Ahhhhhh!

hello bereft....

would love to contact you and chat a bit on the difficulties of love and all the really important life stuff.

actually been thinking about it awhile, but an old devil called generalized anxiety has been plaguing me of late.  

I noticed that your not listed as a follower or was it registered user..?  Anyway I can't contact you because of one of those reasons.

Everyone else;

Yeah I haven't been keeping this up very well lately.  Yes, I started a new job.  I really like the job.  As I was telling bereft, this old devil I used to know has possessed me.  Things are difficult enough in general, even with out ADHD, but that whole anxiety thing is quite paralyzing.  Actually, looked at all the drugs underneath my sink and couldn't decide which one to try again, or if I should just take some benadryl, or call my family doc, or the clinic that provides the ADHD medication, which then lead me to wonder why I had an extra bottle of Adderall ER and Adderall under there.  Have I been missing the doses that often?  Did I somehow get my script filled twice?  What the hell?  Why was I freaking out 2 months ago because I was running out?  Was it always there?  I know I miss it a couple of times a month, but I take it with the birth control and the little blister pack shows only a few missed ones!?
So then their is trying to explain what an anxiety disorder is to new people, new people I work with, who instead of being helpful actually became so overwhelming that looking at emails, the ringing cell phone, that beeping text message, just made me hide; not want to hide, actually hide.  How do you explain it when their is no logic?  And then you go and screw other things up like a friendship, because your trying to express how envious you are of their situation, which they think just sucks, and make them all mad.  Dude, don't think she liked me very much or even accepted that I tried to apologize, or understood I wasn't being mean, just trying to say how very lucky she really was, because if she had experienced what I had she wouldn't think I was being condescending, or whatever she thought.  Gees, this sucks.  How do you explain that to people?  How do you apologize for something that you don't actually have control over?  How do you explain that even if you could take a pill to make it all go away, you would need to wait until the next available appointment at the clinic--which is a very long, long, time from now.  Sure, you can try and tell me just say your sorry, but reality is ADHD makes things difficult for co-workers and anxiety just makes you seem like a non-caring ass-hole because you can't answer the phone.  Never mind, that you haven't slept or eaten anything of substance for weeks, and just now figured that out, or that you literally threw up when they called and you ignored the quacking ring that was just too cute a few weeks ago.  Yes, I already know I just can't do anything right.  I get it.  My marriage sucks, I can't manage working, I can't manage housework, I can't afford to feed the family now that food stamps were taken away.  That was something I wanted, I wanted to stand on my own two feed and be rid of the State Welfare system.  Yeah, but now I am freaking out!  How do you feed a family, when you don't actually have a steady paycheck, you owe possibly thousands to a babysitter, but are so stressed by just knowing you owe money that you can't add it up to find out how bad it really is?!!  You say yeah just take a Valium and sleep on it.  I so would if I had them or the courage to just take a little magic pill.  Oh, and I read a book, one given to me by Parent Partners, who help people manage the social worker and education system so that things they need are taken care of, like an IEP for a kid, or speech therapy.  The book was the Jenny McCarthy book,  Louder than Words, which really made me feel even more guilty about what I missed along the way, things that you know would have or should have made me say hey this is what is wrong and why I think my kid needs some help before its too late!  Yeah, I felt very guilty, angry, though I eagerly read the whole book in a few hours.  I didn't feel joy, I picked up on all the bad things parents with children who aren't quite normal go through, like the avoiding friends-until they aren't friends anymore, not going to play groups, being terrified of regular preschool because you know kids are not politically correct, their blunt, they just come out and say it.  Oh, I don't know if this helps anyone understand what a paralyzing thing anxiety can become in your life.  And you don't know how bad it is until you are negatively impacting everyone around you.  

New blogger app on phone

Like the blogger on the phone. Loving ios 5 updates. Love shinny and new. Its like steve jobs sent us a gift from heaven.

A fustration

Hello World!  Again.

As always my life is crazy.  Too busy to remember if I brushed my teeth before I left the house and too tired at the end of the day to care.

Yes I am a Mom.  I have three little boys of wonder that break or outgrow everything.  Three little boys that make life wonderful and difficult to focus on at the same time.  They keep me busy, they make so much laundry, they eat so much food, and require so much time and energy.  That is the job of kids, afterall!

