Ahhhhhh!

hello bereft....

would love to contact you and chat a bit on the difficulties of love and all the really important life stuff.

actually been thinking about it awhile, but an old devil called generalized anxiety has been plaguing me of late.  

I noticed that your not listed as a follower or was it registered user..?  Anyway I can't contact you because of one of those reasons.

Everyone else;

Yeah I haven't been keeping this up very well lately.  Yes, I started a new job.  I really like the job.  As I was telling bereft, this old devil I used to know has possessed me.  Things are difficult enough in general, even with out ADHD, but that whole anxiety thing is quite paralyzing.  Actually, looked at all the drugs underneath my sink and couldn't decide which one to try again, or if I should just take some benadryl, or call my family doc, or the clinic that provides the ADHD medication, which then lead me to wonder why I had an extra bottle of Adderall ER and Adderall under there.  Have I been missing the doses that often?  Did I somehow get my script filled twice?  What the hell?  Why was I freaking out 2 months ago because I was running out?  Was it always there?  I know I miss it a couple of times a month, but I take it with the birth control and the little blister pack shows only a few missed ones!?
So then their is trying to explain what an anxiety disorder is to new people, new people I work with, who instead of being helpful actually became so overwhelming that looking at emails, the ringing cell phone, that beeping text message, just made me hide; not want to hide, actually hide.  How do you explain it when their is no logic?  And then you go and screw other things up like a friendship, because your trying to express how envious you are of their situation, which they think just sucks, and make them all mad.  Dude, don't think she liked me very much or even accepted that I tried to apologize, or understood I wasn't being mean, just trying to say how very lucky she really was, because if she had experienced what I had she wouldn't think I was being condescending, or whatever she thought.  Gees, this sucks.  How do you explain that to people?  How do you apologize for something that you don't actually have control over?  How do you explain that even if you could take a pill to make it all go away, you would need to wait until the next available appointment at the clinic--which is a very long, long, time from now.  Sure, you can try and tell me just say your sorry, but reality is ADHD makes things difficult for co-workers and anxiety just makes you seem like a non-caring ass-hole because you can't answer the phone.  Never mind, that you haven't slept or eaten anything of substance for weeks, and just now figured that out, or that you literally threw up when they called and you ignored the quacking ring that was just too cute a few weeks ago.  Yes, I already know I just can't do anything right.  I get it.  My marriage sucks, I can't manage working, I can't manage housework, I can't afford to feed the family now that food stamps were taken away.  That was something I wanted, I wanted to stand on my own two feed and be rid of the State Welfare system.  Yeah, but now I am freaking out!  How do you feed a family, when you don't actually have a steady paycheck, you owe possibly thousands to a babysitter, but are so stressed by just knowing you owe money that you can't add it up to find out how bad it really is?!!  You say yeah just take a Valium and sleep on it.  I so would if I had them or the courage to just take a little magic pill.  Oh, and I read a book, one given to me by Parent Partners, who help people manage the social worker and education system so that things they need are taken care of, like an IEP for a kid, or speech therapy.  The book was the Jenny McCarthy book,  Louder than Words, which really made me feel even more guilty about what I missed along the way, things that you know would have or should have made me say hey this is what is wrong and why I think my kid needs some help before its too late!  Yeah, I felt very guilty, angry, though I eagerly read the whole book in a few hours.  I didn't feel joy, I picked up on all the bad things parents with children who aren't quite normal go through, like the avoiding friends-until they aren't friends anymore, not going to play groups, being terrified of regular preschool because you know kids are not politically correct, their blunt, they just come out and say it.  Oh, I don't know if this helps anyone understand what a paralyzing thing anxiety can become in your life.  And you don't know how bad it is until you are negatively impacting everyone around you.  

Give a dog a bone

Then be prepared to sweep, vacuum and mop up after!  I thought it was a good idea to finally give the dogs the bones that have been sitting on the fridge for months, but forgot how my dogs like to hide and eat them in strange places.  I now have hickory smoked bone crumbles all over my new suits!  I guess that is my fault for throwing em on the floor.


