Happy 2019!

Happy 2019!

I've had it with 2018! It was painful in so many ways.  First, it started with the recovery from a heart attack, well 2, and unemployment as a result. Though I did have a 'side-hustle'. Recovery from a heart attack is about 30% physical and 70% mental. I've heard of people who had no choice but to return to full-time employment just days or weeks after a myocardial infarction or heart attack and I see that after that they don't "recover". They stay in survival mode and typically get sicker and sicker as the years go by. In large part, because they didn't have time to reflect on what went so wrong and how to fix the damage that had been done. Like I said its 70% mental.

My recovery has been difficult. I did not do well on a medication called atorvastatin. I thought my ADHD was getting worse or that I was just stressed out from the incident. But when I couldn't carry on a conversation or remember the sentence I had just read, I complained. I wasn't listened too. When I was I couldn't remember what the instructions were. Hahaha. It was terrible. Eventually, I had leg pain, this burning, tingling, needling sensation that would not stop. It got to the point where walking from the bed to the bathroom was an endurance event. When I reported that symptom the cardiologist immediately took me off the atorvastatin and wanted me to take another similar 'statin' medication. I refused. He's really not happy about that. Neither is my Family Doctor. But Life needs to be enjoyable not just "longer" as he claims. Though the scientific studies show it only extends the life of a heart attack survivor by 5 days. I'd like those days to be pain-free. 

In addition, I had my Mother living with me for all of 2018. I don't know if you realize this but mothers and daughters should not live together as adults. It is awful. It is confusing. It is not something I recommend to anyone that can avoid it. While I love my Mom, I never want to live with her in the room next door to me, at least not for as long as she is working her bizarre 2am - 11am+ schedule. She requires absolute silence! I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, and 4 cats. Silence isn't something we are capable of delivering. Some days she would get home shortly after 11am and I would be required to "be QUIET" so she could nap. That meant my 'side-hustle' could not be done because I "talk too loud" according to my mother. It also meant things like dishes couldn't be done because the clanging of the dishes was too loud as was the dishwasher. No yard work, not that I really wanted too, but it was out. All the organizing and hanging up of pictures or moving furniture so you could de-clutter the house was also out. I may have ADHD but I HATE clutter. Agh. It was everywhere. Maybe a touch OCD about the clutter. Everything must have a home in my home or I throw it out. Kids hate that. :)

I know what you're thinking...why just not do all the things before she returns home? Well, the woman never communicated what time she would be home. And when she was home she would stuff herself into her 'bedroom' lock the door and turn the TV on to CNN. She called that napping. But I was required to keep the place quiet until the kids went to sleep because shortly after her 'nap' was her 'bedtime'. Do you know how difficult it is to keep silent while cooking dinner?

Just to make things more inconvenient the Washer and Dryer were located in her room. But as all children know you can't go into your parents' room. So I couldn't wash clothing at will. I had to wait for her to do it, then listen to her complain about it. Now I had an answer, we could go explore the front closet in the living room where the previous owner claimed the original laundry room was. But I couldn't do it because if I got caught doing something 'difficult' like removing a false wall panel and testing the outlet and water supply there would be lots of words from her on how I needed to take it easy because I had had a heart attack and she didn't want me to die. Yea guilt trip. So she did the laundry, then complained about doing it, but complained more if I went into her room to do the laundry before she came home.

So now she is gone from the house. And I need to find a way to quickly cover the expense of the mortgage. SO her absence is both a blessing and a bit of a challenge. My side hustle with my partners is in shambles. That's a story for another day, maybe another or two I have. Anyway's I am making my own side hustle. I am going to restart my old business Binary Digital Media. I am working on the business plan so stay tuned for what that turns into. Maybe websites, maybe websites and social media, who knows. I've got until the weekend to figure that out and update my old website http://www.binarydigitalmedia.com. I have a potential website client, that was referred to me by a friend so I may have a few hundred dollars coming in this month. I have to work on the household budget too, see what I can do to make it all work in 2019.

