hello bereft....
would love to contact you and chat a bit on the difficulties of love and all the really important life stuff.
actually been thinking about it awhile, but an old devil called generalized anxiety has been plaguing me of late.
I noticed that your not listed as a follower or was it registered user..? Anyway I can't contact you because of one of those reasons.
Everyone else;
Yeah I haven't been keeping this up very well lately. Yes, I started a new job. I really like the job. As I was telling bereft, this old devil I used to know has possessed me. Things are difficult enough in general, even with out ADHD, but that whole anxiety thing is quite paralyzing. Actually, looked at all the drugs underneath my sink and couldn't decide which one to try again, or if I should just take some benadryl, or call my family doc, or the clinic that provides the ADHD medication, which then lead me to wonder why I had an extra bottle of Adderall ER and Adderall under there. Have I been missing the doses that often? Did I somehow get my script filled twice? What the hell? Why was I freaking out 2 months ago because I was running out? Was it always there? I know I miss it a couple of times a month, but I take it with the birth control and the little blister pack shows only a few missed ones!?
So then their is trying to explain what an anxiety disorder is to new people, new people I work with, who instead of being helpful actually became so overwhelming that looking at emails, the ringing cell phone, that beeping text message, just made me hide; not want to hide, actually hide. How do you explain it when their is no logic? And then you go and screw other things up like a friendship, because your trying to express how envious you are of their situation, which they think just sucks, and make them all mad. Dude, don't think she liked me very much or even accepted that I tried to apologize, or understood I wasn't being mean, just trying to say how very lucky she really was, because if she had experienced what I had she wouldn't think I was being condescending, or whatever she thought. Gees, this sucks. How do you explain that to people? How do you apologize for something that you don't actually have control over? How do you explain that even if you could take a pill to make it all go away, you would need to wait until the next available appointment at the clinic--which is a very long, long, time from now. Sure, you can try and tell me just say your sorry, but reality is ADHD makes things difficult for co-workers and anxiety just makes you seem like a non-caring ass-hole because you can't answer the phone. Never mind, that you haven't slept or eaten anything of substance for weeks, and just now figured that out, or that you literally threw up when they called and you ignored the quacking ring that was just too cute a few weeks ago. Yes, I already know I just can't do anything right. I get it. My marriage sucks, I can't manage working, I can't manage housework, I can't afford to feed the family now that food stamps were taken away. That was something I wanted, I wanted to stand on my own two feed and be rid of the State Welfare system. Yeah, but now I am freaking out! How do you feed a family, when you don't actually have a steady paycheck, you owe possibly thousands to a babysitter, but are so stressed by just knowing you owe money that you can't add it up to find out how bad it really is?!! You say yeah just take a Valium and sleep on it. I so would if I had them or the courage to just take a little magic pill. Oh, and I read a book, one given to me by Parent Partners, who help people manage the social worker and education system so that things they need are taken care of, like an IEP for a kid, or speech therapy. The book was the Jenny McCarthy book, Louder than Words, which really made me feel even more guilty about what I missed along the way, things that you know would have or should have made me say hey this is what is wrong and why I think my kid needs some help before its too late! Yeah, I felt very guilty, angry, though I eagerly read the whole book in a few hours. I didn't feel joy, I picked up on all the bad things parents with children who aren't quite normal go through, like the avoiding friends-until they aren't friends anymore, not going to play groups, being terrified of regular preschool because you know kids are not politically correct, their blunt, they just come out and say it. Oh, I don't know if this helps anyone understand what a paralyzing thing anxiety can become in your life. And you don't know how bad it is until you are negatively impacting everyone around you.
would love to contact you and chat a bit on the difficulties of love and all the really important life stuff.
actually been thinking about it awhile, but an old devil called generalized anxiety has been plaguing me of late.
I noticed that your not listed as a follower or was it registered user..? Anyway I can't contact you because of one of those reasons.
