Laziness doesn't exist and coping

The last six months have been...hell. I am a huge fan of the TV Show Lucifer so it feels so odd to use that analogy to my ongoing recovery from my heart attack. I've seen a lot of people who are obsessive fans of the show and I think if it weren't for the escapist show about the Devil turned Cop I may be in a far worse place.

Today I finally accomplished one of the goals I on my to-do list. As an ADHD adult, I take meds. Meds with come with a stigma that even my Mom uses to remind me of how I don't measure up. In December of 2017, I had my quarterly med check with the Psychiatric Nurse. I am one of the unfortunate people fortunate enough to have state health insurance and the price tag is difficulty navigating the "system" combined with "people who are underpaid, overworked, burnt out" who have no problem letting you fall through the cracks. I asked to be added back to the rolls of people who were getting counseling since I was not working I would have no problem "keeping" the appointment.

I never got the appointment. To be honest I was so exhausted from the physical recovery of having a heart attack I didn't notice I had been ignored. My next quarterly med check came in March 2018. I asked again for an appointment with a counselor. I had a bit more energy in me. They don't explain how exhausted you will be from just the act of getting out of bed after a heart attack. For those that don't succeed getting past the bed sheets, I understand. It is very crippiling. I was a bit more persistent, I followed up, called again and again, got call back from caseworkers, but no appointment.

I gave up again. I was told a supervisor would follow up. But it didn't happen.  If you are wondering why people on social services don't feel the desire to keep fighting for assistance, all I can say is this is not a unique situation or the first time I encountered bureaucracy.  It is exhausting.

Working through the health stuff and trying to get back onto my proverbial feet by returning to work. I applied to Vocational Rehabilitation. I applied partly out of desperation and partly out of frustration when trying to find work that would fit my new reality.

New Reality:

• can't work outside, it's too hot/ too cold
• cant work a job that needs me to work 8+ hours 
• can't work a job that doesn't let me be home with my kids
• can't work a high-stress job at a call center
• can't work a job that requires me to be on my feet
• can't work a job that requires me to sit stationary
• can't work a job that requires lifting heavy items
• can't work a job that doesn't let me go to my doctors' appointments, of which there are many, many, many per month
• can't work a job that requires me to be ridged, wait that is just an existing ADHD thing.
• Job still needs to make me 35-60K a year

Believe it, the state government Vocational Rehabilitation Assistance actually got me an appointment before I got an appointment with a counselor. Their turn-around time was about 2 months. Pretty dang fast in my experience! But they needed things, things from my state-funded Psychiatric Nurse.

Needing things fast I took a friend with me to the state-funded Psychiatric Nurses office and asked for that info need. Of course, the desk person didn't know what the hell I needed or was even asking. Can't be surprised, its a low paid $9.00 an hour job and hundreds of patients come in every single day. So I asked for a supervisor, with my back up, my friend.

Supervisor in person was exactly what I needed to get the appointment with the counselor. 

Checking off the long-awaited counseling appointment.  In all, it was nearly 6 months of time getting that appointment. I am proud to say I didn't slash any tires or turning into a raging vile-language ogre along the way. 

I attended the appointment this morning...It was emotionally draining explaining to a stranger where I am. Emotions are tough on the heart. They can make your blood pressure rise, your heart race. If you've lived a life with ADHD, Depression, Anxiety or any other experience that limits you, you probably know this. I took a 5-hour nap. And now I can't sleep.

My Facebook is buggy tonight, which means it can't distract me. But Twitter is working. Twitter is where I went when Lucifer was canceled by Fox. So it provides a good deal of distraction. Among the distraction, I found this article. Laziness Doesn't Exist. It helped me cope. My life is full of people who judge me and tell me I am Lazy. Former Co-workers, Business Partners, Family, Ex-husbands, mothers and sometimes me. It resonated with me following today's appointment with the new counselor, who pointed out that I have accomplished a lot. People who call you lazy because you didn't meet their expectations are explained in this article. Now I understand a bit more about them so I can be a bit less on loathing to myself. 

