Grrr!
Anyway, I enjoyed another day of not being stressed out over whether the floors were sweep, the kitchen cleaned. It's wonderful not to spend the whole day following around kids and picking up every last item. I ended up with lots more energy!
The kids had early out and the two older ones visited Dad for the afternoon. They said they went to the park, the one we took the dogs to a long time ago and went to get Icees at the QT.
It left me wondering... Why didn't he do that before? What was so difficult about taking the kids and doing something not at home? Couldn't he do this every week like I have been asking, requesting and finally demanding for years? Is it that hard to spend time with them or was he simply trying to torched me by never giving me alone time in my own home ( the one he locked me out of a week ago- for revenge he said). All because I need time in the home without kids.
Drives me nuts! He gets time in the house by himself multiple times a week. If he wants to spend it cleaning, so be it. It's his time he can use it how he wants.
And FYI it's not alone time if you are by yourself doing the grocery shopping. That simply doesn't count, unless it's something you love doing, like painting the house. Yes, I would rather paint the house than to go to the grocery store. I would even rather paint your house! I even wanted to start a business painting houses. Besides you only paint a house once every few years! Or every year if your me and love to change colors.
Who really wants to go to the grocery store 75 times a year when everyone complains about what you cook and tells you after the fact what they wanted, even though you asked before, by a full 24 hours!??! Drives me nuts! I hate that place, the ugly florescent lighting makes me ill.
On the bright side of the grocery store I watched a boy, must have been about 22, check me out, and than return to do it a second and third time. Made me feel hot!
Let me hear it ladies!
Nothing makes you feel better than when a guy does a double take even when it's the father of your kids.
Wish there was more of that in my home.
And now the kid thAt hasn't peed in the bed in over a week, just peed on my bed! Anyone have stock in Tide?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Day eight!!!
I awoke today feeling great! The alarms went off and I didn't go back to sleep. I woke the kids and they did what I have been dreaming they would for years! They just did the things they were supposed to and when they got off track only a gentle nudge. They seem less on edge and more willing to do those chores. Perhaps it's due to the realistic expectations of what hey can do. They aren't perfect and they didn't get demeaned for not completing tasks with military precision. So the things just got done.
Big smile.
The sudden understanding of Julia Roberts' character in Sleeping with the Enemy when she finally feels free from her abuser. It's a surreal feeling to be able to be yourself. No fear or anxiety No overwhelming need to do things for someone else their way on their time table. It's bizarre when you realize you don't need to make the bed right away or panic when the kids spill some cereal on the counter. Or to be able to dance without some one looking down on you or telling you, you can't dance. How weird to be freed. The things that have become habits out of fear and avoidance are slushing off. It is that sexy liberating feeling you imagine in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts' character receives her prince charming in her crappy apartment.
It's just great!
Oh, and the chores are so much easier and quicker to finish!
Big smile.
The sudden understanding of Julia Roberts' character in Sleeping with the Enemy when she finally feels free from her abuser. It's a surreal feeling to be able to be yourself. No fear or anxiety No overwhelming need to do things for someone else their way on their time table. It's bizarre when you realize you don't need to make the bed right away or panic when the kids spill some cereal on the counter. Or to be able to dance without some one looking down on you or telling you, you can't dance. How weird to be freed. The things that have become habits out of fear and avoidance are slushing off. It is that sexy liberating feeling you imagine in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts' character receives her prince charming in her crappy apartment.
It's just great!
Oh, and the chores are so much easier and quicker to finish!
Day seven...
I had an insatiable appetite today. I wonder if that is a side effect of strong antibiotics or general stress from the situation. It was a long day but it seemed short due to the ridiculously long wandering afternoon of my baby, who was all too happy to break in his baby leash. Its quite funny to see a baby on a leash, but it has become necessary! I can't explain how terrifying it is to realize your baby has wandered away. I don't know why I didn't get one sooner! Probably because I think their ludicrous.
So it was Tuesday night. A cub scouts night. What a difference it was. Some things are hard to explain and incomprehensible to those that have never experienced it. I made spaghetti as its kinda customary to have on
Such a busy night. The kids ate. There was less arguing, and those that did happen, we're easier to curb. The kids played and followed directions, we did not need to rush! We arrived on time and the kids had fun. We returned home with lots to do: bathe, eat dessert, wash more laundry, pick up toys, take out garbage, get pj's on, read a story and go to bed. It was different this time.
