Taboo

Taboo

I was left wondering what is so taboo about sharing your life after I stopped laughing at the silly bickering left in the comments.

Why is it not okay to share? I know some will say you need to keep your problems to yourself, it's not our business. I must disagree.

Here's why. Not sharing is how critical mass was reached in my marriage. Now I am not looking for a meddling mother in law. But when people keep their worries and joys to themselves they ultimately suffer and do does the community at large.

See there is someone out there that is going to read these blog post and see their own marriage. They might recognize that they need to seek help before they need assistance from the police or find themselves in divorce court. Even more important a friend or family member may realize that your family needs help ending a dysfunctional cycle and help intervene.

So why don't I share good things? Oh I do, it's just right now the amount of bad things are more plentiful.

Kid sick again

It's something I wonder, how many times a year is it normal to have a cold? It seems like my kid is sick every other week. Fever, body aches, sore throat. I wonder about myself as well! In the last 30 days I have been taken down by a cold, stomach bug and strep throat. That doesn't count the number of times I was sick in December or November either. I read some where that University of Arizona did a study on children with ADHD and frequent illness, where when the tonsils and anadiloids were removed 50% of patients actually stopped exhibiting symptoms of ADHD impairment. Just wondering if that is a solution for me or if it would help my 5 year old.

Tried to go to the Jewel Center in downtown Phoenix again. And again I was turned away because the child care center was short staffed. It bugs me because it is such a long drive to get there and they won't let you take any classes until after orientation is completed. After yesterday's visit with the Vocational Rehabilitation counselor I would like to take one of their parenting classes as well as the self esteem class I keep trying to get into. Bummer after a very long drive! Of course if my 5 year old hadn't been sick I might have been able to see if my Aunt was at my Nana's house to watch the baby. I simply can't visit my Nana with a sick kid, she has become far to frail for it. So I will need to try another day or week to get this orientation finished.

So a friend of my husband has become annoyed with the airing of the dirty laundry. I told her it was fine If she unfriend me as she had to do what was best for her mental health. She reports he post things on his Facebook page about my blog, arguments ect. That's fine by me, I don't read his Facebook page. I never actually did even when he was a friend of mine on Facebook page. I have heard enough from the media about how reading your spouses pages are bad for your marriage. Besides I didn't have time when I was busy trying to keep house his way. I do have the time now, but find it better spent studying marriage self help books, career advice, ADHD, and PDD-Nos. I learned yesterday that my five year old is eligible for Social Security Disability Income, which could help me get him into tutoring, motor skills development, or other enrichment program to keep him as close to his peers as possible. I haven't made the call, yet. It is just so overwhelming to think that your 5 year old as eligible for SSDI. So I will work on that tomorrow.

In the mean time I will try and wash the sheets and towels that got dirty when my two year old had explosive diarrhea this afternoon. And hope I can get everyone in the car to drop off my oldest for scouts because my husband promises to pick him up.

Courage and wtf. My mom takes his side?!

Have you ever woke up to the sound of your own sobs?

My pillow was soaked. I don't know how long I had been crying in my sleep. I just find it strange.

I visited my mothers house today. But only because I had too leave my son with her do I could go to my Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. I got an ear lashing! It wasn't t fair and it wasn't right. She was already angry before I got there and had decided I was simply holding a grudge against my estranged husband. I knew after Saturday that she didn't truly understand what has been happening in this house over the years. And today I learned she just doesn't want to believe I can decide that enough had gone wrong. She demanded I just decide right now and get a divorce! Suddenly, she went from you shouldn't get a divorce to I must hurry up and do it right now.