A pile of papers...

So what else have you done this week?  Oh, I am glad you asked.  I have been crazy busy!  Mostly doing the thing everyone likes least; dealing with Social Services.  I absolutely hate this process!  It is quite demeaning and absolutely time consuming.

The quest for assistance continues.  Last month, March 2012, I and my children were dropped from the Arizona Medicaid Program twice!  It was upsetting, frustrating.  Plagued by trying to do the right thing, we were dropped for failure to provide proof of income.  Why?  Oh it went to the wrong address and was delayed!  So we didn't recieve notifcation that additional information was needed until after Medicaid had dropped us.  Many phone calls, okay just 2, but it was well over 2.5hours on the phone with an actual person!  I can't tell you how long I spent on hold....  So thinking everything is fixed and good to go.  I went about my family business and searched for a job. 

Then I learned it was again dropped and that they said since I had quit working voluntarily I and my children were to remain ineligible for 1 year!  Absolute craziness!!!!!!!!  Yes, I admit I stopped going to work, but only because I could not afford to FEED my three children and pay for CHILD CARE for one child.   I was forced to make a choice, between maintaining my families status on the food Stamp program so we could eat, or leaving my 2 year old unattended, so I could go to work!  This was the choice I was faced with because Arizona cut all funding to the Child Care Subsidy program in 2008 to balance the budget and I was not making an adequate commission from Aflac.  (Not all my fault, but not all Aflac's fault either.)  Eventually a few supervisors understood what I was trying to explain, and helped me fix the situation, or so I am told.  Currently, we do not have food stamps to buy food, which could be because I misunderstood when we would receive them, or because we were dropped again. 

Onward!  More Social Services fun!  A while back my five year old was on an IEP in the Developmental Preschool, then I was told he was ineligible for his kindergarten year, but if I received a diagnosis he would be reconsidered for an evaluation at school.  Alas, I presented the school with a copy of the Psychiatrist notes and requested he be re-evaluated the second week of school.  Nearly the end of the school year he has not been re-evaluated!  His teacher has begun to express concern about his ability to grip a pencil and scissors properly, aka -motor skills are falling behind!  Unable to move the mountain that is the IEP process at Peoria Unified I have begun pursing the other avenues of assistance.  The Arizona Department of Developmental Disabilities and Social Security Disability Income.  At this point I hope that one of these government agencies will be able to assist me so that he does not fall further behind.  Perhaps one can provide us with ideas on how to improve his motor skills, reading skills and social understanding of the world around him or even provide us with financing to give him Occupational Therapy or Physical Therapy for his motor skills development.  Aggregated, yes.  This process is very time consuming!  If I had a job I am not certain I would be able to peruse any assistance for my son.

The shear amount of paperwork working with all the agencies has created in the last 45 days is appalling.  My poor 3 inch binder has become overwhelmed.  Between my desire to better manage my own ADHD issues and to prevent my son from suffering needlessly when he can learn to work better with his abilities, the folder is exploding.  The problem is all the agencies want a copy of what the other agency has done, what the other physician has stated, ect.  So, I keep copies!  Soon I will have to separate my own paperwork from the families, and possibly his from the families, just so I don't end up with back problems from carrying all the papers with me.

I will likely separate mine from the families later today.  Simply working with the Social Worker at Fresh Start Women's Center, my counselor at Terros, my Vocational Rehabilitation Intake Worker, and my own physicians/psychiatrist is a Martha Steward organizational wet dream.  Thank God, that I am pretty anal retentive, and good at organizing endless streams of paper!

Exasperated.

She said what?!!!

I really thought that was some myth. I mean a social worker would not suggest such a thing, ever! It goes against some code of conduct right?!

