tired.

Hi.

You might remember me from a few weeks ago.  I was very stressed out about surgery, my husband returning to school and what it would mean for his current job and our only income at the moment.  I was also stressed about getting my son seen and evaluated for ADHD.  I vaguely remember other things like wanting an iPad 2, which I still don't have.

Today I am very tired.  It has already been 2 weeks since surgery, which seems to have gone well.  My husband took off some days from work, which we can't actually afford, but was really needed.  I am able to move again, play with my kids and off pain medication.  That is not why I am tired.  I am tired, I am wondering what my relationship is with my family, should I have more of a relationship with them or is what I got far too much?

I know everyone has family issues.  Everyone has people with issues, both mental mostly medical and those that are from bad choices or behavior.  It seems lately my family is troubled.  If you are my family and your reading this then you know about recent arrests, general association with the wrong crowds, bad relationships and I mean violent in every way, bad health, preventable deaths, financial troubles, mostly all the bad things.

So why so tired?  A personal crisis and a set of family crisis.  Monday was a rather bad day.  But it all started last week.  Last week an older, but still young man in my family past away and was buried on Saturday.  Saturday night a pair of my cousins went for a ride in a stolen car.  One hangs on for life the other is expected to live, recover fully, I don't know.  It is hard being alienated from my family because I found out about the crisis with my cousins Monday evening about 5pm.  That alone was rough, be ware of family messages posted on Facebook, they may bring awful news.  So the personal cries also happened just before 5pm.  My husbands work van broke down.  He is the owner of the vehicle and no the person he works for does not care that the van does not work, he is not going to help us fix it or provide a temporary work vehicle, so now my husband can't work.

I stayed at the hospital a while Monday night, not knowing what was happening or what my role should be I sat in the ICU waiting room.  It was reported that I was the calmest person there.  Not certain that was true.  I think I might have been the most distracted there, possibly that was confused for calmness.  I returned home late last night and for the fourth night in a row had trouble going to sleep.  My eyes are puffy, dry, heavy, dull, lifeless.  My reaction time is no existent.  I remembered to take my baby to his wellness doctors appointment this morning, though we were late and the doc was annoyed.  I stopped by the hospital since I was kinda close after the doc appointment, and found that small children are not welcome in ICU.  I waited around awhile, but I did not find any cousins or aunts in the waiting room this time so I did not see my cousins though I want too.  I hear Star is doing better, but has not been told her brother is in bad shape.  And he was when I saw him late last night.  He seemed too young to be so gravely injured, yet strangely did not seem to have more then a mere scratch on his arm.

I tried to sleep this afternoon when I returned.  My husband is rather upset and stressed about the work vehicle issue.  I can't get more then a few harsh words out of him today.  I tried a few minutes ago to start a spaghetti dinner and was told he did not want spaghetti.  I asked about some drumsticks, which I was told to never buy again because he can't tell if they are cooked all the way.  So I stopped making the dinner and asked what he wanted but never got an answer.  I started writing this.  This made him angry.  He started making the spaghetti dinner I was going to make after slamming around the dirty dishes.

So I am tired.  Wonder if I will sleep finally.  Wonder if I should be closer to my family, should they have my telephone number?  Do I belong in an ICU waiting room or far away in my usually isolation? Just tired.  My eyes are burning.