Glad to leave all that crazy in 2018 and tidying the house after my mom left was a nice stress reliever.

SuperMom!?

So at this moment Blogger.com is down and my computer is acting weird and slow.  Why did Blogger.com decided to do maintenance in the middle of the evening?  Weird! 

Obviously I am busy.  I haven’t posted anything new in a long while.  Such is the way of the work world.  I am trying to balance too many things and I seem to be succeeding rarely at any of them.  So my new job is tough.  Being away from home is tough on the kids.  My husbands ever changing schedule and his lack of communication is just making everything impossible to do. 

My biggest obstacle is figuring out what to do first.  I got a phone so I could stay in tough, I got him a phone so we could communicate.  I have an iPad so I can actually check my emails and keep a calendar.  (though for the last month my new job kept trying to force me into a paper calender! That was a complete disaster!) 

I know I have ADHD and this not knowing what to do first or even where I am supposed to be at different times in confusing as all heck!  I want to check in and be be with my family.  I also need to start seeing success with my new job or I am going to need to find another new job.   

So on the days I do figure out what to do first I struggle with trying to build my business clientele and my lack of availability to reach them on their schedule.  First, most of my clients are between the ages of 50 and 70, the problem being that the majority of the clients that are over 65 are home but I can’t talk about their health care until October 1^st, 2011 due to Federal Regulations on Medicare supplement and Advantage Plans.  Most people in the over 65 bucket already know they can’t make changes so they just aren’t interested in talking.   And of their younger siblings under ages 65 are just not home during business hours!  Well I am not able to work much after I regular work hours. 

However, the more I reconnect with my old friends and family members the more I see that I know an awful lot about what peoples real options are and when I have something that they really should be taking advantage of.  I now know most of my products to a point where if only I had enough hours in the day I could make appointments to visit them and see my family.  What I need is a way to pause life so I can do all I want to and need to. 

I need to be the idealized Super Mom, somehow capable of running an independent business, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, keeping the house clean, the bills paid on time, the dogs fed and walked, exercise herself to maintain optimum health,  loose weight, recruit new business, take the kids to their activities, potty train the toddler, read the latest magazines, books, watch the latest pop culture phenomenon, catch up with old friends, make  new friends, participate in the PTO, car pool the kids, be the star in the office, lead the way, train the mentee, communicate perfectly with the husband, know everything there is to know about my industry: insurance, entertain guest, make the perfect taco and margarita, have the grocery shopping done, the laundry put away, the kid in bed and somehow not fall asleep before the husband gets his turn.  Somehow that is what I need to be.  Or is it just simply being home by 6, and managing to have a few minutes to pick up dinner in the drive thru?

life through margarita lenses

Okay.  I am probably going to say something I shouldn't cause I had 2 large margaritas.

Today I decided to wash it all away, with some salt and lime.  Because tequila is always a great idea when you life is tough.

First we were definately stressed out.  The whole lack of work vehicle for my husband not working out.  The whole family.  Well if you read the post before you and your family that makes perfect sence.  Alcohol is always a good way to fix problems, oh and that is sarcastic.

Applebees.  We arrived with three kids and by miracle left with three kids, I am pretty sure the same three kids.  Of course those margaritas could have been better then I thought!  The waitress asked what we would like to drink.... "A margarita, on the rocks with lots of salt!" I said.  So of course she brought the biggest margaritas Applebees has.  Repeat the extra generous margarita and tequila from the bartender.

Right now Let me apologize for the poor spelling and grammar.  My margarita was good.  I took a sip and asked my equally grumpy and stressed hubby, "they should make something for extreme stress".  He replied, "they do, its called weed".  That made me wonder if weed will be prescribed for anxiety disorders in Arizona, I mean it will be available for us by prescription.  I also thought or said out loud, "damn, I should have gotten my cousins number, perhaps one of them could share, or provide a hook up."  That seems like something that would work.  Yeah, weed.  I heard Oregon was trying to add ADHD to the list of things weed could be prescribed.

