Tears wetting my iPad.

Utterly confused.

I don't understand and can't make sense of what just happened. I am in tears again. The message from the church I visited yesterday was to ask for courage from God. I am heart broken tonight and desperately need the courage offered.

Things are tuff. I am doing what I can to maintain. Why is he so angry all the time? Why did he tell me I was a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down? I really don't understand. I tried asking him why he said those things, it just made him very angry. He left the home we once shared in anger. I waited for him to return. Hoping he would find his rational self and explain what he felt when he said those things. It's been over an hour. I don't know where he went. Did he go get a drink? Was he drinking before I asked him over? Why does asking "why" produce such a negative response? Does he not know how it hurts? What happen to the texts from Saturday where he said he would go to church with his family?

I have people in my life telling me all the should haves. They become offended when I say I don't want to worry about the should haves and what ifs. I simply want to work on right now. One of them sent a text demanding me to make a final decision about divorce, etcetera. Really? I thought I was supposed to take my time or trust my heart to know what to do and when to do it?

The new church people didn't make such demands. They didn't think I was nuts or indecisive. They just offered their hearts and prayers that I would do what Gods will was. They understood and I wasn't alone, it was okay to just be me. I suppose my teachers must have hated me, I've always asked why.