Yes I took on a new business.  Call me crazy, but when you can't find a job, you make one.  That is how this capitalist society works.  If you want something you find a way to get it.  I am glad I did.  I have an old friend that used to constantly tell me, "Just be like a duck, and let it all bead off your feathers."  Thanks, Nathan, I am now a Duck, an AFLAC duck. My new job is fun and full of adventure, most important it is never the same twice.

Yes I am a Wife.  I have a husband of nearly 9 years.  I am very much unhappy and have been for a good long while.  I need what every spouse needs, a little bit of conversation.  Every marriage needs communication, honest, free flowing, open and productive.  This has not been the case in my marriage for a long time.  If you think a lack of communication is not important than you have never lived your life without it.

What I have in my marriage today is a man that grunts like a caveman, the word "fine" and lots of silence in between those two sounds.  If you are a man and you are reading this learn this:  sexually satisfied with your wife, does not mean your marriage is in good shape.  It simply means your wife is avoiding another sore spot in her life.

What I also have in my marriage today is a great imbalance.  I have a man who not only doesn't talk with me, doesn't even look at me, he just sits and stares at his computer/iPhone/laptop, he doesn't speak positively with his boys because he simply screams about how their room is such a mess.  I have a man that doesn't even think their is a problem in our marriage.  I have all the duties of the house, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, the taxing of children, the homework duties with kids, the bath time routine, the paying the bills, the trips to the doctors offices, urgent care, the notifying the Super that the apartment needs maintance, the taking of the garbage out, the grocery shopping, the price comparisons, the couponing, the budgeting, the dreaming and planning, the religion and faith building of three little boys, the potty training, the sick kid duties, and the list could go on for days...  This is my imbalance.

This brought me to the question:  "What exactly do you (my husband) bring to this equation?"  A paycheck?  Who cares money is not love, compassion, commitment.  What Sex?  In case you forgot, I am a young woman capable of saying hey I am ready to any man on the street; and chances are very good that more than one would be available when I called.  So really what are you bringing?  What do you do that makes my life worth living with you?

Realistically, I am already doing 98% of the daily needs in the house, so you not living in the same house would not drastically change anything except who reads the bedtime story to the kids.  Would asking your wife how her day was and looking her in the eyes really be so difficult that you couldn't do it?  Or is it frightening that if you talk with her, you might actually carry some of the daily Needs load, which would lead to a less exhausted wife, who then might feel like being that dirty housewife when the kids are asleep...

Another New Job, American Family Life Assurance Company, better known as AFLAC

Okay, so I decided that the other company was not for me.  There were many, many reasons, the first being that I could not list my company name on my Facebook, Twitter, Linked In, or anything else.  They were afraid of Social Media and had decided that all people over the age of 50 do not use computers, email, social media and they are absolutely certain that all computers are opening them up for identity theft.  Crazy, I know!

Everyone else in the working world has learned that email, text messaging, social media and electronic signatures are more secure than paper carried in my car.  So, I looked for a company that will allow me to be me and has a viable business that I can make a profit in.  The company I think best meets my needs for a flexible job, an income, and the ability to say where I work online.

I know, I had just started at the other place, but really their was more than one reason to look elsewhere.  I decided I needed a company that had longevity, long-term employees, flexibility, future growth, and a product that is in a market I am already in: under 65.  Though I think that I could make some good money in the Retiree market, I think that I need to learn far more about them then would allow me to make significant money quickly.  So, I jumped to start with The Duck, because I understand small business, and most small business owners are under 50 and have a lot in common with me.  Having something you can talk about other than your product is critical for starting a long-term relationship with clients.

Anyway, I remain overwhelmed, and under productive due to a computer snafu!  Frustrating.  So much I want to learn and do!

What I will be doing as an AFLAC Agent:  I will be offering Employers a way to lower Business Tax Liability, ease Benefit programs management, and provide employees with critical life planning products for that just in case circumstance. My job will be in Employer and Employee Education to reduce their risks in life.   

A question. What would you do?

What to say... I am stressed again.  It's a never ending roller coaster of self-doubt and optimist hope about the future.