She made excuses for him. She tried to justify bad behavior. She flat out can't accept indecision on my behalf. I got screamed at for having the audacity to ask my husband "why, now?" it's a perfectly fair question when someone tells you they are considering joining he Reserves. Apparently I am not entitled to learn that information about my husbands plans. I say shouldn't a wife know why you want to enlist, why separated service in he first place and why now is a good time to re-enlist? My husband called me a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down via text message. He's angry because I asked the same question the recruiter will ask. Why he immediately decided I was being vindictive is beyond me. Could he not have simply asked why I was so rude or called instead of telling me I was a bitch? Having two against one is not fair!

She didn't care that he should have handled his anger differently. She had no idea what had happened on Saturday. She didn't care that I thought I was given a glimmer of hope when he said he would go to church with his family. She didn't know he didn't like the first marriage advice book I had gotten on the kindle. She didn't know i had gotten him a different book with a very different plan. She just knew I was vindictive because I asked a question after he asked to know my thoughts. She seemed to assume that me asking a question about why now, why not then was me saying he couldn't go back. She didn't care that I was not going to stop him from re-enlisting or not. It is ultimately his choice. I just want to know what every wife and best friend should know when you begin making life altering decisions for your family.

I went to my appointment and feel good for doing so. I feel like I may be able to get real career guidance and positive support. I know that the process is very long. I was there because when I look back over my speckled career path, I can clearly see how ADHD impacted its path. I understand that I had issues that could have been mitigated and that i might be happily employed at one of my previous employers. I hope that the agency can guide me to career stability. Maybe they will be able timely me improve the financial situation of my kids. I also felt that I was supposed to meet the counselor. She has been where I am in my marriage and knows what it takes to say I need to protect my kids from this bad environment and save myself. We talked about God and what I have seen in regards to my husband and God. I told her he doesn't attend church, that in nine years I only remember him going with me once. I know he knows the bible well. A few weeks ago he corrected me when I pronounced a name incorrectly when reading a passage to my oldest son. I know he knows the bible better than I do, afterall he was an alter boy in the catholic church I just don't know anything about why he doesn't want to go or be religious. We talked about some of the more disturbing things that have happened in my house. I was caught a little off guard when she told me that I could go to jail for letting him do those things, not just him. So there is a lot of things that need to be fixed that I wasn't even aware of. I now know that the pastor at CCV was right when he said I should pray for courage. I will need the courage to make sure those bad things are not allowed to happen to me or my kids ever again. Pray for courage to do what God needs done.

It will not be easy. But I will pray for the courage to do it.



I

Tears wetting my iPad.

Utterly confused.

I don't understand and can't make sense of what just happened. I am in tears again. The message from the church I visited yesterday was to ask for courage from God. I am heart broken tonight and desperately need the courage offered.

Things are tuff. I am doing what I can to maintain. Why is he so angry all the time? Why did he tell me I was a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down? I really don't understand. I tried asking him why he said those things, it just made him very angry. He left the home we once shared in anger. I waited for him to return. Hoping he would find his rational self and explain what he felt when he said those things. It's been over an hour. I don't know where he went. Did he go get a drink? Was he drinking before I asked him over? Why does asking "why" produce such a negative response? Does he not know how it hurts? What happen to the texts from Saturday where he said he would go to church with his family?

I have people in my life telling me all the should haves. They become offended when I say I don't want to worry about the should haves and what ifs. I simply want to work on right now. One of them sent a text demanding me to make a final decision about divorce, etcetera. Really? I thought I was supposed to take my time or trust my heart to know what to do and when to do it?

The new church people didn't make such demands. They didn't think I was nuts or indecisive. They just offered their hearts and prayers that I would do what Gods will was. They understood and I wasn't alone, it was okay to just be me. I suppose my teachers must have hated me, I've always asked why.

Whatever, day nine

Grrr!

Anyway, I enjoyed another day of not being stressed out over whether the floors were sweep, the kitchen cleaned. It's wonderful not to spend the whole day following around kids and picking up every last item. I ended up with lots more energy!

The kids had early out and the two older ones visited Dad for the afternoon. They said they went to the park, the one we took the dogs to a long time ago and went to get Icees at the QT.

