got caught doing something 'difficult' like removing a false wall panel and testing the outlet and water supply there would be lots of words from her on how I needed to take it easy because I had had a heart attack and she didn't want me to die. Yea guilt trip. So she did the laundry, then complained about doing it, but complained more if I went into her room to do the laundry before she came home.

So now she is gone from the house. And I need to find a way to quickly cover the expense of the mortgage. SO her absence is both a blessing and a bit of a challenge. My side hustle with my partners is in shambles. That's a story for another day, maybe another or two I have. Anyway's I am making my own side hustle. I am going to restart my old business Binary Digital Media. I am working on the business plan so stay tuned for what that turns into. Maybe websites, maybe websites and social media, who knows. I've got until the weekend to figure that out and update my old website http://www.binarydigitalmedia.com. I have a potential website client, that was referred to me by a friend so I may have a few hundred dollars coming in this month. I have to work on the household budget too, see what I can do to make it all work in 2019.

Glad to leave all that crazy in 2018 and tidying the house after my mom left was a nice stress reliever.

Laziness doesn't exist and coping

The last six months have been...hell. I am a huge fan of the TV Show Lucifer so it feels so odd to use that analogy to my ongoing recovery from my heart attack. I've seen a lot of people who are obsessive fans of the show and I think if it weren't for the escapist show about the Devil turned Cop I may be in a far worse place.

Today I finally accomplished one of the goals I on my to-do list. As an ADHD adult, I take meds. Meds with come with a stigma that even my Mom uses to remind me of how I don't measure up. In December of 2017, I had my quarterly med check with the Psychiatric Nurse. I am one of the unfortunate people fortunate enough to have state health insurance and the price tag is difficulty navigating the "system" combined with "people who are underpaid, overworked, burnt out" who have no problem letting you fall through the cracks. I asked to be added back to the rolls of people who were getting counseling since I was not working I would have no problem "keeping" the appointment.

I never got the appointment. To be honest I was so exhausted from the physical recovery of having a heart attack I didn't notice I had been ignored. My next quarterly med check came in March 2018. I asked again for an appointment with a counselor. I had a bit more energy in me. They don't explain how exhausted you will be from just the act of getting out of bed after a heart attack. For those that don't succeed getting past the bed sheets, I understand. It is very crippiling. I was a bit more persistent, I followed up, called again and again, got call back from caseworkers, but no appointment.

I gave up again. I was told a supervisor would follow up. But it didn't happen.  If you are wondering why people on social services don't feel the desire to keep fighting for assistance, all I can say is this is not a unique situation or the first time I encountered bureaucracy.  It is exhausting.

Working through the health stuff and trying to get back onto my proverbial feet by returning to work. I applied to Vocational Rehabilitation. I applied partly out of desperation and partly out of frustration when trying to find work that would fit my new reality.

New Reality:

• can't work outside, it's too hot/ too cold
• cant work a job that needs me to work 8+ hours 
• can't work a job that doesn't let me be home with my kids
• can't work a high-stress job at a call center
• can't work a job that requires me to be on my feet
• can't work a job that requires me to sit stationary
• can't work a job that requires lifting heavy items
• can't work a job that doesn't let me go to my doctors' appointments, of which there are many, many, many per month
• can't work a job that requires me to be ridged, wait that is just an existing ADHD thing.
• Job still needs to make me 35-60K a year

Believe it, the state government Vocational Rehabilitation Assistance actually got me an appointment before I got an appointment with a counselor. Their turn-around time was about 2 months. Pretty dang fast in my experience! But they needed things, things from my state-funded Psychiatric Nurse.

Needing things fast I took a friend with me to the state-funded Psychiatric Nurses office and asked for that info need. Of course, the desk person didn't know what the hell I needed or was even asking. Can't be surprised, its a low paid $9.00 an hour job and hundreds of patients come in every single day. So I asked for a supervisor, with my back up, my friend.

Supervisor in person was exactly what I needed to get the appointment with the counselor. 

Checking off the long-awaited counseling appointment.  In all, it was nearly 6 months of time getting that appointment. I am proud to say I didn't slash any tires or turning into a raging vile-language ogre along the way. 

I attended the appointment this morning...It was emotionally draining explaining to a stranger where I am. Emotions are tough on the heart. They can make your blood pressure rise, your heart race. If you've lived a life with ADHD, Depression, Anxiety or any other experience that limits you, you probably know this. I took a 5-hour nap. And now I can't sleep.

My Facebook is buggy tonight, which means it can't distract me. But Twitter is working. Twitter is where I went when Lucifer was canceled by Fox. So it provides a good deal of distraction. Among the distraction, I found this article. Laziness Doesn't Exist. It helped me cope. My life is full of people who judge me and tell me I am Lazy. Former Co-workers, Business Partners, Family, Ex-husbands, mothers and sometimes me. It resonated with me following today's appointment with the new counselor, who pointed out that I have accomplished a lot. People who call you lazy because you didn't meet their expectations are explained in this article. Now I understand a bit more about them so I can be a bit less on loathing to myself.