Right now I have a case of the I don't want to do anything.  I am content doing nothing but surfing the internet and reading books while I avoid making any decisions.  The list of I need to's, was getting shorter but has started to grow again.  The list of I want to's has begun to befuddle me.  My list of want to's reminds me of an episode of 'Hoarders' where the stuff is about to bury alive the occupants.   Grr...

A slight bit of frustration regarding my inability to make a decision presides over me.  It should be easy.  For heaven sakes just do a SWOT analysis, that is what my brain shouts when I am driving and need to be somewhere on-time.  WIth no time to stop and start a SWOT my brain quickly forgets something important that should be done and needs to be a priority.  Grr....

So I was at the grocery store and I used one of those self check out machines.  I needed cash so I could pay the electric bill.  I selected $40 and retrieved if from the machine to find $50.  I counted it three times, I double checked my receipt, then I asked the supervising cashier to count it.  Sure, enough there was $50.  I gave it to her and said that someone either forgot to pick up their $10.00 or the machine gave me extra money.  Should I have kept it?  And why weren't the kids their to see me doing the right thing? Oh, right it was like 9:30 at night and I was there for milk, bread, and beer.
So, I get where I am going and the questions I need answered aren't fully taken care of.  I get the first and the second question out and then I am suddenly overwhelmed by the need to take in the information and answer the questions it now poses.

On the new job front:  I have serious doubts about the place I am working at.  I have some doubts about my abilities which I think only come from the place I am at.  I still think I can be a great success in Sales, err, insurance sales.  I think I have the natural ability to look and see problems, unfortunately I don't know how to answer them all, and the follow up on questions that can't be answered today is a bit poor.  Boorish!  It bothers me that I forget to follow up with people, or fail to be loud and persistent enough to get all the answers right away.  Which suddenly reminds me about a section in a book I was reading called "is it You, Me or Adult A.D.D.?"that people with ADHD seem to have two different ways of prioritizing; Now and Not Now.  Unfortunately, I am beginning to see that pattern, things are either immediately important and I must hurry and do it right now; everything else falls away when this happens.  Things like the laundry don't get started or finished, books are suddenly left on the floor as I go to answer the phone, or read some Facebook message.  If it doesn't need to be done right now, I usually forget about it.  Like when I have known for weeks about a doctors appointment and keep repeating the date and time, the day finally comes and the time arrives and I am doing something else that needs to be done right now, like buy some ice cream sundaes.

Logic says that I shouldn't be doing that.  But somehow my brain has completely forgotten about that thing it was repeating for weeks at the time its needed.

Oh, back to the doubts about where I am a contracted Insurance agent.  So I took this job, mostly because it sounds really interesting, involves constant changing scenery, meeting new people, and a wild and extravagant lifestyle that seems achievable with it.  But my doubts arise from the fact that the office management, while veterans, they are not veterans with the company.  The result is many questions go unanswered or are superficially answered.  The office is also all married men with stay at home brides.  Which has worked to their great advantage.  Their wife is home taking care of paying the bills, waiting for the plumber, and carting the kids every which way they need, while they are able to focus 100% on the job every day they work.  This has lead to a severe deficiency in our ability to relate to each other when talking about efforts to grow our individual books of business.  Bummer, when you boss tells you that you need to make more dials, more appointments and be available for your new clients even on Cub Scout nights and Saturday when you were really busy washing the laundry, grocery shopping, taking the kids to the library, potty training the 2 year old and somehow getting the toilet cleaned.  Worse still the 2 Field Trainers that were charged with showing me how to be a successful insurance agent, suddenly quit.  Bad right?  Well, they then badder still the boss men were too busy doing things that did not focus on me, err, the new hirers, and we were basically left to try and figure it out on our own.  What did they do to mend this terrible situation?  They promoted a man who has been with the company for about 7 months to trainer and another who has just 4 weeks more time at the company.


So my bosses don't relate to being the chief parent/mom, they don't satisfy my questions with complete answers, they fail to take us on appointments to show us how this job is to be done, they promote people with no experience to trainers, and even worse they hired a new crop that also need the same limited resource I do, them.  I am sure they also plan on hiring another class to start next month too, which just makes it seem like a bad thing.