Today, I look for some balance.  This new job has a lot of "Studying" that must be done before I can actually earn money.  I know my husband was getting very annoyed Friday Evening that I was online completing a tiny bit of the required coursework, but I fixed that when I pointed out that I had to finish this stuff before I could actually make some money.  So he let me study Saturday too, and even took the kids to the dentist.  It was nice, I dislike taking the kids there, and I wouldn't have been able to study because the coursework requires a Windows PC and my iPhone and iPad are definitely not that!  I did consider reinstalling Parallels on my Mac, but it would not have made a difference because I haven't jail broken my iPhone or iPad, so i couldn't have tethered my laptop.  Kinda makes me wish I would jail break it, but I worry about security issues, and I am not going to put other peoples information at risk like that, even if it only increases the risk by 1%.  It would be just too dangerous.

So, I go back to studying later this afternoon.  The kids have eaten breakfast of pan fried Spam, and I ate my Pops.  Right now I am going to get a long workout in, because the workweek is going to be long and  start early.

Wondering if my thoughts are making much sense.  I woke up last night and was deciding whether my imaginary family should have an annuity or life insurance instead....

Passed

First I am tired. Very bad bags under my eyes. My husband keeps telling me that the cure for bags under the eyes is Preperation H. Funny and weird. WHo knows where guys read about beauty and health remedies....

I passed my exam. Better than most people. I earned an 86%. 70% is considered passing. Basically it is a pass fail test. Ate lunch. And now it is time to get ready for my Orientation class today. Yeah.

I think I need a nap. Also have a dinner party today.

Dark Circles

Tired? Bored? What is the difference? Both lead to slacking off and then that overwhelming need to rush due to procrastination.

Still looking for a job. Bored took career test on Careerbuilder.com Told me the obvious: "You're a CREATOR" Of course I am! It also says I am an "Organizer". Well duh, anyone that buys an App so they can take inventory of their kitchen and household cleaning things must be an Organizer. Really! You read that right, I have an anal retentive app that allows me to track the cans of Red Beans in my pantry.

That is the best I could get! Info I already know. I know I have taken jobs that are not in my strengths. I know I need a job that allows me to be impulsive, tact-less, intuitive and emotional. Yes I need a job that allows me to do something that has precision and planning. I am good at it. That is what makes me so great at sales. I am candid, rational and irrational at the same time. I sell people things based on the emotional need, that is probably why I was such a good counselor at UOP, I could relate, (they call that empathy, and yeah I got that). And I understand organization, AKA commissions structures, data entry that gets me more and I seem to be accurate with customer orders and a stickler for rules and regulations- (yes, I know that is a contradiction to impulsiveness, but I promise you can be a contradiction and still be fun to work with).

So, the desperate search continues... I submitted an Ad on Facebook and Google Adsense to help get me Hired. Yeah, I have no money, but no one said you couldn't risk it all to get dollar bills.

So tired, yet I danced and sung out loud. I embarrassed my kids, and I was in my own home. Felt good.

Did I really sleep last night?D

I have been wondering around for days in a fog.  Today I am wondering if I am actually sleeping.  Did I sleep last night?  I can't say for sure.  I know I laid down in bed.  I know I stared at the clock many times last night.  I know that I every time I seem to get to sleep I am startled awake.

Take a nap, fall asleep, husband opens door to bedroom to get socks.  Scared the begibize out of me.  I could not go back to sleep.

Baby wakes up.  Not really fair to call him a baby since he is nearly two, but he started sleeping in his room, but he still wakes up in the middle of the night.  I got up and brought him to my bed, it was already 5:45 am.

Finally back asleep...  Husband enters room frantically searching for his truck keys!  Where did I put them he asked.  Like I misplaced them.  And yes I often misplace things I pick up, like his keys, but I swore I put them back on the hook.  I got out of bed, checked the hamper, searched every pocket, could not remember what clothes I wore last! He suddenly leaves the apartment, but did not tell me if he found the keys.  I look out the window, he is not in the truck.

Where the hell did he go?  For a walk, he went to look for the keys in the grassy area near the kids bus stop.  Oh, great I did not misplace the keys, he did.  And now I can't go back to sleep.

An end

So the world has literally ended.  All the trouble of last week has, well resolved.  I guess that is the simplest way to put it.  It is not very nice to say it that way, a life ended, another will be changed forever, and others will simply need to learn to live again.  Bad things last week resolved themselves badly.  It hurts, makes you feel empty, hopeless and like life just is not fair.