It left me wondering... Why didn't he do that before? What was so difficult about taking the kids and doing something not at home? Couldn't he do this every week like I have been asking, requesting and finally demanding for years? Is it that hard to spend time with them or was he simply trying to torched me by never giving me alone time in my own home ( the one he locked me out of a week ago- for revenge he said). All because I need time in the home without kids.

Drives me nuts! He gets time in the house by himself multiple times a week. If he wants to spend it cleaning, so be it. It's his time he can use it how he wants.

And FYI it's not alone time if you are by yourself doing the grocery shopping. That simply doesn't count, unless it's something you love doing, like painting the house. Yes, I would rather paint the house than to go to the grocery store. I would even rather paint your house! I even wanted to start a business painting houses. Besides you only paint a house once every few years! Or every year if your me and love to change colors.

Who really wants to go to the grocery store 75 times a year when everyone complains about what you cook and tells you after the fact what they wanted, even though you asked before, by a full 24 hours!??! Drives me nuts! I hate that place, the ugly florescent lighting makes me ill.

On the bright side of the grocery store I watched a boy, must have been about 22, check me out, and than return to do it a second and third time. Made me feel hot!

Let me hear it ladies!

Nothing makes you feel better than when a guy does a double take even when it's the father of your kids.

Wish there was more of that in my home.

And now the kid thAt hasn't peed in the bed in over a week, just peed on my bed! Anyone have stock in Tide?

Day eight!!!

I awoke today feeling great! The alarms went off and I didn't go back to sleep. I woke the kids and they did what I have been dreaming they would for years! They just did the things they were supposed to and when they got off track only a gentle nudge. They seem less on edge and more willing to do those chores. Perhaps it's due to the realistic expectations of what hey can do. They aren't perfect and they didn't get demeaned for not completing tasks with military precision. So the things just got done.

Big smile.

The sudden understanding of Julia Roberts' character in Sleeping with the Enemy when she finally feels free from her abuser. It's a surreal feeling to be able to be yourself. No fear or anxiety No overwhelming need to do things for someone else their way on their time table. It's bizarre when you realize you don't need to make the bed right away or panic when the kids spill some cereal on the counter. Or to be able to dance without some one looking down on you or telling you, you can't dance. How weird to be freed. The things that have become habits out of fear and avoidance are slushing off. It is that sexy liberating feeling you imagine in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts' character receives her prince charming in her crappy apartment.

It's just great!

Oh, and the chores are so much easier and quicker to finish!

Day seven...

I had an insatiable appetite today. I wonder if that is a side effect of strong antibiotics or general stress from the situation. It was a long day but it seemed short due to the ridiculously long wandering afternoon of my baby, who was all too happy to break in his baby leash. Its quite funny to see a baby on a leash, but it has become necessary! I can't explain how terrifying it is to realize your baby has wandered away. I don't know why I didn't get one sooner! Probably because I think their ludicrous.

So it was Tuesday night. A cub scouts night. What a difference it was. Some things are hard to explain and incomprehensible to those that have never experienced it. I made spaghetti as its kinda customary to have on
Such a busy night. The kids ate. There was less arguing, and those that did happen, we're easier to curb. The kids played and followed directions, we did not need to rush! We arrived on time and the kids had fun. We returned home with lots to do: bathe, eat dessert, wash more laundry, pick up toys, take out garbage, get pj's on, read a story and go to bed. It was different this time.

First we did not rush to clean up the house before we left. We just were not concerned about how Dad would react to the small mess. It made going toScouts less stressful. When we returned we weren't hurting to clean because Dad was coming home. We just did things as we could. When it was time to clean up their bedroom, no one panicked. No one cried about there being too much to do. No one was stressed and they all worked together. Most amazingly was how quick it was picked up!!!!

It was the first time I was conscience of just how much anxiety was in the house do tony husband's unpredictable moods. It's different to experience peace when war has been all you have known for years.