To be clear, as of this moment I have not quit.  Though I admit I have taken a 2 day sabbatical to evaluate this place.  But I did look at a competitor that seems to be in a better position to facilitate my learning experience and build an actual career as an Insurance Sales person.  I also began searching the job sites today to see what other options I might have.  It does kinda feel nice to have my biggest problems being that my ring is in danger of falling off, my clothes are too big and I can choose where I commit to work.  Oh, I am also thinking about taking a seasonal job doing taxes in addition to insurance sales.  So, What would you do?  Would you take the job with the other company that seems better able to answer your questions and train you for success or would you wait it out and see if someone suddenly becomes successful where you are so you can emulate them?

potty training and not throwing up

hi!  So I have been complaining about being busy and I still am.  I have been working for nearly 2 months in the Insurance Business for a company I am loosing faith in.

Since potty training is far more interesting than self doubt lets talk about that.  First my baby boy Danny finally turned 2 last Sunday!  Yea!  I just wish he was already potty trained.  Since he is not and he seems to know how to hold it,  I took away his diapers.  For those of you thinking,  eww gross!  Yeah, I get it, it can be gross to step into a warm or cold puddle of pee, but this is the fastest way for babies to get the message that they need to do something less gross.

I have stepped in a few puddles!  Thankfully not stepped into any steaming hot piles!  That is not to mean I did not pick up any steaming piles to promptly be flushed.  Yuck!

I spent the weekend with a baby going commando which ment there was not any leaving the house.  Bummer, I wanted to do something, but I guess you need to make some sorta plans with friends.  Making plans with friends is something I not in the habit of doing and need to start doing.

I am glad to announce I only needed to clean up one small puddle.  Soon I will need to clean the carpet because I can bet that as he goes commando with his babysitter and daddy.  I will be keeping the carpet steamer handy over the next few weeks.


623 849 4480 

SuperMom!?

So at this moment Blogger.com is down and my computer is acting weird and slow.  Why did Blogger.com decided to do maintenance in the middle of the evening?  Weird! 

Obviously I am busy.  I haven’t posted anything new in a long while.  Such is the way of the work world.  I am trying to balance too many things and I seem to be succeeding rarely at any of them.  So my new job is tough.  Being away from home is tough on the kids.  My husbands ever changing schedule and his lack of communication is just making everything impossible to do. 

My biggest obstacle is figuring out what to do first.  I got a phone so I could stay in tough, I got him a phone so we could communicate.  I have an iPad so I can actually check my emails and keep a calendar.  (though for the last month my new job kept trying to force me into a paper calender! That was a complete disaster!) 

I know I have ADHD and this not knowing what to do first or even where I am supposed to be at different times in confusing as all heck!  I want to check in and be be with my family.  I also need to start seeing success with my new job or I am going to need to find another new job.   

So on the days I do figure out what to do first I struggle with trying to build my business clientele and my lack of availability to reach them on their schedule.  First, most of my clients are between the ages of 50 and 70, the problem being that the majority of the clients that are over 65 are home but I can’t talk about their health care until October 1^st, 2011 due to Federal Regulations on Medicare supplement and Advantage Plans.  Most people in the over 65 bucket already know they can’t make changes so they just aren’t interested in talking.   And of their younger siblings under ages 65 are just not home during business hours!  Well I am not able to work much after I regular work hours. 

However, the more I reconnect with my old friends and family members the more I see that I know an awful lot about what peoples real options are and when I have something that they really should be taking advantage of.  I now know most of my products to a point where if only I had enough hours in the day I could make appointments to visit them and see my family.  What I need is a way to pause life so I can do all I want to and need to. 

I need to be the idealized Super Mom, somehow capable of running an independent business, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, keeping the house clean, the bills paid on time, the dogs fed and walked, exercise herself to maintain optimum health,  loose weight, recruit new business, take the kids to their activities, potty train the toddler, read the latest magazines, books, watch the latest pop culture phenomenon, catch up with old friends, make  new friends, participate in the PTO, car pool the kids, be the star in the office, lead the way, train the mentee, communicate perfectly with the husband, know everything there is to know about my industry: insurance, entertain guest, make the perfect taco and margarita, have the grocery shopping done, the laundry put away, the kid in bed and somehow not fall asleep before the husband gets his turn.  Somehow that is what I need to be.  Or is it just simply being home by 6, and managing to have a few minutes to pick up dinner in the drive thru?