Coping.  So today everyone who's world changed must get out of bed, though it seems impossible to do so.  Today cousins got dressed, fed kids, went to work, made plans to remember.  Tommorow Aunts, and Uncles will do the same.  And the next day sisters and brothers will rise and start the day missing one.  A mother and father will take more days but will start again soon.  That is all that can be done.  Clean the kitchen, vacuum the floor, scrub the bathroom, then again tomorrow.  Eat.

Most of the confusion about my own place in the world still exist.  What can one do?  What can you say when someone else doesn't think your entitled to your own pain?  What can one do when you see your family treating each other badly though they were grown years ago?  What can you do but watch the anger, feel frustration and know that everyone is simply exhausted?  Can anyone relive the tension or help each other rest so that tomorrow is better?

On the death.  Those who are asking why,  I think there is an answer.  I think we die when we have learned what we were here to learn.  There is some lesson God wanted us to learn, and when we have the answer we get to go home.  For some of us, we find the answer and learn the lesson early and we die young.  For those of us unlucky souls, we live long lives, grow gray, some watch their own children go before them, for us left here on earth we haven't found the answer or learned the lessons of life God had in mind. So have faith, you can get home too, it just may take some more time.  I say we ought to envy those who have died young for they were blessed and just maybe if you listen they can provide you clues to the road home.

tired.

Hi.

You might remember me from a few weeks ago.  I was very stressed out about surgery, my husband returning to school and what it would mean for his current job and our only income at the moment.  I was also stressed about getting my son seen and evaluated for ADHD.  I vaguely remember other things like wanting an iPad 2, which I still don't have.

Today I am very tired.  It has already been 2 weeks since surgery, which seems to have gone well.  My husband took off some days from work, which we can't actually afford, but was really needed.  I am able to move again, play with my kids and off pain medication.  That is not why I am tired.  I am tired, I am wondering what my relationship is with my family, should I have more of a relationship with them or is what I got far too much?

I know everyone has family issues.  Everyone has people with issues, both mental mostly medical and those that are from bad choices or behavior.  It seems lately my family is troubled.  If you are my family and your reading this then you know about recent arrests, general association with the wrong crowds, bad relationships and I mean violent in every way, bad health, preventable deaths, financial troubles, mostly all the bad things.

So why so tired?  A personal crisis and a set of family crisis.  Monday was a rather bad day.  But it all started last week.  Last week an older, but still young man in my family past away and was buried on Saturday.  Saturday night a pair of my cousins went for a ride in a stolen car.  One hangs on for life the other is expected to live, recover fully, I don't know.  It is hard being alienated from my family because I found out about the crisis with my cousins Monday evening about 5pm.  That alone was rough, be ware of family messages posted on Facebook, they may bring awful news.  So the personal cries also happened just before 5pm.  My husbands work van broke down.  He is the owner of the vehicle and no the person he works for does not care that the van does not work, he is not going to help us fix it or provide a temporary work vehicle, so now my husband can't work.

I stayed at the hospital a while Monday night, not knowing what was happening or what my role should be I sat in the ICU waiting room.  It was reported that I was the calmest person there.  Not certain that was true.  I think I might have been the most distracted there, possibly that was confused for calmness.  I returned home late last night and for the fourth night in a row had trouble going to sleep.  My eyes are puffy, dry, heavy, dull, lifeless.  My reaction time is no existent.  I remembered to take my baby to his wellness doctors appointment this morning, though we were late and the doc was annoyed.  I stopped by the hospital since I was kinda close after the doc appointment, and found that small children are not welcome in ICU.  I waited around awhile, but I did not find any cousins or aunts in the waiting room this time so I did not see my cousins though I want too.  I hear Star is doing better, but has not been told her brother is in bad shape.  And he was when I saw him late last night.  He seemed too young to be so gravely injured, yet strangely did not seem to have more then a mere scratch on his arm.

I tried to sleep this afternoon when I returned.  My husband is rather upset and stressed about the work vehicle issue.  I can't get more then a few harsh words out of him today.  I tried a few minutes ago to start a spaghetti dinner and was told he did not want spaghetti.  I asked about some drumsticks, which I was told to never buy again because he can't tell if they are cooked all the way.  So I stopped making the dinner and asked what he wanted but never got an answer.  I started writing this.  This made him angry.  He started making the spaghetti dinner I was going to make after slamming around the dirty dishes.

So I am tired.  Wonder if I will sleep finally.  Wonder if I should be closer to my family, should they have my telephone number?  Do I belong in an ICU waiting room or far away in my usually isolation? Just tired.  My eyes are burning.