Until any of those wonderfully dreamy things happen alcohol is the only legal thing that gets rid of inhibition.  SOmething I used to be really good at not having and now I can't even apply for a job to get a job interview.  I worry endlessly.

Everything worries me.  Obviously my personal issue with the whole work truck stresses me greatly.  And as if I could forget, even though it has been more then 24 hours since I stepped into ICU, that stresses me.  The whole we are messed up peeps with possible mental health issues that are undercontrol stresses me.  What I ate for dinner stresses me.   The fact that my eye glasses have scratches on me, or that I weight 180 again, or my hair is cool aid red stresses me.  The problem is everything causes worry and I have a prescription for an anxiety medication, but I worry about taking it.  Especially since the last one make my former co-workers think I was drunk at work.

My head is woozy.  I think I should find some tequila and drink it before I realize I am drunk.  Cause if you keep drinking you can't get sober and remember what was so concerning, what was it that made your heart pound, pound so loud you could hear it in your ears.  And pound fast, fast enough to make you think you should stop at the drug store and get your blood pressure checked.

So a few really good margaritas, a stop at Fry's to pay the electric bill at the M-Power box, a bit of junk food and regret for not getting margarita mix.  i know I have kids Advil, Tylenol and stuff  but I had to try really hard not to buy more cause my baby got vaccines on monday and has a fever.  I wonder if he is actually sick.  I guess we will find out when either I or my hubby sobers up.

tired.

Hi.

You might remember me from a few weeks ago.  I was very stressed out about surgery, my husband returning to school and what it would mean for his current job and our only income at the moment.  I was also stressed about getting my son seen and evaluated for ADHD.  I vaguely remember other things like wanting an iPad 2, which I still don't have.

Today I am very tired.  It has already been 2 weeks since surgery, which seems to have gone well.  My husband took off some days from work, which we can't actually afford, but was really needed.  I am able to move again, play with my kids and off pain medication.  That is not why I am tired.  I am tired, I am wondering what my relationship is with my family, should I have more of a relationship with them or is what I got far too much?

I know everyone has family issues.  Everyone has people with issues, both mental mostly medical and those that are from bad choices or behavior.  It seems lately my family is troubled.  If you are my family and your reading this then you know about recent arrests, general association with the wrong crowds, bad relationships and I mean violent in every way, bad health, preventable deaths, financial troubles, mostly all the bad things.

So why so tired?  A personal crisis and a set of family crisis.  Monday was a rather bad day.  But it all started last week.  Last week an older, but still young man in my family past away and was buried on Saturday.  Saturday night a pair of my cousins went for a ride in a stolen car.  One hangs on for life the other is expected to live, recover fully, I don't know.  It is hard being alienated from my family because I found out about the crisis with my cousins Monday evening about 5pm.  That alone was rough, be ware of family messages posted on Facebook, they may bring awful news.  So the personal cries also happened just before 5pm.  My husbands work van broke down.  He is the owner of the vehicle and no the person he works for does not care that the van does not work, he is not going to help us fix it or provide a temporary work vehicle, so now my husband can't work.

I stayed at the hospital a while Monday night, not knowing what was happening or what my role should be I sat in the ICU waiting room.  It was reported that I was the calmest person there.  Not certain that was true.  I think I might have been the most distracted there, possibly that was confused for calmness.  I returned home late last night and for the fourth night in a row had trouble going to sleep.  My eyes are puffy, dry, heavy, dull, lifeless.  My reaction time is no existent.  I remembered to take my baby to his wellness doctors appointment this morning, though we were late and the doc was annoyed.  I stopped by the hospital since I was kinda close after the doc appointment, and found that small children are not welcome in ICU.  I waited around awhile, but I did not find any cousins or aunts in the waiting room this time so I did not see my cousins though I want too.  I hear Star is doing better, but has not been told her brother is in bad shape.  And he was when I saw him late last night.  He seemed too young to be so gravely injured, yet strangely did not seem to have more then a mere scratch on his arm.