First we did not rush to clean up the house before we left. We just were not concerned about how Dad would react to the small mess. It made going toScouts less stressful. When we returned we weren't hurting to clean because Dad was coming home. We just did things as we could. When it was time to clean up their bedroom, no one panicked. No one cried about there being too much to do. No one was stressed and they all worked together. Most amazingly was how quick it was picked up!!!!
It was the first time I was conscience of just how much anxiety was in the house do tony husband's unpredictable moods. It's different to experience peace when war has been all you have known for years.
So it was Tuesday night. A cub scouts night. What a difference it was. Some things are hard to explain and incomprehensible to those that have never experienced it. I made spaghetti as its kinda customary to have on
Such a busy night. The kids ate. There was less arguing, and those that did happen, we're easier to curb. The kids played and followed directions, we did not need to rush! We arrived on time and the kids had fun. We returned home with lots to do: bathe, eat dessert, wash more laundry, pick up toys, take out garbage, get pj's on, read a story and go to bed. It was different this time.
First we did not rush to clean up the house before we left. We just were not concerned about how Dad would react to the small mess. It made going toScouts less stressful. When we returned we weren't hurting to clean because Dad was coming home. We just did things as we could. When it was time to clean up their bedroom, no one panicked. No one cried about there being too much to do. No one was stressed and they all worked together. Most amazingly was how quick it was picked up!!!!
It was the first time I was conscience of just how much anxiety was in the house do tony husband's unpredictable moods. It's different to experience peace when war has been all you have known for years.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Days five and six...
On day five he asked to see the kids. I ate an entire bag of circus peanuts and pulled all the weeds from my step fathers front lawn by hand while they were gone for the afternoon. The hardest part of the visit had been getting our five year old to go, as he insisted Dad had locked him out of the house.
My mother made chop suey and egg rolls. My stomach didn't know what to do with real food, the curry made my tummy warm and fussy.
He texted me that the kids were done eating, so I went to get them. That's ere he told me he didn't want a divorce and he doesn't like my blog. I than explained that me writing on my public journal is not any different than me going to a coffee house and talking to a gaggle of my cousins and friends. He didn't seem to understand that the thing he dislikes most about the blog happens everyone a spouse goes and tells their family about the other.
He also didn't seem to understand that the biggest problem he has right now is the fear he has created in me and our kids. It the main reason the trust has been broken and he reason I gave for he needing to leave the house and not live with me right now. The examples given had been said before and just as before he claimed I had never told him those things. It's incredibly frustrating to hear you never said that before. It incredibly frustrating to hear I will go to counseling, when the promise has been empty for so long.
It's really hard to deal with the excuses of why he hasn't gone. It's hard to understand why anyone would think it would be different, especially my mother. I believe she doesn't understand how things can look so good from the outside and be bad underneath.
On day six he text me requesting the sleeping bag from my step fathers shed. It set up a nearly impossible task with the time table of 40 minutes. He asked at 645 am. The big problem was the camping gear is buried. He should have known that, but I guess it just slipped his mind. After getting he kids up and out of bed, I emptied out the shed. It took me about 35 minutes to get out the camping gear, barely making it out in time for him and the kids to go to school.
He officially vacated the apartment so kids and I can stop sleeping on he floor. We returned home and I put back all their clothing. Unbelievably exhausted I went to sleep with the kids after reading the story
My mother made chop suey and egg rolls. My stomach didn't know what to do with real food, the curry made my tummy warm and fussy.
He texted me that the kids were done eating, so I went to get them. That's ere he told me he didn't want a divorce and he doesn't like my blog. I than explained that me writing on my public journal is not any different than me going to a coffee house and talking to a gaggle of my cousins and friends. He didn't seem to understand that the thing he dislikes most about the blog happens everyone a spouse goes and tells their family about the other.
He also didn't seem to understand that the biggest problem he has right now is the fear he has created in me and our kids. It the main reason the trust has been broken and he reason I gave for he needing to leave the house and not live with me right now. The examples given had been said before and just as before he claimed I had never told him those things. It's incredibly frustrating to hear you never said that before. It incredibly frustrating to hear I will go to counseling, when the promise has been empty for so long.