So I visited a Social Worker today. She was nice, very rushed and obviously overworked. She also is underpaid according to what she claims to make per month. She tried to help. I think she is sincere. She did not have any suggestions on what resources one can use in my situation, so she called on a colleague that said something that is just pain WTF! After listening to the predicament I face about being on State Assistance and my problem with how I must find a Full Time Job with benefits that pays well enough to make up the deficit I will face and pay for child care she said I should tell DES that my husband and I split up.

Now don't get me wrong, there are days when he is grumpy and I am grumpy and that sounds like a great idea. The reality is even though I don't agree with him, and I often wish he did more, made more, participated more or what have you; I can't actually tell you what more of any it he could realistically do that would somehow make life so much less stressful and make all of us that much happier. I don't know what it is that could change it. No I am not stuck in some bad relationship, I am in a real world adult relationship, and the part that matters is just dandy with me. I don't think the part that matters can somehow be so much better, if I did then I suppose that crazy suggestion might make sense.

What the social worker thought telling DES we split would do is: first we would continue to get food stamps and health care when he went to school full time, we would then be eligible for cash assistance to pay for necessities like electricity, we would become eligible for section 8 housing assistance-though she said the wait was really long, we would also become eligible for child care subsidy so I could go to school or work or both, and that I would then possibly be eligible for some single mom to work programs. While many of these things sound great and I really would like to receive child care assistance so I could work and he can go to school, lying...

Really? That is the best option in here opinion. And I am not sure why either. Doing that does not actually improve our situation. In fact it just prolongs how long we stay in abject poverty and dependent on tax payers. Though the system is not exactly set up to get you on your feet and into the black, either. FYI; doing what she suggested just means that the State would then try to pursue my husband for the cash assistance when he does find another job while he attends school or even after he graduated. So it really does prolong how long you stay poor.

I just wonder why their is not some sorta gap filler so you can actually get off the system permanently. I know that finding a job is a great idea; but if I can't afford to feed my family or pay for child care so I can work, that I will just end up falling right back into the system and instead of grudgingly accepting medical insurance for the good of my children, I will end up demanding so much more because we will literally be forced onto the streets to meet the requirements and still be a whole family. If I can't find a job that pays enough for us to eat, have shelter, have electricity for heating and cooling, cover children's daycare expenses, the cost of getting to work by car, the cost of insuring the car, cover medical expenses and maybe a little extra for some fun, we will end up broke, on the street (living in our car), needing immediate emergency family housing, emergency food assistance, emergency cash assistance and possibly forcing the state to pay Foster Care expenses so our children can be in a safe place and not sleeping in the car. All of that is much more expensive then helping us fill in a gap or finding a resource that can help us manage.

And all the neigh sayers will say things like find cheaper housing, get rid of the car, the car insurance, don't heat or cool your home, and leave my children in a dangerous environment because I can't afford to higher someone who can keep them safe while we are away. Right, Lets see them leave their child in a meth house so they can go to work, because it is all they can afford. Let me see them find SAFE, CLEAN, housing that is close to a school that is actually teaching children to succeed. Okay right, when I can find a Cheap, Safe, Clean home that has a school I can trust that also happens to be on a bus line, with everything in walking distance I will give up the car. Unfortunately, I have not found a place that exists. Nor have I found a job near that imaginary place. So until then I will need a car to get the kids to school, daycare and myself to work and my husband can take the bus to school. Not that him taking the city bus to school would make a significant dent in family finances since it would still cost about $50.00 a month for the pass and significantly increase the amount of time the children need to be in childcare, thus increasing that expense more than the savings in gas and insurance. Maybe if the car he had needed a major overhaul....but it doesn't so, financially it doesn't add up to get rid of his vehicle as it doesn't save time or money.

That is what this all comes down to. Time. And Money. It takes time for a family to land safely on its feet after suffering a few financial set backs. And it takes money to afford the things that keep them from falling back again.

