Have you ever woke up to the sound of your own sobs?
My pillow was soaked. I don't know how long I had been crying in my sleep. I just find it strange.
I visited my mothers house today. But only because I had too leave my son with her do I could go to my Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. I got an ear lashing! It wasn't t fair and it wasn't right. She was already angry before I got there and had decided I was simply holding a grudge against my estranged husband. I knew after Saturday that she didn't truly understand what has been happening in this house over the years. And today I learned she just doesn't want to believe I can decide that enough had gone wrong. She demanded I just decide right now and get a divorce! Suddenly, she went from you shouldn't get a divorce to I must hurry up and do it right now.
She made excuses for him. She tried to justify bad behavior. She flat out can't accept indecision on my behalf. I got screamed at for having the audacity to ask my husband "why, now?" it's a perfectly fair question when someone tells you they are considering joining he Reserves. Apparently I am not entitled to learn that information about my husbands plans. I say shouldn't a wife know why you want to enlist, why separated service in he first place and why now is a good time to re-enlist? My husband called me a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down via text message. He's angry because I asked the same question the recruiter will ask. Why he immediately decided I was being vindictive is beyond me. Could he not have simply asked why I was so rude or called instead of telling me I was a bitch? Having two against one is not fair!
She didn't care that he should have handled his anger differently. She had no idea what had happened on Saturday. She didn't care that I thought I was given a glimmer of hope when he said he would go to church with his family. She didn't know he didn't like the first marriage advice book I had gotten on the kindle. She didn't know i had gotten him a different book with a very different plan. She just knew I was vindictive because I asked a question after he asked to know my thoughts. She seemed to assume that me asking a question about why now, why not then was me saying he couldn't go back. She didn't care that I was not going to stop him from re-enlisting or not. It is ultimately his choice. I just want to know what every wife and best friend should know when you begin making life altering decisions for your family.
I went to my appointment and feel good for doing so. I feel like I may be able to get real career guidance and positive support. I know that the process is very long. I was there because when I look back over my speckled career path, I can clearly see how ADHD impacted its path. I understand that I had issues that could have been mitigated and that i might be happily employed at one of my previous employers. I hope that the agency can guide me to career stability. Maybe they will be able timely me improve the financial situation of my kids. I also felt that I was supposed to meet the counselor. She has been where I am in my marriage and knows what it takes to say I need to protect my kids from this bad environment and save myself. We talked about God and what I have seen in regards to my husband and God. I told her he doesn't attend church, that in nine years I only remember him going with me once. I know he knows the bible well. A few weeks ago he corrected me when I pronounced a name incorrectly when reading a passage to my oldest son. I know he knows the bible better than I do, afterall he was an alter boy in the catholic church I just don't know anything about why he doesn't want to go or be religious. We talked about some of the more disturbing things that have happened in my house. I was caught a little off guard when she told me that I could go to jail for letting him do those things, not just him. So there is a lot of things that need to be fixed that I wasn't even aware of. I now know that the pastor at CCV was right when he said I should pray for courage. I will need the courage to make sure those bad things are not allowed to happen to me or my kids ever again. Pray for courage to do what God needs done.
It will not be easy. But I will pray for the courage to do it.
I
4 comments:
I really don't understand why you have to post such detail about your relationship? I mean bashing someone online isn't nesessary. At some point you need to take some ownership for your actions and realize it takes 2 to make it or break it. He didn't do it on his own and neither did you! It sounds like he has some serious issues to take care of. So don't go back until he does!! Or not at all. In all this did anything you did/didn't do make it worse? I myself am a housewife, I don't get much time to myself, I clean my house everyday for my husband for when he gets home. When we get in fights I don't make a public display on facebook of how terrible he is. Because more than likely I took part in that arguement and it's NOT ALL HIS FAULT!
As long as you're saying he called you a bitch. Being called a Bitch and my husband saying I was bitching at him are two totally different things!! I have no idea who's telling the truth but here are both sides of the story. This is what Andre says his text you says...he posted it on Facebook as well. "Why won't you just talk with me? I am really trying to keep a positive attitude on life but you insist on kicking me when I am already down. I am asking for your thoughts not reasons for you to bitch at me for not doing things the first time. You say I have issues with anger but I am willing to forgive and try to move on but you just want to keep right on pushing. I love you but you seem to want me not to."
This is the end of my rant. I think I'll remove both of you as friends because I think that this drama should be between the two of you and not the rest of the facebook community.
my humbled opinion :I been following the story . you have 3 kids you cant simply run out the back door. as your husban it must be hard living and loving with a adhd person and please .there how seeks finds and somethig you love it is worth fighting for it is not him its booth of you may god hepl and bless those you love
You need to do what you need to do. If this is helping you, so be it. To quote the sixth grader mentality "It's a free world" if you don't like it, don't read it. But whatever helps you cope with your emotions during a time like this should be encouraged (well, short of violence, I suppose...)
Keep hanging in there and know that there are other people out there who support you
I agree with @Lacy. Cathartic it may well be for you, but you have to decide what you want. If you want to work on your marriage, social networking is not the most suitable platform in which to do it. If you want to destroy the fragile thread that still links you to your husband, then airing the most personal details of a crumbling marriage to the very person you promised to honour will certainly expedite its demise.
The attitude "you need to do what you need to do" is simply bullshit, coz this impinges on the lives of others, and we have accountability in life.
Having said all that it sounds like your church is far more helpful to you because they are not judging you or your circumstances. They have accepted you unconditionally.
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