It's really hard to deal with the excuses of why he hasn't gone. It's hard to understand why anyone would think it would be different, especially my mother. I believe she doesn't understand how things can look so good from the outside and be bad underneath.
On day six he text me requesting the sleeping bag from my step fathers shed. It set up a nearly impossible task with the time table of 40 minutes. He asked at 645 am. The big problem was the camping gear is buried. He should have known that, but I guess it just slipped his mind. After getting he kids up and out of bed, I emptied out the shed. It took me about 35 minutes to get out the camping gear, barely making it out in time for him and the kids to go to school.
He officially vacated the apartment so kids and I can stop sleeping on he floor. We returned home and I put back all their clothing. Unbelievably exhausted I went to sleep with the kids after reading the story
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Day four....
Today was a whirlwind! My baby is still sick, though the fever seems to be breaking. He hasn't been more than 100 all day! When this kid gets sick; he really gets sick. He took two naps today! Yeah me I got to shower and wash a load of laundry!
I checked the bank balance, and just as one would suspect the bank account is broke. A tiny bummer because my oldest wanted to buy a toy for his friends birthday party. :(. I took the two older boys to the party where they jumped and jumped to their hearts delight! It was a family style birthday, the kind that reminded me of my dysfunctional cousins from back when we lives on the south aide of town. If you've got no clue what I am talking about imagine this: a bouncey house in the front, music blasting in English and Spanish, baroque grilling, rented tables and chairs lining the front driveway And all the neighborhood kids running around.
My kids enjoyed themselves, had fun with the piñata and ate ice cream cake till they got ice creAm headaches! Being a south side family type party I came home with two burgers with all the toppings, four hot dogs, extra cake, a bag of juicy and ripe oranges, and half a dozen juice boxes. I forgot to mention the pound of candy!
I browsed the residential streets of Peoria. I tell my kids it treasure hunting. I drive around looking for something good in the stuff that wealthier people throw out on bulk trash collection. Last year I found a nice tv stand that is being used to hold all the other equipment in the living room. I didn't find anything today. :(
Positive note my klout score increased this weekend. If you don't know about klout.com you might want to try them out. It's a way to see how influential you are online. It is actually interesting to learn what make them go up and what has no effect.
I know what your wondering...Did she go home? What happened since yesterday? Not much interaction. But ha has placed a rebuttal in the comments to my last few days of post. Just as before I have made the decision to leave the comments unedited. They are there for all to read if you'd like. Other than that there was no actual progress or any set backs for the day.
I did spend sometime taking some of those Cosmo type quizzes about should you get a divorce, Lack of surprise they all said I should except for the quiz on Dr. Phil. As far as I can tell only one or two percent of the divorced would meet Dr. Phil's standard to get a divorce. So he either thinks nearly all relationships can be saved or thinks most people are far more mature and level headed than we are.
I checked the bank balance, and just as one would suspect the bank account is broke. A tiny bummer because my oldest wanted to buy a toy for his friends birthday party. :(. I took the two older boys to the party where they jumped and jumped to their hearts delight! It was a family style birthday, the kind that reminded me of my dysfunctional cousins from back when we lives on the south aide of town. If you've got no clue what I am talking about imagine this: a bouncey house in the front, music blasting in English and Spanish, baroque grilling, rented tables and chairs lining the front driveway And all the neighborhood kids running around.
My kids enjoyed themselves, had fun with the piñata and ate ice cream cake till they got ice creAm headaches! Being a south side family type party I came home with two burgers with all the toppings, four hot dogs, extra cake, a bag of juicy and ripe oranges, and half a dozen juice boxes. I forgot to mention the pound of candy!
I browsed the residential streets of Peoria. I tell my kids it treasure hunting. I drive around looking for something good in the stuff that wealthier people throw out on bulk trash collection. Last year I found a nice tv stand that is being used to hold all the other equipment in the living room. I didn't find anything today. :(
Positive note my klout score increased this weekend. If you don't know about klout.com you might want to try them out. It's a way to see how influential you are online. It is actually interesting to learn what make them go up and what has no effect.
I know what your wondering...Did she go home? What happened since yesterday? Not much interaction. But ha has placed a rebuttal in the comments to my last few days of post. Just as before I have made the decision to leave the comments unedited. They are there for all to read if you'd like. Other than that there was no actual progress or any set backs for the day.