Everyone else;
Yeah I haven't been keeping this up very well lately. Yes, I started a new job. I really like the job. As I was telling bereft, this old devil I used to know has possessed me. Things are difficult enough in general, even with out ADHD, but that whole anxiety thing is quite paralyzing. Actually, looked at all the drugs underneath my sink and couldn't decide which one to try again, or if I should just take some benadryl, or call my family doc, or the clinic that provides the ADHD medication, which then lead me to wonder why I had an extra bottle of Adderall ER and Adderall under there. Have I been missing the doses that often? Did I somehow get my script filled twice? What the hell? Why was I freaking out 2 months ago because I was running out? Was it always there? I know I miss it a couple of times a month, but I take it with the birth control and the little blister pack shows only a few missed ones!?
So then their is trying to explain what an anxiety disorder is to new people, new people I work with, who instead of being helpful actually became so overwhelming that looking at emails, the ringing cell phone, that beeping text message, just made me hide; not want to hide, actually hide. How do you explain it when their is no logic? And then you go and screw other things up like a friendship, because your trying to express how envious you are of their situation, which they think just sucks, and make them all mad. Dude, don't think she liked me very much or even accepted that I tried to apologize, or understood I wasn't being mean, just trying to say how very lucky she really was, because if she had experienced what I had she wouldn't think I was being condescending, or whatever she thought. Gees, this sucks. How do you explain that to people? How do you apologize for something that you don't actually have control over? How do you explain that even if you could take a pill to make it all go away, you would need to wait until the next available appointment at the clinic--which is a very long, long, time from now. Sure, you can try and tell me just say your sorry, but reality is ADHD makes things difficult for co-workers and anxiety just makes you seem like a non-caring ass-hole because you can't answer the phone. Never mind, that you haven't slept or eaten anything of substance for weeks, and just now figured that out, or that you literally threw up when they called and you ignored the quacking ring that was just too cute a few weeks ago. Yes, I already know I just can't do anything right. I get it. My marriage sucks, I can't manage working, I can't manage housework, I can't afford to feed the family now that food stamps were taken away. That was something I wanted, I wanted to stand on my own two feed and be rid of the State Welfare system. Yeah, but now I am freaking out! How do you feed a family, when you don't actually have a steady paycheck, you owe possibly thousands to a babysitter, but are so stressed by just knowing you owe money that you can't add it up to find out how bad it really is?!! You say yeah just take a Valium and sleep on it. I so would if I had them or the courage to just take a little magic pill. Oh, and I read a book, one given to me by Parent Partners, who help people manage the social worker and education system so that things they need are taken care of, like an IEP for a kid, or speech therapy. The book was the Jenny McCarthy book, Louder than Words, which really made me feel even more guilty about what I missed along the way, things that you know would have or should have made me say hey this is what is wrong and why I think my kid needs some help before its too late! Yeah, I felt very guilty, angry, though I eagerly read the whole book in a few hours. I didn't feel joy, I picked up on all the bad things parents with children who aren't quite normal go through, like the avoiding friends-until they aren't friends anymore, not going to play groups, being terrified of regular preschool because you know kids are not politically correct, their blunt, they just come out and say it. Oh, I don't know if this helps anyone understand what a paralyzing thing anxiety can become in your life. And you don't know how bad it is until you are negatively impacting everyone around you.
2 comments:
and you'll spend hours on the web looking for some mystical solution to the problems that aren't problems, but you can't seem to get moving, its like you need someone to hold your hand the whole damn way or you'll just pee your pants or something totally bizzare! No I am not drunk, or drugged, but I probably should be, or maybe you should be. How the hell would I know, your the one that is still reading an actual anxiety attack in words on the internet about some strange woman whom I'd bet you don't actually know. I can say that because I read the metrics, I see where my readers are from, I know most people who claim to have read my blog only read the catch, wacky teaser I posted on facebook or twitter or some random place on craigslist because I was craving attention from a complete stranger so I didn't need to feel bad if you judged me.
Hi. I've registered now. Please email me (Greta) when you can and I'll reply. Thanks Pam
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