So the nice social worker felt awful because she could not provide any assistance that would help us up and out of the conundrum we face, and she was right to feel that way. I feel that way. What am I supposed to do? How can we as a family stay together? How can we stay afloat until we have finished our educations that barely hold any promise of a better paying job? I don't have an answer. I just know I will find a job, I will find health care benefits and I will find child care, I just don't know if I can afford going to work for less than 35K. Could you feed and shelter a family of 5 for that? Could you do it for less and still have the safe feeling in your belly when you leave for work each day?

If you have ideas on how to manage this problem, please share. Not only could it help me, and I am asking for it, it could help others that read this some day. :)

Are We ever going to have enough....

Just three minutes ago I resolved to do something about this plaguing problem!  I decided without discussion with my spouse that "We" will save some of our tax return in a savings account not connected with our checking account, and that "We" will save some of "His" paycheck in that account.  Huh, I bet I, I mean He will think we should have discussed this.  He is probably right.

I watched another documentary today.  I like watching those, it is like watching Fox News channel without all the commercials or theatrics.  Just in case you did not know I love to park the TV on Fox News, it is like my white noise machine.  Anyway the documentary was called "One Percent".  If you haven't watched, I don't recommend it for entertainment value as I have seen far more moving documentaries about the same subject, maybe it was the poor sound track choices.  Anyway.  For some reason I decided to do something a few minutes ago.  "One Percent" is a show by a Johnson & Johnson heir who is concerned about the disparages between the Richest One Percent and the rest of us.  He interviews a few of the riches billionaire's and a few heirs to their fortunes as well as poor folks.  He is unhappy with how big the gap is, and seems to be concerned that their is not a way out of the cycle for the poor, but he does not offer any solutions on what could be done to change the plight of the poor.

While I am not a fan of President Obama's policies on social services, I find myself literally torn in two on the subject.  First I think the idea of Universal Health Care for all is a ridiculously bad idea, not just Obama Care.  I don't like big government or the United States debt, and most of the policies.  I am not certain I am a Republican, but I do find Glenn Beck entertaining, and most of the redistribution of wealth ideas presented over the last 20 years appalling.

But as a poor American Citizen trying to redefine what the American Dream is I currently accept Food Stamps and Medicaid.  I know I said Universal Health Care is a bad idea, I also have to accept the bad choice, because individual private health insurance in Arizona is completely unaffordable. (Note: Arizona's private health insurance is unaffordable because the State Government has Mandated coverage of many life saving treatments, as well as many alternatives.  These Mandates about the types of minimum services covered has greatly reduced the number of providers to choose from which has increased the price.  Something about Supply v Demand, limited supply/choices in AZ means those rotten Insurance companies that are mandated to cover stuff can demand higher fees.) So as you can see the health insurance issue leaves me with two bad choices, spend 2/3 the yearly salary on health insurance or accept state Medicaid.  Oh, and it is only two choices that I have at this moment, the second I find an employer that offers health insurance I am so off this medicaid program.

Not sure why that popped into my head.  We are considered poor.  My household qualifies for food stamps, medical care, probably section 8 housing, pell grants, discounts on utilities, food boxes and other assistance from charities.  We have lived paycheck to paycheck for as long as we have been working.  I lived paycheck to paycheck before I was married and thought that when I got married that would end.  It did not.  Does not seem to want to end.  So how to change it?



So how do I solve the Are we ever going to have enough problem?  I think I will start by building a savings account.  Not a lot, because we all ready spent half our tax refund on a new to us Truck, paid off the loan shark installment plan to Pruitt's Furniture for our couch and 2 chairs.  And yes, my husband had to take time off work because I had surgery, and no his employer does not provide any paid leave, not even sick days, so some of that tax check went right to helping us bridge the gap created by the missing pay checks, something that makes me rather angry!  I so hoped that the tax check money would do something to help pull us out of the whole we are in so we could be come Middle Class Americans instead of Poor Americans.   I can only hope that setting aside just 25% of our tax check helps us in some way, may the economy have mercy on our savings, and may we learn new ways to make the two pennies we got go that much further.  Damn to hell the $5.00 gas that is coming!