I tried to sleep this afternoon when I returned.  My husband is rather upset and stressed about the work vehicle issue.  I can't get more then a few harsh words out of him today.  I tried a few minutes ago to start a spaghetti dinner and was told he did not want spaghetti.  I asked about some drumsticks, which I was told to never buy again because he can't tell if they are cooked all the way.  So I stopped making the dinner and asked what he wanted but never got an answer.  I started writing this.  This made him angry.  He started making the spaghetti dinner I was going to make after slamming around the dirty dishes.

So I am tired.  Wonder if I will sleep finally.  Wonder if I should be closer to my family, should they have my telephone number?  Do I belong in an ICU waiting room or far away in my usually isolation? Just tired.  My eyes are burning.

Inability to be calm and still

It has been a rather difficult 3 days.  I can't seem to relax and just sit.  My mind has been wandering.  I have had trouble just watching TV or simply surfing the net.

I will give myself the fact that it has been an unusual week because since Friday I have been to the ER, OBGYN and Family Doc.  Oh, and last week we increased the dose of Adderall.  I think it is working, but the side effect is that I am more aware of just how difficult it is to sit still, just do one thing and remember to start cooking before my kids are hungry.

Why all the doctor's visits?  Well I went to the ER because the OBGYN told me to.  Gross the PMS has been getting worse and the period was so heavy the last 2 months that I was using the economy size of pads and tampons and nearly out.  If your a man, you may not see that as a whole lot, but typically a regular pack of those things is half the size and last 1-2 months.  The economy size should last 2-4 months. So that is just too many and could actually lead a woman to loose too much blood.  Also, it is incredibly uncomfortable and loosing that much in a 10 day period leads to being exhausted from low iron and blood count.

So I followed up the the OBGYN like they asked.  Yea me.  I remembered to do what was asked.  Doc said I was fine.  But I would probably be better off with a different birth control.  The doctor claims that a different bc could lower the symptoms of PMS and probably reduce heavy flow.

Why did I go see the family doc?  I finally remembered on a day that was not a weekend to make an appointment.  I always remember around 5 in the evening on Friday that I need to make an appointment, problem is that my doc typically vacates his office early on a Friday.  Or worse I don't remember until Saturday morning.  The reason for seeing the doc?  I've had a cough.  Many times the cough is so bad that I can't talk, to me seems like an asthma.  The doc doesn't think so.  He thinks I have acid reflux.  Weird.  He gave me some samples of acid reflux medicine and said to come back in two weeks.   So I guess we will see if he is right...
I had other reasons for going to the doc.  Like a long, long, long time ago I asked the doc that quit working in his office for a referral to a surgeon.  And to get these dang skin tags off. I actually got all of those things out of my mouth and to the doctor.  Guess what all those things will get taken care of.  I will see a surgeon next week.  Maybe my umbilical hernia will be fixed so it won't hurt when I try to exercise.  If you have never had a hernia consider yourself lucky.  I have been living with mine since 2003 and getting fatter and slower because of it.  I just want to be able to move and sit up straight without pain.  That would be nice, I bet it would be a lot easier to loose the weight.

So yes I got many things taken care of and off the preverbal To-Do List that I never write.  But I have not been able to relax.  Finish anything?  Kinda, but because I keep thinking of all the other things I need to do, many are still not finished or even started.  Things on the To-Do List that I never started?  Balance the check book, exercise, make breakfast, read a chapter out of my book, call that counselor lady back figure out what we have money to buy.  Why does gas now cost 3.45?  Anyway things I got done:  shred the tax papers from a long time ago, go to the doctor and figure out how to stop the cough, fill a prescription, most of the laundry and watered the garden once.  Sat and thought about doing lots of things, but never started most of them.  I did go on a shopping spree, I guess that it impulse control.  I bought stuff; more books, a digital photo frame/whiteboard thingy, more books, planner pages.  Dreamed about my iPad 2 with smart cover.