I did spend sometime taking some of those Cosmo type quizzes about should you get a divorce, Lack of surprise they all said I should except for the quiz on Dr. Phil. As far as I can tell only one or two percent of the divorced would meet Dr. Phil's standard to get a divorce. So he either thinks nearly all relationships can be saved or thinks most people are far more mature and level headed than we are.
Day three...
Exhausted last night. My two year old is still feverish. I called the urgent care clinic back because he had developed a bad cough and they requested I bring him back.
I didn't have a car or a stroller. I considered walking the mile and buying a stroller after the appointment at the nearby Target and taking a cab. Both seemed like poor options. I sent a text message to my estranged husband asking to bring me the Car. Seeing as how he hadn't responded to the previous text about the kids being ill I didn't hold out much hope. I prepared to walk.
Surprise! He text back saying he would be over in five. He arrived.
The next five minutes were the most awkward in all the history of our marriage. Absolute silence and the longest red light of my life; longer than any red light on Grand Ave as a train passes by.
Long end to the story I got the keys and the car back! I took my baby back to the urgent care where I was instructed to keep giving the antibiotics and add a cortisteroid and over counter cough syrup. My five year old went to school for the first time this week, Friday. And my eight year old added coughing to his cold.
I didn't have a car or a stroller. I considered walking the mile and buying a stroller after the appointment at the nearby Target and taking a cab. Both seemed like poor options. I sent a text message to my estranged husband asking to bring me the Car. Seeing as how he hadn't responded to the previous text about the kids being ill I didn't hold out much hope. I prepared to walk.
Surprise! He text back saying he would be over in five. He arrived.
The next five minutes were the most awkward in all the history of our marriage. Absolute silence and the longest red light of my life; longer than any red light on Grand Ave as a train passes by.
Long end to the story I got the keys and the car back! I took my baby back to the urgent care where I was instructed to keep giving the antibiotics and add a cortisteroid and over counter cough syrup. My five year old went to school for the first time this week, Friday. And my eight year old added coughing to his cold.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Day two...
Another day. I am quite convinced this seperation will end in divorce. I have accepted what my conselors, family and friends have know for years, that my husband is an abuser. No I don't have physical bruises, but I have the kind you can't see....
He remains in his rage mode. He did not go to school or work today. I am certain he did this because he was afraid I would steal my own car.
Because he did not leave the house today I was forced to get a police escort into my own home so I could get a few more clothes for my kids. When we arrived it was obvious that he had just been smoking Mary Jane, but the officer didn't arrest him. He still refuses to hand over the car keys. He actually removed the keys from my key ring just so I couldn't have them.
The kids are doing well. Perhaps they feel safe here at my mothers house. We don't have beds here. The kids are sleeping on an air mattress and still enjoying it, for now.
They are safely tucked in bed. I am sticking as closely to our routine as I can. I kept the promise to take them to Peter Piper Pizza for the school fundraiser. My mother drove us. I believe she is petrified he could do something unpredictable. We will be changing the locks and garage codes.
Strangely I am calmer than i was when staying with him. Weird feeling being at peace. Not worried I didn't do it good enough. Not worried I forgot to take the trash out, sweep the floor, hang clean towels in the bathroom or the mess the kids made in their room.
He remains in his rage mode. He did not go to school or work today. I am certain he did this because he was afraid I would steal my own car.
Because he did not leave the house today I was forced to get a police escort into my own home so I could get a few more clothes for my kids. When we arrived it was obvious that he had just been smoking Mary Jane, but the officer didn't arrest him. He still refuses to hand over the car keys. He actually removed the keys from my key ring just so I couldn't have them.
The kids are doing well. Perhaps they feel safe here at my mothers house. We don't have beds here. The kids are sleeping on an air mattress and still enjoying it, for now.
They are safely tucked in bed. I am sticking as closely to our routine as I can. I kept the promise to take them to Peter Piper Pizza for the school fundraiser. My mother drove us. I believe she is petrified he could do something unpredictable. We will be changing the locks and garage codes.
Strangely I am calmer than i was when staying with him. Weird feeling being at peace. Not worried I didn't do it good enough. Not worried I forgot to take the trash out, sweep the floor, hang clean towels in the bathroom or the mess the kids made in their room.
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